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How Do You Know If You Have Boundary Issues? 13 Boundary Issues You Can Start Working on TODAY

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date July 20, 2022
1 Comment on How Do You Know If You Have Boundary Issues? 13 Boundary Issues You Can Start Working on TODAY

How Do You Know If You Have Boundary Issues?

boundary issues and boundary issues example

We are following up the article on why you need healthy boundaries with this piece, “how do you know if you have boundary issues”. We could start with a quiz, but I like typing and explaining things so I guess I won’t. We know the benefits, some of them, as well as why you need healthy boundaries as we saw in the last article from the Boundaries Book here.

So how do you know if you have boundary issues? I ended up going down a rabbit hole that led to an incredible, 2 years worth, of research with what started from a past client asking how they could get past boundary issues with their mother-in-law. In a way, that actually led to the boundaries book. I digress as usual, so let’s jump into the question of “how do you know if you have boundary issues”.

Although we are not talking about the legality of this question, and when you discuss real property such as real estate boundary issues can cause significant headaches. I know that because my B.S. is in Legal Studies (you couldn’t pay me enough to practice law!). Toward the end we will relate a bit with the analogy of how a fence causing a boundary issue can relate to your own personal boundary issues.

In my years as a coach, I have seen boundary issues in the form of both physical actions as well as emotions. These pesky little issues can turn into huge problems in a few ways. If we leave them unaddressed, they can effect our relationships as well as take away from the joy and peace we should be able to enjoy in life.

Boundary Issues Follow Trends

If you look at the stock market, you will see trends with more established stocks. Personally, prior to 2020 I used to use the 1/3/5 year charts (not candle sticks and I will not attempt to get into stocks, this is only for an analogical example). You can tell and potentially guess where a stock will go with and without typical news. News can cause a stock’s price to increase or decrease on a whim and typically bounces back. Sometimes the decrease or increase sticks. Regardless we can tell a lot by the trend of the stock.

The same can be seen with us and boundary issues! Boundary issues will typically follow a past trend and do not normally just pop out of now where, like the stock’s reaction to news. We can almost dictate where or when something will happen. We get to this point through reflection. People in recovery seem to figure this part out during what is called the “dreaded” fourth step. In Celebrate Recovery which I attend meetings, like other recovery programs such as AA or NA but with a Christian viewpoint, we take a “fearless moral inventory” of ourselves.

This moral inventory done in the 4th Step work will help us see our trends. It is extremely helpful to see where our boundary issues may lay and the part we play in it! I encourage everyone to consider doing step work at least once in their life. It’s freeing, especially when we consider boundary issues and we can actually see them!

As you will see in the brief descriptions and issues below, it makes sense what was stated before. That boundary issues tie into a trend. Where they started is not something we will get into as they change for everyone. It could be PTSD or sexual/physical/emotional abuse and how it affected us.

Look at the image above of the candlestick pattern. Do you notice how it starts, then raises, and then completely drops off? You can view some boundary issues in much the same way. The relationships, normally during the flirting/courting stages will start off good, skyrocket, and then plummet. Can you relate to that? Over time I could, it turns out I had a horrendous issue with communication! In fact, some of the following signs that you have boundary issues I can completely relate with below!

Boundary Issue Examples

Again, we are not getting into causes of boundary issues. We are different as we are humans and not robots. What caused your boundary issues will likely differ from what can cause them in others.

The list below is not comprehensive, but are easy to spot a mile away as they are extremely common. Sometimes you may not even notice this until they are pointed out to you – which I am notorious for in the nicest way possible. Either way, once you honestly realize that you may have one or two, I would highly suggest working with us, or a therapist, to straighten thing out. You owe it to yourself. Also, click the banner below to secure your special session rates and lifetime access to the course that you can use not only to address boundary issues but other aspects or changes in your life!

let go of resentment — Are you ready to take control over your boundary issues and more importantly your life?

Do You Typically Feel Used?

At time we can feel like a revolving door, where people have no issue using us – easily – for their own gain. This can be seen as constantly asking for a favor, or waiting until you are in a specific emotional state leaving you feeling “used and abused”. This is an example of having boundary issues.

Unresolved boundary issues can be an easy way in

Are You the Relationship (Unofficial) Handyman?

This is one I can clearly relate to, especially with my most recent ex girlfriend. She had an addiction issue, and I saw areas in her life I could circle on a board and point out without questions asked. And when she didn’t work on them, I’d start having resentments. This is one of the most common boundary issues you will find, in fact almost everyone I have personally coached has shown this particular boundary issue. When it comes to boundary issues, specifically this one we feel we need to fix people or their problems. I in fact use to pray that God would give me her problems instead.

Having this type of boundary issue can lead us down dark roads of aggravation, resentment, disappointment, and overall poor feelings. Even if we don’t show the emotion superficially, this one also takes away from you living a fulfilling life.

Do You Feel Like Your Name Should Be Rocky?

I’m not asking this in an underdog hero type. Sometimes boundary issues are secondary effects to a larger issue. This is similar to addiction where most people use a substance because they see that it covers up other feelings or memories. If you find that you are fighting or always debating, not to prove a point but literally just to be right at any cost, you may have boundary issues. Like addiction not being the main issue, although it may be the worst, this is a side effect or could relate to other issues. Like the Handyman I mentioned above, this would be a symptom of that issue where people do not act your way.

I Don’t Even Know You And I Love You!

Another common one which can be seen as being boundary issues on its own or a symptom. Most of the time I see this with boundary issues relating to abandonment or mistreatment. I can unfortunately relate to this one as well. This can be tough to fix, however I found that being comfortable in my own skin helped alleviate this. This is also another reason I would cheat toward the end of relationships, I needed to have someone there ready.

This, I have found, is also quite common in the younger generations. Often people will talk for a very brief period and it seems like almost immediately move in with the person they just started dating. When we get attention, we want to give all of our attention to the person showing us time and affection. Can you relate to this one? Most people can as this is one of the most common boundary issues.

Are Your Relationships Bi Polar?

Similar to looking like the stock market example above, this one looks at your relationships in a familiar, but still different way. This question deals with pondering if your relationships are incredibly awesome or extremely horrible. You will find this in many relationships now a day. The relationship seems to have no middle ground, “or chill zone” like one of my sons called it which makes sense to me. There are extreme polar opposites in your relationship and it’s literally all or nothing. This shows signs that you could have boundary issues, but also that you may either be celebrating or in a defensive mode all the time which isn’t necessarily boundary issues but can surely add to them.

“I Love You. Never mind I Hate You. WAIT, I Love You Again!”

I had a few of these types of relationships when I was younger. Some of the time I’d be the one out the door, but then I’d walk back in like I forgot something. These can be seen as constantly off and on again relationships. Sort of like the preceding boundary issue example, but with this you’re actually willing to break up – when your mad.

I have seen time and again that this type of boundary issue stems from anger and resentment (If you want to work on how to not hold resentments read this). Although most boundary issues are emotion based, you’ll see that there are a lot of actions involved, including this where you are actually “breaking up” as well.

A Lot of Drama is a Sign You Have Boundary Issues!

Do you hate drama? Does it seem like drama somehow always finds you and involves you? If you answered yes to the second part, you may have boundary issues! How do I know? I’ve seen it more times than I can count. Boundary issues as you’ve seen so far, tend to come from us allowing things to happen or continue to happen.

If ALL of Your Relationships Are Tough You May Have Boundary Issues..

This can stem from a few different things, however at the end they all seem to point to one thing, boundary issues. A few of the most common reasons that your relationships may be difficult is that you stay in an uncomfortable or unhealthy “zone”. You rely on people to make all of the desicions. If you ever go clothes shopping with me, you will find I have this issue.

Clothes shopping and dinner prep is where I’m at, however I am also known to hate regretting decisions. Being a thug in the 1990’s and earlier 2000’s I can say I have a justified gripe; have you seen how tight the pants are now a day?! I digress and that may be a poor example of boundary issues. Here is another one that relates to this example, “what church do we want to go to?” Or when in general someone makes a pick because you can’t, you find yourself arguing with how their pick was bad and you could have done better, but you can’t make the decision.

Codependency is a huge one we covered rather in depth before. If you hate letting people down, and you often find you hold a resentment that you had to help them, this is a huge sign that you have boundary issues. I can, again, relate to this one very well. I felt I had to fix everyone’s issues. Recently, I said I can’t and almost gave myself a pat on the back because it was huge for me to realize again my growth.

Relationships I find, again, are difficult if nothing changes. You are either putting in far too much effort in an attempt to help or save someone, you stay in your comfort zone regardless of how unhealthy it is, or you are afraid to think for yourself but hate the ideas of others.

You May Have Boundary Issues If You Are Always Drained!

This one I can say I relate to, but also that I’ve grown out of doing. I am able to help people on my terms, such as one of my son’s who is constantly going for medical testing and appointments (prayers for my boys is always welcomed and appreciated) and I find I have to rush to get “my life” into a day. Although I am blessed and grateful I get to take him and spend time with him, it can get tiring.

