Tag: mindset coaching techniques

Categories
Mindset Coaching Relationship Coaching

11 Ways on How to Handle Resentment Against Someone Starting Now!

Resentments are no fun at all. In our last post we looked at what could be triggers for resentment. Without having too long of a post, I decided we could just do a Part 2 if you would. This post is all about how to handle resentment against someone, probably the first of many. You could also say it’s how to handle resentment, but we need a target. Not for practice, but how to overcome that resentment because at the end of the day, all it is going to do is wear you down. Who needs more stress in their day? I’d say nobody, let’s look at the ways on how to handle resent against someone.

How to handle resentment against someone? Start With Acceptance!

how to handle resentment against someone

Nobody wants to accept the fact they harbor ill feelings against someone, however this is the number one place if you want to work on how to handle resentment against someone. You’re going to have to practice acceptance of how you feel. Your emotions are valid. This isn’t good for just handling a resentment, but negative emotions toward another person in general.

What happens when we allow ourselves to accept and feel our emotions? It’s the beginning of a freedom feeling. Trust me, I’ve been there and you have to “feel it to believe it!” One common mistake people make when trying to accept their feelings is they bottle them up. This isn’t just counter productive, it can be dangerous for your mental health! Have you ever seen an individual simply “lose it” for no reason, or maybe because their was a spec of food left over on a plate? Not allowing yourself to feel your feelings is not a good place to be in. It’s added stress which is not good and works against how to handle resentment against someone!

Think of a backpack that is stuffed beyond what it is capable of holding, or a volcano with an incredible amount of gasses and whatever else they have inside them. What is going to happen if more gasses build up or we try and stretch the backpack a bit more? There’s a tremendously higher chance it will blow up, right?

emotional freedom how to handle resentment against someone

Sticking with acceptance regarding how to handle resentment against someone, you may want to take a review on our article on self talk. The reason I suggest that is because you are going to need to remember to be kind to yourself. This is especially true if you’ve been “packing the backpack” for a while. You’re going to have all sort of emotions and thoughts come up! Imagine clearing out the drain for the kitchen sink in a house that’s poured a gallon of grease down it a day. It will probably take a while to get it all out and some of it may come up out of the blue. That’s okay! When working on how to handle a resentment against someone, your drain may occasionally keep burping stuff up. Don’t push it back down, get rid of it. You need to be your own best friend here.

Don’t rush to judgement against yourself either! This goes back to mindset coaching techniques where we practice nice, pleasant, uplifting self talk. This is especially true if you are hard on yourself by nature! You may want to say “I worked on how to handle resentment against someone and look, a week later I am still dealing with it!” It’s not fair to judge yourself including how you feel. Again, your feelings are valid.

In “Conquer Fear” I wrote about the Serenity Prayer. If Christianity isn’t your thing, I apologize. For me, it works tremendously and is a part of almost everything I do. This next part of this article will speak specifically on that, a Christian viewpoint. Why is knowing how to handle resentment against someone important for a Christian? Because it’s sin… and we are called to not sin, right? Look at this verse and think about it:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24

One of the most profound things I learned while working toward my Master’s degree was that God is the Great Counselor. He’s more than a few pay grades above me, and I am not ashamed to say that I have had countless sessions with Him. When I am surrendering my recovery and sobriety to Him daily, if there’s something there He gives a reminder. It’s almost like He is saying “Hey Jay, thanks for trying to glorify me! BUT, you sort of need to go over these feelings against someone first.” God knows a thing or two about how to handle resentment against someone.

We are humans who follow Christ. We are going to run into roadblocks and could stumble. But working on your relationship with Him and expressing your feelings to Him is freeing. Very freeing. It’s also freeing to discuss them with a close friend. Maybe we can’t, nor should we, immediately go directly to the source of our hurt. Processing our feelings is where we need to start. There’s wisdom in counsel, that’s discussed in the Word also!

Categories
Relationship Coaching

Ingredients to a Toxic Relationship: Resentment in a Relationship And The 1 Surefire Way To Fix It.

toxic relationship resentment in a relationship red flag relationship

This edition of the Guided Steps Blog is all about another ingredient that makes a great toxic relationship, that is resentment in a relationship. The last post we discussed codependent relationships including signs you are in one and the feedback was superb to say the least (we do read our email!) so why not touch base on an underlying factor of a toxic relationship? Let’s talk about resentment which is something discussed far too little outside of the world of addiction recovery, yet it rears its ugly head in more places than you would think.

