Tag: Codependent

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Relationship Coaching Uncategorized

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Look Like… 18 Examples!

So far we have seen that with healthy boundaries relationships are the exact opposite of codependent tendencies. We have seen this all throughout the Boundaries Book pretty much in each of the preceding articles/chapters. This article is going to show a bit more of what, how, and with healthy boundaries relationships should look. Know what that means? We are going example heavy, because how else could we see the picture healthy boundaries relationships paints? Let’s get cracking! We will have a yes and a no for each topic.

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Have More Respect

Yeah, you read that right! There is more respect in them. Now is that going to come immediately? If the relationship in question is established already, we will be teaching old dogs new tricks – that goes for all involved including yourself. You’ll be giving acceptable respect, and you will be expecting respect! Let’s see how healthy boundaries in relationships look:

healthy boundaries relationships
With healthy boundaries relationships allow for yes and no when either is necessary

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, I wanted chicken, I’m not eating this crap.” “I’m sorry Billy Bubblebutt, I’ll make your dino chickie nuggies instead of this filet minon right away!”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, make my nuggets NOW! I’m not eating this steak!” “You’re going to eat what I made, I told you I was making this when you asked 5 times after school. Also, you do NOT talk to me like that you’re grounded for 3 days. You’re not watching ballerinas in pajamas this weekend Billy.”

Do you see how mom takes control in the first verses the second example?

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Share the Blame

As codependents, we have a tendency to take blame for things that aren’t our faults and a large chunk of the time do not even involve us. With healthy boundaries relationships blame allows you to accept when you made a mistake, but not force the issue to convict you. Other times, especially if this has been the way the relationship has gone, your partner may blame you when it isn’t your fault!

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I’m sorry you missed the ball champ, I should have held it in front of you so you could hit it when you were done staring at the bird flying.”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I can’t swing the bat for you, if it’s too fast let me know that. I’m not a mind reader buddy, nice swing though!”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “You made me crack the omelette, you gave me the wrong spatula. Breakfast is ruined.” “I’m sorry, let me have the place down the street deliver.”

Yes “The omelette is messed up, you gave me the wrong spatula. How are you going to fix this?” “It’s ruined because it was supposed to be flipped. You have the stuff out, toss that one in the trash and make another one, just flip it when it’s firm**”
** I’m a life coach not a chef, and I have admittedly never attempted to make an omelette, it should have been flipped whenever you omelette makers normally flip or fold it..

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships, You Can Say No Simply Because

When it comes to people pleasing and codependency, this one word can give us significant feelings of guilt, shame, and an overall sense we are letting people down. The most prevalent places I have seen this are at home and in the workplace. With codependency we are saving or being saved, with people pleasing we have to support and uplift them. With healthy boundaries relationships still allow for this, but not in the typical absolute sense of need we typically put on it. Even if it is going to impact us negatively, we HAVE to help!

With healthy boundaries relationships allow us to say no. If our plate is full, saying no could let people down – especially if they are used to us helping them. Especially when we begin inserting boundaries in relationships, this is the make or break point typically. We will either see progress or we won’t. With this one we are taking a more serious tone with our examples because this is a crucial area for change and improving your people pleasing and codependency tendencies.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Joe what are you doing this weekend?” “Not much just hanging out at home probably. Michelle was saying the other night even though we live together we basically only text because we don’t see each other.” “Aww come on guy, it will be a blast. I’m not taking no for an answer!” “I told her I would help paint the living room though.” “Joe, you’re coming out this weekend and catching trout – just text her and tell her something came up”

With healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Hey Joe let’s go out this weekend, party Friday and Saturday, we can recover Sunday!” “Hey Man, I appreciate the invite but I think I am going to stay in and spend a little time with Michelle I haven’t seen her all week.” “Dude, trout fishing. She will get it, you guys live together anyway!” “I really can’t, what are you doing next Saturday?” “Yes you can, I’m free every weekend for the next month I think.” “Alright I will, just not this weekend. Thanks again for the invite, send me some shots of what I miss if you catch anything this time.”

Do you see how that works? If you went with Joe’s example of not having boundaries he would probably be in turmoil because sure he wants to hangout with his friend however he promised time to his wife. If he went because, let’s say his name was Tom, was badgering him he would let Michelle down. What this would do, especially since the unhealthy boundaries showed him acting in a people pleasing way. He would start stressing most likely over how Michelle would handle it, he would instantly have resentments toward himself. His mental health would take a hit over unnecessary stress.

Let’s look at an example in terms of someone in recovery. Typically if you are strong in recovery, the following situation wouldn’t bother you too much. There’s an important saying that people brush off and they really shouldn’t, that if you hang around the barber enough you’re going to get a hair cut.

Without healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Tommy, want to come to a wedding and reception with me? It’s open bar and the party is going to be insane. I’m only doing the toast and a few drinks.” “Thanks for the offer Danielle, sounds like it will be fun. I’ve been trying to hang with you for a while but I can’t drink. I’m 3 months sober and when I’m around booze I get weak. Can’t say no, ya know?” “Come on dude, just don’t drink. I’ll make it worth your while after!” “I can’t, next time when there isn’t alcohol flowing maybe.” “You’re weak, if you can’t come with me forget it I don’t need a weak guy.” “Fine.”

Tommy went and was good for a while! He let her guilt him into it, and Tommy ended up getting a DUI charge afterward. Danielle didn’t want a guy who couldn’t drive so he got dumped anyway. Will that happen all the time? Of course not! But at 3 months, he knew his boundaries and tried to stick with them. He gave in and not only lost his clean time but also but his freedom.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Tommy, you should come to a wedding with me!” “Just the wedding or the reception too?” “Both, free booze and we could end up having a better night than the bride and groom.” “I’ll do the wedding but I don’t want to be around booze flowing like the Nile. I just got sober and don’t think it would be a good idea.” “Can’t you just have one shot with me or stay away from the bar?”

“I might be able to stay away from the bar, but one shot would be too many and 100 wouldn’t be enough you know?” “Well you’ve been bugging me to come, man up and let lose one night won’t kill you!” “May not kill me but I’ve worked hard to get here. Either another time or just forget it, I can’t be around that.” “Good for you bro, I like to drink and have fun so maybe we aren’t that compatible anyway.”

Tommy was dying to get with Danielle, but he knew his sobriety was more important. Even outside the recovery realm, sometimes we just can’t put ourselves in places that bug us. Tommy didn’t regret his decision, at first he was down but he felt empowered by finally being able to say no. With healthy boundaries relationships can have empowerment flowing freely, just like the open bar above. Empowerment does amazing things for your self esteem!

