Tag: how to handle resentment

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Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

5 Reasons We Need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

Why Do We Need Healthy Boundaries?

In our introductory article about of the Boundaries Book segment which you can read here, we discussed the need for healthy boundaries. What’s interesting about this topic is that healthy boundaries in a relationship are deeper than simply referring to intimate relationships! Just like healthy relationships such as in your love life are important, equally as are professional boundaries important!

In the intro article for the Boundaries Book, I mentioned a healthy boundary for my dog was basically the back yard. It keeps her contained and safe from dogs that would most likely eat her alive, as well as preventing her from running into the street. Healthy boundaries are incredibly important for people recovering from addiction.

Healthy Boundaries From a World View

We can look at, without getting political because this isn’t the place for it if you leave a comment, healthy boundaries from a world view. Look at almost any country in the Middle East, Afghanistan would probably be a good example compared to the United States and we can see the benefits of healthy boundaries in a relationship with a bigger picture.

healthy personal boundaries

Although Afghanistan is a country, I wouldn’t dream of calling it a sovereign nation. There are war lords that run rampant and they have extremely porous borders. Although the citizens are typically nice from what I have heard, a lot of people (terrorists) who want to do harm across the globe like the area – because their boundaries are almost non existent. I’m assuming they have some form of boundaries but I have never, nor will I ever, been there.

Although the borders are more porous than they have been in recent times, the United States is an example of a sovereign nation with mostly secured borders. Shortly after the 2001 attacks by terrorists there was another individual who tried to enter the country through I believe it was Vancouver up in Canada. They had bombs or bomb making material and were trying to enter the United States. Their attempt failed. Along with Homeland Security, our borders also helped to thwart their attack.

So if we look at the healthy versus unhealthy borders, we can actually see how we can relate healthy boundaries to them and their effects. With healthy boundaries, we have more of a sense of self. Some people call it their inner peace commonly and we can see how protecting that peace is important. If the terrorists were to attack a city, picture your heart as the city, it would cause harm. Your emotional well being is their cities. The attacks would damage your sense of self. With the stronger borders, the healthy boundaries, although an attack could still occur it would be tougher.

Knowing who you are and what you need to protect is where you start. Healthy boundaries in a relationship can, and should, secure your past experiences. For years I had issues getting close to people, because of an early trauma where my “Grammy” died. If they were late, “missing in action”, or had lied I would snap and act completely inappropriately. This looked like severe physical attacks on males or purposely seeking out someone to have sexual relationships with that wasn’t my partner simply to get back at them. Nobody is perfect, myself included, however I also did not have healthy boundaries!

Healthy Boundaries Allow YOU to Decide How You Want to be Treated

healthy boundaries in recovery

There realistically is not much I could have done when I acted that way, because I had no idea why I did until I began opening up very slowly to people I was intimate with. I took loss of life hard, which being a former gang member was tough because it is expected that we would end up in a jail cell or coffin. I had to really get to know myself and face what bothered me so severely. One day I found out when it just clicked and a therapist told me where my temper came from. That was followed by a desk being thrown at him for even bringing it up. He was right!

Healthy boundaries, as I mentioned above, come from our experience as a human. Even after we resolve traumatic issues, these healthy boundaries act as a force field where we get a say in how we are treated. Healthy boundaries would have been an expectation of other people. No matter how bad something could be, tell me the truth is something I should have said. If you’re not going to be on time regardless of why, or if you needed space I should have told them to let me know.

For you, a healthy boundary can look like nearly anything – because I don’t know you yet. However, when you establish healthy boundaries it is extremely important to ensure they do not get crossed. When I established my healthy boundaries with people, I unfairly gave them a one and done chance – even if they had no clue what the newly formed healthy boundary was.

When you set your healthy boundaries, and if you want to change how you feel due to actions by others essentially, you need to set rules. If someone constantly keeps crossing your boundary, even if they are just skirting around the edge, you have to put a stop to it. If you don’t like them talking with a new girl, assuming you are in an intimate relationship with them, and they continue to do so they are in essence dictating to you how you will be treated. You don’t deserve that and it takes away from your person- hood.

You Live Life MORE On Your Terms With Healthy Boundaries

Again no politics, our country and inside its borders is known as a source of freedom. Many people rush to America because we are safe, provide generally a better quality of life, and also offer a better chance of “success” in a general sense of the word which equates to education as well as prosperity. Healthy boundaries for you can provide similar benefits!

Have you ever been egged into something that you wasted time on for ages? For me I have had my share of things I have gotten into against better judgement, or desire. I’m willing to bet you can relate. Have you, as a parent, ever allowed your children to hang around with someone or a group you were sketchy towards only to be proven right? But your child wanted it, and you wanted them happy. You can’t make a better yesterday, however you can learn from it with healthy boundaries and begin to create a much better tomorrow.