Want to Start With What Resentment Is (it’s way more than a toxic relationship)?

Resentment is a description toward negative feelings and emotions due to being mistreated. Sometimes the mistreating may not be bad to other people. This is part of the beauty, and craziness, of perception.

There is no “official” cause for resentment because we are people created Imago Dei and not a bunch of robots like the news would have us think (yep, I have a small resentment with the media but it doesn’t control me…. you’ll read about that soon!). In fact there are typically a few different ways resentment can make itself known, and although the root cause can differ it does relate to being wronged or mistreated. That’s not to say unfairness isn’t a part of life because it is. We are going to get disappointed, however that doesn’t necessarily cause a resentful attitude or mindset. It can however lead to a very toxic relationship. In fact, resentment in a relationship was one of the reasons my last one didn’t pan out.

Here’s How We Boil The Toxic Relationship Brew

I suppose a better way would have been to say “here’s what triggers resentment”. But that’s not nearly as visually appear it as you read it, right? The first way resentment can brew (I suppose it does work after all!) is in relationships with people who have to be right all the time. It’s important to note, they may not be right all the time. Have you ever talked to a kid who knew something and was completely wrong? How did it go when you tried to correct them? They probably fought back right?

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who thought they were always right. You have the makings of a toxic relationship if they let it get to them! It may come out, it may not. That sounds sort of vague but it is entirely up to the individual who harbors the resentment. I’ve found that it normally comes out in what could be a catastrophic blowup.

What about when you speak and people seem to not listen? Not being heard is a common trigger for resentment. I have heard about that in the halls for a while now. In fact, I had a resentment due in part to that.

Being taken advantage of in a friendship or romantic relationship can cause a toxic relationship to start forming. Imagine being nice and helping whenever you were called on. You may have did it because of a codependent tendency or you may have done it out of love because you could. Now imagine how easily resentment in a relationship can build up if when you called the same person or people they didn’t pull through for whatever reason. You’d probably be upset with them, right?

red flag in a toxic relationship because of resentment in the relationship

What’s another way resentment can be triggered in a relationship? Ah yes, unrealistic expectations of others. When we were growing up we had vivid imaginations, we would hear something without seeing it and draw a picture in our head of what it should look like. This can help cause a toxic relationship. Why? Well from experience, people aren’t who we think they are.

People can be stellar at something, but we expect more. I expected honesty in my relationships because I was honest. Unfortunately, I was wrong (shocking I know!) But I had set up unfair and unrealistic expectations for them. How they should act around and not around me, honesty, etc. I helped to create resentment in the relationship because I was brewing a toxic relationship without knowing it! The end result was not good, we no longer even have a friendship and they were really a great person. I’m sure you’ve set unrealistic expectations in a relationship and have been aggravated when they didn’t come to fruition, right?

I’m leaving out what is most common until the end. What do you think it is? You’ll read shortly, but first lets give another cause for a toxic relationship. Tardiness, or always being late can help people you interact with harbor resentments. You may not realize it, but people often feel like their time is not meaningful to you if you always keep them waiting. It doesn’t necessarily just deal with going out, it can be as simple as being with other friends too long or chatting with a coworker too long and forcing someone to wait. I don’t wear a watch, but one way for me to let someone know I’m getting aggravated is by looking at my wrist where a watch should be. I’m a very punctual person as a sign of respect.

The last common trigger for a resentment in what could be a toxic relationship is humor. Being put down to be exact. What makes it even worse is when you are the brunt of the joke! Yeah, that will make someone harbor a resentment! Have you ever saw those married couples where they joke about their spouse? Or the group of friends that always have that one friend they pick on? It could be all well and fun, but the person being picked on may not think so.

So You Caused A Toxic Relationship Over “Encouraging”
Resentments How Can You Fix It?

The easiest thing to put down here is to say you’re sorry. However resentments are “cured” that easily. You could try and make it up to someone if it was a one time thing. You could publicly admit your wrong and embarrass yourself. Words are empty and one time actions don’t equate to someone dropping a resentment.

So how do you remedy a toxic relationship that’s harboring resentments? With changed behavior! It’s literally that simple, both from knowledge and experience. An easy way to do this is with our course on creating Lasting Change which is getting rave reviews so far! Give it a shot and put in the work, you can start today! Grab your copy of Lasting Change here.

