That’s a really great question, “is life coaching worth it?” You will get YOUR clear answer in this article. The answer is yes, no, and maybe and that is as honest an answer as anyone could ever give or receive in regards to that question. Looking at the question again, is life coaching worth it we need to put quotations around the “it” aspect of the query. Why do we need to do that? Because the “it” opens doors to more than one viewpoint, what it are we talking about? Again, we are going to fully answer that question throughout this article.
Is life Coaching Worth It? No…
Let Me Tell You Yesterday (This is Not When You Want to Hire A Life Coach)
Is life coaching worth it? Let’s imagine the it being you interested in hiring a life coach to talk about your past. I would say without a doubt normally it is not worth it. There is only so much a life coach can do when it comes to discussing your past, because they are not equipped (normally) to do that!
If you want to hire a life coach, you should do so when you are trying to move forward. As I mentioned in our “Life Coaching” article that really breaks down what life coaching is I mentioned we help in a forward moving sense. Life coaches are not therapists. Therapists, albeit some life coaches, do have the proper training and education to help you.
Is it Worth it to Hire a Life Coach to Tell Me What To Do?
Negative, this is where you want a consultant. Personally I mix the two together very effectively, I was a consultant/advisor and I am also a pretty highly sought after Christian life coach. A consultant or advisor are brought in to literally do that. A coach, life coach or mindset coach, mainly bring the best out of you. I personally feel a sense of obligation to make more recommendations that the average coach, but I cannot tell you how to completely live your life. No life coach or even consultant can do that! Just like there is a difference between life coaches and therapists, consulting and life coaching are also different creatures.
Part of the beauty of coaching is the empowerment you get. A lot of the ideas and goals that, or at least should, come out of a coaching session come from you. I’ve seen too many times to count where ther coachee (that’s you) mentions something after my probing that is monumental for them. There’s a few reasons for this empowerment also:
Sometimes coachees aren’t as open with us as they should be. We don’t walk in your shoes, we can’t fully understand the impact a decision would have on you! The probing questions bring up things you may not normally have considered
All of these shine light toward the importance of coaching versus consulting or telling you what to do.
Is Life Coaching Worth It? Maybe….
What does the word maybe have in it (it being the word itself)? That’s an important question to ask yourself when pondering the question of is life coaching worth it. If you are completely unsure where you want to go, is hiring a life coach worth it starts to shift toward a no. If you are stuck between maybe 4 different avenues, then is hiring a life coach worth it shoots up to an easy yes.
The maybe answer comes to that question, is life coaching worth it with another dilemma. Are you willing to put in the work of make changes. If that answer is a maybe, then maybe is life coaching worth it becomes a nope again. If your willingness hinges on the scope of the actions or changes your really need to consider how much this change is worth to you. If it’s worth a lot, then absolutely will “is life coaching worth it” become a resounding yes.
Is Life Coaching Worth It? Absolutely YES!
Is Life Coaching Worth It? The Final Answer Before You Hire a Life Coach.
Is hiring a life coach worth it? Is life coaching worth it? Yes, it absolutely is if…..
You want more than “what do I do next” (and if you don’t you have to find out if the individual is the right one before you hire a life coach. As I said above, some life coaches like myself can mix advising and coaching. Most unfortunately do not have the experience to do that.
Is life coaching worth it becomes a heck yes if you are willing to follow through on your plan. If you’re not, you need to consider your motivation and whether or not your desire to hire a life coach is basically an impulse you’re feeling.
If you are ready for change and want more than a motivational speaker the answer to “is life coaching worth it” is a slam dunk yes. This is where most coaches shine! If you want to change and are excited or even anxious about it than you surely would want to hire a life coach. Motivational speeches or speaking could be part of the sessions, but that is more along the lines of an accountability partner. Coaches will do their best to pep you up and encourage you, but motivational speaking is left normally for the coaches who literally do that.
In the end, “is life coaching worth it?” is a question that only you have an answer to. Don’t forget, aside from life coaches there are other coaches too! Read about the many different types of coaches over here. If you have any other questions before you go and hire a life coach feel free to list them below and we will be sure to answer you!
So far we have seen that with healthy boundaries relationships are the exact opposite of codependent tendencies. We have seen this all throughout the Boundaries Book pretty much in each of the preceding articles/chapters. This article is going to show a bit more of what, how, and with healthy boundaries relationships should look. Know what that means? We are going example heavy, because how else could we see the picture healthy boundaries relationships paints? Let’s get cracking! We will have a yes and a no for each topic.
With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Have More Respect
Yeah, you read that right! There is more respect in them. Now is that going to come immediately? If the relationship in question is established already, we will be teaching old dogs new tricks – that goes for all involved including yourself. You’ll be giving acceptable respect, and you will be expecting respect! Let’s see how healthy boundaries in relationships look:
With healthy boundaries relationships allow for yes and no when either is necessary
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, I wanted chicken, I’m not eating this crap.” “I’m sorry Billy Bubblebutt, I’ll make your dino chickie nuggies instead of this filet minon right away!” With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, make my nuggets NOW! I’m not eating this steak!” “You’re going to eat what I made, I told you I was making this when you asked 5 times after school. Also, you do NOT talk to me like that you’re grounded for 3 days. You’re not watching ballerinas in pajamas this weekend Billy.”
Do you see how mom takes control in the first verses the second example?
With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Share the Blame
As codependents, we have a tendency to take blame for things that aren’t our faults and a large chunk of the time do not even involve us. With healthy boundaries relationships blame allows you to accept when you made a mistake, but not force the issue to convict you. Other times, especially if this has been the way the relationship has gone, your partner may blame you when it isn’t your fault!
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I’m sorry you missed the ball champ, I should have held it in front of you so you could hit it when you were done staring at the bird flying.”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I can’t swing the bat for you, if it’s too fast let me know that. I’m not a mind reader buddy, nice swing though!”
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “You made me crack the omelette, you gave me the wrong spatula. Breakfast is ruined.” “I’m sorry, let me have the place down the street deliver.”
Yes “The omelette is messed up, you gave me the wrong spatula. How are you going to fix this?” “It’s ruined because it was supposed to be flipped. You have the stuff out, toss that one in the trash and make another one, just flip it when it’s firm**” ** I’m a life coach not a chef, and I have admittedly never attempted to make an omelette, it should have been flipped whenever you omelette makers normally flip or fold it..