There was a group I was always hanging out with, to me they were my friends, and my mother had no issue with me going out with them. Or so I thought, I was told that she and my sister both had an issue with a few people in particular. Against her better judgement, she allowed me to hang out with my best friends both before I was 18 and after because she felt she didn’t have a say. Honestly, until I was about 25 I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

One of those “friends” was a high ranking gang member alongside me and I had a lot of respect for him. We both adhered to the code of the streets – death before dishonor, and no “snitching”. After we were stopped in a park around 11 PM we were taken out of the vehicle and a large amount of narcotics and weapons were seized. I didn’t have to tell the police it was his, they already knew! However, he had no issue pointing blame at me.

I will put zero blame on my mother, however healthy boundaries could have looked like “if you go with him, you’re not coming home.” She could have followed that up with a “and this is why.” We can not make a better yesterday. When I speak with my parents rarely about my past, they do wish they had enforced healthy boundaries and reached out to more people.

The other friendship resulted in a raid on our house looking for multiple firearms. My parents had to pay the price for my actions, not with DCF or their own arrests (the police didn’t bother to look in the yard) but regret for not placing healthy boundaries around me, and themselves. Another acquaintance stole from my dad’s wallet (he later paid back what he stole and much more physically and financially) while he was asleep. They hated that individual in particular.

Healthy boundaries can look like much more, that can actually deal directly to your joy or contentedness with life, as well as stress. Do you feel bad telling people at work “no”? Are you stuck at a job because you feel bad for other people? That is extremely admirable, however you’re far likely to start pouring from an empty cup and most likely will end with resentments. I

healthy professional boundaries

In life, people are always going to rely on us. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to help when we are able without causing ourselves stress, resentments, and other negative emotions. Your setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are where you will start to take back some of your freedom.

Healthy boundaries allow us to say no far easier and without guilt or shame. We may be led to feel guilty or shameful and in those cases the “guilt trip” shows a lack of respect for your boundaries! You’re willing to cause stress in your own, single life whereas the individual who relies on you shows little to no respect for your healthy boundaries and decisions.

Healthy Boundaries Allow For Better Choices For Your Health and Well-Being

This one hits home for me personally and allows me to see my growth in a few areas. I was very attracted to the mind and body of a woman a few months ago, probably around March of 2022. We agreed to go out on a date, as I am not bringing women to my house until we are very committed and have plans of moving the relationship forward. We dated a few times. She was well aware I was an alcoholic who had a good amount of sober time leading up to one crucial night.

Her brother was playing one of those “pretend we are those people” type of band where they play – very well – a famous artists songs. I forgot what you call that band and pretend wasn’t proper to use there. As I digress, she invited me to go. As I arrived at the location I sent her a text and asked her if she was aware she invited me to a bar. She answered she did know and didn’t think it was a problem so long as I didn’t drink.

Even to this day, I am not at a place where I see any need to frequent a bar. I left and thanked her for her brief companionship but that we were best off to end it then and there.

Years ago, before I began developing healthy boundaries, I would have probably went in. She was a fantastic woman, very witty and a pleasure to be around. She didn’t respect my healthy boundaries enough to ask if going to a bar would be a problem. Maybe for you there is a diet you have to stick to and people constantly invite you out to eat. That is well and great however, for me at least, aren’t so many times you want to spend $16 on a salad before you say enough?

Although often times healthy boundaries are not life and death, they very well can be. I am completely convinced I am going to die if I drink again. Maybe not instantly, however addiction is extremely progressive and not something I am willing to chance again. This can be dealing with stress in a relationship, or a job as I mentioned above. I firmly believe stress and anxiety are secret killers as they have been shown to contribute to heart disease.

Negative emotions have the potential to kill you. Healthy boundaries have a much better chance to be preventative measures. This is incredibly important for people who have suffered PTSD in relationships! Healthy boundaries will let you know when to say no. Saying no can potentially save you having to put in the work you already have to get better.

Setting healthy boundaries and your health are tough. I have met many people who are addicted to a variety of things yet they had no idea. As I coach them I ask numerous hypothetical questions based around their healthy boundaries. Many times, and I see it regularly while coaching, we have no idea how many ways we could get hit with something. Making life changes should almost have a “prerequisite” of setting healthy personal boundaries!

Let’s Look at a Quick Example of Healthy Boundaries

healthy boundaries in relationships
healthy boundaries

Look at those two pictures for a little bit. Times up, somewhat kidding, however I will attempt to show how they can look very similar to healthy boundaries as well as unhealthy boundaries. I won’t take much time on this, however I felt this to be a great contrast on the positive and negative healthy boundaries.

