Tag: boundaries

Categories
Relationship Coaching Uncategorized

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Look Like… 18 Examples!

So far we have seen that with healthy boundaries relationships are the exact opposite of codependent tendencies. We have seen this all throughout the Boundaries Book pretty much in each of the preceding articles/chapters. This article is going to show a bit more of what, how, and with healthy boundaries relationships should look. Know what that means? We are going example heavy, because how else could we see the picture healthy boundaries relationships paints? Let’s get cracking! We will have a yes and a no for each topic.

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Have More Respect

Yeah, you read that right! There is more respect in them. Now is that going to come immediately? If the relationship in question is established already, we will be teaching old dogs new tricks – that goes for all involved including yourself. You’ll be giving acceptable respect, and you will be expecting respect! Let’s see how healthy boundaries in relationships look:

healthy boundaries relationships
With healthy boundaries relationships allow for yes and no when either is necessary

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, I wanted chicken, I’m not eating this crap.” “I’m sorry Billy Bubblebutt, I’ll make your dino chickie nuggies instead of this filet minon right away!”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, make my nuggets NOW! I’m not eating this steak!” “You’re going to eat what I made, I told you I was making this when you asked 5 times after school. Also, you do NOT talk to me like that you’re grounded for 3 days. You’re not watching ballerinas in pajamas this weekend Billy.”

Do you see how mom takes control in the first verses the second example?

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Share the Blame

As codependents, we have a tendency to take blame for things that aren’t our faults and a large chunk of the time do not even involve us. With healthy boundaries relationships blame allows you to accept when you made a mistake, but not force the issue to convict you. Other times, especially if this has been the way the relationship has gone, your partner may blame you when it isn’t your fault!

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I’m sorry you missed the ball champ, I should have held it in front of you so you could hit it when you were done staring at the bird flying.”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I can’t swing the bat for you, if it’s too fast let me know that. I’m not a mind reader buddy, nice swing though!”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “You made me crack the omelette, you gave me the wrong spatula. Breakfast is ruined.” “I’m sorry, let me have the place down the street deliver.”

Yes “The omelette is messed up, you gave me the wrong spatula. How are you going to fix this?” “It’s ruined because it was supposed to be flipped. You have the stuff out, toss that one in the trash and make another one, just flip it when it’s firm**”
** I’m a life coach not a chef, and I have admittedly never attempted to make an omelette, it should have been flipped whenever you omelette makers normally flip or fold it..

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships, You Can Say No Simply Because

When it comes to people pleasing and codependency, this one word can give us significant feelings of guilt, shame, and an overall sense we are letting people down. The most prevalent places I have seen this are at home and in the workplace. With codependency we are saving or being saved, with people pleasing we have to support and uplift them. With healthy boundaries relationships still allow for this, but not in the typical absolute sense of need we typically put on it. Even if it is going to impact us negatively, we HAVE to help!

With healthy boundaries relationships allow us to say no. If our plate is full, saying no could let people down – especially if they are used to us helping them. Especially when we begin inserting boundaries in relationships, this is the make or break point typically. We will either see progress or we won’t. With this one we are taking a more serious tone with our examples because this is a crucial area for change and improving your people pleasing and codependency tendencies.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Joe what are you doing this weekend?” “Not much just hanging out at home probably. Michelle was saying the other night even though we live together we basically only text because we don’t see each other.” “Aww come on guy, it will be a blast. I’m not taking no for an answer!” “I told her I would help paint the living room though.” “Joe, you’re coming out this weekend and catching trout – just text her and tell her something came up”

With healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Hey Joe let’s go out this weekend, party Friday and Saturday, we can recover Sunday!” “Hey Man, I appreciate the invite but I think I am going to stay in and spend a little time with Michelle I haven’t seen her all week.” “Dude, trout fishing. She will get it, you guys live together anyway!” “I really can’t, what are you doing next Saturday?” “Yes you can, I’m free every weekend for the next month I think.” “Alright I will, just not this weekend. Thanks again for the invite, send me some shots of what I miss if you catch anything this time.”

Do you see how that works? If you went with Joe’s example of not having boundaries he would probably be in turmoil because sure he wants to hangout with his friend however he promised time to his wife. If he went because, let’s say his name was Tom, was badgering him he would let Michelle down. What this would do, especially since the unhealthy boundaries showed him acting in a people pleasing way. He would start stressing most likely over how Michelle would handle it, he would instantly have resentments toward himself. His mental health would take a hit over unnecessary stress.

Let’s look at an example in terms of someone in recovery. Typically if you are strong in recovery, the following situation wouldn’t bother you too much. There’s an important saying that people brush off and they really shouldn’t, that if you hang around the barber enough you’re going to get a hair cut.

Without healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Tommy, want to come to a wedding and reception with me? It’s open bar and the party is going to be insane. I’m only doing the toast and a few drinks.” “Thanks for the offer Danielle, sounds like it will be fun. I’ve been trying to hang with you for a while but I can’t drink. I’m 3 months sober and when I’m around booze I get weak. Can’t say no, ya know?” “Come on dude, just don’t drink. I’ll make it worth your while after!” “I can’t, next time when there isn’t alcohol flowing maybe.” “You’re weak, if you can’t come with me forget it I don’t need a weak guy.” “Fine.”