With Healthy Boundaries Relationships, You Can Say No Simply Because
When it comes to people pleasing and codependency, this one word can give us significant feelings of guilt, shame, and an overall sense we are letting people down. The most prevalent places I have seen this are at home and in the workplace. With codependency we are saving or being saved, with people pleasing we have to support and uplift them. With healthy boundaries relationships still allow for this, but not in the typical absolute sense of need we typically put on it. Even if it is going to impact us negatively, we HAVE to help!
With healthy boundaries relationships allow us to say no. If our plate is full, saying no could let people down – especially if they are used to us helping them. Especially when we begin inserting boundaries in relationships, this is the make or break point typically. We will either see progress or we won’t. With this one we are taking a more serious tone with our examples because this is a crucial area for change and improving your people pleasing and codependency tendencies.
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Joe what are you doing this weekend?” “Not much just hanging out at home probably. Michelle was saying the other night even though we live together we basically only text because we don’t see each other.” “Aww come on guy, it will be a blast. I’m not taking no for an answer!” “I told her I would help paint the living room though.” “Joe, you’re coming out this weekend and catching trout – just text her and tell her something came up”
With healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Hey Joe let’s go out this weekend, party Friday and Saturday, we can recover Sunday!” “Hey Man, I appreciate the invite but I think I am going to stay in and spend a little time with Michelle I haven’t seen her all week.” “Dude, trout fishing. She will get it, you guys live together anyway!” “I really can’t, what are you doing next Saturday?” “Yes you can, I’m free every weekend for the next month I think.” “Alright I will, just not this weekend. Thanks again for the invite, send me some shots of what I miss if you catch anything this time.”
Do you see how that works? If you went with Joe’s example of not having boundaries he would probably be in turmoil because sure he wants to hangout with his friend however he promised time to his wife. If he went because, let’s say his name was Tom, was badgering him he would let Michelle down. What this would do, especially since the unhealthy boundaries showed him acting in a people pleasing way. He would start stressing most likely over how Michelle would handle it, he would instantly have resentments toward himself. His mental health would take a hit over unnecessary stress.
Let’s look at an example in terms of someone in recovery. Typically if you are strong in recovery, the following situation wouldn’t bother you too much. There’s an important saying that people brush off and they really shouldn’t, that if you hang around the barber enough you’re going to get a hair cut.
Without healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Tommy, want to come to a wedding and reception with me? It’s open bar and the party is going to be insane. I’m only doing the toast and a few drinks.” “Thanks for the offer Danielle, sounds like it will be fun. I’ve been trying to hang with you for a while but I can’t drink. I’m 3 months sober and when I’m around booze I get weak. Can’t say no, ya know?” “Come on dude, just don’t drink. I’ll make it worth your while after!” “I can’t, next time when there isn’t alcohol flowing maybe.” “You’re weak, if you can’t come with me forget it I don’t need a weak guy.” “Fine.”
Tommy went and was good for a while! He let her guilt him into it, and Tommy ended up getting a DUI charge afterward. Danielle didn’t want a guy who couldn’t drive so he got dumped anyway. Will that happen all the time? Of course not! But at 3 months, he knew his boundaries and tried to stick with them. He gave in and not only lost his clean time but also but his freedom.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Tommy, you should come to a wedding with me!” “Just the wedding or the reception too?” “Both, free booze and we could end up having a better night than the bride and groom.” “I’ll do the wedding but I don’t want to be around booze flowing like the Nile. I just got sober and don’t think it would be a good idea.” “Can’t you just have one shot with me or stay away from the bar?”
“I might be able to stay away from the bar, but one shot would be too many and 100 wouldn’t be enough you know?” “Well you’ve been bugging me to come, man up and let lose one night won’t kill you!” “May not kill me but I’ve worked hard to get here. Either another time or just forget it, I can’t be around that.” “Good for you bro, I like to drink and have fun so maybe we aren’t that compatible anyway.”
Tommy was dying to get with Danielle, but he knew his sobriety was more important. Even outside the recovery realm, sometimes we just can’t put ourselves in places that bug us. Tommy didn’t regret his decision, at first he was down but he felt empowered by finally being able to say no. With healthy boundaries relationships can have empowerment flowing freely, just like the open bar above. Empowerment does amazing things for your self esteem!
As I mentioned before, there are a few pain points that people feel in common situations. Without healthy boundaries relationships such as intimate and employee/employer related situations. Let’s focus on those, and although the mom/child situation above could be seen as intimate, let’s look more at an example with the ability to say no for healthy boundaries in relationships where it’s more of a significant other view shall we?
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to borrow your apartment for a visit!” “For what and why?” “DCF, just say I’ve lived there for a while and I’m clean and we are good.” “Are you crazy? I don’t want DCF in my house!!” “If you love me you will, just have your kids go to your mom’s or something.” “Ugh whatever.”
Little did he know that having been involved in an investigation would follow him. For whatever unreasonable reason people investigated by DCF typically have a bad following. He didn’t get custody of his 12 month old daughter because against his better judgement he let his girlfriend have the visit at his house and she dropped an empty heroin baggie from her purse accidentally in front of the worker.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to have a meeting at your place, DCF is on my case for a meeting over me neglecting Jasiel!” “Shannon, no way I can’t I’m going through a custody case for Conrad, if stuff goes south I’m screwed.” “
If you love me you will!” “Listen, I love you but I am not jeopardizing my sons. Plus I don’t want to be tied up in that, I can support you and say you’re doing good but you said last week you were sick and I know what that means. I get it, trust me I do. But for our safety, I can’t!” “Come on!” “Dude, my cousin works for the court system and told me whatever I do not to get caught up in their investigations. NO.” “Whatever, screw me over like that I knew you didn’t love me! I should have just stayed with Alex he would let me.”
“I said no, I do a lot for you. This is just something I can’t do, plus after you got out of detox and into the sober house we talked boundaries. I do feel bad for you, but if you’re just going to constantly bring me down maybe this isn’t going to work anyway.”
The scenario above is similar to something I helped coach someone through. He came to us because he was tired of getting used used in his romantic relationships and typical of codependent behaviors would put them before anything else. He unfortunately did have to end his relationship and, after advising him, did seek therapy too. He is thriving now and will be the first to tell you that standing your ground is tough but sometimes you need to for yourself. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for your decision to stand.
Last but not least, we arrive at work. Although we have an idea of what it looks like when relationships allow for healthy boundaries by saying no, work is a toughie. Some people are workaholics, and not because they necessarily love their job but because they feel obligated and needed. At times, they may be needed. When I left my position at Vitamin World, the store was closed a few months later and prior to me being employed it was set to be closed 3 months prior. I’m a great manager and I know that, I just prefer coaching versus managing.