As I mentioned before, there are a few pain points that people feel in common situations. Without healthy boundaries relationships such as intimate and employee/employer related situations. Let’s focus on those, and although the mom/child situation above could be seen as intimate, let’s look more at an example with the ability to say no for healthy boundaries in relationships where it’s more of a significant other view shall we?

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to borrow your apartment for a visit!” “For what and why?” “DCF, just say I’ve lived there for a while and I’m clean and we are good.” “Are you crazy? I don’t want DCF in my house!!” “If you love me you will, just have your kids go to your mom’s or something.” “Ugh whatever.”

Little did he know that having been involved in an investigation would follow him. For whatever unreasonable reason people investigated by DCF typically have a bad following. He didn’t get custody of his 12 month old daughter because against his better judgement he let his girlfriend have the visit at his house and she dropped an empty heroin baggie from her purse accidentally in front of the worker.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to have a meeting at your place, DCF is on my case for a meeting over me neglecting Jasiel!” “Shannon, no way I can’t I’m going through a custody case for Conrad, if stuff goes south I’m screwed.” “

If you love me you will!” “Listen, I love you but I am not jeopardizing my sons. Plus I don’t want to be tied up in that, I can support you and say you’re doing good but you said last week you were sick and I know what that means. I get it, trust me I do. But for our safety, I can’t!” “Come on!” “Dude, my cousin works for the court system and told me whatever I do not to get caught up in their investigations. NO.” “Whatever, screw me over like that I knew you didn’t love me! I should have just stayed with Alex he would let me.”

“I said no, I do a lot for you. This is just something I can’t do, plus after you got out of detox and into the sober house we talked boundaries. I do feel bad for you, but if you’re just going to constantly bring me down maybe this isn’t going to work anyway.”

The scenario above is similar to something I helped coach someone through. He came to us because he was tired of getting used used in his romantic relationships and typical of codependent behaviors would put them before anything else. He unfortunately did have to end his relationship and, after advising him, did seek therapy too. He is thriving now and will be the first to tell you that standing your ground is tough but sometimes you need to for yourself. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for your decision to stand.

Last but not least, we arrive at work. Although we have an idea of what it looks like when relationships allow for healthy boundaries by saying no, work is a toughie. Some people are workaholics, and not because they necessarily love their job but because they feel obligated and needed. At times, they may be needed. When I left my position at Vitamin World, the store was closed a few months later and prior to me being employed it was set to be closed 3 months prior. I’m a great manager and I know that, I just prefer coaching versus managing.

Let’s look at an example from something I have helped coach a few people through, the situation is similar in each of their experiences. Here’s the scenario:

Jane is middle management and works for an hourly wage. She’s a mom of 2, an 11 year old and 5 year old. The 11 year old is constantly trying to get her to watch his games. Although she is divorced she has someone she is dating. She has been employed by the same company for 12 years and although is paid hourly, makes roughly $65,000 per year by herself.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane, I know you have next week off but we need your help with this. Is there anyway you can zoom in to a few meetings to help the team understand it better?”

[Important note – She has done this for years before and is never compensated for her extra work. Fun fact, even voluntarily – this violates labor law. Someone performing work for a company regardless of whether it is allowed or not is to be compensated. More of an important note, I have a BS (funny, I know) in Legal Studies however AM NOT a practicing paralegal or lawyer.]

“The company doesn’t allow for overtime and when I wrap up today I will be at 39:50.” “You’ve never asked for overtime, we could work something out maybe an early day or two to equal whatever you do at the meetings.” “Fine.”

Although she didn’t work everyday, she promised her 11 year old she would watch the game. She stayed in her car for most of the game for a meeting, and when she was by the field she was responding to text messages. “Did you see my home run?!” “Yes!” “I didn’t hit one, at least you came to the field, but I get it work is important because you need money to pay the bills.”

Even if she was getting paid, which was never guaranteed and she was using vacation time, we can see when we don’t have healthy boundaries relationships, regardless of where, will eventually spill in to other relationships. She let her son down, her unhealthy relationship has her mismanaging her most important role – her family.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane I know you’re off next week, but we need you to cover the Tuesday evening meeting. John’s on vacation and I don’t think Elliot is prepared yet, still learning the ropes you know?” “Ted, I’m on vacation too. I promised my son I’d watch his game and I want to watch his game, I’ve had this vacation planned for months now. I’m sorry I can’t.”

“Don’t you like the job?” “I do, but I love my family more. I’ll do what I can to help you guys set everything up for Elliot, but maybe ask John if he can give an hour or two from his vacation instead if that doesn’t work for you?” “But you always gave us extra help without asking” “I know, however I have been neglecting family time and probably gave this company a solid few months of unpaid help, I need this time for me.”

The clients I mentioned that had gone through the above situation or similar all showed codependent traits. It’s tough to say no, and as we had seen in other articles on this site about codependent behavior, badgering to say yes is often used. Typically, without healthy boundaries relationships with people we are close to make it tough to say no!

What’s interesting is we can in each example above see a codependent relation. There’s a giver and a taker. Codependency will always be difficult to manage if we don’t stick to our guns. There’s a book that I feel shows codependency better than any other. It’s called “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” and I highly recommend reading it and going over it with your children!

*note – If you click the book, and we would appreciate it, we may get compensation if you purchase it. We suggest this book being in your library especially if you struggle with codependent relationships as you can surely see the course of the giver and receiver.

What About Technology?

Social media has been impacting people’s lives. There’s surely a case for this, and the examples that follow are what I have heard and seen. Tpically I coach through these issues during relationship coaching. Additionally, I wrote a paper on the addictive qualities of technology during adolescence. The struggle is real. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for you to use or enjoy social media and technology! Let’s look at they it looks like when we combine both healthy boundaries and relationships.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her page!” “Sorry there was a reason I was there!”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her time line, I’m the only woman you need to look at.” “A bit controlling, but I’m on here to share something.”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Oh my gosh put your phone down.” “But I might miss a notification!”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Do you really need to stay on your phone?” “You know what, no, I can respond later.”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – Both people on their phone while at a restaurant together.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey let’s put our phones away and enjoy each other’s company.”

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Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

5 Reasons We Need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

Why Do We Need Healthy Boundaries?

In our introductory article about of the Boundaries Book segment which you can read here, we discussed the need for healthy boundaries. What’s interesting about this topic is that healthy boundaries in a relationship are deeper than simply referring to intimate relationships! Just like healthy relationships such as in your love life are important, equally as are professional boundaries important!