Tommy went and was good for a while! He let her guilt him into it, and Tommy ended up getting a DUI charge afterward. Danielle didn’t want a guy who couldn’t drive so he got dumped anyway. Will that happen all the time? Of course not! But at 3 months, he knew his boundaries and tried to stick with them. He gave in and not only lost his clean time but also but his freedom.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Tommy, you should come to a wedding with me!” “Just the wedding or the reception too?” “Both, free booze and we could end up having a better night than the bride and groom.” “I’ll do the wedding but I don’t want to be around booze flowing like the Nile. I just got sober and don’t think it would be a good idea.” “Can’t you just have one shot with me or stay away from the bar?”

“I might be able to stay away from the bar, but one shot would be too many and 100 wouldn’t be enough you know?” “Well you’ve been bugging me to come, man up and let lose one night won’t kill you!” “May not kill me but I’ve worked hard to get here. Either another time or just forget it, I can’t be around that.” “Good for you bro, I like to drink and have fun so maybe we aren’t that compatible anyway.”

Tommy was dying to get with Danielle, but he knew his sobriety was more important. Even outside the recovery realm, sometimes we just can’t put ourselves in places that bug us. Tommy didn’t regret his decision, at first he was down but he felt empowered by finally being able to say no. With healthy boundaries relationships can have empowerment flowing freely, just like the open bar above. Empowerment does amazing things for your self esteem!

As I mentioned before, there are a few pain points that people feel in common situations. Without healthy boundaries relationships such as intimate and employee/employer related situations. Let’s focus on those, and although the mom/child situation above could be seen as intimate, let’s look more at an example with the ability to say no for healthy boundaries in relationships where it’s more of a significant other view shall we?

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to borrow your apartment for a visit!” “For what and why?” “DCF, just say I’ve lived there for a while and I’m clean and we are good.” “Are you crazy? I don’t want DCF in my house!!” “If you love me you will, just have your kids go to your mom’s or something.” “Ugh whatever.”

Little did he know that having been involved in an investigation would follow him. For whatever unreasonable reason people investigated by DCF typically have a bad following. He didn’t get custody of his 12 month old daughter because against his better judgement he let his girlfriend have the visit at his house and she dropped an empty heroin baggie from her purse accidentally in front of the worker.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to have a meeting at your place, DCF is on my case for a meeting over me neglecting Jasiel!” “Shannon, no way I can’t I’m going through a custody case for Conrad, if stuff goes south I’m screwed.” “

If you love me you will!” “Listen, I love you but I am not jeopardizing my sons. Plus I don’t want to be tied up in that, I can support you and say you’re doing good but you said last week you were sick and I know what that means. I get it, trust me I do. But for our safety, I can’t!” “Come on!” “Dude, my cousin works for the court system and told me whatever I do not to get caught up in their investigations. NO.” “Whatever, screw me over like that I knew you didn’t love me! I should have just stayed with Alex he would let me.”

“I said no, I do a lot for you. This is just something I can’t do, plus after you got out of detox and into the sober house we talked boundaries. I do feel bad for you, but if you’re just going to constantly bring me down maybe this isn’t going to work anyway.”

The scenario above is similar to something I helped coach someone through. He came to us because he was tired of getting used used in his romantic relationships and typical of codependent behaviors would put them before anything else. He unfortunately did have to end his relationship and, after advising him, did seek therapy too. He is thriving now and will be the first to tell you that standing your ground is tough but sometimes you need to for yourself. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for your decision to stand.

Last but not least, we arrive at work. Although we have an idea of what it looks like when relationships allow for healthy boundaries by saying no, work is a toughie. Some people are workaholics, and not because they necessarily love their job but because they feel obligated and needed. At times, they may be needed. When I left my position at Vitamin World, the store was closed a few months later and prior to me being employed it was set to be closed 3 months prior. I’m a great manager and I know that, I just prefer coaching versus managing.

Let’s look at an example from something I have helped coach a few people through, the situation is similar in each of their experiences. Here’s the scenario:

Jane is middle management and works for an hourly wage. She’s a mom of 2, an 11 year old and 5 year old. The 11 year old is constantly trying to get her to watch his games. Although she is divorced she has someone she is dating. She has been employed by the same company for 12 years and although is paid hourly, makes roughly $65,000 per year by herself.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane, I know you have next week off but we need your help with this. Is there anyway you can zoom in to a few meetings to help the team understand it better?”

[Important note – She has done this for years before and is never compensated for her extra work. Fun fact, even voluntarily – this violates labor law. Someone performing work for a company regardless of whether it is allowed or not is to be compensated. More of an important note, I have a BS (funny, I know) in Legal Studies however AM NOT a practicing paralegal or lawyer.]