The image on the left is an example of bad personal boundaries. The fence looks like it offers some form of security, people will have to be careful getting in. However once they are in, it looks like they have free reign to an entire pasture right? Can you see how it may be difficult if they are running around, trying to catch them and get them back out? Even if you did, they are probably able to cut somewhere down the line and re-enter, right?

Look at the fence on the right now, this is our example of positive healthy boundaries. Compared to the image on the left this one looks like it’s very tough to penetrate. That’s the point, people may try and turn around instead of risking an attempt at sneaking in! Even if they were brave enough to try and get in, they will probably be swarmed by guards and immediately escorted. With this fence, or positive healthy boundaries, they have a much lower chance at sneaking in and causing damage or chaos!

Draw your own analogy around those two fences, make sure you are considering healthy boundaries as well as negatively healthy boundaries. Do you see the difference between having, and not having, healthy boundaries?

Having Healthy Boundaries Can Feel Absolutely Liberating!

Healthy boundaries, especially if you have gone a long time with out them, can eventually feel extremely freeing and liberating. When you consider the fact that you are able to help someone, however also have the ability to maintain your peace and tranquility you should feel empowered. When does that empowered feeling come after you set healthy boundaries? For me it was after saying no.

If you are in a relationship, children or friends, spouse or “special friend you will most likely find resistance after you set what you believe to be healthy boundaries for yourself. I did with a few different relationships.

I also had someone throw their healthy boundary around me when I was causing them issues! That hit me like a sack of bricks, however I was taking them down a bad path in their sobriety. I wasn’t anywhere close to being in recovery however made it seem like I did, until I was in meetings with slurred speech. He lovingly told me he didn’t want me to call him if I had began drinking but rather before and that that was what he was there for.

He explained that although I was an imposing figure, and surely gave him an attitude (which I don’t remember as I began blacking out after the call) he had to. I was affecting his attitude at home, his desire to be a sponsor, and his views toward me. He has the upmost respect for me, when I’m sober, and after discussing it have maintained a very close friendship still. In fact I call him roughly 5 times a week!

Setting healthy boundaries was freeing for him. I am quite sure it will be for you also. Give them a shot! Contact us here and we will see how we can help you! Also, take our flag ship course Lasting Change and thank us later, you can access that and the discounted rates on our coaching services here.

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Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

Can You Fix a Codependent Relationship? Yes – Here Are 5 More Ways Starting Today

can you fix a codependent relationship can you fix a codependent marriage

The last post we covered how to save a codependent relationship and we listed off 5 of 10 ways that are known to help fix a codependent relationship. Again, they take work! I may sound like a broken record, but once it sticks it will make sense. The reason it takes time to fix a codependent relationship, or really any habit or trait we have developed over time, is because we learn through repetition. We like, as living things do, to follow the path of least resistance. That includes when we want to find joy in life and salvage as well as fix a codependent relationship.

Because we have to pay the bills, and because we have seen truly remarkable results – here is a commercial space for our Lasting Change course. And yes, it has helped people who struggle with codependency issues! Click the banner below and then come back and finish reading this article.

can you fix a codependent relationship

Get Ready for Resistance When You Begin to Fix a Codependent Relationship

Who likes change? Nobody, and when you are serving the needs day in and day out as a people pleaser, the one receiving may push back hard. When you are working toward trying to fix a codependent relationship, you will probably face resistance. I have seen this a few times in my intimate relationships, especially lately. And although I am not actively trying to fix a codependent relationship, I saw areas where they could.

One situation was where someone was cleaning a packed car and I went over to drop something off. She was stressed to the max and was cleaning the car out in the heat. She asked a few people for a hand and nobody did, but they were quick with the gripes on how long it took and that they were running late for vacation. So I gave her a hand. She didn’t know what to do with herself, when I help especially if it’s a stressful situation I pretty much take over and “clean house” effectively.

It is typical for her to do a lot to please other people. That’s “who she is” because that’s who she let’s herself be. She was never a client, but a close friend/ex. She is slowly growing boundaries and although I don’t agree with them, there is some progress. She gets resistance when she asks for help. When she tries to make changes, people think the world is going to end! Easy Street gets a detour and it is typically not well received. If you want to fix a codependent relationship, you need to place a detour sign on easy street…

Although her experience was with a family, it just goes to show you can fix a codependent relationship that isn’t romantic. It can be in the house, in a work place, in a club. You name it, you can find a codependent relationship in any situation. My favorite book that explains this in the simplest terms is “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” which I HIGHLY encourage adults to read for themselves as well as their children.

Practice Saying No

can you fix a codependent relationship can you fix a codependent marriage

Saying no to people you love, especially when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship can be very tough. You’re used to saying yes, and it’s all but assumed you will say yes. This gets dicey when you start enacting change. You know you want to say no, but it’s almost like the word gets stuck leaving your mouth, right?