Assuming you are fully healthy physically, if you find yourself constantly tired because you are trying to live some semblance of a life you may have boundary issues. This is also a sign of people pleasing and codependency issues which surely relate to boundary issues. Sometimes with boundary issues when we are busy helping others, we have a fear we are going to miss out on what we want to do. This shows in boundary issues when you are seemingly worn for no reason as well. You could be pouring from an empty cup.

If You Overshare Details You Probably Have Boundary Issues

Where exactly this comes from, I have not found an intelligent hypothesis yet I agree with as there are tons of possibilities. However, boundary issues show here as oversharing intricate and, what should be, private details only intimate people with you should know occurs with people you just meet. To take it a step further, you may share these details with people who should just be classified as a colleague and don’t really have business (a career pun, you’re welcome) knowing a certain side of you as it is not pertinent information.

This can open the door to really nasty stuff, either intentionally or unintentionally by the person receiving your information. They could manipulate you by playing on a certain “heart string” you shared that, again, the average person shouldn’t know. I’m not saying that you should rehearse an entire conversation in your head before it happens because that’s just crazy, to an extent as I do it occasionally within reason.

There’s a relative to sharing too much with strangers that shows not only boundary issues but intimacy issues as well! It is panicking, or simply not sharing, when you consider sharing the same information with someone you are or at least should be growing close to! Again, these are boundary issues which probably, read surely, stem from something deeper.

Everything Hurts Me! Is Another Sign of Boundary Issues

You can probably figure it safe to assume you have boundary issues if you regularly feel like you are the victim. This can show in a few different ways. It typically comes from acceptance issues as well as accountability issues oddly I have found. I am not referring to running into red flag relationships where you are constantly physically assaulted, that’s a different story for a different day (read topic, not story).

I am talking about where you feel constantly overlooked (and maybe you are, a second set of eyes will surely help you realize this!) or blamed. Maybe you always feel like someone is attacking you with their thoughts, ideas, or opinions and you either fight or flight instead of hearing them out. Yep, that’s another sign of boundary issues.

Guilt and Anxiety Are Your Most Common Emotions

You probably have boundary issues if you find a lot of guilt and anxiety all over your life. It could be from even thinking about taking the last piece of cake for example. It could be you fear what others will say when you have an idea. I suffered boundary issues related to guilt and shame, not so much but surely to an extent anxiety as well. It kept me drinking, way too much (in all honesty one is too many here on out so I abstain fully in my recovery).

Boundary Issues Shown Through A Lack of Respect

Although it seems a lot of these relate to each other, the biggest relation is with ourselves. With a lack of respect boundary issues can be seen as well. We may walk around resenting things all the time and a lot of those can come not so much from actions per se but the feeling we are no being respected, either our wishes or statements.

A Quick Boundary Issues Recap and Where We Go From Here

You made it to the end! If you answered yes to a few of those, guess what….. you have boundary issues. As you saw, I did too! They are extremely manageable, but it takes a few different things to get past them. Setting boundaries sounds like it’s the toughest, but in reality it is enforcing the boundaries I have found.

Again, I have been in your shoes I would bet. Don’t let the list, or even the fact you have boundary issues, get you down. As I always say we are here and more than able to help you sort them out and move from here (suffering from the effects of boundary issues) to there (living a life free from boundary issues!). At the end, it is up to you if you set and stick with them. We are here to help coach you through them, or you can also go through our course and potentially do it yourself!

Up next is the next segment from the Boundaries Book, hope you are ready for it!

5 Reasons We Need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date July 15, 2022
2 Comments on 5 Reasons We Need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

Why Do We Need Healthy Boundaries?

In our introductory article about of the Boundaries Book segment which you can read here, we discussed the need for healthy boundaries. What’s interesting about this topic is that healthy boundaries in a relationship are deeper than simply referring to intimate relationships! Just like healthy relationships such as in your love life are important, equally as are professional boundaries important!

In the intro article for the Boundaries Book, I mentioned a healthy boundary for my dog was basically the back yard. It keeps her contained and safe from dogs that would most likely eat her alive, as well as preventing her from running into the street. Healthy boundaries are incredibly important for people recovering from addiction.

Healthy Boundaries From a World View

We can look at, without getting political because this isn’t the place for it if you leave a comment, healthy boundaries from a world view. Look at almost any country in the Middle East, Afghanistan would probably be a good example compared to the United States and we can see the benefits of healthy boundaries in a relationship with a bigger picture.

Although Afghanistan is a country, I wouldn’t dream of calling it a sovereign nation. There are war lords that run rampant and they have extremely porous borders. Although the citizens are typically nice from what I have heard, a lot of people (terrorists) who want to do harm across the globe like the area – because their boundaries are almost non existent. I’m assuming they have some form of boundaries but I have never, nor will I ever, been there.

Although the borders are more porous than they have been in recent times, the United States is an example of a sovereign nation with mostly secured borders. Shortly after the 2001 attacks by terrorists there was another individual who tried to enter the country through I believe it was Vancouver up in Canada. They had bombs or bomb making material and were trying to enter the United States. Their attempt failed. Along with Homeland Security, our borders also helped to thwart their attack.

So if we look at the healthy versus unhealthy borders, we can actually see how we can relate healthy boundaries to them and their effects. With healthy boundaries, we have more of a sense of self. Some people call it their inner peace commonly and we can see how protecting that peace is important. If the terrorists were to attack a city, picture your heart as the city, it would cause harm. Your emotional well being is their cities. The attacks would damage your sense of self. With the stronger borders, the healthy boundaries, although an attack could still occur it would be tougher.

Knowing who you are and what you need to protect is where you start. Healthy boundaries in a relationship can, and should, secure your past experiences. For years I had issues getting close to people, because of an early trauma where my “Grammy” died. If they were late, “missing in action”, or had lied I would snap and act completely inappropriately. This looked like severe physical attacks on males or purposely seeking out someone to have sexual relationships with that wasn’t my partner simply to get back at them. Nobody is perfect, myself included, however I also did not have healthy boundaries!

Healthy Boundaries Allow YOU to Decide How You Want to be Treated

There realistically is not much I could have done when I acted that way, because I had no idea why I did until I began opening up very slowly to people I was intimate with. I took loss of life hard, which being a former gang member was tough because it is expected that we would end up in a jail cell or coffin. I had to really get to know myself and face what bothered me so severely. One day I found out when it just clicked and a therapist told me where my temper came from. That was followed by a desk being thrown at him for even bringing it up. He was right!

Healthy boundaries, as I mentioned above, come from our experience as a human. Even after we resolve traumatic issues, these healthy boundaries act as a force field where we get a say in how we are treated. Healthy boundaries would have been an expectation of other people. No matter how bad something could be, tell me the truth is something I should have said. If you’re not going to be on time regardless of why, or if you needed space I should have told them to let me know.

For you, a healthy boundary can look like nearly anything – because I don’t know you yet. However, when you establish healthy boundaries it is extremely important to ensure they do not get crossed. When I established my healthy boundaries with people, I unfairly gave them a one and done chance – even if they had no clue what the newly formed healthy boundary was.

When you set your healthy boundaries, and if you want to change how you feel due to actions by others essentially, you need to set rules. If someone constantly keeps crossing your boundary, even if they are just skirting around the edge, you have to put a stop to it. If you don’t like them talking with a new girl, assuming you are in an intimate relationship with them, and they continue to do so they are in essence dictating to you how you will be treated. You don’t deserve that and it takes away from your person- hood.

You Live Life MORE On Your Terms With Healthy Boundaries

Again no politics, our country and inside its borders is known as a source of freedom. Many people rush to America because we are safe, provide generally a better quality of life, and also offer a better chance of “success” in a general sense of the word which equates to education as well as prosperity. Healthy boundaries for you can provide similar benefits!

Have you ever been egged into something that you wasted time on for ages? For me I have had my share of things I have gotten into against better judgement, or desire. I’m willing to bet you can relate. Have you, as a parent, ever allowed your children to hang around with someone or a group you were sketchy towards only to be proven right? But your child wanted it, and you wanted them happy. You can’t make a better yesterday, however you can learn from it with healthy boundaries and begin to create a much better tomorrow.

There was a group I was always hanging out with, to me they were my friends, and my mother had no issue with me going out with them. Or so I thought, I was told that she and my sister both had an issue with a few people in particular. Against her better judgement, she allowed me to hang out with my best friends both before I was 18 and after because she felt she didn’t have a say. Honestly, until I was about 25 I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

One of those “friends” was a high ranking gang member alongside me and I had a lot of respect for him. We both adhered to the code of the streets – death before dishonor, and no “snitching”. After we were stopped in a park around 11 PM we were taken out of the vehicle and a large amount of narcotics and weapons were seized. I didn’t have to tell the police it was his, they already knew! However, he had no issue pointing blame at me.