Let’s look at an example from something I have helped coach a few people through, the situation is similar in each of their experiences. Here’s the scenario:
Jane is middle management and works for an hourly wage. She’s a mom of 2, an 11 year old and 5 year old. The 11 year old is constantly trying to get her to watch his games. Although she is divorced she has someone she is dating. She has been employed by the same company for 12 years and although is paid hourly, makes roughly $65,000 per year by herself.
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane, I know you have next week off but we need your help with this. Is there anyway you can zoom in to a few meetings to help the team understand it better?”
[Important note – She has done this for years before and is never compensated for her extra work. Fun fact, even voluntarily – this violates labor law. Someone performing work for a company regardless of whether it is allowed or not is to be compensated. More of an important note, I have a BS (funny, I know) in Legal Studies however AM NOT a practicing paralegal or lawyer.]
“The company doesn’t allow for overtime and when I wrap up today I will be at 39:50.” “You’ve never asked for overtime, we could work something out maybe an early day or two to equal whatever you do at the meetings.” “Fine.”
Although she didn’t work everyday, she promised her 11 year old she would watch the game. She stayed in her car for most of the game for a meeting, and when she was by the field she was responding to text messages. “Did you see my home run?!” “Yes!” “I didn’t hit one, at least you came to the field, but I get it work is important because you need money to pay the bills.”
Even if she was getting paid, which was never guaranteed and she was using vacation time, we can see when we don’t have healthy boundaries relationships, regardless of where, will eventually spill in to other relationships. She let her son down, her unhealthy relationship has her mismanaging her most important role – her family.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane I know you’re off next week, but we need you to cover the Tuesday evening meeting. John’s on vacation and I don’t think Elliot is prepared yet, still learning the ropes you know?” “Ted, I’m on vacation too. I promised my son I’d watch his game and I want to watch his game, I’ve had this vacation planned for months now. I’m sorry I can’t.”
“Don’t you like the job?” “I do, but I love my family more. I’ll do what I can to help you guys set everything up for Elliot, but maybe ask John if he can give an hour or two from his vacation instead if that doesn’t work for you?” “But you always gave us extra help without asking” “I know, however I have been neglecting family time and probably gave this company a solid few months of unpaid help, I need this time for me.”
The clients I mentioned that had gone through the above situation or similar all showed codependent traits. It’s tough to say no, and as we had seen in other articles on this site about codependent behavior, badgering to say yes is often used. Typically, without healthy boundaries relationships with people we are close to make it tough to say no!
What’s interesting is we can in each example above see a codependent relation. There’s a giver and a taker. Codependency will always be difficult to manage if we don’t stick to our guns. There’s a book that I feel shows codependency better than any other. It’s called “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” and I highly recommend reading it and going over it with your children!
*note – If you click the book, and we would appreciate it, we may get compensation if you purchase it. We suggest this book being in your library especially if you struggle with codependent relationships as you can surely see the course of the giver and receiver.
What About Technology?
Social media has been impacting people’s lives. There’s surely a case for this, and the examples that follow are what I have heard and seen. Tpically I coach through these issues during relationship coaching. Additionally, I wrote a paper on the addictive qualities of technology during adolescence. The struggle is real. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for you to use or enjoy social media and technology! Let’s look at they it looks like when we combine both healthy boundaries and relationships.
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her page!” “Sorry there was a reason I was there!”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her time line, I’m the only woman you need to look at.” “A bit controlling, but I’m on here to share something.”
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Oh my gosh put your phone down.” “But I might miss a notification!”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Do you really need to stay on your phone?” “You know what, no, I can respond later.”
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – Both people on their phone while at a restaurant together.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey let’s put our phones away and enjoy each other’s company.”
Boundaries and intimate relationships go together like a building and it’s cornerstone (no log cabins here, let’s make my analogy work). Here we are with our newest segment in the Boundaries Book! You’ll read in this article how poor boundaries lead to a life that misses out on growth, fullness, and happiness. One way we learn in life is through having a constant to learn from. I will also be putting a short, hopefully entertaining, read together at the end.
My dog is on a chair she isn’t supposed to be on. No poor boundaries here, she got off and went on her chair. Pretty spoiled huh, she has her own chair! She’ll let you know if you’re sitting on it too.
Poor boundaries are almost like being rushed through basic math. When we are in kindergarten, we learn one plus one (maybe first grade) equals two and we learn how letters work together. Imagine if we didn’t have time to grasp that and understand how basic words and math work, we would constantly struggle through life! It’s my intention in this article to show you how poor boundaries are like a poor education.
Poor Boundaries in Intimate Relationships
One important factor in premarital counseling is boundaries I have read, I never took premarital counseling and if I had maybe I would have remained single instead. Boundaries and “roles” are important in relationships, they help the family operate. The roles will change periodically as situations change. When the situation changes, but the roles don’t, is where poor boundaries can really become an issue.
Although I have been a coach for what seems like ages, I have noticed some things around intimate relationships and poor boundaries. Poor boundaries in family typically lead to poor boundaries in relationships outside of the family. What’s weird now, maybe in the last 10 years is the amount of acceptance in having relationships that I call “hybrid relationships”. This is the relationship that has been born in the hookup culture we live in now. Did you know that I believe these relationships are worsening not only our culture, but our mental health?
I’m not sure where our need for these hookup relationships are coming from, although I do have my own theories. It could be (literally) hookup apps like Tinder or Ashley Madison. They could also come from what we are listening too, our obsession with instant gratification, or the devil. Even birds will pick a mate to make a nest with, it’s natural and, without having poor boundaries, healthy to have one partner.
If you think you see traits of codependency in this explanation you are right. The psychological word that describes neediness is codependency. Having poor boundaries is shown as neediness because we crave affection, interaction, and happiness from others. Although this is extremely rational and Maslow points out it’s psychologically healthy to want approval and affection poor boundaries will have us go about it in a detrimental way.
With poor boundaries we can typically sacrifice our own needs and wants to get the “love”, which is what was mentioned above encompassed into a single word, we crave. We will also put our identity in that person or those people and blame them for our emotions and actions! I’m still researching it, because I’m a dork as mentioned above, but it seems as if this allows us to enter a state where we are living in a victim mentality and that person’s job is to save us. When they fail at that, the poor boundaries we are living with help bring out the codependent tendencies such as bitterness and resentment.
As we have seen previously, the giver and taker are almost magically drawn together due to their personalities. Neediness is also shown in the need to save someone, and I can relate to this as I was there myself. What ends up happening is we feel bad because of their emotions or actions because we take the blame for them!