There’s freedom in saying no though! Much more than guilt or shame. When you’re trying to fix a codependent relationship saying no is important. What you’re doing is slowly increasing your role in the relationship. You’re justified in doing so, because it’s a relationship not a master/servant scenario.

Look Through the Eyes of Someone Else

I used to love playing pretend as a child, and it taught me how to be empathetic and really understand where people were coming from. When you are trying to fix a codependent relationship that could be the best way to start. Even if you don’t start here, it really needs to be in the plans.

You can do this yourself, or literally by asking someone outside of the codependent relationship what their thoughts are. What do they suggest? Another way is to look at your relationship through their eyes. If you were them, how would they fix your relationship? Or actually, how would you fix theirs, that makes more sense to ask it that way.

Fix A Codependent Relationship With Help!

save your codependent relationship

If things in your relationship started great but got tougher, or you felt more pressure, as time went on it may be wise to get help. We obviously help with this all the time and you can contact us here for our relationship coaching or simply you for life coaching! In life we normally need a second set of eyes as it is no different when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship! Sometimes outside, professional help is needed and that’s okay!

Ask for Help to Fix a Codependent Relationship, Start Small!

Practice small things like if you, for example, typically clear off the table after dinner ask for people to scrape their plates into the rubbish! It starts with the small stuff. What you’re doing when you do this is slowly getting used to asking for help, and importantly letting people realize even if subconsciously that you may need a hand!

Start Taking Space up to Fix a Codependent Relationship!

Some people call this finding their voice, I call it taking space. Either way this is when you would slowly start interjecting yourself into the decisions and choices. You would be voicing your opinion, you would be taking your share of the relationship. This is typically the culmination for most people when they successfully fix a codependent relationship.

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Mindset Coaching Relationship Coaching

10 Ways You Can Use to Unlock the Ability to Let Go of Resentment Starting Now!

positive quotes recovery quotes emotional quotes

Want to Let Go of Resentment? Start Here and Read to the End!

So we covered in depth how to get rid of resentment, how to handle resentment against someone, now we are going to discuss how to let go of resentment. It will be a bit of a read, I also included a table of content feature so we can have longer articles instead of just more articles!

If we want to let go of resentment, we have probably got to change some of our faults and habits, including our ways of seeing things and perception. The easiest path (because we have a path we set for you!) to changing a habit is with our Lasting Change product! There will take some work as we discussed previously that habits can be tricky to change.

Let Go of Resentment By Saying Adios to Yesterday

We have 11 different ways to let go of resentment. The first one is something that is discussed a lot in recovery circles. It is the fact that we cannot make a better yesterday. I can testify to the freedom of not living in yesterday anymore! It held me back and kept me stuck in a circle of the same behaviors because I was either trying to change, or mad (because I knew I couldn’t) change yesterday. When doing my steps through Celebrate Recovery Step Program, I was able to let go of resentment. It was painful, sure. But it takes work to get ahead.

Part of the freedom I found when I let go of resentment was I had moments of joy and beauty. I explained to my accountability team that I wanted to find joy. They explained that I was trying to do God’s job when I kept things a secret and would try to alter yesterday’s outcomes today. If I wanted to let go of resentment, I had to let go of yesterday. Not forget about it, but allow my journey to continue by moving on.

Let Go of Resentment by Accepting it is a State of Mind!

What’s an emotion? It’s a feeling. Anger is a feeling, however being angry or jealous are states of mind. Once you accept that your anger is controlling you, do the whatever resentment you want to let go of, you can slowly move toward recovering or being able to let go of resentment towards whatever it is bugging you.

resentment in a relationship

I’ll chime in and relate again. I was angry, can’t find much joy or peace when you are angry. I had no desire to let go of resentment against someone because I was comfortable – not happy – with my circle of chaos. Or so I thought, I was also drinking alcohol like a fish. I was literally stuck!

I found that cutting lose things that made me angry, like finally letting go of things out of my control, I became more and more joyful. I realized my poor state of mind was just that, and that was something I had control of. I wasn’t an angry person by nature, I chose to let myself stay angry!

Forgiveness is a Way to Let Go of Resentment Also!

I know people who hold grudges, even just the mention of someone’s name can send them up the wall! It literally changes their demeanor instantly. Imagine someone cracking up laughing and instantly looking at you with those “if looks could kill” eyes, that’s basically what their grudge gives them. It’s not hurting the other person though. Let go of resentment by practicing forgiveness.

If You Want to Let Go of Resentment You May Have to Look Inside Also..

Forgiving someone who you hold a resentment against does little for them. It frees you from the bondage of anger, maybe regret, and other nasty feelings, emotions, and states of mind we do not want to find our self in. But what about forgiving yourself?