“The company doesn’t allow for overtime and when I wrap up today I will be at 39:50.” “You’ve never asked for overtime, we could work something out maybe an early day or two to equal whatever you do at the meetings.” “Fine.”

Although she didn’t work everyday, she promised her 11 year old she would watch the game. She stayed in her car for most of the game for a meeting, and when she was by the field she was responding to text messages. “Did you see my home run?!” “Yes!” “I didn’t hit one, at least you came to the field, but I get it work is important because you need money to pay the bills.”

Even if she was getting paid, which was never guaranteed and she was using vacation time, we can see when we don’t have healthy boundaries relationships, regardless of where, will eventually spill in to other relationships. She let her son down, her unhealthy relationship has her mismanaging her most important role – her family.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane I know you’re off next week, but we need you to cover the Tuesday evening meeting. John’s on vacation and I don’t think Elliot is prepared yet, still learning the ropes you know?” “Ted, I’m on vacation too. I promised my son I’d watch his game and I want to watch his game, I’ve had this vacation planned for months now. I’m sorry I can’t.”

“Don’t you like the job?” “I do, but I love my family more. I’ll do what I can to help you guys set everything up for Elliot, but maybe ask John if he can give an hour or two from his vacation instead if that doesn’t work for you?” “But you always gave us extra help without asking” “I know, however I have been neglecting family time and probably gave this company a solid few months of unpaid help, I need this time for me.”

The clients I mentioned that had gone through the above situation or similar all showed codependent traits. It’s tough to say no, and as we had seen in other articles on this site about codependent behavior, badgering to say yes is often used. Typically, without healthy boundaries relationships with people we are close to make it tough to say no!

What’s interesting is we can in each example above see a codependent relation. There’s a giver and a taker. Codependency will always be difficult to manage if we don’t stick to our guns. There’s a book that I feel shows codependency better than any other. It’s called “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” and I highly recommend reading it and going over it with your children!

*note – If you click the book, and we would appreciate it, we may get compensation if you purchase it. We suggest this book being in your library especially if you struggle with codependent relationships as you can surely see the course of the giver and receiver.

What About Technology?

Social media has been impacting people’s lives. There’s surely a case for this, and the examples that follow are what I have heard and seen. Tpically I coach through these issues during relationship coaching. Additionally, I wrote a paper on the addictive qualities of technology during adolescence. The struggle is real. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for you to use or enjoy social media and technology! Let’s look at they it looks like when we combine both healthy boundaries and relationships.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her page!” “Sorry there was a reason I was there!”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her time line, I’m the only woman you need to look at.” “A bit controlling, but I’m on here to share something.”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Oh my gosh put your phone down.” “But I might miss a notification!”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Do you really need to stay on your phone?” “You know what, no, I can respond later.”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – Both people on their phone while at a restaurant together.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey let’s put our phones away and enjoy each other’s company.”

Categories
Relationship Coaching Uncategorized

Poor Boundaries and Intimate Relationships, There’s Suffering Ahead! (3 Ways to See That Suffering Plus a Story)

Boundaries and intimate relationships go together like a building and it’s cornerstone (no log cabins here, let’s make my analogy work). Here we are with our newest segment in the Boundaries Book! You’ll read in this article how poor boundaries lead to a life that misses out on growth, fullness, and happiness. One way we learn in life is through having a constant to learn from. I will also be putting a short, hopefully entertaining, read together at the end.

life coach hack is a life coach worth it
My dog is on a chair she isn’t supposed to be on. No poor boundaries here, she got off and went on her chair. Pretty spoiled huh, she has her own chair! She’ll let you know if you’re sitting on it too.

Poor boundaries are almost like being rushed through basic math. When we are in kindergarten, we learn one plus one (maybe first grade) equals two and we learn how letters work together. Imagine if we didn’t have time to grasp that and understand how basic words and math work, we would constantly struggle through life! It’s my intention in this article to show you how poor boundaries are like a poor education.

Poor Boundaries in Intimate Relationships

One important factor in premarital counseling is boundaries I have read, I never took premarital counseling and if I had maybe I would have remained single instead. Boundaries and “roles” are important in relationships, they help the family operate. The roles will change periodically as situations change. When the situation changes, but the roles don’t, is where poor boundaries can really become an issue.

Although I have been a coach for what seems like ages, I have noticed some things around intimate relationships and poor boundaries. Poor boundaries in family typically lead to poor boundaries in relationships outside of the family. What’s weird now, maybe in the last 10 years is the amount of acceptance in having relationships that I call “hybrid relationships”. This is the relationship that has been born in the hookup culture we live in now. Did you know that I believe these relationships are worsening not only our culture, but our mental health?

I’m not sure where our need for these hookup relationships are coming from, although I do have my own theories. It could be (literally) hookup apps like Tinder or Ashley Madison. They could also come from what we are listening too, our obsession with instant gratification, or the devil. Even birds will pick a mate to make a nest with, it’s natural and, without having poor boundaries, healthy to have one partner.

How Can we See Poor Boundaries in Relationships?