Expectations and poor boundaries
This is another sign that you have poor boundaries, and also teeters on the idea of neediness (seems like all of these symptoms work together, doesn’t it? Hmm….). Have you ever received something from someone and although you liked it the value of it was instantly gone when you find out why you received it? Poor boundaries show with unrealistic expectations and ulterior motives. When something is given or done for people with the expectation of something or assumption you will get something in return the value is lost.
I was speaking with my great friend and sponsor about this. He mentioned we would typically do something but it always had a price tag. We wanted either a thank you or praise for what we had just done. This isn’t healthy and in relationships with poor boundaries it shows when someone is saving someone. It typically isn’t because they care about the person or the issue, but that they want the receiver to feel better about the giver. I will explain this in the video below (way below, keep reading about poor boundaries eould ya?).
Have you ever seen someone who seems to be around drama no matter the place or situation, there’s just drama following them? The most likely culprits for this, yeah it’s them – or you – are that person involving themselves in everyone else’s business or they are actually creating the problem themselves. Sounds crazy right, why would anyone even dream of creating a problem when there are no issues?! That’s what this section is all about.
The individual could be creating problems when there are none so that they can look like the hero. Where I mentioned that we help with a price tag, this is what I am talking about. The problem is there so they can fix it and get all the love and positive emotions they are craving. In more advanced situations, this becomes a sign of serious disorders one that comes to mind was the psycho nurse who would have to come and save people or babies because they were dying – because of her. If you can’t tell, not fixing poor boundaries can lead to serious consequences way worse than those mentioned above or in other articles!
Back to creating the problem or always being involved in the drama, something that may not be noticed by the perpetrator doing it is they become “ugly”. Instead of being seen as a hero in a nice tapered cape, they are seen negatively as unattractive, unwelcoming, or that person nobody wants to be around. Then more people need to have problems around them because as mentioned in the paragraph above this personality issues can easily become exacerbated if not addressed. That actually leads into the last section, the viscous cycle of poor boundaries.
Poor boundaries can create a viscous cycle – can you relate?
For a quick second picture a garden with a few weeds in it; what happens if you don’t tend to those weeds? Eventually you have a forest (literally because maple trees spring up EVERYWHERE out here) full of weeds you have to go through or else you don’t enjoy the beauty of your garden, right? The viscous cycle of poor boundaries is so similar it’s insane, that and I can be pretty handy with analogies.
As with most relationships with poor boundaries and as seen typically with codependency (which is a cause of and also could stem from poor boundaries – seeing how it all acts as a cycle yet?) we have a giver and a taker. Or we have a victim (receiver/taker) and a saver (giver) and oddly enough, because it makes no rational sense but is literally the cycle (eerily similar to the progressiveness of addiction), they both get a weird high from this dysfunctional relationship. Just like the addict or the alcoholic (there is really no difference having lived that life aside from the substance) poor boundaries are typically part of a horrible roller coaster type of relationship!
With this cycle of poor boundaries, when it comes time to date someone who is emotionally healthy, they may seem really weird. The person who has the poor boundaries can often feel like there’s really no chemistry or excitement in the potential new relationship and it ends. This is because that poor boundaries cycle 1) hasn’t been addressed in the person with the poor boundaries and 2) does not fuel the cycle, it starts breaking it! So the potentially healthy relationship gets martyred for one where the victim and saver role can be filled for that emotionally turbulent “fix”.
For a quick dose of geekness, let’s dive really quickly into attachment theory. The victim or receiver is typically the anxious-attachment types while the giver or saver is the avoidant-attachment type. And if you’re wondering, by the nature of attachment types they both repel secure attachment type of individuals. Poor boundaries seem like a drag so far, don’t they?
So how does this create a poor boundaries induced viscious cycle?
I’m glad you asked (not in a poor boundaries way where I created a problem…. oh forget it, it was slightly entertaining at least for me)! The cycle is fed here starting with bad habits or poor boundaries, sometimes one and sometimes both (man, people are weird by nature huh?). The victim has never had to, never tried, or for some even deeper underlying reason is unable to hold themselves accountable for their own feelings. Why don’t they change? That’s a story for another day (literally) but it is the danger of the comfort zone – they get used to having a weird comfort living this way.
The saver on the other hand has an issue with not solving other people’s problems! They can’t fathom a life where they are not needed to throw on their self perceived super hero cape and save the day, I mean that is how they perceive they feel love! Having these poor boundaries makes it very difficult for them to find joy and be satisfied without being the super hero. As mentioned above, change is scary for the saver as well!
Is There Hope for People With Poor Boundaries?
Oh there sure as greedy politicians raising taxes hope for people with poor boundaries! As I mentioned above it can be shown and seen as a viscous cycle and I related it to addiction. That is similar to how people who suffer from poor boundaries or intimate relationships with poor boundaries have to fix it. They need a new, fresh, healthier identity of themselves instead of being a giver/taker or victim/saver.
In addiction, we had to first realize stuff was out of control either by our own (which is often difficult hence the need for interventions)
a desire for things to improve
and begin implementing the changes to not be so codependent anymore!
It really is that easy to fix poor boundaries in a relationship, but having done it myself it really is that tough too. It is possible though and aside from our awesome course we ar
It is only when both start the process of building self-esteem that they can begin to eliminate needy behavior and make themselves more attractive.
Let’s look at a quick example told via short story about hookup relationships and poor boundaries.
Rachel (because I was reading Genesis this morning, no disrespect to any Rachel’s!) and Greg are both partiers, meaning they like to go out and party. They love going out and having fun. Little did they know they are soul mates!
Neither stay in relationships because they are too busy being self absorbed in the fun moment. Rachel has a desire for love and that old time “The Waltons” type of love. She keeps looking for love and has an average relationship of about 3 months. Even though she gives everything away, her body, her time, her emotions, whatever the guy wants she gives it she’s always sad and miserable always feeling used and abused.
Greg has no clue what he wants. He takes whatever he can get. One woman is never really enough for him. If his girl can’t go on a date with him, he brings a new one out. By the time he is 29 after living like this Greg has more kids than Abraham’s descendants (again, I read Genesis today). He meets Rachel and she’s alright with him having a trillion children even though he pays an entire paycheck for child support.
She’s not okay with him going out with random girls though, but he’s stuck around more than 3 months so she doesn’t say anything. She gives up whatever he wants, but Greg is used to just taking what he wants so there’s never a sense of gratitude.
Eventually Rachel starts getting resentments toward Greg. Why isn’t she enough? She cooks, cleans, satisfies him, the whole 9 yards.