This was actually one of my biggest struggles before I suffered a severe and long term relapse in 2018. It was also a major reason for the relapse. I was always mad and down on myself, but I never offered myself forgiveness for things I couldn’t change! I make mistakes occasionally still, but I resolve them as fast as possible. You should too.

Let Go of Resentment by Embracing Boundaries

These are tough, but not impossible especially if you use our Lasting Change method, to set in current relationships. However, by setting boundaries you increase the possibility of being able to let go of resentment because it has a lower chance to occur!

Setting boundaries are never fun, but they can be healthy protective nets for you. I have had to set some in life, in fact many. It hurts when someone runs into them and tries to get past them, because they have to go afterward. They no longer can have whatever place it was in my life because even if I choose to include them, they have a short leash. We will talk about boundaries on here before you know it.

Being a Life Coach in Massachusetts I have seen a ton of people needing boundary work! It’s almost like we have an epidemic of people with no boundaries. Without getting political, look at how kids learn the world revolves around them at an early age.

Let Go of Resentment by Looking at a Scar?

Yepper pepper pal! You can in fact let go of resentment by looking at your scars. They may be internal scars, but this is where you can use reflection! Reflection is an incredible tool that I will never encourage people to do enough! If you want to let go of resentment, reflection specifically on your scars can help. Maybe not so much how they got there, but realize how the source of those scars helped you to grow!

Let Go of Resentment With One of my Favorites!

A perspective shift could be just what you need to let go of resentment for good (eventually). Mindset, I’ve talked about at home mindset coaching techniques and such a few times and that is because I love the power of our minds! It can want us to stay in bed as we battle depression, or force us to get up because we are done losing and it’s our turn.

That leaves me with a question, can resentment cause depression? I am going to research the living daylights out of that soon. You know what’s funny, a few years ago I would have been mad at myself for not saying of course it can! I operate on researched facts though, that’s my motus operandi or whatever it is called. That also shows my shift in mindset.

Shifting your perspectives or mindset are not easy. It may feel like a battle you can’t win, but if you want to win the battle of letting go of resentment you have to put the work in. Take it day by day, if depression is keeping you in bed fight through that pain to get up because you did countless times before. You are a victorious individual and I am proud of what you’ve accomplished!

Let Go of Resentment By Singing a Song!

Can you really let go of resentment by singing a song? I can tell you there is a powerful song by Beyonce’s old group Destiny’s Child that can spearhead you in your journey to let go of resentment. She’s not along, there are many good songs including a bunch that are regulars in my morning worship list that can help you let go of resentment and they all focus on one thing, survivorship.

positive quotes recovery quotes emotional quotes

If you want to let go of resentment, you CANNOT live like a victim. If you keep feeling like a victim I will tell you now you will not let go of resentment. You won’t, I’ve seen it time and again with many clients. You have beat so many challenges already! I let go of resentment by realizing I am a loved, blessed, and redeemed child of God and He has already won. So for me, I am not a victim, I surely was however now I survive because I fight from victory.

You Have to be Accountable if YOU Want to Let Go of Resentment

I’ll repeat the section title, you have to be accountable if you want to let go of resentment. Accountability is something I personally have as a boundary because for some reason the blame game bothers me. I have done it a ton myself, pushing blame away from me, but I was hiding my part in the mess. My part would not allow me to let go of resentment, because I kept holding onto it even as I passed blame wherever I could.

My alcoholism and recreational drug use was everyone’s fault but my own. Doesn’t make any sense to me either, however it’s true. Or it was. I had to be accountable to myself and others if I wanted to let go of resentment after resentment. My part wouldn’t go away because it needed an owner. It’s not easy, however it is doable.

Let Go of Resentment by Being Grateful

I’m not saying you should say “Lord, I am glad Tommy punched me in the eye and I knocked him out. We both got suspended instead of just him!” However I believe we have a lot of animosity these days because we are not using gratitude, which is a key way to let go of resentment! Sort of weird, after all how can gratitude help to let go of resentment? Let’s take a quick peak.

I was incarcerated, I was an alcoholic, and tons of other negative experiences. I don’t regret (or resent haha it fits here as well!) any of that. In fact, I am grateful for my experiences. I used gratitude to let go of resentment, and I hardly have them anymore. When I do, again, I address them as soon as possible. I focus on the positive in every situation.

Life recovery Bible celebrate Recovery resentment step 4

Prison was incredibly boring, however it gave me a love for studying the Word of God. In fact, I have it right next to my Chromebook, because I read it at least once a day. Being in God’s presence is my happy place.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to attend Celebrate Recovery and AMAZING program. Turns out alcoholism wasn’t even my biggest issue! In fact that is where I learned I had to let go of resentment and that concept has stuck with me. Although I pretty much have to (I trained myself for that) because that’s when my Monday’s end, at 5:00 when I get ready to head over for a meeting and open share.