I’ll tell you off the bat that it will be tougher for you to see poor boundaries in your intimate relationships without either reflection, therapy, or coaching. Honestly, that may not be a bad order to follow (although not mandatory) if you are finding yourself unhappy or feeling no enrichment from your relationships. Although we’ve discussed codependency and if you can fix a codependent relationship previously we are adding a twist to it. You are going to see how poor boundaries influence or are influenced by a codependent relationship(s).

Poor boundaries and neediness.

If you think you see traits of codependency in this explanation you are right. The psychological word that describes neediness is codependency. Having poor boundaries is shown as neediness because we crave affection, interaction, and happiness from others. Although this is extremely rational and Maslow points out it’s psychologically healthy to want approval and affection poor boundaries will have us go about it in a detrimental way.

poor boundaries in relationship this image is of a doormat which is a type of codependency which shows problems in the relationship

With poor boundaries we can typically sacrifice our own needs and wants to get the “love”, which is what was mentioned above encompassed into a single word, we crave. We will also put our identity in that person or those people and blame them for our emotions and actions! I’m still researching it, because I’m a dork as mentioned above, but it seems as if this allows us to enter a state where we are living in a victim mentality and that person’s job is to save us. When they fail at that, the poor boundaries we are living with help bring out the codependent tendencies such as bitterness and resentment.

As we have seen previously, the giver and taker are almost magically drawn together due to their personalities. Neediness is also shown in the need to save someone, and I can relate to this as I was there myself. What ends up happening is we feel bad because of their emotions or actions because we take the blame for them!

Expectations and poor boundaries

This is another sign that you have poor boundaries, and also teeters on the idea of neediness (seems like all of these symptoms work together, doesn’t it? Hmm….). Have you ever received something from someone and although you liked it the value of it was instantly gone when you find out why you received it? Poor boundaries show with unrealistic expectations and ulterior motives. When something is given or done for people with the expectation of something or assumption you will get something in return the value is lost.

I was speaking with my great friend and sponsor about this. He mentioned we would typically do something but it always had a price tag. We wanted either a thank you or praise for what we had just done. This isn’t healthy and in relationships with poor boundaries it shows when someone is saving someone. It typically isn’t because they care about the person or the issue, but that they want the receiver to feel better about the giver. I will explain this in the video below (way below, keep reading about poor boundaries eould ya?).

Have you ever seen someone who seems to be around drama no matter the place or situation, there’s just drama following them? The most likely culprits for this, yeah it’s them – or you – are that person involving themselves in everyone else’s business or they are actually creating the problem themselves. Sounds crazy right, why would anyone even dream of creating a problem when there are no issues?! That’s what this section is all about.

The individual could be creating problems when there are none so that they can look like the hero. Where I mentioned that we help with a price tag, this is what I am talking about. The problem is there so they can fix it and get all the love and positive emotions they are craving. In more advanced situations, this becomes a sign of serious disorders one that comes to mind was the psycho nurse who would have to come and save people or babies because they were dying – because of her. If you can’t tell, not fixing poor boundaries can lead to serious consequences way worse than those mentioned above or in other articles!

Back to creating the problem or always being involved in the drama, something that may not be noticed by the perpetrator doing it is they become “ugly”. Instead of being seen as a hero in a nice tapered cape, they are seen negatively as unattractive, unwelcoming, or that person nobody wants to be around. Then more people need to have problems around them because as mentioned in the paragraph above this personality issues can easily become exacerbated if not addressed. That actually leads into the last section, the viscous cycle of poor boundaries.

Poor boundaries can create a viscous cycle – can you relate?

For a quick second picture a garden with a few weeds in it; what happens if you don’t tend to those weeds? Eventually you have a forest (literally because maple trees spring up EVERYWHERE out here) full of weeds you have to go through or else you don’t enjoy the beauty of your garden, right? The viscous cycle of poor boundaries is so similar it’s insane, that and I can be pretty handy with analogies.

As with most relationships with poor boundaries and as seen typically with codependency (which is a cause of and also could stem from poor boundaries – seeing how it all acts as a cycle yet?) we have a giver and a taker. Or we have a victim (receiver/taker) and a saver (giver) and oddly enough, because it makes no rational sense but is literally the cycle (eerily similar to the progressiveness of addiction), they both get a weird high from this dysfunctional relationship. Just like the addict or the alcoholic (there is really no difference having lived that life aside from the substance) poor boundaries are typically part of a horrible roller coaster type of relationship!

With this cycle of poor boundaries, when it comes time to date someone who is emotionally healthy, they may seem really weird. The person who has the poor boundaries can often feel like there’s really no chemistry or excitement in the potential new relationship and it ends. This is because that poor boundaries cycle 1) hasn’t been addressed in the person with the poor boundaries and 2) does not fuel the cycle, it starts breaking it! So the potentially healthy relationship gets martyred for one where the victim and saver role can be filled for that emotionally turbulent “fix”.