I will put zero blame on my mother, however healthy boundaries could have looked like “if you go with him, you’re not coming home.” She could have followed that up with a “and this is why.” We can not make a better yesterday. When I speak with my parents rarely about my past, they do wish they had enforced healthy boundaries and reached out to more people.

The other friendship resulted in a raid on our house looking for multiple firearms. My parents had to pay the price for my actions, not with DCF or their own arrests (the police didn’t bother to look in the yard) but regret for not placing healthy boundaries around me, and themselves. Another acquaintance stole from my dad’s wallet (he later paid back what he stole and much more physically and financially) while he was asleep. They hated that individual in particular.

Healthy boundaries can look like much more, that can actually deal directly to your joy or contentedness with life, as well as stress. Do you feel bad telling people at work “no”? Are you stuck at a job because you feel bad for other people? That is extremely admirable, however you’re far likely to start pouring from an empty cup and most likely will end with resentments. I

In life, people are always going to rely on us. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to help when we are able without causing ourselves stress, resentments, and other negative emotions. Your setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are where you will start to take back some of your freedom.

Healthy boundaries allow us to say no far easier and without guilt or shame. We may be led to feel guilty or shameful and in those cases the “guilt trip” shows a lack of respect for your boundaries! You’re willing to cause stress in your own, single life whereas the individual who relies on you shows little to no respect for your healthy boundaries and decisions.

Healthy Boundaries Allow For Better Choices For Your Health and Well-Being

This one hits home for me personally and allows me to see my growth in a few areas. I was very attracted to the mind and body of a woman a few months ago, probably around March of 2022. We agreed to go out on a date, as I am not bringing women to my house until we are very committed and have plans of moving the relationship forward. We dated a few times. She was well aware I was an alcoholic who had a good amount of sober time leading up to one crucial night.

Her brother was playing one of those “pretend we are those people” type of band where they play – very well – a famous artists songs. I forgot what you call that band and pretend wasn’t proper to use there. As I digress, she invited me to go. As I arrived at the location I sent her a text and asked her if she was aware she invited me to a bar. She answered she did know and didn’t think it was a problem so long as I didn’t drink.

Even to this day, I am not at a place where I see any need to frequent a bar. I left and thanked her for her brief companionship but that we were best off to end it then and there.

Years ago, before I began developing healthy boundaries, I would have probably went in. She was a fantastic woman, very witty and a pleasure to be around. She didn’t respect my healthy boundaries enough to ask if going to a bar would be a problem. Maybe for you there is a diet you have to stick to and people constantly invite you out to eat. That is well and great however, for me at least, aren’t so many times you want to spend $16 on a salad before you say enough?

Although often times healthy boundaries are not life and death, they very well can be. I am completely convinced I am going to die if I drink again. Maybe not instantly, however addiction is extremely progressive and not something I am willing to chance again. This can be dealing with stress in a relationship, or a job as I mentioned above. I firmly believe stress and anxiety are secret killers as they have been shown to contribute to heart disease.

Negative emotions have the potential to kill you. Healthy boundaries have a much better chance to be preventative measures. This is incredibly important for people who have suffered PTSD in relationships! Healthy boundaries will let you know when to say no. Saying no can potentially save you having to put in the work you already have to get better.

Setting healthy boundaries and your health are tough. I have met many people who are addicted to a variety of things yet they had no idea. As I coach them I ask numerous hypothetical questions based around their healthy boundaries. Many times, and I see it regularly while coaching, we have no idea how many ways we could get hit with something. Making life changes should almost have a “prerequisite” of setting healthy personal boundaries!

Let’s Look at a Quick Example of Healthy Boundaries

Look at those two pictures for a little bit. Times up, somewhat kidding, however I will attempt to show how they can look very similar to healthy boundaries as well as unhealthy boundaries. I won’t take much time on this, however I felt this to be a great contrast on the positive and negative healthy boundaries.

The image on the left is an example of bad personal boundaries. The fence looks like it offers some form of security, people will have to be careful getting in. However once they are in, it looks like they have free reign to an entire pasture right? Can you see how it may be difficult if they are running around, trying to catch them and get them back out? Even if you did, they are probably able to cut somewhere down the line and re-enter, right?

Look at the fence on the right now, this is our example of positive healthy boundaries. Compared to the image on the left this one looks like it’s very tough to penetrate. That’s the point, people may try and turn around instead of risking an attempt at sneaking in! Even if they were brave enough to try and get in, they will probably be swarmed by guards and immediately escorted. With this fence, or positive healthy boundaries, they have a much lower chance at sneaking in and causing damage or chaos!

Draw your own analogy around those two fences, make sure you are considering healthy boundaries as well as negatively healthy boundaries. Do you see the difference between having, and not having, healthy boundaries?

Having Healthy Boundaries Can Feel Absolutely Liberating!

Healthy boundaries, especially if you have gone a long time with out them, can eventually feel extremely freeing and liberating. When you consider the fact that you are able to help someone, however also have the ability to maintain your peace and tranquility you should feel empowered. When does that empowered feeling come after you set healthy boundaries? For me it was after saying no.

If you are in a relationship, children or friends, spouse or “special friend you will most likely find resistance after you set what you believe to be healthy boundaries for yourself. I did with a few different relationships.

I also had someone throw their healthy boundary around me when I was causing them issues! That hit me like a sack of bricks, however I was taking them down a bad path in their sobriety. I wasn’t anywhere close to being in recovery however made it seem like I did, until I was in meetings with slurred speech. He lovingly told me he didn’t want me to call him if I had began drinking but rather before and that that was what he was there for.

He explained that although I was an imposing figure, and surely gave him an attitude (which I don’t remember as I began blacking out after the call) he had to. I was affecting his attitude at home, his desire to be a sponsor, and his views toward me. He has the upmost respect for me, when I’m sober, and after discussing it have maintained a very close friendship still. In fact I call him roughly 5 times a week!

Setting healthy boundaries was freeing for him. I am quite sure it will be for you also. Give them a shot! Contact us here and we will see how we can help you! Also, take our flag ship course Lasting Change and thank us later, you can access that and the discounted rates on our coaching services here.

Tags boundaries, Codependency, Codependent, healthy boundaries, healthy relationship, how to handle resentment, positive thinking, resentment

Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

The Boundaries Book – 8 Chapters About the Importance of Boundaries and How To Better Appreciate and Use Them!

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date July 14, 2022
3 Comments on The Boundaries Book – 8 Chapters About the Importance of Boundaries and How To Better Appreciate and Use Them!

We are starting off with something good, I’m calling this next segment the Boundaries Book! This segment will hopefully open your eyes to what the “Boundaries Book” contains! In fact, I plan to refer to this as the “Boundaries Book” because that is what we are going to do, go over everything you can possibly think about that relate to boundaries! Everything we will talk about will be mapped out in the Table of contents, you will see a brief review of the topic and then be able to venture off and read a full article on the topic! As of the time of this writing, They’re all free, I just like the Boundaries Book theme and name.

Why Do We need Healthy Boundaries According to the “Boundaries Book”??

The easiest way to explain the importance of boundaries for me is to look at my dog. She doesn’t go out front because she’s a big kid, she loves people, she will surely run into the street. She also loves other dogs (except for the one next door and across the street) but other dogs don’t care for her. She’s extremely fast and runs circles across around our tenants dogs which aggravates them, you can see personal boundaries in dogs easily (cats are just mean).

Much like her, I have my own boundaries. When I’m on my game it’s evident, when I’m off it’s equally as evident. I can’t go to bars, I can’t be around negativity, and I can’t swear. Those are very healthy boundaries for me. I’m in recovery from severe alcoholism so hanging at a bar isn’t the brightest idea – if you hang around the barber shop long enough you will get a hair cut. If I hang around the bar long enough, that water will turn into a Spirit of some kind…. not a good Holy Spirit either.

This is the first part of the Boundaries Book because it lays the foundation for the rest! Read more about the topic here.

Do You Have Boundary Issues?

I don’t know, do you? All kidding aside, this chapter will help you determine if you have boundary issues as described in the Boundaries Book! This looks at you, the most controllable entity in your life regardless of where you are and what is thrown at you! According to the Boundaries Book, you really need to check this one out and can read this chapter in the Boundaries Book here!

What are Personal Boundaries?

What good would the Boundaries book be if we didn’t discuss this ever important topic?! Probably still a good and enlightening read, surely something that could help you. You’ll enjoy the Boundaries Book series of articles regardless, but this is a crucial topic to fully understand. I will give a few examples as well! Check out this Boundaries Book Segment here.

Why are Personal Boundaries Good for You?

Similar to the last Boundaries Book article, this one touches on why having personal boundaries are important. We will use examples in here so you get a full understanding of the concept!

Poor Boundaries and Intimate Relationships, There’s Suffering Ahead!

This can lead to many red flag type relationships if you are not careful! Even if it doesn’t damage the entire relationship, it can cause harm that may be tough to work out. Read about this topic in the Boundaries Book here.