In the intro article for the Boundaries Book, I mentioned a healthy boundary for my dog was basically the back yard. It keeps her contained and safe from dogs that would most likely eat her alive, as well as preventing her from running into the street. Healthy boundaries are incredibly important for people recovering from addiction.

Healthy Boundaries From a World View

We can look at, without getting political because this isn’t the place for it if you leave a comment, healthy boundaries from a world view. Look at almost any country in the Middle East, Afghanistan would probably be a good example compared to the United States and we can see the benefits of healthy boundaries in a relationship with a bigger picture.

healthy personal boundaries

Although Afghanistan is a country, I wouldn’t dream of calling it a sovereign nation. There are war lords that run rampant and they have extremely porous borders. Although the citizens are typically nice from what I have heard, a lot of people (terrorists) who want to do harm across the globe like the area – because their boundaries are almost non existent. I’m assuming they have some form of boundaries but I have never, nor will I ever, been there.

Although the borders are more porous than they have been in recent times, the United States is an example of a sovereign nation with mostly secured borders. Shortly after the 2001 attacks by terrorists there was another individual who tried to enter the country through I believe it was Vancouver up in Canada. They had bombs or bomb making material and were trying to enter the United States. Their attempt failed. Along with Homeland Security, our borders also helped to thwart their attack.

So if we look at the healthy versus unhealthy borders, we can actually see how we can relate healthy boundaries to them and their effects. With healthy boundaries, we have more of a sense of self. Some people call it their inner peace commonly and we can see how protecting that peace is important. If the terrorists were to attack a city, picture your heart as the city, it would cause harm. Your emotional well being is their cities. The attacks would damage your sense of self. With the stronger borders, the healthy boundaries, although an attack could still occur it would be tougher.

Knowing who you are and what you need to protect is where you start. Healthy boundaries in a relationship can, and should, secure your past experiences. For years I had issues getting close to people, because of an early trauma where my “Grammy” died. If they were late, “missing in action”, or had lied I would snap and act completely inappropriately. This looked like severe physical attacks on males or purposely seeking out someone to have sexual relationships with that wasn’t my partner simply to get back at them. Nobody is perfect, myself included, however I also did not have healthy boundaries!

Healthy Boundaries Allow YOU to Decide How You Want to be Treated

healthy boundaries in recovery

There realistically is not much I could have done when I acted that way, because I had no idea why I did until I began opening up very slowly to people I was intimate with. I took loss of life hard, which being a former gang member was tough because it is expected that we would end up in a jail cell or coffin. I had to really get to know myself and face what bothered me so severely. One day I found out when it just clicked and a therapist told me where my temper came from. That was followed by a desk being thrown at him for even bringing it up. He was right!

Healthy boundaries, as I mentioned above, come from our experience as a human. Even after we resolve traumatic issues, these healthy boundaries act as a force field where we get a say in how we are treated. Healthy boundaries would have been an expectation of other people. No matter how bad something could be, tell me the truth is something I should have said. If you’re not going to be on time regardless of why, or if you needed space I should have told them to let me know.

For you, a healthy boundary can look like nearly anything – because I don’t know you yet. However, when you establish healthy boundaries it is extremely important to ensure they do not get crossed. When I established my healthy boundaries with people, I unfairly gave them a one and done chance – even if they had no clue what the newly formed healthy boundary was.

When you set your healthy boundaries, and if you want to change how you feel due to actions by others essentially, you need to set rules. If someone constantly keeps crossing your boundary, even if they are just skirting around the edge, you have to put a stop to it. If you don’t like them talking with a new girl, assuming you are in an intimate relationship with them, and they continue to do so they are in essence dictating to you how you will be treated. You don’t deserve that and it takes away from your person- hood.

You Live Life MORE On Your Terms With Healthy Boundaries

Again no politics, our country and inside its borders is known as a source of freedom. Many people rush to America because we are safe, provide generally a better quality of life, and also offer a better chance of “success” in a general sense of the word which equates to education as well as prosperity. Healthy boundaries for you can provide similar benefits!

Have you ever been egged into something that you wasted time on for ages? For me I have had my share of things I have gotten into against better judgement, or desire. I’m willing to bet you can relate. Have you, as a parent, ever allowed your children to hang around with someone or a group you were sketchy towards only to be proven right? But your child wanted it, and you wanted them happy. You can’t make a better yesterday, however you can learn from it with healthy boundaries and begin to create a much better tomorrow.

There was a group I was always hanging out with, to me they were my friends, and my mother had no issue with me going out with them. Or so I thought, I was told that she and my sister both had an issue with a few people in particular. Against her better judgement, she allowed me to hang out with my best friends both before I was 18 and after because she felt she didn’t have a say. Honestly, until I was about 25 I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

One of those “friends” was a high ranking gang member alongside me and I had a lot of respect for him. We both adhered to the code of the streets – death before dishonor, and no “snitching”. After we were stopped in a park around 11 PM we were taken out of the vehicle and a large amount of narcotics and weapons were seized. I didn’t have to tell the police it was his, they already knew! However, he had no issue pointing blame at me.

I will put zero blame on my mother, however healthy boundaries could have looked like “if you go with him, you’re not coming home.” She could have followed that up with a “and this is why.” We can not make a better yesterday. When I speak with my parents rarely about my past, they do wish they had enforced healthy boundaries and reached out to more people.

The other friendship resulted in a raid on our house looking for multiple firearms. My parents had to pay the price for my actions, not with DCF or their own arrests (the police didn’t bother to look in the yard) but regret for not placing healthy boundaries around me, and themselves. Another acquaintance stole from my dad’s wallet (he later paid back what he stole and much more physically and financially) while he was asleep. They hated that individual in particular.

Healthy boundaries can look like much more, that can actually deal directly to your joy or contentedness with life, as well as stress. Do you feel bad telling people at work “no”? Are you stuck at a job because you feel bad for other people? That is extremely admirable, however you’re far likely to start pouring from an empty cup and most likely will end with resentments. I

healthy professional boundaries

In life, people are always going to rely on us. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to help when we are able without causing ourselves stress, resentments, and other negative emotions. Your setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are where you will start to take back some of your freedom.

Healthy boundaries allow us to say no far easier and without guilt or shame. We may be led to feel guilty or shameful and in those cases the “guilt trip” shows a lack of respect for your boundaries! You’re willing to cause stress in your own, single life whereas the individual who relies on you shows little to no respect for your healthy boundaries and decisions.

Healthy Boundaries Allow For Better Choices For Your Health and Well-Being

This one hits home for me personally and allows me to see my growth in a few areas. I was very attracted to the mind and body of a woman a few months ago, probably around March of 2022. We agreed to go out on a date, as I am not bringing women to my house until we are very committed and have plans of moving the relationship forward. We dated a few times. She was well aware I was an alcoholic who had a good amount of sober time leading up to one crucial night.