A few years after all of this Greg meets a girl at a library because he decided to teach nerds how to have more fun (nerds rock, don’t take offense, keep being you – I am a proud cool dork myself). Greg meets a knock out that makes his heart flutter and they start hooking up. Greg gets everything he has done to Rachel and other women from this girl! Greg learned the hard way that living a free roaming life will get you nothing.
What about Rachel? Well Rachel decided to go to church after she had been wondering why her life was a wreck, she went last where she should have went first basically, and heard a sermon on how God sees us. Rachel began seeing herself this way and boom, she got married and lived happily ever after and ministers women on the importance of boundaries.
Greg never got satisfaction from his relationships. He refused to reflect and look at his mindset as well as actions. Rachel made the changes and lived a satisfying life without hooking up constantly. Although she lived in relationship after relationship with poor boundaries she put the work in and set healthy boundaries.
What do Greg and Rachel teach us about poor boundaries?
I should add they are both typical codependents. I can also add that I can relate in the most absurd ways, and like Rachel I do not live that way anymore. Without expressing your expectations, wants and needs you set yourself up to be stepped on regularly. Poor boundaries are going to get you stuck there. If you’re curious, Greg joined a traveling circus and cleaned elephant poop (I have no idea, you are allowed to make you own ending on this one).
The last post we covered how to save a codependent relationship and we listed off 5 of 10 ways that are known to help fix a codependent relationship. Again, they take work! I may sound like a broken record, but once it sticks it will make sense. The reason it takes time to fix a codependent relationship, or really any habit or trait we have developed over time, is because we learn through repetition. We like, as living things do, to follow the path of least resistance. That includes when we want to find joy in life and salvage as well as fix a codependent relationship.
Because we have to pay the bills, and because we have seen truly remarkable results – here is a commercial space for our Lasting Change course. And yes, it has helped people who struggle with codependency issues! Click the banner below and then come back and finish reading this article.
Get Ready for Resistance When You Begin to Fix a Codependent Relationship
Who likes change? Nobody, and when you are serving the needs day in and day out as a people pleaser, the one receiving may push back hard. When you are working toward trying to fix a codependent relationship, you will probably face resistance. I have seen this a few times in my intimate relationships, especially lately. And although I am not actively trying to fix a codependent relationship, I saw areas where they could.
One situation was where someone was cleaning a packed car and I went over to drop something off. She was stressed to the max and was cleaning the car out in the heat. She asked a few people for a hand and nobody did, but they were quick with the gripes on how long it took and that they were running late for vacation. So I gave her a hand. She didn’t know what to do with herself, when I help especially if it’s a stressful situation I pretty much take over and “clean house” effectively.
It is typical for her to do a lot to please other people. That’s “who she is” because that’s who she let’s herself be. She was never a client, but a close friend/ex. She is slowly growing boundaries and although I don’t agree with them, there is some progress. She gets resistance when she asks for help. When she tries to make changes, people think the world is going to end! Easy Street gets a detour and it is typically not well received. If you want to fix a codependent relationship, you need to place a detour sign on easy street…
Although her experience was with a family, it just goes to show you can fix a codependent relationship that isn’t romantic. It can be in the house, in a work place, in a club. You name it, you can find a codependent relationship in any situation. My favorite book that explains this in the simplest terms is “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” which I HIGHLY encourage adults to read for themselves as well as their children.
Practice Saying No
Saying no to people you love, especially when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship can be very tough. You’re used to saying yes, and it’s all but assumed you will say yes. This gets dicey when you start enacting change. You know you want to say no, but it’s almost like the word gets stuck leaving your mouth, right?
There’s freedom in saying no though! Much more than guilt or shame. When you’re trying to fix a codependent relationship saying no is important. What you’re doing is slowly increasing your role in the relationship. You’re justified in doing so, because it’s a relationship not a master/servant scenario.
Look Through the Eyes of Someone Else
I used to love playing pretend as a child, and it taught me how to be empathetic and really understand where people were coming from. When you are trying to fix a codependent relationship that could be the best way to start. Even if you don’t start here, it really needs to be in the plans.
You can do this yourself, or literally by asking someone outside of the codependent relationship what their thoughts are. What do they suggest? Another way is to look at your relationship through their eyes. If you were them, how would they fix your relationship? Or actually, how would you fix theirs, that makes more sense to ask it that way.
Fix A Codependent Relationship With Help!
If things in your relationship started great but got tougher, or you felt more pressure, as time went on it may be wise to get help. We obviously help with this all the time and you can contact us here for our relationship coaching or simply you for life coaching! In life we normally need a second set of eyes as it is no different when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship! Sometimes outside, professional help is needed and that’s okay!
Ask for Help to Fix a Codependent Relationship, Start Small!
Practice small things like if you, for example, typically clear off the table after dinner ask for people to scrape their plates into the rubbish! It starts with the small stuff. What you’re doing when you do this is slowly getting used to asking for help, and importantly letting people realize even if subconsciously that you may need a hand!
Start Taking Space up to Fix a Codependent Relationship!
Some people call this finding their voice, I call it taking space. Either way this is when you would slowly start interjecting yourself into the decisions and choices. You would be voicing your opinion, you would be taking your share of the relationship. This is typically the culmination for most people when they successfully fix a codependent relationship.
Want to Let Go of Resentment? Start Here and Read to the End!
So we covered in depth how to get rid of resentment, how to handle resentment against someone, now we are going to discuss how to let go of resentment. It will be a bit of a read, I also included a table of content feature so we can have longer articles instead of just more articles!
If we want to let go of resentment, we have probably got to change some of our faults and habits, including our ways of seeing things and perception. The easiest path (because we have a path we set for you!) to changing a habit is with our Lasting Change product! There will take some work as we discussed previously that habits can be tricky to change.
Let Go of Resentment By Saying Adios to Yesterday
We have 11 different ways to let go of resentment. The first one is something that is discussed a lot in recovery circles. It is the fact that we cannot make a better yesterday. I can testify to the freedom of not living in yesterday anymore! It held me back and kept me stuck in a circle of the same behaviors because I was either trying to change, or mad (because I knew I couldn’t) change yesterday. When doing my steps through Celebrate Recovery Step Program, I was able to let go of resentment. It was painful, sure. But it takes work to get ahead.
Part of the freedom I found when I let go of resentment was I had moments of joy and beauty. I explained to my accountability team that I wanted to find joy. They explained that I was trying to do God’s job when I kept things a secret and would try to alter yesterday’s outcomes today. If I wanted to let go of resentment, I had to let go of yesterday. Not forget about it, but allow my journey to continue by moving on.
Let Go of Resentment by Accepting it is a State of Mind!
