Author: Coach Jay

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Relationship Coaching

Ingredients to a Toxic Relationship: Resentment in a Relationship And The 1 Surefire Way To Fix It.

toxic relationship resentment in a relationship red flag relationship

This edition of the Guided Steps Blog is all about another ingredient that makes a great toxic relationship, that is resentment in a relationship. The last post we discussed codependent relationships including signs you are in one and the feedback was superb to say the least (we do read our email!) so why not touch base on an underlying factor of a toxic relationship? Let’s talk about resentment which is something discussed far too little outside of the world of addiction recovery, yet it rears its ugly head in more places than you would think.

Want to Start With What Resentment Is (it’s way more than a toxic relationship)?

Resentment is a description toward negative feelings and emotions due to being mistreated. Sometimes the mistreating may not be bad to other people. This is part of the beauty, and craziness, of perception.

There is no “official” cause for resentment because we are people created Imago Dei and not a bunch of robots like the news would have us think (yep, I have a small resentment with the media but it doesn’t control me…. you’ll read about that soon!). In fact there are typically a few different ways resentment can make itself known, and although the root cause can differ it does relate to being wronged or mistreated. That’s not to say unfairness isn’t a part of life because it is. We are going to get disappointed, however that doesn’t necessarily cause a resentful attitude or mindset. It can however lead to a very toxic relationship. In fact, resentment in a relationship was one of the reasons my last one didn’t pan out.

Here’s How We Boil The Toxic Relationship Brew

I suppose a better way would have been to say “here’s what triggers resentment”. But that’s not nearly as visually appear it as you read it, right? The first way resentment can brew (I suppose it does work after all!) is in relationships with people who have to be right all the time. It’s important to note, they may not be right all the time. Have you ever talked to a kid who knew something and was completely wrong? How did it go when you tried to correct them? They probably fought back right?

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who thought they were always right. You have the makings of a toxic relationship if they let it get to them! It may come out, it may not. That sounds sort of vague but it is entirely up to the individual who harbors the resentment. I’ve found that it normally comes out in what could be a catastrophic blowup.

What about when you speak and people seem to not listen? Not being heard is a common trigger for resentment. I have heard about that in the halls for a while now. In fact, I had a resentment due in part to that.

Being taken advantage of in a friendship or romantic relationship can cause a toxic relationship to start forming. Imagine being nice and helping whenever you were called on. You may have did it because of a codependent tendency or you may have done it out of love because you could. Now imagine how easily resentment in a relationship can build up if when you called the same person or people they didn’t pull through for whatever reason. You’d probably be upset with them, right?

red flag in a toxic relationship because of resentment in the relationship

What’s another way resentment can be triggered in a relationship? Ah yes, unrealistic expectations of others. When we were growing up we had vivid imaginations, we would hear something without seeing it and draw a picture in our head of what it should look like. This can help cause a toxic relationship. Why? Well from experience, people aren’t who we think they are.

People can be stellar at something, but we expect more. I expected honesty in my relationships because I was honest. Unfortunately, I was wrong (shocking I know!) But I had set up unfair and unrealistic expectations for them. How they should act around and not around me, honesty, etc. I helped to create resentment in the relationship because I was brewing a toxic relationship without knowing it! The end result was not good, we no longer even have a friendship and they were really a great person. I’m sure you’ve set unrealistic expectations in a relationship and have been aggravated when they didn’t come to fruition, right?

I’m leaving out what is most common until the end. What do you think it is? You’ll read shortly, but first lets give another cause for a toxic relationship. Tardiness, or always being late can help people you interact with harbor resentments. You may not realize it, but people often feel like their time is not meaningful to you if you always keep them waiting. It doesn’t necessarily just deal with going out, it can be as simple as being with other friends too long or chatting with a coworker too long and forcing someone to wait. I don’t wear a watch, but one way for me to let someone know I’m getting aggravated is by looking at my wrist where a watch should be. I’m a very punctual person as a sign of respect.

The last common trigger for a resentment in what could be a toxic relationship is humor. Being put down to be exact. What makes it even worse is when you are the brunt of the joke! Yeah, that will make someone harbor a resentment! Have you ever saw those married couples where they joke about their spouse? Or the group of friends that always have that one friend they pick on? It could be all well and fun, but the person being picked on may not think so.

So You Caused A Toxic Relationship Over “Encouraging”
Resentments How Can You Fix It?

The easiest thing to put down here is to say you’re sorry. However resentments are “cured” that easily. You could try and make it up to someone if it was a one time thing. You could publicly admit your wrong and embarrass yourself. Words are empty and one time actions don’t equate to someone dropping a resentment.

So how do you remedy a toxic relationship that’s harboring resentments? With changed behavior! It’s literally that simple, both from knowledge and experience. An easy way to do this is with our course on creating Lasting Change which is getting rave reviews so far! Give it a shot and put in the work, you can start today! Grab your copy of Lasting Change here.

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Mindset Coaching Uncategorized

Am I In A Codependent Relationship? 10 Ways to Know AND Ways to (Potentially) Save It!

What Is A Codependent Relationship?

In layman’s terms, a codependent relationship is a crappy relationship that will leave you feeling nervous, empty, and not happy. Another way to describe this type of red flag relationship is that it typically contains a giver and a taker. They can start very subtly and grow into a beast that can be tough to see, but there are ways out! So how do we figure out if we are in one? We have a list below with 10 “symptoms”. And also a quiz that can be taken here.

In a Codependent Relationship You Don’t Matter!

To everyone else you may, but to you they come before first. Way before you. In fact if you are the giver, you probably can’t afford to offer yourself self care (say that 10 times fast). It is extremely common to feel good when the taker is happy, it is also common for you to feel extremely guilty when you find yourself enjoying yourself. What is really scary about this symptom of a codependent relationship is that eventually you begin trying to pour from an empty cup.