What do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

They look like the glistening of the sun on a drop of dew hanging from the leaf of a tree. Beautiful and easy to appreciate, but one good blow and they’re gone!

Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries?

Is it ever too late to set healthy boundaries? Maybe, maybe not! The “Boundaries Book” looks at this topic and will provide a few scenarios, probably some you can relate to!

How do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

boundaries book set boundaries fix a relationship by setting boundaries create boundaries in a marriage — THE pinnacle course on creating change in your life!

Boundaries, especially while involved in a relationship can have amazing benefits or dire consequences. This is not 100% in your hands, the outcome that is, but does start with you. You set boundaries by applying what you learn in the course above! Get in now while the getting is good because the awesome content you see in the “Boundaries Book” series of articles is going to be turned into its own mini course for those who struggle with boundaries in relationships!

Until then, read this article which is most likely the last one until we wrap up our segment called the Boundaries Book!

Tags boundaries, Codependency, Codependent, healthy, resentment

Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

Can You Fix a Codependent Relationship? Yes – Here Are 5 More Ways Starting Today

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date July 11, 2022

The last post we covered how to save a codependent relationship and we listed off 5 of 10 ways that are known to help fix a codependent relationship. Again, they take work! I may sound like a broken record, but once it sticks it will make sense. The reason it takes time to fix a codependent relationship, or really any habit or trait we have developed over time, is because we learn through repetition. We like, as living things do, to follow the path of least resistance. That includes when we want to find joy in life and salvage as well as fix a codependent relationship.

Because we have to pay the bills, and because we have seen truly remarkable results – here is a commercial space for our Lasting Change course. And yes, it has helped people who struggle with codependency issues! Click the banner below and then come back and finish reading this article.

Get Ready for Resistance When You Begin to Fix a Codependent Relationship

Who likes change? Nobody, and when you are serving the needs day in and day out as a people pleaser, the one receiving may push back hard. When you are working toward trying to fix a codependent relationship, you will probably face resistance. I have seen this a few times in my intimate relationships, especially lately. And although I am not actively trying to fix a codependent relationship, I saw areas where they could.

One situation was where someone was cleaning a packed car and I went over to drop something off. She was stressed to the max and was cleaning the car out in the heat. She asked a few people for a hand and nobody did, but they were quick with the gripes on how long it took and that they were running late for vacation. So I gave her a hand. She didn’t know what to do with herself, when I help especially if it’s a stressful situation I pretty much take over and “clean house” effectively.

It is typical for her to do a lot to please other people. That’s “who she is” because that’s who she let’s herself be. She was never a client, but a close friend/ex. She is slowly growing boundaries and although I don’t agree with them, there is some progress. She gets resistance when she asks for help. When she tries to make changes, people think the world is going to end! Easy Street gets a detour and it is typically not well received. If you want to fix a codependent relationship, you need to place a detour sign on easy street…

Although her experience was with a family, it just goes to show you can fix a codependent relationship that isn’t romantic. It can be in the house, in a work place, in a club. You name it, you can find a codependent relationship in any situation. My favorite book that explains this in the simplest terms is “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” which I HIGHLY encourage adults to read for themselves as well as their children.

Practice Saying No

can you fix a codependent relationship can you fix a codependent marriage

Saying no to people you love, especially when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship can be very tough. You’re used to saying yes, and it’s all but assumed you will say yes. This gets dicey when you start enacting change. You know you want to say no, but it’s almost like the word gets stuck leaving your mouth, right?

There’s freedom in saying no though! Much more than guilt or shame. When you’re trying to fix a codependent relationship saying no is important. What you’re doing is slowly increasing your role in the relationship. You’re justified in doing so, because it’s a relationship not a master/servant scenario.

Look Through the Eyes of Someone Else

I used to love playing pretend as a child, and it taught me how to be empathetic and really understand where people were coming from. When you are trying to fix a codependent relationship that could be the best way to start. Even if you don’t start here, it really needs to be in the plans.

You can do this yourself, or literally by asking someone outside of the codependent relationship what their thoughts are. What do they suggest? Another way is to look at your relationship through their eyes. If you were them, how would they fix your relationship? Or actually, how would you fix theirs, that makes more sense to ask it that way.

Fix A Codependent Relationship With Help!

If things in your relationship started great but got tougher, or you felt more pressure, as time went on it may be wise to get help. We obviously help with this all the time and you can contact us here for our relationship coaching or simply you for life coaching! In life we normally need a second set of eyes as it is no different when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship! Sometimes outside, professional help is needed and that’s okay!

Ask for Help to Fix a Codependent Relationship, Start Small!

Practice small things like if you, for example, typically clear off the table after dinner ask for people to scrape their plates into the rubbish! It starts with the small stuff. What you’re doing when you do this is slowly getting used to asking for help, and importantly letting people realize even if subconsciously that you may need a hand!

Start Taking Space up to Fix a Codependent Relationship!

Some people call this finding their voice, I call it taking space. Either way this is when you would slowly start interjecting yourself into the decisions and choices. You would be voicing your opinion, you would be taking your share of the relationship. This is typically the culmination for most people when they successfully fix a codependent relationship.

Tags Codependency, Codependent, how to handle resentment, mindset coaching, Relationships, resentment

Relationship Coaching Relationship Problems Uncategorized

Can You Save a Codependent Relationship? Maybe, Here are 10 Places to Start (Part One)

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date July 10, 2022
1 Comment on Can You Save a Codependent Relationship? Maybe, Here are 10 Places to Start (Part One)

If you are in a storybook codependent relationship you may be asking a few different questions. Is this healthy? Can you save a codependent relationship (or can you save a codependent marriage) is another question you may ask, and that is the focus of this relationship. Can you save a codependent relationship? The answer differs in a few ways. A few things to factor in are past hurts from and outside the relationship, is it a trauma bond?

One thing, which I will bring up later due to it’s importance, is you may be comfortable where you are. That’s not to say it is safe, healthy, or joyful, but that you have a warped sense of security in the relationship you are in. Let’s start at the beginning in the following paragraph.

Can you save a codependent relationship? Yes, but is it worth it? Our course is EXTREMELY popular with people who want to try and save a codependent relationship! It breaks down questions you REALLY should be asking about the cause and effect and how to initiate actionable steps and goals.

Regardless, if you’re not happy the steps below could surely help. They may just open your eyes, however before you ask “can I save a codependent relationship” you need to decide if you are better with or without it. That’s a tough pill to swallow and you can surely reach out to us for a hand talking it out! Again there is a lot to consider when you are asking if you can save a codependent relationship.

10 Ways To Save A Codependent Relationship

Question Your Motives

If you are constantly, and only you will know, putting your partners or whoever’s needs before your own, you need to take a step back. You should be doing things out of love, however when it comes to being codependent we often neglect ourselves! Once you start doing a bit more for you, you should have a sense of empowerment. There’s a high chance you may feel guilty, or you “should take care of them” first. That’s codependency talking, don’t listen.

Can you save a codependent relationship? Sure but you have to put yourself into the equation also! We will look at 5 ways you can save a codependent relationship today, and another 5 ways in another post. Believe it or not, we can’t control other people and have it be a healthy relationship! Just like resentment, sometimes we involve other people but for the most part it is up to us to put the bulk of the work in.

How Are You?

In a relationship suffocating with codependency issues, you may know how your significant other, or the person you are codependent toward are feeling before realizing how you are. They may be in a mood, or they may be sad. Realizing how you feel is critical if you want to save a codependent relationship!

get rid of resentment relationships resentment in marriage

It is typical for over identifying with the feelings of your partner more than realizing your own. There’s a freedom in validating how you feel though! Feeling what they are feeling, not in an empathetic way, discounts you. For a healthy and striving relationship, you need balance. At times, especially if you want to save a codependent relationship, you need to be each other’s rock. The roles and times switch, and that’s healthy.

To fix a codependent relationship, I’ll say it again, you need to be in the relationship as an equal. Starting by understanding your own feelings is powerful and can help to save a codependent relationship.

Spend Some Quality Time With Yourself!

Many addicts are codependent, want to know a big reason why? Because we are addicts. Part of addiction is where we run from our pain through the use of narcotics, alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex, and so on. Once you put a substance down, you may develop patterns of escape which include using people as your escape route when things get rough.

It’s tough to sit with your feelings. Most of my alone time involves God. That’s not something I am willing to change, because I often reflect a ton during my time with Him! He’s also my rock and redeemer. In fact, He is helping me with my codependent traits! I’ve been in one relationship after the other since I was a kid. If I wasn’t in one, or at times even if I was, I would already be planning or entering my next one! During my struggles with addiction, I was fine with people just being there because I had my booze to comfort me.

I did not know myself. I knew what food I liked, but I never had it unless we went out to eat. I will tell you that spending quality time with yourself and God (or higher power if that’s how you refer to yours) alone is extremely beneficial. You get use to sitting with your thoughts and feelings. What’s tough about it, is that you have to focus on yourself first.