Her brother was playing one of those “pretend we are those people” type of band where they play – very well – a famous artists songs. I forgot what you call that band and pretend wasn’t proper to use there. As I digress, she invited me to go. As I arrived at the location I sent her a text and asked her if she was aware she invited me to a bar. She answered she did know and didn’t think it was a problem so long as I didn’t drink.

Even to this day, I am not at a place where I see any need to frequent a bar. I left and thanked her for her brief companionship but that we were best off to end it then and there.

Years ago, before I began developing healthy boundaries, I would have probably went in. She was a fantastic woman, very witty and a pleasure to be around. She didn’t respect my healthy boundaries enough to ask if going to a bar would be a problem. Maybe for you there is a diet you have to stick to and people constantly invite you out to eat. That is well and great however, for me at least, aren’t so many times you want to spend $16 on a salad before you say enough?

Although often times healthy boundaries are not life and death, they very well can be. I am completely convinced I am going to die if I drink again. Maybe not instantly, however addiction is extremely progressive and not something I am willing to chance again. This can be dealing with stress in a relationship, or a job as I mentioned above. I firmly believe stress and anxiety are secret killers as they have been shown to contribute to heart disease.

Negative emotions have the potential to kill you. Healthy boundaries have a much better chance to be preventative measures. This is incredibly important for people who have suffered PTSD in relationships! Healthy boundaries will let you know when to say no. Saying no can potentially save you having to put in the work you already have to get better.

Setting healthy boundaries and your health are tough. I have met many people who are addicted to a variety of things yet they had no idea. As I coach them I ask numerous hypothetical questions based around their healthy boundaries. Many times, and I see it regularly while coaching, we have no idea how many ways we could get hit with something. Making life changes should almost have a “prerequisite” of setting healthy personal boundaries!

Let’s Look at a Quick Example of Healthy Boundaries

healthy boundaries in relationships
healthy boundaries

Look at those two pictures for a little bit. Times up, somewhat kidding, however I will attempt to show how they can look very similar to healthy boundaries as well as unhealthy boundaries. I won’t take much time on this, however I felt this to be a great contrast on the positive and negative healthy boundaries.

The image on the left is an example of bad personal boundaries. The fence looks like it offers some form of security, people will have to be careful getting in. However once they are in, it looks like they have free reign to an entire pasture right? Can you see how it may be difficult if they are running around, trying to catch them and get them back out? Even if you did, they are probably able to cut somewhere down the line and re-enter, right?

Look at the fence on the right now, this is our example of positive healthy boundaries. Compared to the image on the left this one looks like it’s very tough to penetrate. That’s the point, people may try and turn around instead of risking an attempt at sneaking in! Even if they were brave enough to try and get in, they will probably be swarmed by guards and immediately escorted. With this fence, or positive healthy boundaries, they have a much lower chance at sneaking in and causing damage or chaos!

Draw your own analogy around those two fences, make sure you are considering healthy boundaries as well as negatively healthy boundaries. Do you see the difference between having, and not having, healthy boundaries?

Having Healthy Boundaries Can Feel Absolutely Liberating!

Healthy boundaries, especially if you have gone a long time with out them, can eventually feel extremely freeing and liberating. When you consider the fact that you are able to help someone, however also have the ability to maintain your peace and tranquility you should feel empowered. When does that empowered feeling come after you set healthy boundaries? For me it was after saying no.

If you are in a relationship, children or friends, spouse or “special friend you will most likely find resistance after you set what you believe to be healthy boundaries for yourself. I did with a few different relationships.

I also had someone throw their healthy boundary around me when I was causing them issues! That hit me like a sack of bricks, however I was taking them down a bad path in their sobriety. I wasn’t anywhere close to being in recovery however made it seem like I did, until I was in meetings with slurred speech. He lovingly told me he didn’t want me to call him if I had began drinking but rather before and that that was what he was there for.

He explained that although I was an imposing figure, and surely gave him an attitude (which I don’t remember as I began blacking out after the call) he had to. I was affecting his attitude at home, his desire to be a sponsor, and his views toward me. He has the upmost respect for me, when I’m sober, and after discussing it have maintained a very close friendship still. In fact I call him roughly 5 times a week!

Setting healthy boundaries was freeing for him. I am quite sure it will be for you also. Give them a shot! Contact us here and we will see how we can help you! Also, take our flag ship course Lasting Change and thank us later, you can access that and the discounted rates on our coaching services here.

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Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

The Boundaries Book – 8 Chapters About the Importance of Boundaries and How To Better Appreciate and Use Them!

boundaries book includes setting boundaries in a relationship

We are starting off with something good, I’m calling this next segment the Boundaries Book! This segment will hopefully open your eyes to what the “Boundaries Book” contains! In fact, I plan to refer to this as the “Boundaries Book” because that is what we are going to do, go over everything you can possibly think about that relate to boundaries! Everything we will talk about will be mapped out in the Table of contents, you will see a brief review of the topic and then be able to venture off and read a full article on the topic! As of the time of this writing, They’re all free, I just like the Boundaries Book theme and name.

Why Do We need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

The easiest way to explain the importance of boundaries for me is to look at my dog. She doesn’t go out front because she’s a big kid, she loves people, she will surely run into the street. She also loves other dogs (except for the one next door and across the street) but other dogs don’t care for her. She’s extremely fast and runs circles across around our tenants dogs which aggravates them, you can see personal boundaries in dogs easily (cats are just mean).

Much like her, I have my own boundaries. When I’m on my game it’s evident, when I’m off it’s equally as evident. I can’t go to bars, I can’t be around negativity, and I can’t swear. Those are very healthy boundaries for me. I’m in recovery from severe alcoholism so hanging at a bar isn’t the brightest idea – if you hang around the barber shop long enough you will get a hair cut. If I hang around the bar long enough, that water will turn into a Spirit of some kind…. not a good Holy Spirit either.

This is the first part of the Boundaries Book because it lays the foundation for the rest! Read more about the topic here.

Do You Have Boundary Issues?

save your codependent relationship

I don’t know, do you? All kidding aside, this chapter will help you determine if you have boundary issues as described in the Boundaries Book! This looks at you, the most controllable entity in your life regardless of where you are and what is thrown at you! According to the Boundaries Book, you really need to check this one out and can read this chapter in the Boundaries Book here!

What are Personal Boundaries?

What good would the Boundaries book be if we didn’t discuss this ever important topic?! Probably still a good and enlightening read, surely something that could help you. You’ll enjoy the Boundaries Book series of articles regardless, but this is a crucial topic to fully understand. I will give a few examples as well! Check out this Boundaries Book Segment here.