It’s An Extremely One Sided Relationship. A One Sided Codependent Relationship

I sort of hinted in the opening paragraph about this one. It’s possible to have two codependent people in a relationship, however a giver and taker are more common. This symptoms has one person being a harder worker, picking up the slack for someone without necessarily realizing it. For example, the giver works all day and comes home and does whatever they asked the taker to do. There may be resentment, but typically nothing is said.

one way relationship

“I have to Save Them… From Themselves!”

This is where the giver acts more like a caregiver than a friend or significant other. What are you saving them from? It could be their addiction, it could be their anger also, do they “not do things” right in your eyes and you have to help them? You can feel like you want their “issues” to be solved more than anyone, including themselves! At the end of the day it is entirely up to them to create a lasting change. That includes all of their flaws, addictions, and whatever else is wrong for them. If you’re the sole care taker for them and they keep making the same mistakes you my friend are in a codependent relationship.

You’re The Potter, They’re The Clay

codependent relationship signs of codependent relationship codependent relationship quiz

This sign of a codependent relationship is extremely unhealthy. If you were someone else looking at it, you would probably even say “they don’t even really love them because they are trying to change them!” This is where the idea of the potter and the clay come in. You have them in this heap and you are constantly trying to adjust and decorate them so they become more of your dream person.

Take It Easy? Get Out of Here With That Evil Talk!

Similar, all of these traits are if you think about it, to another symptom of a codependent relationship this focuses on your selfishness. Do you feel off when you’re taking care of them? Asked in another way, when you’re by yourself with your feet in grass at a park or in a stream do you feel selfish for not doing something for them? Doing what? Well you should be doing something for them instead of taking care of yourself, right?

“Feeling excessive guilt for doing anything for yourself is another major characteristic,”

Dr. Derrig

How Do You Feel About Your Relationship? Well That’s a Tricky Question…

Do you find it tough to realize what is tough and what is glorious in your relationship? Is it a relationship where you have mixed feelings or emotions about, well all of it? Reflection is a beautiful and powerful tool we can use in life, and we thoroughly encourage it when we are engaged in mindset coaching. When you’re in a codependent relationship you find yourself more worried about their feelings than yours. The next one is a huge sign. Look at it after this picture break.

the most codependent creature alive
She is probably the most codependent “person” I know. She’s a sweetheart though.

Where Are They? I’m About to Freak Out!

One of the most common signs of a codependent relationship is feeling sick, worried, nervous, or that the world is going to fall apart if you haven’t heard from them. Have they read your message is a thought you wonder constantly, are they okay?! They must be doing something wrong or they could be in trouble. Quickly to the Stress Mobile to go and rescue them! Is that how it goes in your head? This is a symptom that you are in a codependent relationship. “Why am I like this?!” Well, it’s become you have probably become dependent on them, hence the term codependent relationship.

There’s Nobody Here!

Another sign you have entered or helped to create a codependent relationship is that you have trouble being alone. This can be either from the taker of the relationship or the fact you literally can’t care (read it as self care) for yourself. This is extremely common and a potential root cause has been from over-involved or under-involved parents when you were a little drool tot yourself. When you’re alone, you can’t put your focus into someone else and that bothers you.

I Can’t Make It Fred Has 5 Minutes Off in 5 Hours so I have to Be Available

If you are routinely cancelling plans because you need to spend time with your partner or whoever is the taker you are in a what? A codependent relationship, great guess! You may cancel plans with your family or other things, even attending a concert you were really looking forward to! Again, this is another red flag relationship symptom.

Your Home Isn’t Your Home

Did you ever redecorate something to make it more like home, for someone else? There is nothing wrong at all with making someone feel comfortable in your house, the difficulty comes when you make it all theirs. Here’s a tip if you get really down the second they leave, reorganize a small itty bitty section so that it feels more like “yours” when they aren’t there.

“I Hate to Bug You But… Nevermind, I’m Sorry”

Hate speaking up and voicing your opinion to them? You don’t feel like you are intimidated by them, but you need them happy and speaking up, well you may hear something you do not want to. Did I nail this one in your relationship? If so, let’s talk. This one hits home and even until somewhat recently maybe a year ago I was personally stuck here. I’m not anymore and that makes me feel tremendously free. In this symptom/sign of a codependent relationship you’re literally pushing your feelings aside and not giving them a chance to be validated. Guess what…. YOU have valid feelings!

The Big One…. B-B-B-Boundaries.. YIKES!

You finally get the guts and smallest sense of self worth to speak up and place boundaries, but they spiral out of control! The taker loses their crap, right? Setting up boundaries is going to be different and potentially scary for anyone involved. It’s different, right? It’s uncomfortable and they may feel like you are almost taking away from them! Welcome to the pain of a codependent relationship.

How Can We (Maybe) Save a Codependent Relationship?

codependent relationship quiz codependent relationship examples

I am really strict (read also being adamant) about my boundaries being respected, but in the beginning it was tough. When I took a step back and saw the pains and hell of a codependent relationship, I became aware that the negatives outweighed the positives. Most of the list I can easily relate to. I took some time for myself and I started to flourish. We had a very good patch after, but my biggest change was realizing I didn’t need her. I wanted her. I needed God first and foremost! I mean, He did save me from severe alcoholism.. Anywho there’s my mini testimonial. If the relationship was to be saved, how would we do it? Let’s look at the condensed list below, or you can jump into the Lasting Change Course we created! People are loving it and there’s amazing discounts that go along with it! Grab it right here, you won’t regret it!

Can it be Saved? Here’s The List!