What’s an emotion? It’s a feeling. Anger is a feeling, however being angry or jealous are states of mind. Once you accept that your anger is controlling you, do the whatever resentment you want to let go of, you can slowly move toward recovering or being able to let go of resentment towards whatever it is bugging you.
I’ll chime in and relate again. I was angry, can’t find much joy or peace when you are angry. I had no desire to let go of resentment against someone because I was comfortable – not happy – with my circle of chaos. Or so I thought, I was also drinking alcohol like a fish. I was literally stuck!
I found that cutting lose things that made me angry, like finally letting go of things out of my control, I became more and more joyful. I realized my poor state of mind was just that, and that was something I had control of. I wasn’t an angry person by nature, I chose to let myself stay angry!
Forgiveness is a Way to Let Go of Resentment Also!
I know people who hold grudges, even just the mention of someone’s name can send them up the wall! It literally changes their demeanor instantly. Imagine someone cracking up laughing and instantly looking at you with those “if looks could kill” eyes, that’s basically what their grudge gives them. It’s not hurting the other person though. Let go of resentment by practicing forgiveness.
If You Want to Let Go of Resentment You May Have to Look Inside Also..
Forgiving someone who you hold a resentment against does little for them. It frees you from the bondage of anger, maybe regret, and other nasty feelings, emotions, and states of mind we do not want to find our self in. But what about forgiving yourself?
This was actually one of my biggest struggles before I suffered a severe and long term relapse in 2018. It was also a major reason for the relapse. I was always mad and down on myself, but I never offered myself forgiveness for things I couldn’t change! I make mistakes occasionally still, but I resolve them as fast as possible. You should too.
Let Go of Resentment by Embracing Boundaries
These are tough, but not impossible especially if you use our Lasting Change method, to set in current relationships. However, by setting boundaries you increase the possibility of being able to let go of resentment because it has a lower chance to occur!
Setting boundaries are never fun, but they can be healthy protective nets for you. I have had to set some in life, in fact many. It hurts when someone runs into them and tries to get past them, because they have to go afterward. They no longer can have whatever place it was in my life because even if I choose to include them, they have a short leash. We will talk about boundaries on here before you know it.
Being a Life Coach in Massachusetts I have seen a ton of people needing boundary work! It’s almost like we have an epidemic of people with no boundaries. Without getting political, look at how kids learn the world revolves around them at an early age.
Let Go of Resentment by Looking at a Scar?
Yepper pepper pal! You can in fact let go of resentment by looking at your scars. They may be internal scars, but this is where you can use reflection! Reflection is an incredible tool that I will never encourage people to do enough! If you want to let go of resentment, reflection specifically on your scars can help. Maybe not so much how they got there, but realize how the source of those scars helped you to grow!
Let Go of Resentment With One of my Favorites!
A perspective shift could be just what you need to let go of resentment for good (eventually). Mindset, I’ve talked about at home mindset coaching techniques and such a few times and that is because I love the power of our minds! It can want us to stay in bed as we battle depression, or force us to get up because we are done losing and it’s our turn.
That leaves me with a question, can resentment cause depression? I am going to research the living daylights out of that soon. You know what’s funny, a few years ago I would have been mad at myself for not saying of course it can! I operate on researched facts though, that’s my motus operandi or whatever it is called. That also shows my shift in mindset.
Shifting your perspectives or mindset are not easy. It may feel like a battle you can’t win, but if you want to win the battle of letting go of resentment you have to put the work in. Take it day by day, if depression is keeping you in bed fight through that pain to get up because you did countless times before. You are a victorious individual and I am proud of what you’ve accomplished!
Let Go of Resentment By Singing a Song!
Can you really let go of resentment by singing a song? I can tell you there is a powerful song by Beyonce’s old group Destiny’s Child that can spearhead you in your journey to let go of resentment. She’s not along, there are many good songs including a bunch that are regulars in my morning worship list that can help you let go of resentment and they all focus on one thing, survivorship.
If you want to let go of resentment, you CANNOT live like a victim. If you keep feeling like a victim I will tell you now you will not let go of resentment. You won’t, I’ve seen it time and again with many clients. You have beat so many challenges already! I let go of resentment by realizing I am a loved, blessed, and redeemed child of God and He has already won. So for me, I am not a victim, I surely was however now I survive because I fight from victory.
You Have to be Accountable if YOU Want to Let Go of Resentment
I’ll repeat the section title, you have to be accountable if you want to let go of resentment. Accountability is something I personally have as a boundary because for some reason the blame game bothers me. I have done it a ton myself, pushing blame away from me, but I was hiding my part in the mess. My part would not allow me to let go of resentment, because I kept holding onto it even as I passed blame wherever I could.
My alcoholism and recreational drug use was everyone’s fault but my own. Doesn’t make any sense to me either, however it’s true. Or it was. I had to be accountable to myself and others if I wanted to let go of resentment after resentment. My part wouldn’t go away because it needed an owner. It’s not easy, however it is doable.
Let Go of Resentment by Being Grateful
I’m not saying you should say “Lord, I am glad Tommy punched me in the eye and I knocked him out. We both got suspended instead of just him!” However I believe we have a lot of animosity these days because we are not using gratitude, which is a key way to let go of resentment! Sort of weird, after all how can gratitude help to let go of resentment? Let’s take a quick peak.
I was incarcerated, I was an alcoholic, and tons of other negative experiences. I don’t regret (or resent haha it fits here as well!) any of that. In fact, I am grateful for my experiences. I used gratitude to let go of resentment, and I hardly have them anymore. When I do, again, I address them as soon as possible. I focus on the positive in every situation.
Prison was incredibly boring, however it gave me a love for studying the Word of God. In fact, I have it right next to my Chromebook, because I read it at least once a day. Being in God’s presence is my happy place.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to attend Celebrate Recovery and AMAZING program. Turns out alcoholism wasn’t even my biggest issue! In fact that is where I learned I had to let go of resentment and that concept has stuck with me. Although I pretty much have to (I trained myself for that) because that’s when my Monday’s end, at 5:00 when I get ready to head over for a meeting and open share.
I’m grateful for being able to coach 13 people yesterday! It was a long day, however I saw positive results because of my help in 13 people. I saw someone overcome a life long issue and really thrive in the new situation they put themselves in! Gratitude, all of those could be a resentment however gratitude helped me let go of resentment. Coaching was never a resentment I had to let go of, however I did burn out before. I took a break, I adapted, and I had people constantly tell me to come back!
Gratitude is not just good for being able to let go of resentment. It’s a great way to live. You begin to look and notice the positives in life, and there are many of them. There’s either a blessing or a lesson in everything we encounter, and being able to let go of resentment for good is surely a blessing. But it took work.