For a quick dose of geekness, let’s dive really quickly into attachment theory. The victim or receiver is typically the anxious-attachment types while the giver or saver is the avoidant-attachment type. And if you’re wondering, by the nature of attachment types they both repel secure attachment type of individuals. Poor boundaries seem like a drag so far, don’t they?

So how does this create a poor boundaries induced viscious cycle?

I’m glad you asked (not in a poor boundaries way where I created a problem…. oh forget it, it was slightly entertaining at least for me)! The cycle is fed here starting with bad habits or poor boundaries, sometimes one and sometimes both (man, people are weird by nature huh?). The victim has never had to, never tried, or for some even deeper underlying reason is unable to hold themselves accountable for their own feelings. Why don’t they change? That’s a story for another day (literally) but it is the danger of the comfort zone – they get used to having a weird comfort living this way.

The saver on the other hand has an issue with not solving other people’s problems! They can’t fathom a life where they are not needed to throw on their self perceived super hero cape and save the day, I mean that is how they perceive they feel love! Having these poor boundaries makes it very difficult for them to find joy and be satisfied without being the super hero. As mentioned above, change is scary for the saver as well!

Is There Hope for People With Poor Boundaries?

Oh there sure as greedy politicians raising taxes hope for people with poor boundaries! As I mentioned above it can be shown and seen as a viscous cycle and I related it to addiction. That is similar to how people who suffer from poor boundaries or intimate relationships with poor boundaries have to fix it. They need a new, fresh, healthier identity of themselves instead of being a giver/taker or victim/saver.

  • In addiction, we had to first realize stuff was out of control either by our own (which is often difficult hence the need for interventions)
  • a desire for things to improve
  • and begin implementing the changes to not be so codependent anymore!

It really is that easy to fix poor boundaries in a relationship, but having done it myself it really is that tough too. It is possible though and aside from our awesome course we ar

It is only when both start the process of building self-esteem that they can begin to eliminate needy behavior and make themselves more attractive.

Let’s look at a quick example told via short story about hookup relationships and poor boundaries.

Rachel (because I was reading Genesis this morning, no disrespect to any Rachel’s!) and Greg are both partiers, meaning they like to go out and party. They love going out and having fun. Little did they know they are soul mates!

Neither stay in relationships because they are too busy being self absorbed in the fun moment. Rachel has a desire for love and that old time “The Waltons” type of love. She keeps looking for love and has an average relationship of about 3 months. Even though she gives everything away, her body, her time, her emotions, whatever the guy wants she gives it she’s always sad and miserable always feeling used and abused.

Greg has no clue what he wants. He takes whatever he can get. One woman is never really enough for him. If his girl can’t go on a date with him, he brings a new one out. By the time he is 29 after living like this Greg has more kids than Abraham’s descendants (again, I read Genesis today). He meets Rachel and she’s alright with him having a trillion children even though he pays an entire paycheck for child support.

She’s not okay with him going out with random girls though, but he’s stuck around more than 3 months so she doesn’t say anything. She gives up whatever he wants, but Greg is used to just taking what he wants so there’s never a sense of gratitude.

Eventually Rachel starts getting resentments toward Greg. Why isn’t she enough? She cooks, cleans, satisfies him, the whole 9 yards.

A few years after all of this Greg meets a girl at a library because he decided to teach nerds how to have more fun (nerds rock, don’t take offense, keep being you – I am a proud cool dork myself). Greg meets a knock out that makes his heart flutter and they start hooking up. Greg gets everything he has done to Rachel and other women from this girl! Greg learned the hard way that living a free roaming life will get you nothing.

What about Rachel? Well Rachel decided to go to church after she had been wondering why her life was a wreck, she went last where she should have went first basically, and heard a sermon on how God sees us. Rachel began seeing herself this way and boom, she got married and lived happily ever after and ministers women on the importance of boundaries.

Greg never got satisfaction from his relationships. He refused to reflect and look at his mindset as well as actions. Rachel made the changes and lived a satisfying life without hooking up constantly. Although she lived in relationship after relationship with poor boundaries she put the work in and set healthy boundaries.

What do Greg and Rachel teach us about poor boundaries?

I should add they are both typical codependents. I can also add that I can relate in the most absurd ways, and like Rachel I do not live that way anymore. Without expressing your expectations, wants and needs you set yourself up to be stepped on regularly. Poor boundaries are going to get you stuck there. If you’re curious, Greg joined a traveling circus and cleaned elephant poop (I have no idea, you are allowed to make you own ending on this one).

Regardless, they paint a picture of what poor boundaries in intimate relationships look like. Eventually we will have enough and want change, but it is up to us to make change. Ask yourself this question, “do I want this to be the rest of my life?” If not, put our proven course to work! Click here so you can start living the life you want.

poor boundaries in relationships
Categories
Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

5 Reasons We Need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

Why Do We Need Healthy Boundaries?

In our introductory article about of the Boundaries Book segment which you can read here, we discussed the need for healthy boundaries. What’s interesting about this topic is that healthy boundaries in a relationship are deeper than simply referring to intimate relationships! Just like healthy relationships such as in your love life are important, equally as are professional boundaries important!