  • Get UNBIASED (incredibly important) OUTSIDE perspective and CONSIDER that insight
  • Work on it together, do all parties want a healthy relationship? Get to working on it!
  • How is your value system doing these days? MAKE time to reflect – this is healthy and something we NEED to do in life! No guilt about it either.
  • Look at your earliest relationships, has this been a common trend?
  • Agree on the healthy boundaries! (Coach Jay is a beast at this when used as a “referee”), set them, and work on them! Do not expect perfection overnight
  • Be dedicated to the process of healing your codependent relationship.
  • Allow the giver to take. If the taker is reading this, be comfortable giving a little.
  • We all have feelings, EXPRESS THEM and when you get them toward you, ask for explanation when you are not sure!
  • Realize you are in a codependent relationship and you want it fixed!

Should I Leave?

If it is obscenely abusive emotionally or mentally, yes. If it’s physical GET OUT OF THERE! Those are literally the signs.

I Am In A Codependent Relationship, What do I do Now?!

There are a few things you can do. Get cracking on the “Can I Save it List”. Grab a consultation with us, explain the situation and we will help you work out a plan to get it done. If it’s safe (important consideration) for your physical safety, sign up for our Relationship Coaching and we will get through this together! Realize this is a process and there has to be change and take advantage of our course at it’s low price that you can use again and again and again! Grab the Guided Steps Lasting Change Course Here.

Realize This…

You matter, you have feelings, you have opinions, you have ideas. You have this ONE life and it is not too late to start turning it around NOW. The power is in your hands to change. Start believing in yourself because I sure believe in you. It’s time to stop the codependent relationship and enjoy a fruit bearing, mutually beneficial, and exciting relationship!

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Mindset Coaching

2 Anxiety Relief Tips: Guided Imagery and Deep Breathing

anxiety relief tips guided imagery deep breathing diaphragmatic breathing stress relief reduce anxiety

Anxiety relief is not talked about nearly as much as it should be. I’ll start by saying anyone can do this! But if you can barely make it out the door without freaking out, you need a therapist and that’s okay. Therapy has this stigma about it that you’re a nut job if you go, that’s not the case. Some people have issues that need monitored care, we are all people and handle things differently! I’m also going to quickly plug our new course which people are LOVING called Lasting Change – no anxiety with that course!

This post was inspired by an absolutely gorgeous woman inside and out, she really should be considered for sainthood when she kicks, and she got me thinking about anxiety relief. Then it hit me that most of my friends and loved ones have some issue with anxiety! I mean, I’m anxious to see if people will wisen up in two years when it’s election time, but no politics. So without further delay let’s check out how guided imagery and deep breathing can help with anxiety relief and I bet you’ll agree they are some pretty dandy anxiety relief tips!

What is Deep Breathing and Does it Really Help With Anxiety Relief?

What does deep breathing sound like it is? It’s exactly that, and I have been practicing it for over a decade now. Deep breathing is also known as intentional breathing “deep”ending (see what I did there?) on who you speak with, their vernacular, as well as their level of geekiness. I’m a moderate geek so I go with deep breathing, also some people who rank very high up on the geek scale will call it diaphragmatic breathing. It’s something you can do literally anywhere, however one thing to watch out for is dizziness! I tried this once in traffic and felt extremely odd, but that passes.

What we are doing with deep breathing is we are inhaling through our nose slowly, holding it in our now full lungs, and breathing out slowly. Sit in a comfortable chair and do this, or lay down. I have an easier time falling asleep when I do this laying down. Not only is this great to do for relieving stress and anxiety, it has the possibility of having some physical benefits too. Some worth noting are potentially stabilizing blood pressure and slowing down your heart rate. Pretty nifty right?

Guided Imagery is What Exactly, and How Do Mental Pictures Help With Anxiety Relief?

This is a really cool exercise to do and trust me, it helps – big time! In fact I know people who could be having a meltdown, take a fast break by jumping into some guided imagery and come back on fire. Not literally because then I wouldn’t explain it to you. This takes your entire imagination and can eventually have you using all five senses at once. I will listen to Gregorian chants or something like that when doing this, but you can really do it anywhere with any type of music although I would recommend a soothing violin playing versus Janis Joplin.

Isn’t This Against Christianity?

It absolutely is not, I picture myself in Christs presence all the time when I am doing this. Occasionally I will picture myself preaching to someone. I go to my happy place mentally when I do this. You can get in trouble if you have naughty thoughts going through your mind, but that’s between you and God. For me focusing on God is the best form of anxiety relief around.

anxiety relief tips guided imagery deep breathing diaphragmatic breathing stress relief reduce anxiety

Guided Imagery and Deep Breathing in Action Providing You With Anxiety Relief

Going back to the woman who inspired this post she likes beautiful things.So here’s what we will do, imagine there’s a harp playing softly. There’s a window open to rolling green field with mountains in the back drop. You are near an open window. In the window are freshly cut lilacs filling the room with their scent. As you deeply breath in, you smell them. Breath a little deeper and hold their aroma in your lungs. Slowly breathing out. As you’re breathing out, the anxiety is fighting to stay. But it’s having trouble staying as it is trapped in each breath you hold in. As you slowly exhale the Holy Spirit guides your anxiety out, more each time you exhale. As you watch out the window you see a bird land on your window sill. It takes a peaceful poo and flies away. With each gentle breeze you feel the warmth of the sun hitting your face as the smell of the lilacs become stronger. As you feel relaxed, you tell yourself that everything is okay and you will go share this post now.

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Self Talk: Discover The Power, Consequences, and 5 Levels of Self Talk You NEED To Know!

positive negative self talk levels of self talk

What is Self Talk?