Do You Want to Let Go of Resentment For Good?
If you want to free yourself from the grips of shame and misery that accompanies resentment, and finally let go of resentment you really need to consider our course literally named Lasting Change. It’s beyond cost effective for what you get out of it. It’s incredibly powerful, and it’s broken down into easy to digest modules. As an added bonus, you can get access and start TODAY!
Because you made it this far, I wanted to extend the offer of getting a free life assessment review. Simply leave a comment and we will shoot it over your way to the email you provide upon leaving a comment! Not bad, you get a $75 gift as well as learned 10 ways to let go of resentment!
This edition of the Guided Steps Blog is all about another ingredient that makes a great toxic relationship, that is resentment in a relationship. The last post we discussed codependent relationships including signs you are in one and the feedback was superb to say the least (we do read our email!) so why not touch base on an underlying factor of a toxic relationship? Let’s talk about resentment which is something discussed far too little outside of the world of addiction recovery, yet it rears its ugly head in more places than you would think.
Want to Start With What Resentment Is (it’s way more than a toxic relationship)?
Resentment is a description toward negative feelings and emotions due to being mistreated. Sometimes the mistreating may not be bad to other people. This is part of the beauty, and craziness, of perception.
There is no “official” cause for resentment because we are people created Imago Dei and not a bunch of robots like the news would have us think (yep, I have a small resentment with the media but it doesn’t control me…. you’ll read about that soon!). In fact there are typically a few different ways resentment can make itself known, and although the root cause can differ it does relate to being wronged or mistreated. That’s not to say unfairness isn’t a part of life because it is. We are going to get disappointed, however that doesn’t necessarily cause a resentful attitude or mindset. It can however lead to a very toxic relationship. In fact, resentment in a relationship was one of the reasons my last one didn’t pan out.
Here’s How We Boil The Toxic Relationship Brew
I suppose a better way would have been to say “here’s what triggers resentment”. But that’s not nearly as visually appear it as you read it, right? The first way resentment can brew (I suppose it does work after all!) is in relationships with people who have to be right all the time. It’s important to note, they may not be right all the time. Have you ever talked to a kid who knew something and was completely wrong? How did it go when you tried to correct them? They probably fought back right?
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who thought they were always right. You have the makings of a toxic relationship if they let it get to them! It may come out, it may not. That sounds sort of vague but it is entirely up to the individual who harbors the resentment. I’ve found that it normally comes out in what could be a catastrophic blowup.
What about when you speak and people seem to not listen? Not being heard is a common trigger for resentment. I have heard about that in the halls for a while now. In fact, I had a resentment due in part to that.
Being taken advantage of in a friendship or romantic relationship can cause a toxic relationship to start forming. Imagine being nice and helping whenever you were called on. You may have did it because of a codependent tendency or you may have done it out of love because you could. Now imagine how easily resentment in a relationship can build up if when you called the same person or people they didn’t pull through for whatever reason. You’d probably be upset with them, right?
What’s another way resentment can be triggered in a relationship? Ah yes, unrealistic expectations of others. When we were growing up we had vivid imaginations, we would hear something without seeing it and draw a picture in our head of what it should look like. This can help cause a toxic relationship. Why? Well from experience, people aren’t who we think they are.
People can be stellar at something, but we expect more. I expected honesty in my relationships because I was honest. Unfortunately, I was wrong (shocking I know!) But I had set up unfair and unrealistic expectations for them. How they should act around and not around me, honesty, etc. I helped to create resentment in the relationship because I was brewing a toxic relationship without knowing it! The end result was not good, we no longer even have a friendship and they were really a great person. I’m sure you’ve set unrealistic expectations in a relationship and have been aggravated when they didn’t come to fruition, right?
I’m leaving out what is most common until the end. What do you think it is? You’ll read shortly, but first lets give another cause for a toxic relationship. Tardiness, or always being late can help people you interact with harbor resentments. You may not realize it, but people often feel like their time is not meaningful to you if you always keep them waiting. It doesn’t necessarily just deal with going out, it can be as simple as being with other friends too long or chatting with a coworker too long and forcing someone to wait. I don’t wear a watch, but one way for me to let someone know I’m getting aggravated is by looking at my wrist where a watch should be. I’m a very punctual person as a sign of respect.
The last common trigger for a resentment in what could be a toxic relationship is humor. Being put down to be exact. What makes it even worse is when you are the brunt of the joke! Yeah, that will make someone harbor a resentment! Have you ever saw those married couples where they joke about their spouse? Or the group of friends that always have that one friend they pick on? It could be all well and fun, but the person being picked on may not think so.
So You Caused A Toxic Relationship Over “Encouraging” Resentments How Can You Fix It?
The easiest thing to put down here is to say you’re sorry. However resentments are “cured” that easily. You could try and make it up to someone if it was a one time thing. You could publicly admit your wrong and embarrass yourself. Words are empty and one time actions don’t equate to someone dropping a resentment.
So how do you remedy a toxic relationship that’s harboring resentments? With changed behavior! It’s literally that simple, both from knowledge and experience. An easy way to do this is with our course on creating Lasting Change which is getting rave reviews so far! Give it a shot and put in the work, you can start today! Grab your copy of Lasting Change here.
In layman’s terms, a codependent relationship is a crappy relationship that will leave you feeling nervous, empty, and not happy. Another way to describe this type of red flag relationship is that it typically contains a giver and a taker. They can start very subtly and grow into a beast that can be tough to see, but there are ways out! So how do we figure out if we are in one? We have a list below with 10 “symptoms”. And also a quiz that can be taken here.
In a Codependent Relationship You Don’t Matter!
To everyone else you may, but to you they come before first. Way before you. In fact if you are the giver, you probably can’t afford to offer yourself self care (say that 10 times fast). It is extremely common to feel good when the taker is happy, it is also common for you to feel extremely guilty when you find yourself enjoying yourself. What is really scary about this symptom of a codependent relationship is that eventually you begin trying to pour from an empty cup.
It’s An Extremely One Sided Relationship. A One Sided Codependent Relationship
I sort of hinted in the opening paragraph about this one. It’s possible to have two codependent people in a relationship, however a giver and taker are more common. This symptoms has one person being a harder worker, picking up the slack for someone without necessarily realizing it. For example, the giver works all day and comes home and does whatever they asked the taker to do. There may be resentment, but typically nothing is said.
“I have to Save Them… From Themselves!”