In the intro article for the Boundaries Book, I mentioned a healthy boundary for my dog was basically the back yard. It keeps her contained and safe from dogs that would most likely eat her alive, as well as preventing her from running into the street. Healthy boundaries are incredibly important for people recovering from addiction.

Healthy Boundaries From a World View

We can look at, without getting political because this isn’t the place for it if you leave a comment, healthy boundaries from a world view. Look at almost any country in the Middle East, Afghanistan would probably be a good example compared to the United States and we can see the benefits of healthy boundaries in a relationship with a bigger picture.

healthy personal boundaries

Although Afghanistan is a country, I wouldn’t dream of calling it a sovereign nation. There are war lords that run rampant and they have extremely porous borders. Although the citizens are typically nice from what I have heard, a lot of people (terrorists) who want to do harm across the globe like the area – because their boundaries are almost non existent. I’m assuming they have some form of boundaries but I have never, nor will I ever, been there.

Although the borders are more porous than they have been in recent times, the United States is an example of a sovereign nation with mostly secured borders. Shortly after the 2001 attacks by terrorists there was another individual who tried to enter the country through I believe it was Vancouver up in Canada. They had bombs or bomb making material and were trying to enter the United States. Their attempt failed. Along with Homeland Security, our borders also helped to thwart their attack.

So if we look at the healthy versus unhealthy borders, we can actually see how we can relate healthy boundaries to them and their effects. With healthy boundaries, we have more of a sense of self. Some people call it their inner peace commonly and we can see how protecting that peace is important. If the terrorists were to attack a city, picture your heart as the city, it would cause harm. Your emotional well being is their cities. The attacks would damage your sense of self. With the stronger borders, the healthy boundaries, although an attack could still occur it would be tougher.

Knowing who you are and what you need to protect is where you start. Healthy boundaries in a relationship can, and should, secure your past experiences. For years I had issues getting close to people, because of an early trauma where my “Grammy” died. If they were late, “missing in action”, or had lied I would snap and act completely inappropriately. This looked like severe physical attacks on males or purposely seeking out someone to have sexual relationships with that wasn’t my partner simply to get back at them. Nobody is perfect, myself included, however I also did not have healthy boundaries!

Healthy Boundaries Allow YOU to Decide How You Want to be Treated

healthy boundaries in recovery

There realistically is not much I could have done when I acted that way, because I had no idea why I did until I began opening up very slowly to people I was intimate with. I took loss of life hard, which being a former gang member was tough because it is expected that we would end up in a jail cell or coffin. I had to really get to know myself and face what bothered me so severely. One day I found out when it just clicked and a therapist told me where my temper came from. That was followed by a desk being thrown at him for even bringing it up. He was right!

Healthy boundaries, as I mentioned above, come from our experience as a human. Even after we resolve traumatic issues, these healthy boundaries act as a force field where we get a say in how we are treated. Healthy boundaries would have been an expectation of other people. No matter how bad something could be, tell me the truth is something I should have said. If you’re not going to be on time regardless of why, or if you needed space I should have told them to let me know.

For you, a healthy boundary can look like nearly anything – because I don’t know you yet. However, when you establish healthy boundaries it is extremely important to ensure they do not get crossed. When I established my healthy boundaries with people, I unfairly gave them a one and done chance – even if they had no clue what the newly formed healthy boundary was.

When you set your healthy boundaries, and if you want to change how you feel due to actions by others essentially, you need to set rules. If someone constantly keeps crossing your boundary, even if they are just skirting around the edge, you have to put a stop to it. If you don’t like them talking with a new girl, assuming you are in an intimate relationship with them, and they continue to do so they are in essence dictating to you how you will be treated. You don’t deserve that and it takes away from your person- hood.

You Live Life MORE On Your Terms With Healthy Boundaries

Again no politics, our country and inside its borders is known as a source of freedom. Many people rush to America because we are safe, provide generally a better quality of life, and also offer a better chance of “success” in a general sense of the word which equates to education as well as prosperity. Healthy boundaries for you can provide similar benefits!

Have you ever been egged into something that you wasted time on for ages? For me I have had my share of things I have gotten into against better judgement, or desire. I’m willing to bet you can relate. Have you, as a parent, ever allowed your children to hang around with someone or a group you were sketchy towards only to be proven right? But your child wanted it, and you wanted them happy. You can’t make a better yesterday, however you can learn from it with healthy boundaries and begin to create a much better tomorrow.

There was a group I was always hanging out with, to me they were my friends, and my mother had no issue with me going out with them. Or so I thought, I was told that she and my sister both had an issue with a few people in particular. Against her better judgement, she allowed me to hang out with my best friends both before I was 18 and after because she felt she didn’t have a say. Honestly, until I was about 25 I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

One of those “friends” was a high ranking gang member alongside me and I had a lot of respect for him. We both adhered to the code of the streets – death before dishonor, and no “snitching”. After we were stopped in a park around 11 PM we were taken out of the vehicle and a large amount of narcotics and weapons were seized. I didn’t have to tell the police it was his, they already knew! However, he had no issue pointing blame at me.