Self-talk is the way you talk to yourself, or your inner voice. You might not be aware that you’re doing it, but you almost certainly are. This inner voice combines conscious thoughts with inbuilt beliefs and biases to create an internal monologue throughout the day.

healthdirect.gov.au

I began talking to someone who became basically a best friend to me, we share a lot. One thing in specific she shared resonates with me when I envision self talk. “Sometimes I tell myself, you got this Squish.” She’s by no means a large girl, but the self talk I see is where she acts as her own personal cheer leader “you got this.” As you read this article, I have a small challenge for you to do on a day off as well as during a busy day. Here’s the challenge:

Self Talk Challenge

Get a small piece of paper of something similar, and take note of two things each in their own column. One column is for positive self talk, the other column is for negative self talk. I’d love to hear your results. Does it have to be during a busy day and a day off? Of course not, you can take part of a busy day and part of a relaxed time during the same day. Give it a shot and see how you do!

Positive Self Talk

There was a great basketball player named Karl Malone who would talk to himself when shooting free throws regularly. Nobody knows what he would say, only himself. But it shows that he understood the power of self talk and would deliberately speak to himself prior to shooting his free throws. He didn’t typically miss many free throws, he was an amazing basketball player and reached the Hall of Fame. Which type of self talk do you think he used?

I’d wager, although I don’t gamble, that he used positive self talk. We will dig into each of the levels in a bit. Even if you use positive self talk regularly, you still won’t be successful on every attempt at whatever you are attempting. However, what you’re doing with positive self talk versus negative self talk is training your mind to be more positive.

What are some Benefits of Positive Self Talk?

I’ll provide a list below, however positive self talk, your inner dialogue you have with yourself in general leads to more positivity. Some aspects I have an issue believing, such as having more stamina, however positive self talk is simply…. more positive! That makes sense right? Heading back to the stamina idea briefly, I can see some minute merit, however unless it is mental stamina for say a doctor or prosecutor I see little on how self talk can effect a physical aspect. There is some merit also to psychosomatic however it is far too long to get into for this article. Let’s look at some of the effects from positive self talk that I do agree with:

  • Lower amounts of mental fatigue
  • Less stress
  • Greater life satisfaction

And there are a few physical health benefits as well such as:

  • Better immune function (correlates to lower stress which I am sold on)
  • Reduced risk of early death (see above)
  • Increased vitality

Positive self talk in a nut shell has been shown to lead to a more successful and enjoyable life. As mentioned above, not in these words, nothing will ever go as planned all the time. However, when you are used to positive self talk you are also able to destress far faster which makes stressful situations, less stressful!

What About Negative Self Talk?

Want to guess what the negative to negative self talk/negative inner dialogue is? If you guessed the opposite of positive self talk you nailed it! What’s funny is that this is almost an identical Yin to positive self talk’s Yang! Let’s look at some negative effects:

  • People with depression and anxiety typically engage in negative self talk!
  • Higher risk of self harm
  • Reduced sex drive
  • Isolation
  • Minimal desire to be outgoing or even attend events with people close to you

The list honestly gets worse, negative self talk suffice to say can be a literal nightmare. Sometimes therapy is all but required, and that’s OK. If you took part in the challenge I have above, you probably see there’s work to be done. Having work to be done is also okay, as I pointed out in a previous article the epitaph for Ruth Bell Graham. A quick reminder, her tombstone said, paraphrased, that construction was completed once she had passed.

The key here is not only to realize you have a negative inner dialogue, but to address it and change it. We are here if you need help, or you can be like others who have addressed their inner dialogue successfully with our “Four Steps to Lasting Change” course here.

4 or 5 Levels of Self Talk?

Are there four or five levels of self talk? Just like with theology, psychology, and any other “ology” there is some fighting around this topic. There could be five levels, however the “final” level I feel is not only near impossible to reach during your lifetime, it is a dangerous area as far as mental health goes. Again, this is my opinion and I am not a licensed therapist. An interesting foot note is not many of the licensed counselors or therapists I met give much credence to attaining a fifth level of self talk. It will be briefly discussed along with the others, however don’t break yourself trying to get there.

positive negative self talk levels of self talk

The first level of self talk is the low side of a 1 through 4 scale. You talk down on yourself, there are many self limiting beliefs that you say, even if you don’t hear them from everyone else. You’re rather hard on yourself. I’ve been there myself, and before I worked on it through the course mentioned above (I practice what I preach!) I would find myself in dark spots for ages! I still get there, I’m human, however I have no more “bad periods” of a month but rather a few minutes. If you find yourself hanging around this type of inner dialogue, you surely want to change the conversation!

The second level moves us up a notch on the positive/negative scale of self dialogue/inner dialogue. This level isn’t as bad. This is our “realization” level. This level many say we have to get out of, and I agree we shouldn’t stay there as we want to progress to the top level, however this level is a huge improvement from the lower level! In life, especially if you struggle with anxiety or depression or just as I call it “blahness” we need to embrace progress and victory.

Again, we don’t want to train ourselves or program out mindset to accept and stay on this level, but we are improving. If you stay here too long you could be looking at developing a guilt issue. I myself struggled with guilt for ages and that was tough to get out of, but I did!

Third level is where we start to see groundwork being done. This level is where we accept the concept of “getting better”. It’s really a milestone for people who have poor self talk habits and programming. As you saw in the graphic above, you have a lot of “I no longer” talk because you’re accepting of your progress!

The fourth level is where you want to get to and stay at. It’s the highest level, in my humble opinion, of self talk and the safest area to program yourself and work toward. This is where you really see the self belief take a foothold in your life. There is a lot of positive going on, leading to more contentedness. Here’s a video below that recaps these. It’s 12 minutes and change, but I can’t help being long winded. Nothing wrong with that, most people enjoy being around my personality!

