Are resentment in a relationship the only kind of resentments out there? Nope. When you think about it, and it makes sense, a lot of the resentments we have looked at do focus on more intimate relationships, such as resentment in a relationship, resentment in marriage, and etc. You could have been hurt as I mentioned in a previous post by a church as I was when they parted ways with a recovery group I am in. I still feel it was a foolish move, however it is what it is and the group is still active and fine. I digress. We also discussed how to look inward and how to accept your feelings so what else have we got?
What You'll Find Here
Handle Resentment in a Relationship By Accepting Life on Life’s Terms
Another popular topic in recovery circles such as Celebrate Recovery or Narcotics Anonymous is the idea we have to live life on life’s terms. Sometimes that way of taking care of a resentment in a relationship is tougher, like what if they don’t change?! Well in that case, and if you want to save a codependent relationship (which I have found most to be) it could take a combination of therapy and life coaching. We can help, however I feel this topic is cut back too much. Because for me, I couldn’t live life on life’s terms I had to have my hands in something fixing problems, because that’s what we do correct? No, that’s codependency at it’s finest.
So how do we live life on life’s terms? For me it was surrendering what I can’t control, accepting the fact that I am not God and sometimes I need help navigating a situation. I’m far better now than I was, but it takes work. I reflect daily on how to best resolve situations from many different vantage points, but a big part of it is living the Serenity Prayer to the best of my ability. This helps me a lot when I have to take care of a resentment in a relationship. Sometimes I can’t salvage them and that’s okay.
Sometimes I need to ensure I have higher boundaries, and that’s okay. Sometimes I need to realize I don’t know what I don’t know and that’s also okay… Talk it out with us if you’re stuck, because otherwise you’re just taking away from the rest of your life.
Can Meditation Help Handle a Resentment in Your Relationships?
Maybe. Meditating is a REALLY good exercise to practice. I’d even recommend throwing some guided imagery in there as we talked about guided imagery for anxiety relief here.
What meditating could do to potentially help with a resentment in a relationship is reduce your “negative charge”. I won’t go in depth on the benefits of meditation, however it is helpful. I have found guided imagery in meditation can help reduce the animosity in a relationship from your end.
Use Some Empathy to Help With Your Resentment in A Relationship
Have you ever heard the saying put yourself into the other person’s shoes? Empathy is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse with me. I am an extremely empathetic person. I can look at a situation from 20 different ways (I’ve never counted, I’m just assuming and like the number 20).
But when I’m mad, it’s tough for me to be empathetic with someone. But I will tell you, when I look at the why instead of the what of how I am offended or feeling negatively, I find that sometimes “I get it”. It may not make me okay with whatever they did, however it does make it easier to gain an understanding with them or the situation.
Do NOT Get Even!
Another uncomfortable place to be is when you want to get even. At the time, it may seem like a good idea, maybe even justified in how to handle a resentment in a relationship. For instance, earlier this year I had a couple grab a few coaching sessions, they had been together for a while.
One partner cheated a few times and the other knew. Instead of addressing the cheating, they cheated back. Then the other returned favor again. What was left was a family (with children) who played a tit for tat game of unfaithfulness. I asked them which time in their cheating they felt better. They both had remorse and wanted to get past the cheating issue. But how?
It starts with not getting even. I would suggest if it is safe mentally and physically to handle the situation when it occurs. But when we are feeling pain or in a charged emotional state, good or bad, we do not typically think straight. First we would want to wait until we are calm. Next, address how you feel or what you believe happened and how it made you feel. Do not “go off” on them, in fact guard your tongue. When we argue and begin shouting and name calling there’s a huge chance we are not going to address the topic that needs to be addressed.
Handle Resentment in a Relationship BEFORE it Happens!
Sounds kind of crazy right? How could you have a resentment before you have any kind of relationship with someone? Because your expectations of what the relationship will or won’t consist of may be haywire.
When we enter into relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, we may have an idea of where it will go or bring with it. For instance, I had a LOT of resentments against me in the past. I am very easy to talk to and a people’s person.
Quite a few women had a romanticized idea in their head that I was into them in a way I assured them later I wasn’t, but I enjoyed their friendship. I love people and interacting with them. One girl actually began talking to another girl I was actually interested in to inform her we had something going on. That was a messy end to a friendship because she let a resentment in a relationship grow when there was no need.