Categories
Mindset Coaching

2 Anxiety Relief Tips: Guided Imagery and Deep Breathing

anxiety relief tips guided imagery deep breathing diaphragmatic breathing stress relief reduce anxiety

Anxiety relief is not talked about nearly as much as it should be. I’ll start by saying anyone can do this! But if you can barely make it out the door without freaking out, you need a therapist and that’s okay. Therapy has this stigma about it that you’re a nut job if you go, that’s not the case. Some people have issues that need monitored care, we are all people and handle things differently! I’m also going to quickly plug our new course which people are LOVING called Lasting Change – no anxiety with that course!

This post was inspired by an absolutely gorgeous woman inside and out, she really should be considered for sainthood when she kicks, and she got me thinking about anxiety relief. Then it hit me that most of my friends and loved ones have some issue with anxiety! I mean, I’m anxious to see if people will wisen up in two years when it’s election time, but no politics. So without further delay let’s check out how guided imagery and deep breathing can help with anxiety relief and I bet you’ll agree they are some pretty dandy anxiety relief tips!

What is Deep Breathing and Does it Really Help With Anxiety Relief?

What does deep breathing sound like it is? It’s exactly that, and I have been practicing it for over a decade now. Deep breathing is also known as intentional breathing “deep”ending (see what I did there?) on who you speak with, their vernacular, as well as their level of geekiness. I’m a moderate geek so I go with deep breathing, also some people who rank very high up on the geek scale will call it diaphragmatic breathing. It’s something you can do literally anywhere, however one thing to watch out for is dizziness! I tried this once in traffic and felt extremely odd, but that passes.

What we are doing with deep breathing is we are inhaling through our nose slowly, holding it in our now full lungs, and breathing out slowly. Sit in a comfortable chair and do this, or lay down. I have an easier time falling asleep when I do this laying down. Not only is this great to do for relieving stress and anxiety, it has the possibility of having some physical benefits too. Some worth noting are potentially stabilizing blood pressure and slowing down your heart rate. Pretty nifty right?

Guided Imagery is What Exactly, and How Do Mental Pictures Help With Anxiety Relief?

This is a really cool exercise to do and trust me, it helps – big time! In fact I know people who could be having a meltdown, take a fast break by jumping into some guided imagery and come back on fire. Not literally because then I wouldn’t explain it to you. This takes your entire imagination and can eventually have you using all five senses at once. I will listen to Gregorian chants or something like that when doing this, but you can really do it anywhere with any type of music although I would recommend a soothing violin playing versus Janis Joplin.

Isn’t This Against Christianity?

It absolutely is not, I picture myself in Christs presence all the time when I am doing this. Occasionally I will picture myself preaching to someone. I go to my happy place mentally when I do this. You can get in trouble if you have naughty thoughts going through your mind, but that’s between you and God. For me focusing on God is the best form of anxiety relief around.

anxiety relief tips guided imagery deep breathing diaphragmatic breathing stress relief reduce anxiety

Guided Imagery and Deep Breathing in Action Providing You With Anxiety Relief

Going back to the woman who inspired this post she likes beautiful things.So here’s what we will do, imagine there’s a harp playing softly. There’s a window open to rolling green field with mountains in the back drop. You are near an open window. In the window are freshly cut lilacs filling the room with their scent. As you deeply breath in, you smell them. Breath a little deeper and hold their aroma in your lungs. Slowly breathing out. As you’re breathing out, the anxiety is fighting to stay. But it’s having trouble staying as it is trapped in each breath you hold in. As you slowly exhale the Holy Spirit guides your anxiety out, more each time you exhale. As you watch out the window you see a bird land on your window sill. It takes a peaceful poo and flies away. With each gentle breeze you feel the warmth of the sun hitting your face as the smell of the lilacs become stronger. As you feel relaxed, you tell yourself that everything is okay and you will go share this post now.

Categories
Mindset Coaching

Mindset Coaching Technique: How Self Talk Can Kill Your Progress and 5 Ways to Change It

self mindset coaching technique ruth bell graham epitaph tombstone life coaching and using positive self talk

Mindset Coaching Technique You Drop The Ball On!