Why are Personal Boundaries Good for You?

Similar to the last Boundaries Book article, this one touches on why having personal boundaries are important. We will use examples in here so you get a full understanding of the concept!

Poor Boundaries and Intimate Relationships, There’s Suffering Ahead!

This can lead to many red flag type relationships if you are not careful! Even if it doesn’t damage the entire relationship, it can cause harm that may be tough to work out. Read about this topic in the Boundaries Book here.

What do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

They look like the glistening of the sun on a drop of dew hanging from the leaf of a tree. Beautiful and easy to appreciate, but one good blow and they’re gone!

boundaries book includes setting boundaries in a relationship

Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries?

Is it ever too late to set healthy boundaries? Maybe, maybe not! The “Boundaries Book” looks at this topic and will provide a few scenarios, probably some you can relate to!

How do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

boundaries book set boundaries fix a relationship by setting boundaries create boundaries in a marriage
THE pinnacle course on creating change in your life!

Boundaries, especially while involved in a relationship can have amazing benefits or dire consequences. This is not 100% in your hands, the outcome that is, but does start with you. You set boundaries by applying what you learn in the course above! Get in now while the getting is good because the awesome content you see in the “Boundaries Book” series of articles is going to be turned into its own mini course for those who struggle with boundaries in relationships!

Until then, read this article which is most likely the last one until we wrap up our segment called the Boundaries Book!

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Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

Can You Fix a Codependent Relationship? Yes – Here Are 5 More Ways Starting Today

can you fix a codependent relationship can you fix a codependent marriage

The last post we covered how to save a codependent relationship and we listed off 5 of 10 ways that are known to help fix a codependent relationship. Again, they take work! I may sound like a broken record, but once it sticks it will make sense. The reason it takes time to fix a codependent relationship, or really any habit or trait we have developed over time, is because we learn through repetition. We like, as living things do, to follow the path of least resistance. That includes when we want to find joy in life and salvage as well as fix a codependent relationship.

Because we have to pay the bills, and because we have seen truly remarkable results – here is a commercial space for our Lasting Change course. And yes, it has helped people who struggle with codependency issues! Click the banner below and then come back and finish reading this article.

can you fix a codependent relationship

Get Ready for Resistance When You Begin to Fix a Codependent Relationship

Who likes change? Nobody, and when you are serving the needs day in and day out as a people pleaser, the one receiving may push back hard. When you are working toward trying to fix a codependent relationship, you will probably face resistance. I have seen this a few times in my intimate relationships, especially lately. And although I am not actively trying to fix a codependent relationship, I saw areas where they could.

One situation was where someone was cleaning a packed car and I went over to drop something off. She was stressed to the max and was cleaning the car out in the heat. She asked a few people for a hand and nobody did, but they were quick with the gripes on how long it took and that they were running late for vacation. So I gave her a hand. She didn’t know what to do with herself, when I help especially if it’s a stressful situation I pretty much take over and “clean house” effectively.

It is typical for her to do a lot to please other people. That’s “who she is” because that’s who she let’s herself be. She was never a client, but a close friend/ex. She is slowly growing boundaries and although I don’t agree with them, there is some progress. She gets resistance when she asks for help. When she tries to make changes, people think the world is going to end! Easy Street gets a detour and it is typically not well received. If you want to fix a codependent relationship, you need to place a detour sign on easy street…

Although her experience was with a family, it just goes to show you can fix a codependent relationship that isn’t romantic. It can be in the house, in a work place, in a club. You name it, you can find a codependent relationship in any situation. My favorite book that explains this in the simplest terms is “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” which I HIGHLY encourage adults to read for themselves as well as their children.

Practice Saying No

can you fix a codependent relationship can you fix a codependent marriage

Saying no to people you love, especially when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship can be very tough. You’re used to saying yes, and it’s all but assumed you will say yes. This gets dicey when you start enacting change. You know you want to say no, but it’s almost like the word gets stuck leaving your mouth, right?

There’s freedom in saying no though! Much more than guilt or shame. When you’re trying to fix a codependent relationship saying no is important. What you’re doing is slowly increasing your role in the relationship. You’re justified in doing so, because it’s a relationship not a master/servant scenario.

Look Through the Eyes of Someone Else

I used to love playing pretend as a child, and it taught me how to be empathetic and really understand where people were coming from. When you are trying to fix a codependent relationship that could be the best way to start. Even if you don’t start here, it really needs to be in the plans.

You can do this yourself, or literally by asking someone outside of the codependent relationship what their thoughts are. What do they suggest? Another way is to look at your relationship through their eyes. If you were them, how would they fix your relationship? Or actually, how would you fix theirs, that makes more sense to ask it that way.

Fix A Codependent Relationship With Help!

save your codependent relationship

If things in your relationship started great but got tougher, or you felt more pressure, as time went on it may be wise to get help. We obviously help with this all the time and you can contact us here for our relationship coaching or simply you for life coaching! In life we normally need a second set of eyes as it is no different when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship! Sometimes outside, professional help is needed and that’s okay!

Ask for Help to Fix a Codependent Relationship, Start Small!

Practice small things like if you, for example, typically clear off the table after dinner ask for people to scrape their plates into the rubbish! It starts with the small stuff. What you’re doing when you do this is slowly getting used to asking for help, and importantly letting people realize even if subconsciously that you may need a hand!

Start Taking Space up to Fix a Codependent Relationship!

Some people call this finding their voice, I call it taking space. Either way this is when you would slowly start interjecting yourself into the decisions and choices. You would be voicing your opinion, you would be taking your share of the relationship. This is typically the culmination for most people when they successfully fix a codependent relationship.

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Relationship Coaching Uncategorized

A Wrap Up! Handle Resentment In A Relationship The Last 9 Ways!

mindset training to help you change your attitude an original meme

Are resentment in a relationship the only kind of resentments out there? Nope. When you think about it, and it makes sense, a lot of the resentments we have looked at do focus on more intimate relationships, such as resentment in a relationship, resentment in marriage, and etc. You could have been hurt as I mentioned in a previous post by a church as I was when they parted ways with a recovery group I am in. I still feel it was a foolish move, however it is what it is and the group is still active and fine. I digress. We also discussed how to look inward and how to accept your feelings so what else have we got?