So what could I have done? Maybe a few times let them know I enjoyed their friendship or acquaintance. I could have asked them what they wanted from our friendship and how I could be a better friend. I could have acknowledged what I expected in friendships, maybe a bit of time but nothing crazy like needing to hangout every day. On the contrary, they could have expressed their thoughts, ideas, and questions toward me. At the end of the day it is all water under the bridge now.
Look at Yourself Before the Other to Help Handle Resentment in a Relationship
Look within is a powerful concept for many areas of life, and you know by now after reading some posts that I firmly believe we should reflect more. This is another area to reflect on when you have a resentment in a relationship AND you are at a point where you are going to address it! Look at the picture below and we will talk about it briefly before moving on to the next way to handle resentment in a relationship
Obviously we do not walk around with planks in our eyes. However, we also need to see why we are upset, which is similar to what we discussed earlier about looking within. This focuses more on the “I” aspect of your relational issue. You have to own your own experience because you are the only one who has those feelings.
Instead of saying “I can’t forgive you and you screwed up our friendship” remove some of the “blame” and add yourself to the issue. Maybe “what you said was very hurtful and we need to resolve this.” Something along those lines, in switching the blame you are removing the fuse before it gets lit during the conversation! It is better to handle the resentment in a relationship than spreading the fire. In fact, every single relationship you are in will probably have a resentment of some type!
The People You Associate With Could Help The Resentment in a Relationship Ahead of Time
There’s a saying that you are the same as the company you keep. Forget that. You need good, quality, wholesome people in your circle. You need friends who can get together and have a great time of course, but it’s also important to have different circles of friends. Sure you’ll learn a bit from each but I am getting at something different.
I have a lot of the answers if I sit and reflect on things, but I love bouncing ideas I am torn on off of other people. It doesn’t hurt them because not only is the idea not physical when I bounce it (corny joke), but it also helps greatly when I have a resentment in a relationship!
In fact, I bet if we handled things differently the resentment in my marriage would have been dealt with potentially outside of divorce. I’m happy things ended up the way they did and wish my ex wife nothing but the best. But we both held our resentment against each other in! If we entrusted our issues with good and Godly people, the resentment in a relationship could have turned into a detour rather than a road closure.
Another good aspect to having good and positive people around leads into our next topic.
Allowing People to Make Mistakes Will Kill a Resentment in a Relationship Fast
I mentioned at the end that good positive and Godly people will help you with a resentment in a relationship. One thing I learned from people the last few years is forgiveness and acceptance. I struggled bad with alcoholism until 2020, and many people had reason to have resentment in a relationship as I was a truck load of trouble. I was damaged, hurt, confused, and filled with guilt as well as shame. So what happened? They accepted and knew I wasn’t trying to hurt or upset them, but I had no clue how to stop the spiral I had in my life.
Positive people will see the good in you. For a while I had almost zero friends. I ended a long career as a gang member and if I didn’t want to go back, how could I keep them around? I didn’t, but I didn’t feel as though I would fit in with other crowds. Let me tell you, having good and uplifting people around is a blessing.
My brothers and sisters in Celebrate Recovery was a God send. Nobody judged when I mentioned I relapsed, or came back over two years later regularly. They believed in me when I couldn’t and that is what having a good bunch of people around will do for you.
Nobody is perfect, and maybe the Bible passage above fits best here, but it fits in both sections. People, including myself, are not perfect. Having people in different friend circles will allow you to address a resentment in a relationship with another person who is completely neutral to the situation.
Speaking of it, I’m going to do a post on the power of people eventually. They will be there for you to bounce an idea off. They will listen with your best interest at heart and hopefully not tell you what your tickling ears want to hear but rather the truth.
We Now Know How to Handle Resentment in a Relationship, But It’s Not Goodbye…
We made it to the end of our segment on how to handle resentment in a relationship! Your friends, spouse, and anyone else you deal with will most likely be greatful when you practice anything in any of these posts because of a few reasons. We are being more compassionate, accepting, as well as realistic when we practice the 10 methods I mentioned.
Sometimes we may only be able to the Serenity Prayer I will be leaving below and loving our person, people, or group from a far. If you find you are stuck in resentment and just can’t seem to get out of it, contact us and we will surely help you out just click here and get the ball rolling! We have a passion for helping people, and from we are told it really shows! Don’t forget to check out our course on creating lasting change, especially with resentments here!