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Conquer Fear

CONQUER FEAR: Finding the Courage to Live a Christian Life in Troubling Times

Coach Jay penned the newest arrival to our line of products! It’s a read you can get done in under three hours, however the content can help you live boldly for the rest of your days! It’s written in a Christian tone as Coach Jay is unapologetically, yet respectfully, an open believer in Jesus Christ. He wrote this book initially as an article, however the amount of topics in it led to a length that is best suited for a book. So what will you find in this book? Well…:

  • How to live unapologetically as a Christian in tough times
  • If the world is going to get crazier (spoiler- it does) and how you can live boldly in it
  • Areas of strength found in the Bible and how YOU can apply them to your life today!
  • Some of his fears and how he was called out by an 11 year old!
  • How we let fear into our lives without even realizing that is what we are doing
  • How to CONQUER FEAR
  • and much more

Grab your copy today! You get it an any updates he is inspired to add! We would love to hear what you think about this book by leaving a review below and wherever you bought it!

To your growth and living fearlessly,

Guided Steps Coaching

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An Awesome Life Coaching Hack – The 5 Minute Rule

The Other Day Was Pretty Crappy

life coach hack life coaching time management productivity tool
Don’t pet me until you get stuff done!

Today I am going to share two AMAZING life coaching hacks with you, along with a story or two. When I first heard of the concept I am going to share with you many moons ago, I figured it was something stupid. You know, I knew everything back then. My life coach pushed me to utilize it, this was when we had owned a fitness center and at times I would do literally nothing. It turns out, when I’m in a productivity funk this life coaching hack is a game changer. If I let this life coaching hack become a game changer, because I’m human and sometimes can’t get out of my own way. However, I digress and today isn’t that type of day. The other day was, I saw where I went wrong, and adjusted yesterday. Regardless, I double digress. Oh, and I’ll give you a few ideas at the bottom of the page so you don’t hit the funk I did the other day, and if you do you can jump right out of it!

Always Be Prepared! But HOW?! Awesome Life Coaching Hack #1

If you’re anything like me, and chances you are, you need motivation at times. When my to-do list is 3 1/2 pages long, sometimes I will simply stare at it, go to Facebook (after the article make sure you check out our Guided Steps Coaching Facebook Page!). For me that means lists. My father once told me:

Nothing exists if it isn’t written down

My awesome dad Jim
life coach hack is a life coach worth it
I told you to make a list

What’s he know anyway? Apparently a LOT, plus he has tons of cool stories and is awesome all around. I digress, yet again. His idea of lists was another life coaching hack I have used many times over. It makes sense, there’s been times I have gone an entire day and gotten a TON done, but I didn’t accomplish things that led to stressful time management issues. I didn’t have a list. I know you’re like me with this, the store and not having a list. I go through so many figurative rabbit holes in the store it is crazy! I’m staying away from carbs but I will end up in the bakery, dog food aisle (and cat food), baby aisle (even though I’m not having any more kids), and even the toy aisle (because shopping last minute for presents is something else I foolishly do). Before you know it I have scanned half my items and forgot the silly Greek yogurt for a marinade I wanted to make. Literally the whole purpose of going to the store. I also spent over $75 on stuff I had no intention on buying.

Would my results have been different if I brought a list? Based solely on past experience I can confidently say yes they would have. Keep reading because I’m going to throw some good stuff your way.

When Do You Use a List?

This may seem like a dumb question, however I have learned that there is typically never a foolish question. Not never, sorry grammar police, but typically. There have been some foolish questions I have asked. But with a legal background, sometimes you just have to ask. Any who, here is a list of things you may want to consider making lists for (if you can add anything make sure you post it in the comments!).

  • Goals (THIS IS CRUCIAL! And has proven my father’s theory many times over!!)
  • Bucket list (Sort of like goals but with a bucket)
  • Grocery shopping
  • Chores
  • How something flows (directions/recipes I will read in list format all day, but if the recipe is like a 9 page story I am off that page faster than my boys when I say they can play a video game).
  • Hierarchy (Like baby names, “I like names in this order,” that way you can pick a first and middle easier – you’re welcome! FYI I was told I will never pick a child’s name, apparently Archemedus Bartholomew is too 15th century-ish)
  • Literally anything and if you’re a baseball coach like I was this past Fall your lineup and fielding roster (every kid should play somewhere different and learn, if you can’t do that don’t coach young kids) depends on it.
  • Your 20 favorite songs in case someone ever asks you – you can say “BAM let me go to my list”

Awesome life coaching hack number one has been satisfied. HOWEVER can it be used for the second awesome life coaching hack? You be the judge. (It really can and should honestly).

Awesome Life Coaching Hack #2 – The 5 Minute Rule!

If you need motivation or even a little bit of help with procrastination, this is a great tool to use or rule to follow and is surely one of the best life coaching hacks to get moving! It’s common in cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) technique. The main part of this is taking just FIVE minutes to commit to something!

So Coach, How Do We Do This Life Coaching Hack?

Simple, follow this list and boom. Done (MAYBE).

  • Set a timer on your laptop or phone, egg timer even, something. Set it for 5 minutes and 15 seconds.
  • Get ready, because when the time gets down to 5 minutes you are giving whatever you set yourself 5 minutes to do all your effort. Need to write a letter? Brainstorm for 5 minutes. Build a website? Design the blocks and what goes where. 5 minutes to start doing whatever you set out to do. It’s only 5 minutes, you got it!
  • After 5 minutes see how you feel, did you get enough done? Maybe, maybe not. BUT you started it and are in a good position to keep on going.

Why Does This Life Coaching Hack Work?

This life coaching hack takes on procrastination/getting started right at the toughest part – starting the task. What you’re doing is playing with your head, instead of saying “I need to write a whole letter?!” you see it as “it’s only 5 minutes”. Anytime you find yourself procrastinating, use this simple yet very effective life coaching hack!

beat procrastination with a great life coaching hack
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Mindset Coaching

Mindset Coaching Technique: How Self Talk Can Kill Your Progress and 5 Ways to Change It

self mindset coaching technique ruth bell graham epitaph tombstone life coaching and using positive self talk

Mindset Coaching Technique You Drop The Ball On!