I will put zero blame on my mother, however healthy boundaries could have looked like “if you go with him, you’re not coming home.” She could have followed that up with a “and this is why.” We can not make a better yesterday. When I speak with my parents rarely about my past, they do wish they had enforced healthy boundaries and reached out to more people.

The other friendship resulted in a raid on our house looking for multiple firearms. My parents had to pay the price for my actions, not with DCF or their own arrests (the police didn’t bother to look in the yard) but regret for not placing healthy boundaries around me, and themselves. Another acquaintance stole from my dad’s wallet (he later paid back what he stole and much more physically and financially) while he was asleep. They hated that individual in particular.

Healthy boundaries can look like much more, that can actually deal directly to your joy or contentedness with life, as well as stress. Do you feel bad telling people at work “no”? Are you stuck at a job because you feel bad for other people? That is extremely admirable, however you’re far likely to start pouring from an empty cup and most likely will end with resentments. I

healthy professional boundaries

In life, people are always going to rely on us. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to help when we are able without causing ourselves stress, resentments, and other negative emotions. Your setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are where you will start to take back some of your freedom.

Healthy boundaries allow us to say no far easier and without guilt or shame. We may be led to feel guilty or shameful and in those cases the “guilt trip” shows a lack of respect for your boundaries! You’re willing to cause stress in your own, single life whereas the individual who relies on you shows little to no respect for your healthy boundaries and decisions.

Healthy Boundaries Allow For Better Choices For Your Health and Well-Being

This one hits home for me personally and allows me to see my growth in a few areas. I was very attracted to the mind and body of a woman a few months ago, probably around March of 2022. We agreed to go out on a date, as I am not bringing women to my house until we are very committed and have plans of moving the relationship forward. We dated a few times. She was well aware I was an alcoholic who had a good amount of sober time leading up to one crucial night.

Her brother was playing one of those “pretend we are those people” type of band where they play – very well – a famous artists songs. I forgot what you call that band and pretend wasn’t proper to use there. As I digress, she invited me to go. As I arrived at the location I sent her a text and asked her if she was aware she invited me to a bar. She answered she did know and didn’t think it was a problem so long as I didn’t drink.

Even to this day, I am not at a place where I see any need to frequent a bar. I left and thanked her for her brief companionship but that we were best off to end it then and there.

Years ago, before I began developing healthy boundaries, I would have probably went in. She was a fantastic woman, very witty and a pleasure to be around. She didn’t respect my healthy boundaries enough to ask if going to a bar would be a problem. Maybe for you there is a diet you have to stick to and people constantly invite you out to eat. That is well and great however, for me at least, aren’t so many times you want to spend $16 on a salad before you say enough?

Although often times healthy boundaries are not life and death, they very well can be. I am completely convinced I am going to die if I drink again. Maybe not instantly, however addiction is extremely progressive and not something I am willing to chance again. This can be dealing with stress in a relationship, or a job as I mentioned above. I firmly believe stress and anxiety are secret killers as they have been shown to contribute to heart disease.

Negative emotions have the potential to kill you. Healthy boundaries have a much better chance to be preventative measures. This is incredibly important for people who have suffered PTSD in relationships! Healthy boundaries will let you know when to say no. Saying no can potentially save you having to put in the work you already have to get better.

Setting healthy boundaries and your health are tough. I have met many people who are addicted to a variety of things yet they had no idea. As I coach them I ask numerous hypothetical questions based around their healthy boundaries. Many times, and I see it regularly while coaching, we have no idea how many ways we could get hit with something. Making life changes should almost have a “prerequisite” of setting healthy personal boundaries!

Let’s Look at a Quick Example of Healthy Boundaries

healthy boundaries in relationships
healthy boundaries

Look at those two pictures for a little bit. Times up, somewhat kidding, however I will attempt to show how they can look very similar to healthy boundaries as well as unhealthy boundaries. I won’t take much time on this, however I felt this to be a great contrast on the positive and negative healthy boundaries.

The image on the left is an example of bad personal boundaries. The fence looks like it offers some form of security, people will have to be careful getting in. However once they are in, it looks like they have free reign to an entire pasture right? Can you see how it may be difficult if they are running around, trying to catch them and get them back out? Even if you did, they are probably able to cut somewhere down the line and re-enter, right?

Look at the fence on the right now, this is our example of positive healthy boundaries. Compared to the image on the left this one looks like it’s very tough to penetrate. That’s the point, people may try and turn around instead of risking an attempt at sneaking in! Even if they were brave enough to try and get in, they will probably be swarmed by guards and immediately escorted. With this fence, or positive healthy boundaries, they have a much lower chance at sneaking in and causing damage or chaos!

Draw your own analogy around those two fences, make sure you are considering healthy boundaries as well as negatively healthy boundaries. Do you see the difference between having, and not having, healthy boundaries?