I’m grateful for being able to coach 13 people yesterday! It was a long day, however I saw positive results because of my help in 13 people. I saw someone overcome a life long issue and really thrive in the new situation they put themselves in! Gratitude, all of those could be a resentment however gratitude helped me let go of resentment. Coaching was never a resentment I had to let go of, however I did burn out before. I took a break, I adapted, and I had people constantly tell me to come back!

Gratitude is not just good for being able to let go of resentment. It’s a great way to live. You begin to look and notice the positives in life, and there are many of them. There’s either a blessing or a lesson in everything we encounter, and being able to let go of resentment for good is surely a blessing. But it took work.

Do You Want to Let Go of Resentment For Good?

If you want to free yourself from the grips of shame and misery that accompanies resentment, and finally let go of resentment you really need to consider our course literally named Lasting Change. It’s beyond cost effective for what you get out of it. It’s incredibly powerful, and it’s broken down into easy to digest modules. As an added bonus, you can get access and start TODAY!

let go of resentment
https://guidedstepscoaching.com/lasting-change-splash

We can also help you out! Grab a few sessions with me or one of our other seasoned coaches and let them help guide your steps as you walk the journey of finally being able to let go of resentment. Simply grab your slot here. Let’s let go of resentment together. Products & Services.

Here’s a FREE Gift!

Because you made it this far, I wanted to extend the offer of getting a free life assessment review. Simply leave a comment and we will shoot it over your way to the email you provide upon leaving a comment! Not bad, you get a $75 gift as well as learned 10 ways to let go of resentment!

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Relationship Coaching Uncategorized

A Wrap Up! Handle Resentment In A Relationship The Last 9 Ways!

mindset training to help you change your attitude an original meme

Are resentment in a relationship the only kind of resentments out there? Nope. When you think about it, and it makes sense, a lot of the resentments we have looked at do focus on more intimate relationships, such as resentment in a relationship, resentment in marriage, and etc. You could have been hurt as I mentioned in a previous post by a church as I was when they parted ways with a recovery group I am in. I still feel it was a foolish move, however it is what it is and the group is still active and fine. I digress. We also discussed how to look inward and how to accept your feelings so what else have we got?

Handle Resentment in a Relationship By Accepting Life on Life’s Terms

Another popular topic in recovery circles such as Celebrate Recovery or Narcotics Anonymous is the idea we have to live life on life’s terms. Sometimes that way of taking care of a resentment in a relationship is tougher, like what if they don’t change?! Well in that case, and if you want to save a codependent relationship (which I have found most to be) it could take a combination of therapy and life coaching. We can help, however I feel this topic is cut back too much. Because for me, I couldn’t live life on life’s terms I had to have my hands in something fixing problems, because that’s what we do correct? No, that’s codependency at it’s finest.

So how do we live life on life’s terms? For me it was surrendering what I can’t control, accepting the fact that I am not God and sometimes I need help navigating a situation. I’m far better now than I was, but it takes work. I reflect daily on how to best resolve situations from many different vantage points, but a big part of it is living the Serenity Prayer to the best of my ability. This helps me a lot when I have to take care of a resentment in a relationship. Sometimes I can’t salvage them and that’s okay.

Sometimes I need to ensure I have higher boundaries, and that’s okay. Sometimes I need to realize I don’t know what I don’t know and that’s also okay… Talk it out with us if you’re stuck, because otherwise you’re just taking away from the rest of your life.

resentment in a relationship

Can Meditation Help Handle a Resentment in Your Relationships?

Maybe. Meditating is a REALLY good exercise to practice. I’d even recommend throwing some guided imagery in there as we talked about guided imagery for anxiety relief here.

What meditating could do to potentially help with a resentment in a relationship is reduce your “negative charge”. I won’t go in depth on the benefits of meditation, however it is helpful. I have found guided imagery in meditation can help reduce the animosity in a relationship from your end.

Use Some Empathy to Help With Your Resentment in A Relationship

Have you ever heard the saying put yourself into the other person’s shoes? Empathy is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse with me. I am an extremely empathetic person. I can look at a situation from 20 different ways (I’ve never counted, I’m just assuming and like the number 20).

But when I’m mad, it’s tough for me to be empathetic with someone. But I will tell you, when I look at the why instead of the what of how I am offended or feeling negatively, I find that sometimes “I get it”. It may not make me okay with whatever they did, however it does make it easier to gain an understanding with them or the situation.

Do NOT Get Even!

Another uncomfortable place to be is when you want to get even. At the time, it may seem like a good idea, maybe even justified in how to handle a resentment in a relationship. For instance, earlier this year I had a couple grab a few coaching sessions, they had been together for a while.