Do you know there’s someone you are around literally all day that can either be a foe or an ally, often not on purpose? That’s you! Self talk is a mindset technique that many people use by nature. From the conversations I’ve heard people having with themselves, it seems they are almost trying to set themselves up to fail! When it comes to mindset coaching techniques you can do at home, there’s one that could be obvious to work on but it normally isn’t. Positive self talk!

Do These Examples Fit You?

  • As soon as you open your eyes, you say you’re going to have a bad day
  • You sin without even thinking about it and you shame shame yourself perpetually
  • You always pick the losers, you’re either going to be single forever or end up miserable
  • Can you try not to screw this up again?
  • You really can’t do anything right can you?
  • You’ve really just wasted your life and can’t do anything with the rest of it.
  • You’re such an idiot.
  • Don’t talk, your probably going to embarrass yourself as usual!
  • You should have led that person to Christ, why didn’t you say anything you failure?
  • What a dumby, you really thought you could handle one drink??!! Years later, look at you, you’re a wreck!
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, I’m going to be a loser forever.

Imagine hearing things like what’s above or similar to it. Day in and day out. Week after week and month after month. Doesn’t it make sense you may actually believe it? Many people get snared by using poor self talk; when in all actuality you could be using an incredible mindset coaching technique, or more which you will find below! These are a few of the mindset coaching techniques we use ourselves to help change your way of thinking and seeing yourself.

If you’re saying negative ideas or statements first thing in the morning, you probably will have a rough time having a good day. Think about that idea, doesn’t it make sense? There’s a great saying I use all the time, it’s “garbage in, garbage out.” I find a lot of self talk among people involved in our Christian coaching, especially when it comes to leading people to Christ. We only have to plant the seed, He handles the rest.

Construction Has Been Complete

There’s a pastor family that has famously been known as THE evangelists in North America. Their life seemed perfect, and in many areas most would give anything for the life they had! Ruth Bell Graham has a tombstone that reads something that I want you to really sit back and think about. This is one of my favorite mindset coaching techniques do to the potential power it can have on your life. Although morbid when you think about it, it shows many different takeaways. Even those others consider to be greatly successful, realize there is always something to work on until the end.

End of Construction

Thank you for your patience

Tombstone of Ruth Bell Graham

Even as I write this post, I paused and reflected in it. I’m unsure of who is reading this, but regardless of where you are in your life stop for a second. I believe in you! I truly do, we all have the same ability to do better, to do the next right thing! We all have the ability to get out of our funks we encounter in life. We are human and make mistakes, however we have the ability to accept that mistake as a learning occurrence or can create a habit of it.

Look at the end of that paragraph, I mentioned we can create a habit. We can also work on changing that habit. Going back to the list above, there are a few examples where failure is assumed or ridiculed. I’m not sure who said it, but it resonates and I’d like you to take a peak at it before we move on.

Winners are losers who tried one more time”

Unknown, but powerful

That quote and the last part of the epitaph of Mrs. Bell Graham’s tombstone can be used together. Maybe not so much as a mindset coaching technique, but to build your character a bit. After you’ve been used to a habit for a while it becomes second nature. Be it stress eating or shooting heroin, taking a shot the second you walk in the door or being judgmental before knowing someone ingrained habits take time. You can work toward being your best, but you need to realize a habit of 3 months is easier, although still trying, to change than a habit of 20 years. It’s very possible to change though, people do it all the time, so why not you!? Let’s get more into self talk as I went down a rabbit hole, although it didn’t last as long as normal!

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #1 – Stick Up For Yourself!

Have you ever been around someone where they are going off on the failures of someone and want to say “give them a break man!” How often would someone say that to you if they saw you downgrading yourself? Think about that for a minute? If you’re willing to, or even just want to, stick up for someone else in that situation why can’t you do it for yourself? I’ve heard more than a handful of times “because I don’t deserve it.” When coaching and guiding them to explain why, the answer usually has to do with something from the past. In my role, the past is yesterday and it’s not my job to make a better yesterday. That’s actually my favorite saying, I got it form a wise man John Pelligrini who probably got it from someone else but I heard it from him first.

You can’t make a better yesterday

John Pelligrini

I took the saying and added on that you can live a better tomorrow. “You can’t make a better yesterday, but you can make a great tomorrow by living your best today.” And change is tough, but not impossible. “Yes it is.” SHUSH! You’re only making it tougher on yourself, so if you can’t tell yourself to ease up I’ll do it for you. Ease up man, cut yourself a break! Practice this mindset coaching technique, when you catch yourself down talking yourself stand up for yourself.

self mindset coaching technique

Self Mindset Coach Technique #2 – Kill Your Critic With Kindness

Would you tell a 3 or 4 year old to suck it up and they messed up? No way, you’d probably congratulate them for trying, say we all make mistakes, you did great and so on right? You need to take that same exact mindset and use it on yourself. Don’t tell your inner critic to just shut up, you’re be aggressive against your inner voice if you do! Like above, hearing something over and over again creates a habit or acceptance. So how do you hush your inner critic, your inner self critic? You use this mindset coaching technique!

Take the old adage, kill them with kindness, and talk to your inner voice as a child. Normally children may be scared when trying to do something new. They’re intimidated by their perceived lack of ability. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to fail off the bat, again would you tell a young child that? Even if it’s not so rudely thought don’t even go with “you’re probably not going to do well.” There’s a chance that you won’t do well and may slip, it’s common sense if you think about it. Instead, quiet your self critic down with something like “I’m going to try, and see how I do. I’ll try it again and do better if I don’t do that well!”

Kids have tantrums, and a calming voice works better at calming them than yelling, right? Kill your inner critic with kindness!