Handle Resentment in a Relationship By Accepting Life on Life’s Terms

Another popular topic in recovery circles such as Celebrate Recovery or Narcotics Anonymous is the idea we have to live life on life’s terms. Sometimes that way of taking care of a resentment in a relationship is tougher, like what if they don’t change?! Well in that case, and if you want to save a codependent relationship (which I have found most to be) it could take a combination of therapy and life coaching. We can help, however I feel this topic is cut back too much. Because for me, I couldn’t live life on life’s terms I had to have my hands in something fixing problems, because that’s what we do correct? No, that’s codependency at it’s finest.

So how do we live life on life’s terms? For me it was surrendering what I can’t control, accepting the fact that I am not God and sometimes I need help navigating a situation. I’m far better now than I was, but it takes work. I reflect daily on how to best resolve situations from many different vantage points, but a big part of it is living the Serenity Prayer to the best of my ability. This helps me a lot when I have to take care of a resentment in a relationship. Sometimes I can’t salvage them and that’s okay.

Sometimes I need to ensure I have higher boundaries, and that’s okay. Sometimes I need to realize I don’t know what I don’t know and that’s also okay… Talk it out with us if you’re stuck, because otherwise you’re just taking away from the rest of your life.

resentment in a relationship

Can Meditation Help Handle a Resentment in Your Relationships?

Maybe. Meditating is a REALLY good exercise to practice. I’d even recommend throwing some guided imagery in there as we talked about guided imagery for anxiety relief here.

What meditating could do to potentially help with a resentment in a relationship is reduce your “negative charge”. I won’t go in depth on the benefits of meditation, however it is helpful. I have found guided imagery in meditation can help reduce the animosity in a relationship from your end.

Use Some Empathy to Help With Your Resentment in A Relationship

Have you ever heard the saying put yourself into the other person’s shoes? Empathy is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse with me. I am an extremely empathetic person. I can look at a situation from 20 different ways (I’ve never counted, I’m just assuming and like the number 20).

But when I’m mad, it’s tough for me to be empathetic with someone. But I will tell you, when I look at the why instead of the what of how I am offended or feeling negatively, I find that sometimes “I get it”. It may not make me okay with whatever they did, however it does make it easier to gain an understanding with them or the situation.

Do NOT Get Even!

Another uncomfortable place to be is when you want to get even. At the time, it may seem like a good idea, maybe even justified in how to handle a resentment in a relationship. For instance, earlier this year I had a couple grab a few coaching sessions, they had been together for a while.

One partner cheated a few times and the other knew. Instead of addressing the cheating, they cheated back. Then the other returned favor again. What was left was a family (with children) who played a tit for tat game of unfaithfulness. I asked them which time in their cheating they felt better. They both had remorse and wanted to get past the cheating issue. But how?

It starts with not getting even. I would suggest if it is safe mentally and physically to handle the situation when it occurs. But when we are feeling pain or in a charged emotional state, good or bad, we do not typically think straight. First we would want to wait until we are calm. Next, address how you feel or what you believe happened and how it made you feel. Do not “go off” on them, in fact guard your tongue. When we argue and begin shouting and name calling there’s a huge chance we are not going to address the topic that needs to be addressed.

Handle Resentment in a Relationship BEFORE it Happens!

Sounds kind of crazy right? How could you have a resentment before you have any kind of relationship with someone? Because your expectations of what the relationship will or won’t consist of may be haywire.

When we enter into relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, we may have an idea of where it will go or bring with it. For instance, I had a LOT of resentments against me in the past. I am very easy to talk to and a people’s person.

Quite a few women had a romanticized idea in their head that I was into them in a way I assured them later I wasn’t, but I enjoyed their friendship. I love people and interacting with them. One girl actually began talking to another girl I was actually interested in to inform her we had something going on. That was a messy end to a friendship because she let a resentment in a relationship grow when there was no need.

So what could I have done? Maybe a few times let them know I enjoyed their friendship or acquaintance. I could have asked them what they wanted from our friendship and how I could be a better friend. I could have acknowledged what I expected in friendships, maybe a bit of time but nothing crazy like needing to hangout every day. On the contrary, they could have expressed their thoughts, ideas, and questions toward me. At the end of the day it is all water under the bridge now.

Look at Yourself Before the Other to Help Handle Resentment in a Relationship

Look within is a powerful concept for many areas of life, and you know by now after reading some posts that I firmly believe we should reflect more. This is another area to reflect on when you have a resentment in a relationship AND you are at a point where you are going to address it! Look at the picture below and we will talk about it briefly before moving on to the next way to handle resentment in a relationship

Obviously we do not walk around with planks in our eyes. However, we also need to see why we are upset, which is similar to what we discussed earlier about looking within. This focuses more on the “I” aspect of your relational issue. You have to own your own experience because you are the only one who has those feelings.

Instead of saying “I can’t forgive you and you screwed up our friendship” remove some of the “blame” and add yourself to the issue. Maybe “what you said was very hurtful and we need to resolve this.” Something along those lines, in switching the blame you are removing the fuse before it gets lit during the conversation! It is better to handle the resentment in a relationship than spreading the fire. In fact, every single relationship you are in will probably have a resentment of some type!

The People You Associate With Could Help The Resentment in a Relationship Ahead of Time

There’s a saying that you are the same as the company you keep. Forget that. You need good, quality, wholesome people in your circle. You need friends who can get together and have a great time of course, but it’s also important to have different circles of friends. Sure you’ll learn a bit from each but I am getting at something different.

I have a lot of the answers if I sit and reflect on things, but I love bouncing ideas I am torn on off of other people. It doesn’t hurt them because not only is the idea not physical when I bounce it (corny joke), but it also helps greatly when I have a resentment in a relationship!

In fact, I bet if we handled things differently the resentment in my marriage would have been dealt with potentially outside of divorce. I’m happy things ended up the way they did and wish my ex wife nothing but the best. But we both held our resentment against each other in! If we entrusted our issues with good and Godly people, the resentment in a relationship could have turned into a detour rather than a road closure.

Another good aspect to having good and positive people around leads into our next topic.

Allowing People to Make Mistakes Will Kill a Resentment in a Relationship Fast

I mentioned at the end that good positive and Godly people will help you with a resentment in a relationship. One thing I learned from people the last few years is forgiveness and acceptance. I struggled bad with alcoholism until 2020, and many people had reason to have resentment in a relationship as I was a truck load of trouble. I was damaged, hurt, confused, and filled with guilt as well as shame. So what happened? They accepted and knew I wasn’t trying to hurt or upset them, but I had no clue how to stop the spiral I had in my life.

Positive people will see the good in you. For a while I had almost zero friends. I ended a long career as a gang member and if I didn’t want to go back, how could I keep them around? I didn’t, but I didn’t feel as though I would fit in with other crowds. Let me tell you, having good and uplifting people around is a blessing.