I’m not saying go and break up with whoever. I started staying alone because I said “hey this can save a codependent relationship, I may be in one.” I was! One after the other, after the other. And it wasn’t just with women I was sleeping with. My kids come first, and still do to an extent but I purposely put myself into things now. Which leads us to our next topic on how you can save a codependent relationship.

Can You Save a Codependent Relationship? You Can, But it Will be Bumpy at First

As I mentioned just above, I’ve been alone for a bit. I actually didn’t tell you, but I have been on my own desires. I am codependent, or was. Or still am but not as bad. Either way I’m better than I was. But in the beginning it was rough. My now ex would ask me what was up regularly. And I knew I wasn’t ready to move in to her new place with her yet, but she would push it constantly. Because she was also codependent!

It was uncomfortable hearing the question, because I didn’t want to hurt her. Which inevitably hurt her more, all I can say is I know better now. If you want to save a codependent relationship, you really have to get used to doing the uncomfortable. My uncomfortable was telling her not yet when I finally had my manhood drop and I said it. It really is a part of maturity by speaking truthfully as long as tact, time, and tone will allow (another conversation for another day). My uncomfortable came from telling my kids no means no! I had to face the uncomfortable to begin including myself.

Have you ever heard “I’m okay as long as you’re okay”? People who want to save a codependent relationship will regularly assume the worst, and fight like heck to avoid it! They put all of their effort into caring for their person. You probably won’t save a codependent relationship doing that, I didn’t. Why is this?

can you save a codependent relationship growing like a flower

As humans we are, I call it, hardwired to avoid pain. Doesn’t it make sense you’d want to avoid pain or discomfort? The human experience is also made to have some discomfort and pain, that is how we grow. That’s an accepted view of Christianity that many miss and get turned off from the church or God. There’s an assumption because we are saved life will be roses and ice cream everywhere. Maybe, but roses have thorns and too much ice cream can cause diabetes.

In fact God does a fabulous job of helping us grow. Sometimes that is through pain and struggle. If you can sin and think you won’t have any ramification, I really pray God blesses you. Because He surely will discipline you! Why not? If you didn’t do as your parents say, part of my uncomfortable spot because it’s newish to me, you get punished. Either losing something or being forced to do something, an extra chore for example.

You can save a codependent relationship but if you really want to save that codependent relationship you better get ready for uneasiness. The good news, not that we have salvation and eternal life through Christ, is that the uneasy feelings pass. It may be awkward for a while, but stick in there. Keep watering yourself you growing flower you!

It’s Your Call, You Decide

Another common issue with being codependent is that we freeze when we have to chose. In a similar way with the concept of can you save a codependent relationship when it comes down to owning your feelings, you may also disown your needs and wants as the relationship goes on. This I have seen is the easiest area that we can work on when it comes to if we can save a codependent relationship or not by our changes behavior. Let’s take a really quick look at it.

We’ve already realized we have to matter, that can be tough. We need to operate alone, that can be tough (and uncomfortable!) at first. But if you really don’t like something, saying no should be easiest. We are talking about can you save a codependent relationship so I really had to italicize the word should – because even if we despise something or really don’t want to do something we may anyway. This is one of the easier starting points toward fixing you and your codependent relationship.

Could you voicing your opinion and deciding lead to arguments? Sure can, and it may lead to brief resentment (make sure it’s brief and work on that by reading this article and the corresponding series on how to handle resentments in a relationship). But we are trying to figure out the answer toward can you save a codependent relationship, you’re going to get push back. Embrace it and work through it.

Your decision could be saying yes or no to an invitation. You may want to miss it, but being a codependent person you will probably agree just to make them happy. Don’t do that, if you don’t want to start with no.

A Great Overview of What Causes Codependency (Center)

This video breaks down shame and codependency. I agree with a lot of what was said, and we seem to be on the same page. I’m personally not one for interviews but did watch this and feel it may be helpful for you! So can you save a codependent relationship? YES But you have to put the work in if the relationship deserves your time and effort.

Tags Codependency, relationship problems, resentment

Relationship Coaching Uncategorized

A Wrap Up! Handle Resentment In A Relationship The Last 9 Ways!

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date June 27, 2022

Are resentment in a relationship the only kind of resentments out there? Nope. When you think about it, and it makes sense, a lot of the resentments we have looked at do focus on more intimate relationships, such as resentment in a relationship, resentment in marriage, and etc. You could have been hurt as I mentioned in a previous post by a church as I was when they parted ways with a recovery group I am in. I still feel it was a foolish move, however it is what it is and the group is still active and fine. I digress. We also discussed how to look inward and how to accept your feelings so what else have we got?

Handle Resentment in a Relationship By Accepting Life on Life’s Terms

Another popular topic in recovery circles such as Celebrate Recovery or Narcotics Anonymous is the idea we have to live life on life’s terms. Sometimes that way of taking care of a resentment in a relationship is tougher, like what if they don’t change?! Well in that case, and if you want to save a codependent relationship (which I have found most to be) it could take a combination of therapy and life coaching. We can help, however I feel this topic is cut back too much. Because for me, I couldn’t live life on life’s terms I had to have my hands in something fixing problems, because that’s what we do correct? No, that’s codependency at it’s finest.

So how do we live life on life’s terms? For me it was surrendering what I can’t control, accepting the fact that I am not God and sometimes I need help navigating a situation. I’m far better now than I was, but it takes work. I reflect daily on how to best resolve situations from many different vantage points, but a big part of it is living the Serenity Prayer to the best of my ability. This helps me a lot when I have to take care of a resentment in a relationship. Sometimes I can’t salvage them and that’s okay.

Sometimes I need to ensure I have higher boundaries, and that’s okay. Sometimes I need to realize I don’t know what I don’t know and that’s also okay… Talk it out with us if you’re stuck, because otherwise you’re just taking away from the rest of your life.

Can Meditation Help Handle a Resentment in Your Relationships?

Maybe. Meditating is a REALLY good exercise to practice. I’d even recommend throwing some guided imagery in there as we talked about guided imagery for anxiety relief here.

What meditating could do to potentially help with a resentment in a relationship is reduce your “negative charge”. I won’t go in depth on the benefits of meditation, however it is helpful. I have found guided imagery in meditation can help reduce the animosity in a relationship from your end.

Use Some Empathy to Help With Your Resentment in A Relationship

Have you ever heard the saying put yourself into the other person’s shoes? Empathy is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse with me. I am an extremely empathetic person. I can look at a situation from 20 different ways (I’ve never counted, I’m just assuming and like the number 20).

But when I’m mad, it’s tough for me to be empathetic with someone. But I will tell you, when I look at the why instead of the what of how I am offended or feeling negatively, I find that sometimes “I get it”. It may not make me okay with whatever they did, however it does make it easier to gain an understanding with them or the situation.

Do NOT Get Even!

Another uncomfortable place to be is when you want to get even. At the time, it may seem like a good idea, maybe even justified in how to handle a resentment in a relationship. For instance, earlier this year I had a couple grab a few coaching sessions, they had been together for a while.

One partner cheated a few times and the other knew. Instead of addressing the cheating, they cheated back. Then the other returned favor again. What was left was a family (with children) who played a tit for tat game of unfaithfulness. I asked them which time in their cheating they felt better. They both had remorse and wanted to get past the cheating issue. But how?

It starts with not getting even. I would suggest if it is safe mentally and physically to handle the situation when it occurs. But when we are feeling pain or in a charged emotional state, good or bad, we do not typically think straight. First we would want to wait until we are calm. Next, address how you feel or what you believe happened and how it made you feel. Do not “go off” on them, in fact guard your tongue. When we argue and begin shouting and name calling there’s a huge chance we are not going to address the topic that needs to be addressed.

Handle Resentment in a Relationship BEFORE it Happens!

Sounds kind of crazy right? How could you have a resentment before you have any kind of relationship with someone? Because your expectations of what the relationship will or won’t consist of may be haywire.

When we enter into relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, we may have an idea of where it will go or bring with it. For instance, I had a LOT of resentments against me in the past. I am very easy to talk to and a people’s person.

Quite a few women had a romanticized idea in their head that I was into them in a way I assured them later I wasn’t, but I enjoyed their friendship. I love people and interacting with them. One girl actually began talking to another girl I was actually interested in to inform her we had something going on. That was a messy end to a friendship because she let a resentment in a relationship grow when there was no need.

So what could I have done? Maybe a few times let them know I enjoyed their friendship or acquaintance. I could have asked them what they wanted from our friendship and how I could be a better friend. I could have acknowledged what I expected in friendships, maybe a bit of time but nothing crazy like needing to hangout every day. On the contrary, they could have expressed their thoughts, ideas, and questions toward me. At the end of the day it is all water under the bridge now.