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #3 – Find Proof of the (Un)Truth!

The voice your mind can create through constant self talk can be rough. Myself for example I know I have multiple degrees, certificates, years of experience and vast amounts of life experience. So if I made a mistake on something years ago I had a voice that would ask “why are you so stupid!?” Or even during reflection and realizing I was getting up there in years “You really shouldn’t try to change, you’re past your prime.”

Although I would say those, and similar, things to myself they were inherently wrong! Now I’ll ask myself if I really just said that to myself. Actually, about a year ago I cracked myself up. I walked past a window and saw a distorted reflection of myself and said “oh man you’re fat!” I immediately countered, unfortunately in public and out loud, “At least I’m not ugly, I can drop this weight if I stop eating yogurt covered pretzels in bed.” I remember the clerk told me, there’s nothing wrong with yogurt covered pretzels.

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #4 – Destress!

This mind like anything else can act up when we are under stress. This is a self done mindset coaching technique, but also a part of self care. If you put too much stress on your leg for example, there’s a chance it could fracture right? Your mind is no different under stress. Although it may not outright fracture, you will surely not feel the most positive effects it is capable of. If you find you’re stressing, realize the source and work on it if you can’t outright eliminate it! There are tons of ways to do this:

  • Pray
  • Journal – which is good to do anyway!
  • Instead of stress eating, read a book
  • Write a foolish story -one of my favorite activities.
  • LAUGH!
  • Go for a bike ride
  • Close your eyes and take in nature’s self talk – birds chirping, waves crashing, the wind blowing, or rain falling for example.

Get use to practicing this mindset coaching technique regularly, and realize the peace that will come over you. Although this has little to do with bad self talk, that negative self talk will find an easier time creeping up if you are stressed.

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #5 – Stop Being a Jerk To Yourself and Show Some Appreciation!

This can be a tougher mindset coaching technique to master, again through use of hearing yourself. However, many I have met who self sabotage have trauma that was inflicted. Sometimes the lack of self appreciation is brought on by a toxic relationship. Whatever the reason, it is tough to practice self love. That’s understandable, however you can’t let it continue to beat yourself.

I forget who said it, but it was well put that you are in a relationship with yourself for your entire life. The beauty of relationships is that they can get better! You need to work on any relationship you are in, right? Working on the your own is no different. Do you want to be in a miserable relationship, just because you’re used to it? I was, and I have to tell you aside from being able to relate that my new relationship with myself is AMAZING.

Speaking to my fellow Christians, do you know I believe it is a sin to not love who you are? I bet you didn’t know that because many of you have never had the joy of being around me and my loud personality. I don’t do public speaking typically either, but I’m always game for a cup of coffee and bottle of water (I haven’t had coffee in years). I digress. The Bible makes it abundantly clear we are special to God. We are redeemed because of the shed blood of Christ! Maybe part of doing His work for you is to love yourself, appreciate yourself.

So let’s wrap it up, we have 5 different ways you can practice self mindset coaching techniques. Maybe you need an extra hand, and that’s fine we are here for you! Which of the self mindset coaching techniques above do you think you can work on? Which self mindset coaching technique do you feel will be the most difficult? Share your thoughts!

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Wheel of Life!

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Mindset Coaching Uncategorized

Mindset Coaching: A Nutshell View, 5 People Who Need a Coach and With a Free Mindset Game!

mindset coaching life coach mindset coach mindset game

Mindset Coaching Versus Life Coaching: Is it all the same?

Mindset coaching is often characterized as being the same as life coaching, however that’s not really the case at all. Think of the two as a diagram of the human body and each body is an area of coaching. Life coaching would cover from the top of the head to the bottom of the feet whereas mindset coaching is only the head. That’s not to take away from the importance of mindset coaching at all. In fact our mindset controls our perception, this is how we decide if the glass is half full, half empty, or that we’ve already enjoyed half of it.

Here’s where it gets confusing, a life coach can surely do mindset coaching, but a mindset coach may no do life coaching. Although a coach can practice in numerous areas and be highly successful at getting results, mindset coaches typically focus on… well the mind. In fact some coaches go as far as studying hypnotherapy for decades. If you’re in to that, it could help! We have seen too many negative results, albeit there are positive results we have seen, to even consider it. There are a variety of different forms and approaches that they use and undergo extra training on, as a few of us have.

From here out, most of this article is going to focus on mindset coaches unless there’s a need. It was important to clear that up though…

So what does a mindset coach help with aside from just saying the obvious “mind” aspects?

Glad you asked, different coaches will say different things however there is a general consensus of areas the mindset coach generally will find high levels of success. Instead of saying the mind, let’s say they focus on thoughts, how you think, and coach you toward seeing things differently. That’s not all, look at this handy list below:

  • Self confidence
  • Self perception
  • Motivating yourself
  • Decluttering your mind
  • Facing your fears
  • And general awareness and consciousness

Unlike traditional coaches, a mindset coach may talk to you more than ask you questions and that’s because they are more of what’s known as an “instruction” type of coach.

Want to try an exercise on your own?

Because we have been around for millenniums I probably did not think this up myself, however I have not seen it played or mentioned myself yet. It is similar to our Wheel of Life where you get to see your results in front of you! I’ve made this into a mindset coaching game:

  • 2 Players (You and someone else)
  • A notepad & Pen
  • A good unique story based around one of the following:
    • A goal you want to achieve
    • A day in your daily life
    • A realistic story about a dream you have

Even if it doesn’t sound fun yet, you can make anything fun. This story needs a beginning, middle and end. You are the narrator! In the story you are like one of those little block figures in Minecraft being guided around. There will be a beginning, middle, and end. Just like a real story. What was it like in the beginning? You need 2 small, but realistic problems you will face and one big obstacle! The problems have to be explained as well as the obstacle including if you got around it or not. Then an ending.