Do you know there’s someone you are around literally all day that can either be a foe or an ally, often not on purpose? That’s you! Self talk is a mindset technique that many people use by nature. From the conversations I’ve heard people having with themselves, it seems they are almost trying to set themselves up to fail! When it comes to mindset coaching techniques you can do at home, there’s one that could be obvious to work on but it normally isn’t. Positive self talk!

Do These Examples Fit You?

  • As soon as you open your eyes, you say you’re going to have a bad day
  • You sin without even thinking about it and you shame shame yourself perpetually
  • You always pick the losers, you’re either going to be single forever or end up miserable
  • Can you try not to screw this up again?
  • You really can’t do anything right can you?
  • You’ve really just wasted your life and can’t do anything with the rest of it.
  • You’re such an idiot.
  • Don’t talk, your probably going to embarrass yourself as usual!
  • You should have led that person to Christ, why didn’t you say anything you failure?
  • What a dumby, you really thought you could handle one drink??!! Years later, look at you, you’re a wreck!
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, I’m going to be a loser forever.

Imagine hearing things like what’s above or similar to it. Day in and day out. Week after week and month after month. Doesn’t it make sense you may actually believe it? Many people get snared by using poor self talk; when in all actuality you could be using an incredible mindset coaching technique, or more which you will find below! These are a few of the mindset coaching techniques we use ourselves to help change your way of thinking and seeing yourself.

If you’re saying negative ideas or statements first thing in the morning, you probably will have a rough time having a good day. Think about that idea, doesn’t it make sense? There’s a great saying I use all the time, it’s “garbage in, garbage out.” I find a lot of self talk among people involved in our Christian coaching, especially when it comes to leading people to Christ. We only have to plant the seed, He handles the rest.

Construction Has Been Complete

There’s a pastor family that has famously been known as THE evangelists in North America. Their life seemed perfect, and in many areas most would give anything for the life they had! Ruth Bell Graham has a tombstone that reads something that I want you to really sit back and think about. This is one of my favorite mindset coaching techniques do to the potential power it can have on your life. Although morbid when you think about it, it shows many different takeaways. Even those others consider to be greatly successful, realize there is always something to work on until the end.

End of Construction

Thank you for your patience

Tombstone of Ruth Bell Graham

Even as I write this post, I paused and reflected in it. I’m unsure of who is reading this, but regardless of where you are in your life stop for a second. I believe in you! I truly do, we all have the same ability to do better, to do the next right thing! We all have the ability to get out of our funks we encounter in life. We are human and make mistakes, however we have the ability to accept that mistake as a learning occurrence or can create a habit of it.

Look at the end of that paragraph, I mentioned we can create a habit. We can also work on changing that habit. Going back to the list above, there are a few examples where failure is assumed or ridiculed. I’m not sure who said it, but it resonates and I’d like you to take a peak at it before we move on.

Winners are losers who tried one more time”

Unknown, but powerful

That quote and the last part of the epitaph of Mrs. Bell Graham’s tombstone can be used together. Maybe not so much as a mindset coaching technique, but to build your character a bit. After you’ve been used to a habit for a while it becomes second nature. Be it stress eating or shooting heroin, taking a shot the second you walk in the door or being judgmental before knowing someone ingrained habits take time. You can work toward being your best, but you need to realize a habit of 3 months is easier, although still trying, to change than a habit of 20 years. It’s very possible to change though, people do it all the time, so why not you!? Let’s get more into self talk as I went down a rabbit hole, although it didn’t last as long as normal!

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #1 – Stick Up For Yourself!

Have you ever been around someone where they are going off on the failures of someone and want to say “give them a break man!” How often would someone say that to you if they saw you downgrading yourself? Think about that for a minute? If you’re willing to, or even just want to, stick up for someone else in that situation why can’t you do it for yourself? I’ve heard more than a handful of times “because I don’t deserve it.” When coaching and guiding them to explain why, the answer usually has to do with something from the past. In my role, the past is yesterday and it’s not my job to make a better yesterday. That’s actually my favorite saying, I got it form a wise man John Pelligrini who probably got it from someone else but I heard it from him first.

