Ingredients to a Toxic Relationship: Resentment in a Relationship And The 1 Surefire Way To Fix It.

This edition of the Guided Steps Blog is all about another ingredient that makes a great toxic relationship, that is resentment in a relationship. The last post we discussed codependent relationships including signs you are in one and the feedback was superb to say the least (we do read our email!) so why not touch base on an underlying factor of a toxic relationship? Let’s talk about resentment which is something discussed far too little outside of the world of addiction recovery, yet it rears its ugly head in more places than you would think.

Want to Start With What Resentment Is (it’s way more than a toxic relationship)?

Resentment is a description toward negative feelings and emotions due to being mistreated. Sometimes the mistreating may not be bad to other people. This is part of the beauty, and craziness, of perception.

There is no “official” cause for resentment because we are people created Imago Dei and not a bunch of robots like the news would have us think (yep, I have a small resentment with the media but it doesn’t control me…. you’ll read about that soon!). In fact there are typically a few different ways resentment can make itself known, and although the root cause can differ it does relate to being wronged or mistreated. That’s not to say unfairness isn’t a part of life because it is. We are going to get disappointed, however that doesn’t necessarily cause a resentful attitude or mindset. It can however lead to a very toxic relationship. In fact, resentment in a relationship was one of the reasons my last one didn’t pan out.

Here’s How We Boil The Toxic Relationship Brew

I suppose a better way would have been to say “here’s what triggers resentment”. But that’s not nearly as visually appear it as you read it, right? The first way resentment can brew (I suppose it does work after all!) is in relationships with people who have to be right all the time. It’s important to note, they may not be right all the time. Have you ever talked to a kid who knew something and was completely wrong? How did it go when you tried to correct them? They probably fought back right?

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who thought they were always right. You have the makings of a toxic relationship if they let it get to them! It may come out, it may not. That sounds sort of vague but it is entirely up to the individual who harbors the resentment. I’ve found that it normally comes out in what could be a catastrophic blowup.

What about when you speak and people seem to not listen? Not being heard is a common trigger for resentment. I have heard about that in the halls for a while now. In fact, I had a resentment due in part to that.

Being taken advantage of in a friendship or romantic relationship can cause a toxic relationship to start forming. Imagine being nice and helping whenever you were called on. You may have did it because of a codependent tendency or you may have done it out of love because you could. Now imagine how easily resentment in a relationship can build up if when you called the same person or people they didn’t pull through for whatever reason. You’d probably be upset with them, right?

What’s another way resentment can be triggered in a relationship? Ah yes, unrealistic expectations of others. When we were growing up we had vivid imaginations, we would hear something without seeing it and draw a picture in our head of what it should look like. This can help cause a toxic relationship. Why? Well from experience, people aren’t who we think they are.

People can be stellar at something, but we expect more. I expected honesty in my relationships because I was honest. Unfortunately, I was wrong (shocking I know!) But I had set up unfair and unrealistic expectations for them. How they should act around and not around me, honesty, etc. I helped to create resentment in the relationship because I was brewing a toxic relationship without knowing it! The end result was not good, we no longer even have a friendship and they were really a great person. I’m sure you’ve set unrealistic expectations in a relationship and have been aggravated when they didn’t come to fruition, right?

I’m leaving out what is most common until the end. What do you think it is? You’ll read shortly, but first lets give another cause for a toxic relationship. Tardiness, or always being late can help people you interact with harbor resentments. You may not realize it, but people often feel like their time is not meaningful to you if you always keep them waiting. It doesn’t necessarily just deal with going out, it can be as simple as being with other friends too long or chatting with a coworker too long and forcing someone to wait. I don’t wear a watch, but one way for me to let someone know I’m getting aggravated is by looking at my wrist where a watch should be. I’m a very punctual person as a sign of respect.

The last common trigger for a resentment in what could be a toxic relationship is humor. Being put down to be exact. What makes it even worse is when you are the brunt of the joke! Yeah, that will make someone harbor a resentment! Have you ever saw those married couples where they joke about their spouse? Or the group of friends that always have that one friend they pick on? It could be all well and fun, but the person being picked on may not think so.

So You Caused A Toxic Relationship Over “Encouraging”
Resentments How Can You Fix It?

The easiest thing to put down here is to say you’re sorry. However resentments are “cured” that easily. You could try and make it up to someone if it was a one time thing. You could publicly admit your wrong and embarrass yourself. Words are empty and one time actions don’t equate to someone dropping a resentment.

So how do you remedy a toxic relationship that’s harboring resentments? With changed behavior! It’s literally that simple, both from knowledge and experience. An easy way to do this is with our course on creating Lasting Change which is getting rave reviews so far! Give it a shot and put in the work, you can start today! Grab your copy of Lasting Change here.