The other person is going to ask questions surrounding your problem BUT has to put their hand up! The questions have to be realistic as well, relating to the problems OR the actions of the guided you. They also have to write down your positive words and phrases used (can, was able to, etc) as well as your negative words and phrases used! DO NOT try for a score, it will defeat the purpose of the game which is to see where you are as far as a natural positive or negative mindset! A positive word/phrase is worth a point, a negative word deducts a point. At the end, check out your score.

mindset coaching life coach mindset coach mindset game

What’s The benefit of this game again?

You get to spend some quality time with a loved one or trusted friend instead of a mindset coach. You get to see how your mindset works positively or negatively by nature. Again, do not try for a score! This is a free mindset coaching game I have used and the results were pretty neat!

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Facing Adversity and a Little Christian Growth, It’s All Building Character in The End!

christian growth

This article will have a little something for everyone. Adversity is an aspect of life we will all face in many different stages of life. In our day to day living, in recovery, and as part of Christian growth if you are a believer! At the end we will have a little take away you can do to start facing adversity better, increase your Christian growth, and in general develop your character a bit more.

When it comes to Christian growth, something we need to look at especially is character! Christian character is especially in the world we live. I was looking into this topic and saw that it’s popularity has gone down incredibly since 2003. This post is all about fear and standing up to adversity and how we can start fueling up to live a full life! Let’s look at a great example of Christian growth and see if there’s anything we can put into practice.

Our character is going to be challenged constantly, maybe not so much with us being called out but rather how we interact and react to our surroundings. In our faith, this is to be an expected part of Christian growth and we are told we will face adversity. At times we are going to have to be a defender of what we believe in. Although it is geared toward Christian growth anyone can take something from the following story! Look at Steven, in the Synagogue as discussed in the book of Acts, this is a great example of where we should want to be in our Christian growth and Christ like character! He was in a dicey situation, he was calling out the religious elite for not adhering to the Holy Spirit. From what Acts says, it was indeed a testy situation!

Christian growth personal development develop character christian coaching

Biblical example of how where our Christian growth should lead

He spoke and the elders there disputed him but could not get past his wisdom! The power he showed they said gave him the face of an angel! The resistance from the religious establishment was not having what he said and countered him. We can only imagine the yelling and screaming that was going on. Yet he did not scream or fight aggressively giving them back an attitude. His wisdom and the spirit with which he was speaking, they just couldn’t get past it! If you ask me, that’s Christian growth!

When the resistance came, Steven stayed peaceful and calm and his continence was “glowing”. How cool is that? We could never do that, I mean if people were downplaying something we knew to be true, how would we act out? If someone was yelling at me as a man would probably get testy, wouldn’t you? When opposition comes at us at time we fold normally, it’s almost a fight or flight situation at times!

This is spiritual power God freely provides us through wisdom and He freely provides that wisdom. Proverbs 1:9 states:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;

Fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Source: https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God-Gives-Wisdom

We may not feel strong, look at Steven’s story in Acts 7 with the elders enraged! He was called to stand up for what is right. It can be scary at times, but with any habit it becomes easier and easier to do what is right. When Steven was being stoned to death, he not only gave up his soul, he said in a loud voice that their sin not be held against them. We serve an audience of one. Sometimes especially if we are scared or face push back, we need to look at Steven. His final words remind me of someone else, Christ Jesus.

Part of that wisdom God provides allows us to be courageous, courage that matches our conviction! What do you do to stand up for your conviction? Do you stand courageously for a just cause? We are called to step out of our comfort zones and stand up for our values. Not do be silent in the face of adversity, but to speak kindly yet boldly about our beliefs.

Examples of showing our character?

Character, although is an important aspect of Christian growth, is a vital aspect of every person’s personal growth and development. Our strength to “fight” good battles! Look at the saying “One day at a time” which is a common and popular adage among individuals in recovery. Many in recovery firmly believe in the idea that wisdom will help them avoid situations that could jeopardize their sobriety. So what happens when adversity comes their way, say where the booze is flowing at a family party? “Hey can I get you a beer?” “No thank you, I don’t drink.” “Aww come on everyone is drinking, it’s a party man.” “I really can’t drink, I’m an alcoholic.” “One probably won’t kill you, will it?” “You know what, one is too much and a thousand will never be enough. But if you have a can of soda I could go for one of those. But I’m not going to drink alcohol.”

Parents are faced with adversity all the time. Sometimes it’s easiest to throw in the towel for a regular battle, but down the road are left with a “wow, I wish I stuck with that.” It’s easy to shelf something, especially under stress and tuck and roll. With children as parents we are trying to help mold them not to be replicas of ourselves, but able to navigate this world. For example, many kids will fight over going to a party that lasts into the night, especially in high school! “All my friends are going, I’ll be fine.” You could tell them “no, because I said so.” What that’s not showing them is you respect their desire, you’re an authoritarian. So how can you say no? “You know what honey, I was your age before and I’ve seen what happens when a party goes wrong. I’m not comfortable, it’s not you I worry about (unless it is!), it’s everyone else who may not have the same idea of fun as you.” “Ugh, you’re so unfair, I’ll be the loser for not going.” “If that group of kids will think you’re a loser because you can’t go out and potentially get in trouble, are they really worth being around to begin with? You know what, record me and my reasoning and play it for them.” When they raise their voice, stay calm. I was a teenager before, that voice will get raised. Just remind them you want respect and you respect them enough to explain why you say no.

To Make You Think

  • Can you name an area of adversity you’ve faced before?
    • What did you do where you feel you handled it well?
    • What could you have done better?

How can you apply this to you personal development or Christian growth? We would love to read your thoughts in the comment section! If you liked the read we would appreciate a share!