Look at Yourself Before the Other to Help Handle Resentment in a Relationship

Look within is a powerful concept for many areas of life, and you know by now after reading some posts that I firmly believe we should reflect more. This is another area to reflect on when you have a resentment in a relationship AND you are at a point where you are going to address it! Look at the picture below and we will talk about it briefly before moving on to the next way to handle resentment in a relationship

Obviously we do not walk around with planks in our eyes. However, we also need to see why we are upset, which is similar to what we discussed earlier about looking within. This focuses more on the “I” aspect of your relational issue. You have to own your own experience because you are the only one who has those feelings.

Instead of saying “I can’t forgive you and you screwed up our friendship” remove some of the “blame” and add yourself to the issue. Maybe “what you said was very hurtful and we need to resolve this.” Something along those lines, in switching the blame you are removing the fuse before it gets lit during the conversation! It is better to handle the resentment in a relationship than spreading the fire. In fact, every single relationship you are in will probably have a resentment of some type!

The People You Associate With Could Help The Resentment in a Relationship Ahead of Time

There’s a saying that you are the same as the company you keep. Forget that. You need good, quality, wholesome people in your circle. You need friends who can get together and have a great time of course, but it’s also important to have different circles of friends. Sure you’ll learn a bit from each but I am getting at something different.

I have a lot of the answers if I sit and reflect on things, but I love bouncing ideas I am torn on off of other people. It doesn’t hurt them because not only is the idea not physical when I bounce it (corny joke), but it also helps greatly when I have a resentment in a relationship!

In fact, I bet if we handled things differently the resentment in my marriage would have been dealt with potentially outside of divorce. I’m happy things ended up the way they did and wish my ex wife nothing but the best. But we both held our resentment against each other in! If we entrusted our issues with good and Godly people, the resentment in a relationship could have turned into a detour rather than a road closure.

Another good aspect to having good and positive people around leads into our next topic.

Allowing People to Make Mistakes Will Kill a Resentment in a Relationship Fast

I mentioned at the end that good positive and Godly people will help you with a resentment in a relationship. One thing I learned from people the last few years is forgiveness and acceptance. I struggled bad with alcoholism until 2020, and many people had reason to have resentment in a relationship as I was a truck load of trouble. I was damaged, hurt, confused, and filled with guilt as well as shame. So what happened? They accepted and knew I wasn’t trying to hurt or upset them, but I had no clue how to stop the spiral I had in my life.

Positive people will see the good in you. For a while I had almost zero friends. I ended a long career as a gang member and if I didn’t want to go back, how could I keep them around? I didn’t, but I didn’t feel as though I would fit in with other crowds. Let me tell you, having good and uplifting people around is a blessing.

My brothers and sisters in Celebrate Recovery was a God send. Nobody judged when I mentioned I relapsed, or came back over two years later regularly. They believed in me when I couldn’t and that is what having a good bunch of people around will do for you.

Nobody is perfect, and maybe the Bible passage above fits best here, but it fits in both sections. People, including myself, are not perfect. Having people in different friend circles will allow you to address a resentment in a relationship with another person who is completely neutral to the situation.

Speaking of it, I’m going to do a post on the power of people eventually. They will be there for you to bounce an idea off. They will listen with your best interest at heart and hopefully not tell you what your tickling ears want to hear but rather the truth.

We Now Know How to Handle Resentment in a Relationship, But It’s Not Goodbye…

We made it to the end of our segment on how to handle resentment in a relationship! Your friends, spouse, and anyone else you deal with will most likely be greatful when you practice anything in any of these posts because of a few reasons. We are being more compassionate, accepting, as well as realistic when we practice the 10 methods I mentioned.

Sometimes we may only be able to the Serenity Prayer I will be leaving below and loving our person, people, or group from a far. If you find you are stuck in resentment and just can’t seem to get out of it, contact us and we will surely help you out just click here and get the ball rolling! We have a passion for helping people, and from we are told it really shows! Don’t forget to check out our course on creating lasting change, especially with resentments here!

Tags Codependent, how to handle resentment, mindset, mindset coaches, relationship, resentment, serenity prayer

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Mindset Training – 1 Lesson To Remember From the Storm (Hint… It Doesn’t Have to Be Bad!)

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date June 27, 2022

When it comes to how we see things, we may not realize it at the time, our actions are creating habits. Habits are defines as “a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior”. That definition is from the Merriam-Webster dictionary. You may probably think mindset training isn’t for you, however did you know when it comes to perception we are hardwired to be negative?

Think about that for a moment, it should make sense to you. When we are given a situation we typically go right for what can go wrong with it, agreed? There’s reasons for that just like there’s a reason my dog walks in circles before she lays down. Throughout her families lineage and I’m guessing other breeds as well, they are trained to make sure they aren’t going to lay down on a snake that could kill them. We by nature are wired to avoid danger. Negative thinking, or assuming the worst case scenario is actually natural! But it sucks, and sometimes is extremely unreasonable.

A Commercial Break?

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Let’s Look at Mindset Training In Action

mindset training to help you change your attitude an original meme

mindset coaching techniques mindset couch

Read that meme I made then look at the picture at the bottom of this section. One big concept, sort of like a behind the scenes idea with mindset training is that we create habits. Being said it is easiest to see the impending rain and potentially beautiful storm coming. If you focus too much on those clouds that are on the way and getting ready to consume the moment you miss out on the beauty that remains. It could rain for 3 days and if you don’t focus on the hue of the blue portion while you can, you’ll forget it is behind the clouds.

In life we have beautiful periods, we have darker periods, and we have periods where we aren’t sure if it is going to rain at that moment or how fast it will pass. The blue in the sky gives us a reminder we can see beauty instead of darkness. That storm is going to cover the blue, however once it passes the grass will grow and withering flowers will have a stronger bloom. Actually, what do you think of lightning? You only get lightning in a storm and it can leave you in awe (or shock if you were playing baseball with an aluminum bat next to a tree). It will inevitably come down to the mindset training you’ve done and are working on.

Let Your Mindset Training Lead You to See the Dark Period as Bad…. Very Bad.

Taking that thought a step further, if it stopped raining for a prolonged period we would be left with drought conditions. What happens during a drought? Well, from what I have read in the Bible it can cause death. That’s our dark period, our drought, it’s “death” because we begin to live in fear instead of thriving and growing! One fast moment, if you are a Christian you really should read “Conquer Fear”! And if you’re not, maybe it can open your eyes the same way it did to an atheist friend of mine! I digress…

So what happens when it’s cloudy with a chance of rain? We that’s entirely up to you. You can look at the daunting storm en route, which may or may not happen. You could also say, I have no idea what is coming so I’ll get ready mentally for a few different things. Congratulations, you’ve just practiced mindset training. And honestly, that’s a wise idea. I am a huge proponent of being prepared, for the good and the bad!

Have you ever witnessed one of the coolest things ever? Where it rains and is bright and sunny at the same time? We can look at this as something that happens in life as well! Have you ever been around something that seems like it’s trying to ruin a good time, maybe a person – or your negative thinking? Even though there’s a small sprinkle, the sun is out! View the sprinkle as a refresher, or in life a reminder that although you’ve gotten a little wet you can dry off and enjoy the day.

We need to look at those dark or rainy periods again. Yes, it’s natural but it can get you down and keep you there.

How to Make the Storm Last Longer for Christians

One common false belief that is important to understand is that only good comes to Christians. That can’t be farther from the truth. Do you remember when you started going through sanctification? All good right? Wrong! In fact, for me at least, it was almost as if I had more opportunity to sin come at me! This idea can be incorporated with mindset training and I feel, if you are sound theologically and know the Word this is where mindset training could have started with! Pretty neat huh? Without getting into a ton of what I learned getting my master’s let’s look at the clouds from a Christian vantage point.

The easiest way to make a storm or bad season last for a Christian is to not turn to God, because we seem to think He needs a break occasionally. I still have periods where I keep a hand on the smaller things, and I still get overwhelmed. If I’m going through something that could be a bigger issue as I’m in recovery like many others. A way we can practice mindset training as Christians is by remaining focused on Christ!

We are taught in the Bible to depend on Him, seeking wisdom is urged, and it’s only time before we are in His glory. So, let’s take a fast peak at an example. We are in conversation and we have a prompt from the Holy Spirit. He wants us to ask a stranger we are speaking with how they feel about Christ. We start to clam up and say, there’s no way I can do this! And we blow something that was set up by God, trust me I have done it more than a handful of times. Let’s take a peak at another example.

I’ve been coaching a while and one issue I see is how long some of us hang on to “impending doom”. I’m not an Angel yet, and I had been through the court system a few times. My dad pointed it out to me one time that I was constantly “mind (bad word)” myself. I was causing myself angst and stress. I was holding on to that doom that came a few times, but nowhere as often as I had imagined. I would stay up for nights stressing about failing a urinalysis, or what would happen with my ex girlfriend if I went away. I missed out on a lot of good times, wholesome family good times, because mentally I was drowning in my own rain storm.