My brothers and sisters in Celebrate Recovery was a God send. Nobody judged when I mentioned I relapsed, or came back over two years later regularly. They believed in me when I couldn’t and that is what having a good bunch of people around will do for you.

Nobody is perfect, and maybe the Bible passage above fits best here, but it fits in both sections. People, including myself, are not perfect. Having people in different friend circles will allow you to address a resentment in a relationship with another person who is completely neutral to the situation.

Speaking of it, I’m going to do a post on the power of people eventually. They will be there for you to bounce an idea off. They will listen with your best interest at heart and hopefully not tell you what your tickling ears want to hear but rather the truth.

We Now Know How to Handle Resentment in a Relationship, But It’s Not Goodbye…

We made it to the end of our segment on how to handle resentment in a relationship! Your friends, spouse, and anyone else you deal with will most likely be greatful when you practice anything in any of these posts because of a few reasons. We are being more compassionate, accepting, as well as realistic when we practice the 10 methods I mentioned.

Sometimes we may only be able to the Serenity Prayer I will be leaving below and loving our person, people, or group from a far. If you find you are stuck in resentment and just can’t seem to get out of it, contact us and we will surely help you out just click here and get the ball rolling! We have a passion for helping people, and from we are told it really shows! Don’t forget to check out our course on creating lasting change, especially with resentments here!

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Mindset Coaching Relationship Coaching

11 Ways on How to Handle Resentment Against Someone Starting Now!

Resentments are no fun at all. In our last post we looked at what could be triggers for resentment. Without having too long of a post, I decided we could just do a Part 2 if you would. This post is all about how to handle resentment against someone, probably the first of many. You could also say it’s how to handle resentment, but we need a target. Not for practice, but how to overcome that resentment because at the end of the day, all it is going to do is wear you down. Who needs more stress in their day? I’d say nobody, let’s look at the ways on how to handle resent against someone.

How to handle resentment against someone? Start With Acceptance!

how to handle resentment against someone

Nobody wants to accept the fact they harbor ill feelings against someone, however this is the number one place if you want to work on how to handle resentment against someone. You’re going to have to practice acceptance of how you feel. Your emotions are valid. This isn’t good for just handling a resentment, but negative emotions toward another person in general.

What happens when we allow ourselves to accept and feel our emotions? It’s the beginning of a freedom feeling. Trust me, I’ve been there and you have to “feel it to believe it!” One common mistake people make when trying to accept their feelings is they bottle them up. This isn’t just counter productive, it can be dangerous for your mental health! Have you ever seen an individual simply “lose it” for no reason, or maybe because their was a spec of food left over on a plate? Not allowing yourself to feel your feelings is not a good place to be in. It’s added stress which is not good and works against how to handle resentment against someone!

Think of a backpack that is stuffed beyond what it is capable of holding, or a volcano with an incredible amount of gasses and whatever else they have inside them. What is going to happen if more gasses build up or we try and stretch the backpack a bit more? There’s a tremendously higher chance it will blow up, right?

emotional freedom how to handle resentment against someone

Sticking with acceptance regarding how to handle resentment against someone, you may want to take a review on our article on self talk. The reason I suggest that is because you are going to need to remember to be kind to yourself. This is especially true if you’ve been “packing the backpack” for a while. You’re going to have all sort of emotions and thoughts come up! Imagine clearing out the drain for the kitchen sink in a house that’s poured a gallon of grease down it a day. It will probably take a while to get it all out and some of it may come up out of the blue. That’s okay! When working on how to handle a resentment against someone, your drain may occasionally keep burping stuff up. Don’t push it back down, get rid of it. You need to be your own best friend here.

Don’t rush to judgement against yourself either! This goes back to mindset coaching techniques where we practice nice, pleasant, uplifting self talk. This is especially true if you are hard on yourself by nature! You may want to say “I worked on how to handle resentment against someone and look, a week later I am still dealing with it!” It’s not fair to judge yourself including how you feel. Again, your feelings are valid.

In “Conquer Fear” I wrote about the Serenity Prayer. If Christianity isn’t your thing, I apologize. For me, it works tremendously and is a part of almost everything I do. This next part of this article will speak specifically on that, a Christian viewpoint. Why is knowing how to handle resentment against someone important for a Christian? Because it’s sin… and we are called to not sin, right? Look at this verse and think about it:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24

One of the most profound things I learned while working toward my Master’s degree was that God is the Great Counselor. He’s more than a few pay grades above me, and I am not ashamed to say that I have had countless sessions with Him. When I am surrendering my recovery and sobriety to Him daily, if there’s something there He gives a reminder. It’s almost like He is saying “Hey Jay, thanks for trying to glorify me! BUT, you sort of need to go over these feelings against someone first.” God knows a thing or two about how to handle resentment against someone.

We are humans who follow Christ. We are going to run into roadblocks and could stumble. But working on your relationship with Him and expressing your feelings to Him is freeing. Very freeing. It’s also freeing to discuss them with a close friend. Maybe we can’t, nor should we, immediately go directly to the source of our hurt. Processing our feelings is where we need to start. There’s wisdom in counsel, that’s discussed in the Word also!

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Mindset Coaching Uncategorized

Am I In A Codependent Relationship? 10 Ways to Know AND Ways to (Potentially) Save It!

What Is A Codependent Relationship?

In layman’s terms, a codependent relationship is a crappy relationship that will leave you feeling nervous, empty, and not happy. Another way to describe this type of red flag relationship is that it typically contains a giver and a taker. They can start very subtly and grow into a beast that can be tough to see, but there are ways out! So how do we figure out if we are in one? We have a list below with 10 “symptoms”. And also a quiz that can be taken here.

In a Codependent Relationship You Don’t Matter!

To everyone else you may, but to you they come before first. Way before you. In fact if you are the giver, you probably can’t afford to offer yourself self care (say that 10 times fast). It is extremely common to feel good when the taker is happy, it is also common for you to feel extremely guilty when you find yourself enjoying yourself. What is really scary about this symptom of a codependent relationship is that eventually you begin trying to pour from an empty cup.

It’s An Extremely One Sided Relationship. A One Sided Codependent Relationship

I sort of hinted in the opening paragraph about this one. It’s possible to have two codependent people in a relationship, however a giver and taker are more common. This symptoms has one person being a harder worker, picking up the slack for someone without necessarily realizing it. For example, the giver works all day and comes home and does whatever they asked the taker to do. There may be resentment, but typically nothing is said.

one way relationship

“I have to Save Them… From Themselves!”