This is where the giver acts more like a caregiver than a friend or significant other. What are you saving them from? It could be their addiction, it could be their anger also, do they “not do things” right in your eyes and you have to help them? You can feel like you want their “issues” to be solved more than anyone, including themselves! At the end of the day it is entirely up to them to create a lasting change. That includes all of their flaws, addictions, and whatever else is wrong for them. If you’re the sole care taker for them and they keep making the same mistakes you my friend are in a codependent relationship.
You’re The Potter, They’re The Clay
This sign of a codependent relationship is extremely unhealthy. If you were someone else looking at it, you would probably even say “they don’t even really love them because they are trying to change them!” This is where the idea of the potter and the clay come in. You have them in this heap and you are constantly trying to adjust and decorate them so they become more of your dream person.
Take It Easy? Get Out of Here With That Evil Talk!
Similar, all of these traits are if you think about it, to another symptom of a codependent relationship this focuses on your selfishness. Do you feel off when you’re taking care of them? Asked in another way, when you’re by yourself with your feet in grass at a park or in a stream do you feel selfish for not doing something for them? Doing what? Well you should be doing something for them instead of taking care of yourself, right?
“Feeling excessive guilt for doing anything for yourself is another major characteristic,”
Dr. Derrig
How Do You Feel About Your Relationship? Well That’s a Tricky Question…
Do you find it tough to realize what is tough and what is glorious in your relationship? Is it a relationship where you have mixed feelings or emotions about, well all of it? Reflection is a beautiful and powerful tool we can use in life, and we thoroughly encourage it when we are engaged in mindset coaching. When you’re in a codependent relationship you find yourself more worried about their feelings than yours. The next one is a huge sign. Look at it after this picture break.
She is probably the most codependent “person” I know. She’s a sweetheart though.
Where Are They? I’m About to Freak Out!
One of the most common signs of a codependent relationship is feeling sick, worried, nervous, or that the world is going to fall apart if you haven’t heard from them. Have they read your message is a thought you wonder constantly, are they okay?! They must be doing something wrong or they could be in trouble. Quickly to the Stress Mobile to go and rescue them! Is that how it goes in your head? This is a symptom that you are in a codependent relationship. “Why am I like this?!” Well, it’s become you have probably become dependent on them, hence the term codependent relationship.
There’s Nobody Here!
Another sign you have entered or helped to create a codependent relationship is that you have trouble being alone. This can be either from the taker of the relationship or the fact you literally can’t care (read it as self care) for yourself. This is extremely common and a potential root cause has been from over-involved or under-involved parents when you were a little drool tot yourself. When you’re alone, you can’t put your focus into someone else and that bothers you.
I Can’t Make It Fred Has 5 Minutes Off in 5 Hours so I have to Be Available
If you are routinely cancelling plans because you need to spend time with your partner or whoever is the taker you are in a what? A codependent relationship, great guess! You may cancel plans with your family or other things, even attending a concert you were really looking forward to! Again, this is another red flag relationship symptom.
Your Home Isn’t Your Home
Did you ever redecorate something to make it more like home, for someone else? There is nothing wrong at all with making someone feel comfortable in your house, the difficulty comes when you make it all theirs. Here’s a tip if you get really down the second they leave, reorganize a small itty bitty section so that it feels more like “yours” when they aren’t there.
“I Hate to Bug You But… Nevermind, I’m Sorry”
Hate speaking up and voicing your opinion to them? You don’t feel like you are intimidated by them, but you need them happy and speaking up, well you may hear something you do not want to. Did I nail this one in your relationship? If so, let’s talk. This one hits home and even until somewhat recently maybe a year ago I was personally stuck here. I’m not anymore and that makes me feel tremendously free. In this symptom/sign of a codependent relationship you’re literally pushing your feelings aside and not giving them a chance to be validated. Guess what…. YOU have valid feelings!
The Big One…. B-B-B-Boundaries.. YIKES!
You finally get the guts and smallest sense of self worth to speak up and place boundaries, but they spiral out of control! The taker loses their crap, right? Setting up boundaries is going to be different and potentially scary for anyone involved. It’s different, right? It’s uncomfortable and they may feel like you are almost taking away from them! Welcome to the pain of a codependent relationship.
How Can We (Maybe) Save a Codependent Relationship?
I am really strict (read also being adamant) about my boundaries being respected, but in the beginning it was tough. When I took a step back and saw the pains and hell of a codependent relationship, I became aware that the negatives outweighed the positives. Most of the list I can easily relate to. I took some time for myself and I started to flourish. We had a very good patch after, but my biggest change was realizing I didn’t need her. I wanted her. I needed God first and foremost! I mean, He did save me from severe alcoholism.. Anywho there’s my mini testimonial. If the relationship was to be saved, how would we do it? Let’s look at the condensed list below, or you can jump into the Lasting Change Course we created! People are loving it and there’s amazing discounts that go along with it! Grab it right here, you won’t regret it!
Can it be Saved? Here’s The List!
Get UNBIASED (incredibly important) OUTSIDE perspective and CONSIDER that insight
Work on it together, do all parties want a healthy relationship? Get to working on it!
How is your value system doing these days? MAKE time to reflect – this is healthy and something we NEED to do in life! No guilt about it either.
Look at your earliest relationships, has this been a common trend?
Agree on the healthy boundaries! (Coach Jay is a beast at this when used as a “referee”), set them, and work on them! Do not expect perfection overnight
Be dedicated to the process of healing your codependent relationship.
Allow the giver to take. If the taker is reading this, be comfortable giving a little.
We all have feelings, EXPRESS THEM and when you get them toward you, ask for explanation when you are not sure!
Realize you are in a codependent relationship and you want it fixed!
Should I Leave?
If it is obscenely abusive emotionally or mentally, yes. If it’s physical GET OUT OF THERE! Those are literally the signs.
I Am In A Codependent Relationship, What do I do Now?!
There are a few things you can do. Get cracking on the “Can I Save it List”. Grab a consultation with us, explain the situation and we will help you work out a plan to get it done. If it’s safe (important consideration) for your physical safety, sign up for our Relationship Coaching and we will get through this together! Realize this is a process and there has to be change and take advantage of our course at it’s low price that you can use again and again and again! Grab the Guided Steps Lasting Change Course Here.
Realize This…
You matter, you have feelings, you have opinions, you have ideas. You have this ONE life and it is not too late to start turning it around NOW. The power is in your hands to change. Start believing in yourself because I sure believe in you. It’s time to stop the codependent relationship and enjoy a fruit bearing, mutually beneficial, and exciting relationship!
*note – If you click the book, and we would appreciate it, we may get compensation if you purchase it. We suggest this book being in your library especially if you struggle with codependent relationships as you can surely see the course of the giver and receiver.