Recently I have been through really bad situations. I saw my upward focus and mindset training in action. I attended a living wake for one of my favorite aunts. If it wasn’t for God helping me the months before with mindset training I would have cracked, back in the day I relapsed over way less. She was alive, barely. She was weak and tired and there were more than a few times I had to get up and walk away because I was with my youngest son and was very choked up. I stayed. My mindset training was more of a crash course at that time as living wakes are not common. I was able to compose myself and discuss amazing memories we had as a family in that room. I watched the sunset partly from her vantage point. When my son asked, I was able to tell him it was tough and I was having a hard time but it’s okay. God and mindset training were crucial for that experience. I had a beautiful last encounter with her, and though it still pains me a bit she is gone I will share in God’s glory with her eventually.

How Do We tie All of This Together?

Mindset training will make us or break us. We create a natural habit of seeing the worst, but it’s just as easy to look for the bright spots. So how can you incorporate mindset training in life? You may have to start being as positive as possible and really try especially if you suffer from depression or anxiety. You may have to write down as soon as your able to what joy or blessing you found in a given situation. One thing I have seen work is focusing on the good in the situation when you are explaining it to someone else.

Regardless it is called mindset training for a reason, as I mentioned we are hardwired to see the negative or detrimental aspects of a situation. We need to train to see the good. I’ve been there, I know all about it!

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Another Way to Get Rid of Resentment Against Someone Starting Now! Part 2

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date June 10, 2022
1 Comment on Another Way to Get Rid of Resentment Against Someone Starting Now! Part 2

Another Way to Get Rid of Resentment Against Someone… From the Inside?

We said in the first post about how to handle resentment against someone that there would be more, we speak the truth because, well, here’s the next one! It will be a slightly shorter post, but equally as important! In the last post we discussed acceptance and we won’t be going over that again. This post is all about what’s hidden behind your resentment. Another way of saying this, is why is your resentment towards someone there. There’s a few ways to figure this out that do not involve sitting on a shrinks couch (and there is NOTHING wrong with that, in fact we encourage people who need it to go!)

Sometimes, like if someone hurt you or you just found out they lied to you, it’s easy to know why you have a resentment; and thus you may have an idea of how to get rid of resentment against someone/that person. Other times, it may not be all that easy.

Someone could have wrong you ages ago and it keeps festering up, sort of like in our last post. Here’s something we don’t want to think about, but if you want to work on how to get rid of resentment against someone you need to. It may be something they have. Remember, causes of resentment can be envy, anger, and etc.

I am a huge fan of reflecting, and honestly if your not sure where your resentment is coming from, you may want to do this. You are trying to figure out how to handle resentment against someone after all. This is a big part of 12 Step programs such as Celebrate Recovery. The rest of this article is going to help you on that reflecting.

First, try and think about when these feelings began. Can you pin point a day or time you started feeling ill will or against that person? Was it an instant feeling, like one day you were just mad at them?

Was there a specific time or event that caused this or these feelings of resentment? I ask it this way because there could have been a few or several times or events that “helped” you getting to where you are now.

Now we are figuring out how to get rid of resentment against someone, but what if it was a place? There are countless individuals we have helped (we can probably count them) who didn’t have a resentment against a person, but rather a place. Sometimes it’s a group. I had a resentment against a church with how the board handled a situation!

If your resentment is with your kid or maybe partner because they don’t help around the house or with bills, your resentment may be not with them but somewhere else. For example, you could be feeling overwhelmed and it comes out as resentment. Make sense?

In the end, there is no set “way” of knowing how to get rid of resentment against someone. It is possible, and we will continue our series on resentment shortly! Again, in closing, I can not stress the benefit of reflecting and being honest with yourself. If you’re denying the idea, or saying “it can’t be that toward them” you will be less likely to get rid of resentment toward that person or place!

I may sound like a broken record, but sometimes resentment issues can be tough to figure out or realize on your own. We are here for you! We also have our course on creating Lasting Change which has been proven to increases your chances of not only changing a habit or lifestyle, but keeping that change!!

Mindset Coaching Uncategorized

Am I In A Codependent Relationship? 10 Ways to Know AND Ways to (Potentially) Save It!

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date June 4, 2022
1 Comment on Am I In A Codependent Relationship? 10 Ways to Know AND Ways to (Potentially) Save It!

What Is A Codependent Relationship?

In layman’s terms, a codependent relationship is a crappy relationship that will leave you feeling nervous, empty, and not happy. Another way to describe this type of red flag relationship is that it typically contains a giver and a taker. They can start very subtly and grow into a beast that can be tough to see, but there are ways out! So how do we figure out if we are in one? We have a list below with 10 “symptoms”. And also a quiz that can be taken here.

In a Codependent Relationship You Don’t Matter!

To everyone else you may, but to you they come before first. Way before you. In fact if you are the giver, you probably can’t afford to offer yourself self care (say that 10 times fast). It is extremely common to feel good when the taker is happy, it is also common for you to feel extremely guilty when you find yourself enjoying yourself. What is really scary about this symptom of a codependent relationship is that eventually you begin trying to pour from an empty cup.

It’s An Extremely One Sided Relationship. A One Sided Codependent Relationship

I sort of hinted in the opening paragraph about this one. It’s possible to have two codependent people in a relationship, however a giver and taker are more common. This symptoms has one person being a harder worker, picking up the slack for someone without necessarily realizing it. For example, the giver works all day and comes home and does whatever they asked the taker to do. There may be resentment, but typically nothing is said.

“I have to Save Them… From Themselves!”

This is where the giver acts more like a caregiver than a friend or significant other. What are you saving them from? It could be their addiction, it could be their anger also, do they “not do things” right in your eyes and you have to help them? You can feel like you want their “issues” to be solved more than anyone, including themselves! At the end of the day it is entirely up to them to create a lasting change. That includes all of their flaws, addictions, and whatever else is wrong for them. If you’re the sole care taker for them and they keep making the same mistakes you my friend are in a codependent relationship.

You’re The Potter, They’re The Clay

codependent relationship signs of codependent relationship codependent relationship quiz

This sign of a codependent relationship is extremely unhealthy. If you were someone else looking at it, you would probably even say “they don’t even really love them because they are trying to change them!” This is where the idea of the potter and the clay come in. You have them in this heap and you are constantly trying to adjust and decorate them so they become more of your dream person.

Take It Easy? Get Out of Here With That Evil Talk!

Similar, all of these traits are if you think about it, to another symptom of a codependent relationship this focuses on your selfishness. Do you feel off when you’re taking care of them? Asked in another way, when you’re by yourself with your feet in grass at a park or in a stream do you feel selfish for not doing something for them? Doing what? Well you should be doing something for them instead of taking care of yourself, right?

“Feeling excessive guilt for doing anything for yourself is another major characteristic,”
Dr. Derrig

How Do You Feel About Your Relationship? Well That’s a Tricky Question…

Do you find it tough to realize what is tough and what is glorious in your relationship? Is it a relationship where you have mixed feelings or emotions about, well all of it? Reflection is a beautiful and powerful tool we can use in life, and we thoroughly encourage it when we are engaged in mindset coaching. When you’re in a codependent relationship you find yourself more worried about their feelings than yours. The next one is a huge sign. Look at it after this picture break.

She is probably the most codependent “person” I know. She’s a sweetheart though.

Where Are They? I’m About to Freak Out!

One of the most common signs of a codependent relationship is feeling sick, worried, nervous, or that the world is going to fall apart if you haven’t heard from them. Have they read your message is a thought you wonder constantly, are they okay?! They must be doing something wrong or they could be in trouble. Quickly to the Stress Mobile to go and rescue them! Is that how it goes in your head? This is a symptom that you are in a codependent relationship. “Why am I like this?!” Well, it’s become you have probably become dependent on them, hence the term codependent relationship.

There’s Nobody Here!

Another sign you have entered or helped to create a codependent relationship is that you have trouble being alone. This can be either from the taker of the relationship or the fact you literally can’t care (read it as self care) for yourself. This is extremely common and a potential root cause has been from over-involved or under-involved parents when you were a little drool tot yourself. When you’re alone, you can’t put your focus into someone else and that bothers you.

I Can’t Make It Fred Has 5 Minutes Off in 5 Hours so I have to Be Available

If you are routinely cancelling plans because you need to spend time with your partner or whoever is the taker you are in a what? A codependent relationship, great guess! You may cancel plans with your family or other things, even attending a concert you were really looking forward to! Again, this is another red flag relationship symptom.

Your Home Isn’t Your Home

Did you ever redecorate something to make it more like home, for someone else? There is nothing wrong at all with making someone feel comfortable in your house, the difficulty comes when you make it all theirs. Here’s a tip if you get really down the second they leave, reorganize a small itty bitty section so that it feels more like “yours” when they aren’t there.

“I Hate to Bug You But… Nevermind, I’m Sorry”

Hate speaking up and voicing your opinion to them? You don’t feel like you are intimidated by them, but you need them happy and speaking up, well you may hear something you do not want to. Did I nail this one in your relationship? If so, let’s talk. This one hits home and even until somewhat recently maybe a year ago I was personally stuck here. I’m not anymore and that makes me feel tremendously free. In this symptom/sign of a codependent relationship you’re literally pushing your feelings aside and not giving them a chance to be validated. Guess what…. YOU have valid feelings!