One partner cheated a few times and the other knew. Instead of addressing the cheating, they cheated back. Then the other returned favor again. What was left was a family (with children) who played a tit for tat game of unfaithfulness. I asked them which time in their cheating they felt better. They both had remorse and wanted to get past the cheating issue. But how?

It starts with not getting even. I would suggest if it is safe mentally and physically to handle the situation when it occurs. But when we are feeling pain or in a charged emotional state, good or bad, we do not typically think straight. First we would want to wait until we are calm. Next, address how you feel or what you believe happened and how it made you feel. Do not “go off” on them, in fact guard your tongue. When we argue and begin shouting and name calling there’s a huge chance we are not going to address the topic that needs to be addressed.

Handle Resentment in a Relationship BEFORE it Happens!

Sounds kind of crazy right? How could you have a resentment before you have any kind of relationship with someone? Because your expectations of what the relationship will or won’t consist of may be haywire.

When we enter into relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, we may have an idea of where it will go or bring with it. For instance, I had a LOT of resentments against me in the past. I am very easy to talk to and a people’s person.

Quite a few women had a romanticized idea in their head that I was into them in a way I assured them later I wasn’t, but I enjoyed their friendship. I love people and interacting with them. One girl actually began talking to another girl I was actually interested in to inform her we had something going on. That was a messy end to a friendship because she let a resentment in a relationship grow when there was no need.

So what could I have done? Maybe a few times let them know I enjoyed their friendship or acquaintance. I could have asked them what they wanted from our friendship and how I could be a better friend. I could have acknowledged what I expected in friendships, maybe a bit of time but nothing crazy like needing to hangout every day. On the contrary, they could have expressed their thoughts, ideas, and questions toward me. At the end of the day it is all water under the bridge now.

Look at Yourself Before the Other to Help Handle Resentment in a Relationship

Look within is a powerful concept for many areas of life, and you know by now after reading some posts that I firmly believe we should reflect more. This is another area to reflect on when you have a resentment in a relationship AND you are at a point where you are going to address it! Look at the picture below and we will talk about it briefly before moving on to the next way to handle resentment in a relationship

Obviously we do not walk around with planks in our eyes. However, we also need to see why we are upset, which is similar to what we discussed earlier about looking within. This focuses more on the “I” aspect of your relational issue. You have to own your own experience because you are the only one who has those feelings.

Instead of saying “I can’t forgive you and you screwed up our friendship” remove some of the “blame” and add yourself to the issue. Maybe “what you said was very hurtful and we need to resolve this.” Something along those lines, in switching the blame you are removing the fuse before it gets lit during the conversation! It is better to handle the resentment in a relationship than spreading the fire. In fact, every single relationship you are in will probably have a resentment of some type!

The People You Associate With Could Help The Resentment in a Relationship Ahead of Time

There’s a saying that you are the same as the company you keep. Forget that. You need good, quality, wholesome people in your circle. You need friends who can get together and have a great time of course, but it’s also important to have different circles of friends. Sure you’ll learn a bit from each but I am getting at something different.

I have a lot of the answers if I sit and reflect on things, but I love bouncing ideas I am torn on off of other people. It doesn’t hurt them because not only is the idea not physical when I bounce it (corny joke), but it also helps greatly when I have a resentment in a relationship!

In fact, I bet if we handled things differently the resentment in my marriage would have been dealt with potentially outside of divorce. I’m happy things ended up the way they did and wish my ex wife nothing but the best. But we both held our resentment against each other in! If we entrusted our issues with good and Godly people, the resentment in a relationship could have turned into a detour rather than a road closure.

Another good aspect to having good and positive people around leads into our next topic.

Allowing People to Make Mistakes Will Kill a Resentment in a Relationship Fast

I mentioned at the end that good positive and Godly people will help you with a resentment in a relationship. One thing I learned from people the last few years is forgiveness and acceptance. I struggled bad with alcoholism until 2020, and many people had reason to have resentment in a relationship as I was a truck load of trouble. I was damaged, hurt, confused, and filled with guilt as well as shame. So what happened? They accepted and knew I wasn’t trying to hurt or upset them, but I had no clue how to stop the spiral I had in my life.

Positive people will see the good in you. For a while I had almost zero friends. I ended a long career as a gang member and if I didn’t want to go back, how could I keep them around? I didn’t, but I didn’t feel as though I would fit in with other crowds. Let me tell you, having good and uplifting people around is a blessing.

My brothers and sisters in Celebrate Recovery was a God send. Nobody judged when I mentioned I relapsed, or came back over two years later regularly. They believed in me when I couldn’t and that is what having a good bunch of people around will do for you.

Nobody is perfect, and maybe the Bible passage above fits best here, but it fits in both sections. People, including myself, are not perfect. Having people in different friend circles will allow you to address a resentment in a relationship with another person who is completely neutral to the situation.