Having Healthy Boundaries Can Feel Absolutely Liberating!

Healthy boundaries, especially if you have gone a long time with out them, can eventually feel extremely freeing and liberating. When you consider the fact that you are able to help someone, however also have the ability to maintain your peace and tranquility you should feel empowered. When does that empowered feeling come after you set healthy boundaries? For me it was after saying no.

If you are in a relationship, children or friends, spouse or “special friend you will most likely find resistance after you set what you believe to be healthy boundaries for yourself. I did with a few different relationships.

I also had someone throw their healthy boundary around me when I was causing them issues! That hit me like a sack of bricks, however I was taking them down a bad path in their sobriety. I wasn’t anywhere close to being in recovery however made it seem like I did, until I was in meetings with slurred speech. He lovingly told me he didn’t want me to call him if I had began drinking but rather before and that that was what he was there for.

He explained that although I was an imposing figure, and surely gave him an attitude (which I don’t remember as I began blacking out after the call) he had to. I was affecting his attitude at home, his desire to be a sponsor, and his views toward me. He has the upmost respect for me, when I’m sober, and after discussing it have maintained a very close friendship still. In fact I call him roughly 5 times a week!

Setting healthy boundaries was freeing for him. I am quite sure it will be for you also. Give them a shot! Contact us here and we will see how we can help you! Also, take our flag ship course Lasting Change and thank us later, you can access that and the discounted rates on our coaching services here.

Categories
Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

The Boundaries Book – 8 Chapters About the Importance of Boundaries and How To Better Appreciate and Use Them!

boundaries book includes setting boundaries in a relationship

We are starting off with something good, I’m calling this next segment the Boundaries Book! This segment will hopefully open your eyes to what the “Boundaries Book” contains! In fact, I plan to refer to this as the “Boundaries Book” because that is what we are going to do, go over everything you can possibly think about that relate to boundaries! Everything we will talk about will be mapped out in the Table of contents, you will see a brief review of the topic and then be able to venture off and read a full article on the topic! As of the time of this writing, They’re all free, I just like the Boundaries Book theme and name.

Why Do We need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

The easiest way to explain the importance of boundaries for me is to look at my dog. She doesn’t go out front because she’s a big kid, she loves people, she will surely run into the street. She also loves other dogs (except for the one next door and across the street) but other dogs don’t care for her. She’s extremely fast and runs circles across around our tenants dogs which aggravates them, you can see personal boundaries in dogs easily (cats are just mean).

Much like her, I have my own boundaries. When I’m on my game it’s evident, when I’m off it’s equally as evident. I can’t go to bars, I can’t be around negativity, and I can’t swear. Those are very healthy boundaries for me. I’m in recovery from severe alcoholism so hanging at a bar isn’t the brightest idea – if you hang around the barber shop long enough you will get a hair cut. If I hang around the bar long enough, that water will turn into a Spirit of some kind…. not a good Holy Spirit either.

This is the first part of the Boundaries Book because it lays the foundation for the rest! Read more about the topic here.

Do You Have Boundary Issues?

save your codependent relationship

I don’t know, do you? All kidding aside, this chapter will help you determine if you have boundary issues as described in the Boundaries Book! This looks at you, the most controllable entity in your life regardless of where you are and what is thrown at you! According to the Boundaries Book, you really need to check this one out and can read this chapter in the Boundaries Book here!

What are Personal Boundaries?

What good would the Boundaries book be if we didn’t discuss this ever important topic?! Probably still a good and enlightening read, surely something that could help you. You’ll enjoy the Boundaries Book series of articles regardless, but this is a crucial topic to fully understand. I will give a few examples as well! Check out this Boundaries Book Segment here.

Why are Personal Boundaries Good for You?

Similar to the last Boundaries Book article, this one touches on why having personal boundaries are important. We will use examples in here so you get a full understanding of the concept!

Poor Boundaries and Intimate Relationships, There’s Suffering Ahead!

This can lead to many red flag type relationships if you are not careful! Even if it doesn’t damage the entire relationship, it can cause harm that may be tough to work out. Read about this topic in the Boundaries Book here.

What do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

They look like the glistening of the sun on a drop of dew hanging from the leaf of a tree. Beautiful and easy to appreciate, but one good blow and they’re gone!

boundaries book includes setting boundaries in a relationship

Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries?

Is it ever too late to set healthy boundaries? Maybe, maybe not! The “Boundaries Book” looks at this topic and will provide a few scenarios, probably some you can relate to!

How do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

boundaries book set boundaries fix a relationship by setting boundaries create boundaries in a marriage
THE pinnacle course on creating change in your life!

Boundaries, especially while involved in a relationship can have amazing benefits or dire consequences. This is not 100% in your hands, the outcome that is, but does start with you. You set boundaries by applying what you learn in the course above! Get in now while the getting is good because the awesome content you see in the “Boundaries Book” series of articles is going to be turned into its own mini course for those who struggle with boundaries in relationships!

Until then, read this article which is most likely the last one until we wrap up our segment called the Boundaries Book!