This is where the giver acts more like a caregiver than a friend or significant other. What are you saving them from? It could be their addiction, it could be their anger also, do they “not do things” right in your eyes and you have to help them? You can feel like you want their “issues” to be solved more than anyone, including themselves! At the end of the day it is entirely up to them to create a lasting change. That includes all of their flaws, addictions, and whatever else is wrong for them. If you’re the sole care taker for them and they keep making the same mistakes you my friend are in a codependent relationship.

You’re The Potter, They’re The Clay

codependent relationship signs of codependent relationship codependent relationship quiz

This sign of a codependent relationship is extremely unhealthy. If you were someone else looking at it, you would probably even say “they don’t even really love them because they are trying to change them!” This is where the idea of the potter and the clay come in. You have them in this heap and you are constantly trying to adjust and decorate them so they become more of your dream person.

Take It Easy? Get Out of Here With That Evil Talk!

Similar, all of these traits are if you think about it, to another symptom of a codependent relationship this focuses on your selfishness. Do you feel off when you’re taking care of them? Asked in another way, when you’re by yourself with your feet in grass at a park or in a stream do you feel selfish for not doing something for them? Doing what? Well you should be doing something for them instead of taking care of yourself, right?

“Feeling excessive guilt for doing anything for yourself is another major characteristic,”

Dr. Derrig

How Do You Feel About Your Relationship? Well That’s a Tricky Question…

Do you find it tough to realize what is tough and what is glorious in your relationship? Is it a relationship where you have mixed feelings or emotions about, well all of it? Reflection is a beautiful and powerful tool we can use in life, and we thoroughly encourage it when we are engaged in mindset coaching. When you’re in a codependent relationship you find yourself more worried about their feelings than yours. The next one is a huge sign. Look at it after this picture break.

the most codependent creature alive
She is probably the most codependent “person” I know. She’s a sweetheart though.

Where Are They? I’m About to Freak Out!

One of the most common signs of a codependent relationship is feeling sick, worried, nervous, or that the world is going to fall apart if you haven’t heard from them. Have they read your message is a thought you wonder constantly, are they okay?! They must be doing something wrong or they could be in trouble. Quickly to the Stress Mobile to go and rescue them! Is that how it goes in your head? This is a symptom that you are in a codependent relationship. “Why am I like this?!” Well, it’s become you have probably become dependent on them, hence the term codependent relationship.

There’s Nobody Here!

Another sign you have entered or helped to create a codependent relationship is that you have trouble being alone. This can be either from the taker of the relationship or the fact you literally can’t care (read it as self care) for yourself. This is extremely common and a potential root cause has been from over-involved or under-involved parents when you were a little drool tot yourself. When you’re alone, you can’t put your focus into someone else and that bothers you.

I Can’t Make It Fred Has 5 Minutes Off in 5 Hours so I have to Be Available

If you are routinely cancelling plans because you need to spend time with your partner or whoever is the taker you are in a what? A codependent relationship, great guess! You may cancel plans with your family or other things, even attending a concert you were really looking forward to! Again, this is another red flag relationship symptom.

Your Home Isn’t Your Home

Did you ever redecorate something to make it more like home, for someone else? There is nothing wrong at all with making someone feel comfortable in your house, the difficulty comes when you make it all theirs. Here’s a tip if you get really down the second they leave, reorganize a small itty bitty section so that it feels more like “yours” when they aren’t there.

“I Hate to Bug You But… Nevermind, I’m Sorry”

Hate speaking up and voicing your opinion to them? You don’t feel like you are intimidated by them, but you need them happy and speaking up, well you may hear something you do not want to. Did I nail this one in your relationship? If so, let’s talk. This one hits home and even until somewhat recently maybe a year ago I was personally stuck here. I’m not anymore and that makes me feel tremendously free. In this symptom/sign of a codependent relationship you’re literally pushing your feelings aside and not giving them a chance to be validated. Guess what…. YOU have valid feelings!

The Big One…. B-B-B-Boundaries.. YIKES!

You finally get the guts and smallest sense of self worth to speak up and place boundaries, but they spiral out of control! The taker loses their crap, right? Setting up boundaries is going to be different and potentially scary for anyone involved. It’s different, right? It’s uncomfortable and they may feel like you are almost taking away from them! Welcome to the pain of a codependent relationship.

How Can We (Maybe) Save a Codependent Relationship?

codependent relationship quiz codependent relationship examples

I am really strict (read also being adamant) about my boundaries being respected, but in the beginning it was tough. When I took a step back and saw the pains and hell of a codependent relationship, I became aware that the negatives outweighed the positives. Most of the list I can easily relate to. I took some time for myself and I started to flourish. We had a very good patch after, but my biggest change was realizing I didn’t need her. I wanted her. I needed God first and foremost! I mean, He did save me from severe alcoholism.. Anywho there’s my mini testimonial. If the relationship was to be saved, how would we do it? Let’s look at the condensed list below, or you can jump into the Lasting Change Course we created! People are loving it and there’s amazing discounts that go along with it! Grab it right here, you won’t regret it!

Can it be Saved? Here’s The List!

  • Get UNBIASED (incredibly important) OUTSIDE perspective and CONSIDER that insight
  • Work on it together, do all parties want a healthy relationship? Get to working on it!
  • How is your value system doing these days? MAKE time to reflect – this is healthy and something we NEED to do in life! No guilt about it either.
  • Look at your earliest relationships, has this been a common trend?
  • Agree on the healthy boundaries! (Coach Jay is a beast at this when used as a “referee”), set them, and work on them! Do not expect perfection overnight
  • Be dedicated to the process of healing your codependent relationship.
  • Allow the giver to take. If the taker is reading this, be comfortable giving a little.
  • We all have feelings, EXPRESS THEM and when you get them toward you, ask for explanation when you are not sure!
  • Realize you are in a codependent relationship and you want it fixed!

Should I Leave?

If it is obscenely abusive emotionally or mentally, yes. If it’s physical GET OUT OF THERE! Those are literally the signs.

I Am In A Codependent Relationship, What do I do Now?!

There are a few things you can do. Get cracking on the “Can I Save it List”. Grab a consultation with us, explain the situation and we will help you work out a plan to get it done. If it’s safe (important consideration) for your physical safety, sign up for our Relationship Coaching and we will get through this together! Realize this is a process and there has to be change and take advantage of our course at it’s low price that you can use again and again and again! Grab the Guided Steps Lasting Change Course Here.

Realize This…

You matter, you have feelings, you have opinions, you have ideas. You have this ONE life and it is not too late to start turning it around NOW. The power is in your hands to change. Start believing in yourself because I sure believe in you. It’s time to stop the codependent relationship and enjoy a fruit bearing, mutually beneficial, and exciting relationship!