Speaking of it, I’m going to do a post on the power of people eventually. They will be there for you to bounce an idea off. They will listen with your best interest at heart and hopefully not tell you what your tickling ears want to hear but rather the truth.

We Now Know How to Handle Resentment in a Relationship, But It’s Not Goodbye…

We made it to the end of our segment on how to handle resentment in a relationship! Your friends, spouse, and anyone else you deal with will most likely be greatful when you practice anything in any of these posts because of a few reasons. We are being more compassionate, accepting, as well as realistic when we practice the 10 methods I mentioned.

Sometimes we may only be able to the Serenity Prayer I will be leaving below and loving our person, people, or group from a far. If you find you are stuck in resentment and just can’t seem to get out of it, contact us and we will surely help you out just click here and get the ball rolling! We have a passion for helping people, and from we are told it really shows! Don’t forget to check out our course on creating lasting change, especially with resentments here!

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11 Ways on How to Handle Resentment Against Someone Starting Now!

Resentments are no fun at all. In our last post we looked at what could be triggers for resentment. Without having too long of a post, I decided we could just do a Part 2 if you would. This post is all about how to handle resentment against someone, probably the first of many. You could also say it’s how to handle resentment, but we need a target. Not for practice, but how to overcome that resentment because at the end of the day, all it is going to do is wear you down. Who needs more stress in their day? I’d say nobody, let’s look at the ways on how to handle resent against someone.

How to handle resentment against someone? Start With Acceptance!

how to handle resentment against someone

Nobody wants to accept the fact they harbor ill feelings against someone, however this is the number one place if you want to work on how to handle resentment against someone. You’re going to have to practice acceptance of how you feel. Your emotions are valid. This isn’t good for just handling a resentment, but negative emotions toward another person in general.

What happens when we allow ourselves to accept and feel our emotions? It’s the beginning of a freedom feeling. Trust me, I’ve been there and you have to “feel it to believe it!” One common mistake people make when trying to accept their feelings is they bottle them up. This isn’t just counter productive, it can be dangerous for your mental health! Have you ever seen an individual simply “lose it” for no reason, or maybe because their was a spec of food left over on a plate? Not allowing yourself to feel your feelings is not a good place to be in. It’s added stress which is not good and works against how to handle resentment against someone!

Think of a backpack that is stuffed beyond what it is capable of holding, or a volcano with an incredible amount of gasses and whatever else they have inside them. What is going to happen if more gasses build up or we try and stretch the backpack a bit more? There’s a tremendously higher chance it will blow up, right?

emotional freedom how to handle resentment against someone

Sticking with acceptance regarding how to handle resentment against someone, you may want to take a review on our article on self talk. The reason I suggest that is because you are going to need to remember to be kind to yourself. This is especially true if you’ve been “packing the backpack” for a while. You’re going to have all sort of emotions and thoughts come up! Imagine clearing out the drain for the kitchen sink in a house that’s poured a gallon of grease down it a day. It will probably take a while to get it all out and some of it may come up out of the blue. That’s okay! When working on how to handle a resentment against someone, your drain may occasionally keep burping stuff up. Don’t push it back down, get rid of it. You need to be your own best friend here.

Don’t rush to judgement against yourself either! This goes back to mindset coaching techniques where we practice nice, pleasant, uplifting self talk. This is especially true if you are hard on yourself by nature! You may want to say “I worked on how to handle resentment against someone and look, a week later I am still dealing with it!” It’s not fair to judge yourself including how you feel. Again, your feelings are valid.

In “Conquer Fear” I wrote about the Serenity Prayer. If Christianity isn’t your thing, I apologize. For me, it works tremendously and is a part of almost everything I do. This next part of this article will speak specifically on that, a Christian viewpoint. Why is knowing how to handle resentment against someone important for a Christian? Because it’s sin… and we are called to not sin, right? Look at this verse and think about it:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24

One of the most profound things I learned while working toward my Master’s degree was that God is the Great Counselor. He’s more than a few pay grades above me, and I am not ashamed to say that I have had countless sessions with Him. When I am surrendering my recovery and sobriety to Him daily, if there’s something there He gives a reminder. It’s almost like He is saying “Hey Jay, thanks for trying to glorify me! BUT, you sort of need to go over these feelings against someone first.” God knows a thing or two about how to handle resentment against someone.

We are humans who follow Christ. We are going to run into roadblocks and could stumble. But working on your relationship with Him and expressing your feelings to Him is freeing. Very freeing. It’s also freeing to discuss them with a close friend. Maybe we can’t, nor should we, immediately go directly to the source of our hurt. Processing our feelings is where we need to start. There’s wisdom in counsel, that’s discussed in the Word also!