You can’t make a better yesterday

John Pelligrini

I took the saying and added on that you can live a better tomorrow. “You can’t make a better yesterday, but you can make a great tomorrow by living your best today.” And change is tough, but not impossible. “Yes it is.” SHUSH! You’re only making it tougher on yourself, so if you can’t tell yourself to ease up I’ll do it for you. Ease up man, cut yourself a break! Practice this mindset coaching technique, when you catch yourself down talking yourself stand up for yourself.

self mindset coaching technique

Self Mindset Coach Technique #2 – Kill Your Critic With Kindness

Would you tell a 3 or 4 year old to suck it up and they messed up? No way, you’d probably congratulate them for trying, say we all make mistakes, you did great and so on right? You need to take that same exact mindset and use it on yourself. Don’t tell your inner critic to just shut up, you’re be aggressive against your inner voice if you do! Like above, hearing something over and over again creates a habit or acceptance. So how do you hush your inner critic, your inner self critic? You use this mindset coaching technique!

Take the old adage, kill them with kindness, and talk to your inner voice as a child. Normally children may be scared when trying to do something new. They’re intimidated by their perceived lack of ability. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to fail off the bat, again would you tell a young child that? Even if it’s not so rudely thought don’t even go with “you’re probably not going to do well.” There’s a chance that you won’t do well and may slip, it’s common sense if you think about it. Instead, quiet your self critic down with something like “I’m going to try, and see how I do. I’ll try it again and do better if I don’t do that well!”

Kids have tantrums, and a calming voice works better at calming them than yelling, right? Kill your inner critic with kindness!

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #3 – Find Proof of the (Un)Truth!

The voice your mind can create through constant self talk can be rough. Myself for example I know I have multiple degrees, certificates, years of experience and vast amounts of life experience. So if I made a mistake on something years ago I had a voice that would ask “why are you so stupid!?” Or even during reflection and realizing I was getting up there in years “You really shouldn’t try to change, you’re past your prime.”

Although I would say those, and similar, things to myself they were inherently wrong! Now I’ll ask myself if I really just said that to myself. Actually, about a year ago I cracked myself up. I walked past a window and saw a distorted reflection of myself and said “oh man you’re fat!” I immediately countered, unfortunately in public and out loud, “At least I’m not ugly, I can drop this weight if I stop eating yogurt covered pretzels in bed.” I remember the clerk told me, there’s nothing wrong with yogurt covered pretzels.

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #4 – Destress!

This mind like anything else can act up when we are under stress. This is a self done mindset coaching technique, but also a part of self care. If you put too much stress on your leg for example, there’s a chance it could fracture right? Your mind is no different under stress. Although it may not outright fracture, you will surely not feel the most positive effects it is capable of. If you find you’re stressing, realize the source and work on it if you can’t outright eliminate it! There are tons of ways to do this:

  • Pray
  • Journal – which is good to do anyway!
  • Instead of stress eating, read a book
  • Write a foolish story -one of my favorite activities.
  • LAUGH!
  • Go for a bike ride
  • Close your eyes and take in nature’s self talk – birds chirping, waves crashing, the wind blowing, or rain falling for example.

Get use to practicing this mindset coaching technique regularly, and realize the peace that will come over you. Although this has little to do with bad self talk, that negative self talk will find an easier time creeping up if you are stressed.

Self Mindset Coaching Technique #5 – Stop Being a Jerk To Yourself and Show Some Appreciation!

This can be a tougher mindset coaching technique to master, again through use of hearing yourself. However, many I have met who self sabotage have trauma that was inflicted. Sometimes the lack of self appreciation is brought on by a toxic relationship. Whatever the reason, it is tough to practice self love. That’s understandable, however you can’t let it continue to beat yourself.

I forget who said it, but it was well put that you are in a relationship with yourself for your entire life. The beauty of relationships is that they can get better! You need to work on any relationship you are in, right? Working on the your own is no different. Do you want to be in a miserable relationship, just because you’re used to it? I was, and I have to tell you aside from being able to relate that my new relationship with myself is AMAZING.

Speaking to my fellow Christians, do you know I believe it is a sin to not love who you are? I bet you didn’t know that because many of you have never had the joy of being around me and my loud personality. I don’t do public speaking typically either, but I’m always game for a cup of coffee and bottle of water (I haven’t had coffee in years). I digress. The Bible makes it abundantly clear we are special to God. We are redeemed because of the shed blood of Christ! Maybe part of doing His work for you is to love yourself, appreciate yourself.

So let’s wrap it up, we have 5 different ways you can practice self mindset coaching techniques. Maybe you need an extra hand, and that’s fine we are here for you! Which of the self mindset coaching techniques above do you think you can work on? Which self mindset coaching technique do you feel will be the most difficult? Share your thoughts!