The Big One…. B-B-B-Boundaries.. YIKES!

You finally get the guts and smallest sense of self worth to speak up and place boundaries, but they spiral out of control! The taker loses their crap, right? Setting up boundaries is going to be different and potentially scary for anyone involved. It’s different, right? It’s uncomfortable and they may feel like you are almost taking away from them! Welcome to the pain of a codependent relationship.

How Can We (Maybe) Save a Codependent Relationship?

codependent relationship quiz codependent relationship examples

I am really strict (read also being adamant) about my boundaries being respected, but in the beginning it was tough. When I took a step back and saw the pains and hell of a codependent relationship, I became aware that the negatives outweighed the positives. Most of the list I can easily relate to. I took some time for myself and I started to flourish. We had a very good patch after, but my biggest change was realizing I didn’t need her. I wanted her. I needed God first and foremost! I mean, He did save me from severe alcoholism.. Anywho there’s my mini testimonial. If the relationship was to be saved, how would we do it? Let’s look at the condensed list below, or you can jump into the Lasting Change Course we created! People are loving it and there’s amazing discounts that go along with it! Grab it right here, you won’t regret it!

Can it be Saved? Here’s The List!

Get UNBIASED (incredibly important) OUTSIDE perspective and CONSIDER that insight
Work on it together, do all parties want a healthy relationship? Get to working on it!
How is your value system doing these days? MAKE time to reflect – this is healthy and something we NEED to do in life! No guilt about it either.
Look at your earliest relationships, has this been a common trend?
Agree on the healthy boundaries! (Coach Jay is a beast at this when used as a “referee”), set them, and work on them! Do not expect perfection overnight
Be dedicated to the process of healing your codependent relationship.
Allow the giver to take. If the taker is reading this, be comfortable giving a little.
We all have feelings, EXPRESS THEM and when you get them toward you, ask for explanation when you are not sure!
Realize you are in a codependent relationship and you want it fixed!

Should I Leave?

If it is obscenely abusive emotionally or mentally, yes. If it’s physical GET OUT OF THERE! Those are literally the signs.

I Am In A Codependent Relationship, What do I do Now?!

There are a few things you can do. Get cracking on the “Can I Save it List”. Grab a consultation with us, explain the situation and we will help you work out a plan to get it done. If it’s safe (important consideration) for your physical safety, sign up for our Relationship Coaching and we will get through this together! Realize this is a process and there has to be change and take advantage of our course at it’s low price that you can use again and again and again! Grab the Guided Steps Lasting Change Course Here.

Realize This…

You matter, you have feelings, you have opinions, you have ideas. You have this ONE life and it is not too late to start turning it around NOW. The power is in your hands to change. Start believing in yourself because I sure believe in you. It’s time to stop the codependent relationship and enjoy a fruit bearing, mutually beneficial, and exciting relationship!

Tags Codependency, Codependent, mindset coaching, positive thinking, Relationships

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Self Talk: Discover The Power, Consequences, and 5 Levels of Self Talk You NEED To Know!

Post author By Coach Jay
Post date May 16, 2022

What is Self Talk?

Self-talk is the way you talk to yourself, or your inner voice. You might not be aware that you’re doing it, but you almost certainly are. This inner voice combines conscious thoughts with inbuilt beliefs and biases to create an internal monologue throughout the day.
healthdirect.gov.au

I began talking to someone who became basically a best friend to me, we share a lot. One thing in specific she shared resonates with me when I envision self talk. “Sometimes I tell myself, you got this Squish.” She’s by no means a large girl, but the self talk I see is where she acts as her own personal cheer leader “you got this.” As you read this article, I have a small challenge for you to do on a day off as well as during a busy day. Here’s the challenge:

Self Talk Challenge

Get a small piece of paper of something similar, and take note of two things each in their own column. One column is for positive self talk, the other column is for negative self talk. I’d love to hear your results. Does it have to be during a busy day and a day off? Of course not, you can take part of a busy day and part of a relaxed time during the same day. Give it a shot and see how you do!

Positive Self Talk

There was a great basketball player named Karl Malone who would talk to himself when shooting free throws regularly. Nobody knows what he would say, only himself. But it shows that he understood the power of self talk and would deliberately speak to himself prior to shooting his free throws. He didn’t typically miss many free throws, he was an amazing basketball player and reached the Hall of Fame. Which type of self talk do you think he used?

I’d wager, although I don’t gamble, that he used positive self talk. We will dig into each of the levels in a bit. Even if you use positive self talk regularly, you still won’t be successful on every attempt at whatever you are attempting. However, what you’re doing with positive self talk versus negative self talk is training your mind to be more positive.

What are some Benefits of Positive Self Talk?

I’ll provide a list below, however positive self talk, your inner dialogue you have with yourself in general leads to more positivity. Some aspects I have an issue believing, such as having more stamina, however positive self talk is simply…. more positive! That makes sense right? Heading back to the stamina idea briefly, I can see some minute merit, however unless it is mental stamina for say a doctor or prosecutor I see little on how self talk can effect a physical aspect. There is some merit also to psychosomatic however it is far too long to get into for this article. Let’s look at some of the effects from positive self talk that I do agree with:

Lower amounts of mental fatigue
Less stress
Greater life satisfaction

And there are a few physical health benefits as well such as:

Better immune function (correlates to lower stress which I am sold on)
Reduced risk of early death (see above)
Increased vitality

Positive self talk in a nut shell has been shown to lead to a more successful and enjoyable life. As mentioned above, not in these words, nothing will ever go as planned all the time. However, when you are used to positive self talk you are also able to destress far faster which makes stressful situations, less stressful!

What About Negative Self Talk?

Want to guess what the negative to negative self talk/negative inner dialogue is? If you guessed the opposite of positive self talk you nailed it! What’s funny is that this is almost an identical Yin to positive self talk’s Yang! Let’s look at some negative effects:

People with depression and anxiety typically engage in negative self talk!
Higher risk of self harm
Reduced sex drive
Isolation
Minimal desire to be outgoing or even attend events with people close to you

The list honestly gets worse, negative self talk suffice to say can be a literal nightmare. Sometimes therapy is all but required, and that’s OK. If you took part in the challenge I have above, you probably see there’s work to be done. Having work to be done is also okay, as I pointed out in a previous article the epitaph for Ruth Bell Graham. A quick reminder, her tombstone said, paraphrased, that construction was completed once she had passed.

The key here is not only to realize you have a negative inner dialogue, but to address it and change it. We are here if you need help, or you can be like others who have addressed their inner dialogue successfully with our “Four Steps to Lasting Change” course here.

4 or 5 Levels of Self Talk?

Are there four or five levels of self talk? Just like with theology, psychology, and any other “ology” there is some fighting around this topic. There could be five levels, however the “final” level I feel is not only near impossible to reach during your lifetime, it is a dangerous area as far as mental health goes. Again, this is my opinion and I am not a licensed therapist. An interesting foot note is not many of the licensed counselors or therapists I met give much credence to attaining a fifth level of self talk. It will be briefly discussed along with the others, however don’t break yourself trying to get there.

positive negative self talk levels of self talk

The first level of self talk is the low side of a 1 through 4 scale. You talk down on yourself, there are many self limiting beliefs that you say, even if you don’t hear them from everyone else. You’re rather hard on yourself. I’ve been there myself, and before I worked on it through the course mentioned above (I practice what I preach!) I would find myself in dark spots for ages! I still get there, I’m human, however I have no more “bad periods” of a month but rather a few minutes. If you find yourself hanging around this type of inner dialogue, you surely want to change the conversation!

The second level moves us up a notch on the positive/negative scale of self dialogue/inner dialogue. This level isn’t as bad. This is our “realization” level. This level many say we have to get out of, and I agree we shouldn’t stay there as we want to progress to the top level, however this level is a huge improvement from the lower level! In life, especially if you struggle with anxiety or depression or just as I call it “blahness” we need to embrace progress and victory.

Again, we don’t want to train ourselves or program out mindset to accept and stay on this level, but we are improving. If you stay here too long you could be looking at developing a guilt issue. I myself struggled with guilt for ages and that was tough to get out of, but I did!

Third level is where we start to see groundwork being done. This level is where we accept the concept of “getting better”. It’s really a milestone for people who have poor self talk habits and programming. As you saw in the graphic above, you have a lot of “I no longer” talk because you’re accepting of your progress!

The fourth level is where you want to get to and stay at. It’s the highest level, in my humble opinion, of self talk and the safest area to program yourself and work toward. This is where you really see the self belief take a foothold in your life. There is a lot of positive going on, leading to more contentedness. Here’s a video below that recaps these. It’s 12 minutes and change, but I can’t help being long winded. Nothing wrong with that, most people enjoy being around my personality!

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