Why Do We Need Healthy Boundaries?
In our introductory article about of the Boundaries Book segment which you can read here, we discussed the need for healthy boundaries. What’s interesting about this topic is that healthy boundaries in a relationship are deeper than simply referring to intimate relationships! Just like healthy relationships such as in your love life are important, equally as are professional boundaries important!
In the intro article for the Boundaries Book, I mentioned a healthy boundary for my dog was basically the back yard. It keeps her contained and safe from dogs that would most likely eat her alive, as well as preventing her from running into the street. Healthy boundaries are incredibly important for people recovering from addiction.
Healthy Boundaries From a World View
We can look at, without getting political because this isn’t the place for it if you leave a comment, healthy boundaries from a world view. Look at almost any country in the Middle East, Afghanistan would probably be a good example compared to the United States and we can see the benefits of healthy boundaries in a relationship with a bigger picture.
Although Afghanistan is a country, I wouldn’t dream of calling it a sovereign nation. There are war lords that run rampant and they have extremely porous borders. Although the citizens are typically nice from what I have heard, a lot of people (terrorists) who want to do harm across the globe like the area – because their boundaries are almost non existent. I’m assuming they have some form of boundaries but I have never, nor will I ever, been there.
Although the borders are more porous than they have been in recent times, the United States is an example of a sovereign nation with mostly secured borders. Shortly after the 2001 attacks by terrorists there was another individual who tried to enter the country through I believe it was Vancouver up in Canada. They had bombs or bomb making material and were trying to enter the United States. Their attempt failed. Along with Homeland Security, our borders also helped to thwart their attack.
So if we look at the healthy versus unhealthy borders, we can actually see how we can relate healthy boundaries to them and their effects. With healthy boundaries, we have more of a sense of self. Some people call it their inner peace commonly and we can see how protecting that peace is important. If the terrorists were to attack a city, picture your heart as the city, it would cause harm. Your emotional well being is their cities. The attacks would damage your sense of self. With the stronger borders, the healthy boundaries, although an attack could still occur it would be tougher.
Knowing who you are and what you need to protect is where you start. Healthy boundaries in a relationship can, and should, secure your past experiences. For years I had issues getting close to people, because of an early trauma where my “Grammy” died. If they were late, “missing in action”, or had lied I would snap and act completely inappropriately. This looked like severe physical attacks on males or purposely seeking out someone to have sexual relationships with that wasn’t my partner simply to get back at them. Nobody is perfect, myself included, however I also did not have healthy boundaries!
Healthy Boundaries Allow YOU to Decide How You Want to be Treated
There realistically is not much I could have done when I acted that way, because I had no idea why I did until I began opening up very slowly to people I was intimate with. I took loss of life hard, which being a former gang member was tough because it is expected that we would end up in a jail cell or coffin. I had to really get to know myself and face what bothered me so severely. One day I found out when it just clicked and a therapist told me where my temper came from. That was followed by a desk being thrown at him for even bringing it up. He was right!
Healthy boundaries, as I mentioned above, come from our experience as a human. Even after we resolve traumatic issues, these healthy boundaries act as a force field where we get a say in how we are treated. Healthy boundaries would have been an expectation of other people. No matter how bad something could be, tell me the truth is something I should have said. If you’re not going to be on time regardless of why, or if you needed space I should have told them to let me know.
For you, a healthy boundary can look like nearly anything – because I don’t know you yet. However, when you establish healthy boundaries it is extremely important to ensure they do not get crossed. When I established my healthy boundaries with people, I unfairly gave them a one and done chance – even if they had no clue what the newly formed healthy boundary was.
When you set your healthy boundaries, and if you want to change how you feel due to actions by others essentially, you need to set rules. If someone constantly keeps crossing your boundary, even if they are just skirting around the edge, you have to put a stop to it. If you don’t like them talking with a new girl, assuming you are in an intimate relationship with them, and they continue to do so they are in essence dictating to you how you will be treated. You don’t deserve that and it takes away from your person- hood.
You Live Life MORE On Your Terms With Healthy Boundaries
Again no politics, our country and inside its borders is known as a source of freedom. Many people rush to America because we are safe, provide generally a better quality of life, and also offer a better chance of “success” in a general sense of the word which equates to education as well as prosperity. Healthy boundaries for you can provide similar benefits!
Have you ever been egged into something that you wasted time on for ages? For me I have had my share of things I have gotten into against better judgement, or desire. I’m willing to bet you can relate. Have you, as a parent, ever allowed your children to hang around with someone or a group you were sketchy towards only to be proven right? But your child wanted it, and you wanted them happy. You can’t make a better yesterday, however you can learn from it with healthy boundaries and begin to create a much better tomorrow.
There was a group I was always hanging out with, to me they were my friends, and my mother had no issue with me going out with them. Or so I thought, I was told that she and my sister both had an issue with a few people in particular. Against her better judgement, she allowed me to hang out with my best friends both before I was 18 and after because she felt she didn’t have a say. Honestly, until I was about 25 I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.
One of those “friends” was a high ranking gang member alongside me and I had a lot of respect for him. We both adhered to the code of the streets – death before dishonor, and no “snitching”. After we were stopped in a park around 11 PM we were taken out of the vehicle and a large amount of narcotics and weapons were seized. I didn’t have to tell the police it was his, they already knew! However, he had no issue pointing blame at me.
I will put zero blame on my mother, however healthy boundaries could have looked like “if you go with him, you’re not coming home.” She could have followed that up with a “and this is why.” We can not make a better yesterday. When I speak with my parents rarely about my past, they do wish they had enforced healthy boundaries and reached out to more people.
The other friendship resulted in a raid on our house looking for multiple firearms. My parents had to pay the price for my actions, not with DCF or their own arrests (the police didn’t bother to look in the yard) but regret for not placing healthy boundaries around me, and themselves. Another acquaintance stole from my dad’s wallet (he later paid back what he stole and much more physically and financially) while he was asleep. They hated that individual in particular.
Healthy boundaries can look like much more, that can actually deal directly to your joy or contentedness with life, as well as stress. Do you feel bad telling people at work “no”? Are you stuck at a job because you feel bad for other people? That is extremely admirable, however you’re far likely to start pouring from an empty cup and most likely will end with resentments. I
In life, people are always going to rely on us. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to help when we are able without causing ourselves stress, resentments, and other negative emotions. Your setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are where you will start to take back some of your freedom.
Healthy boundaries allow us to say no far easier and without guilt or shame. We may be led to feel guilty or shameful and in those cases the “guilt trip” shows a lack of respect for your boundaries! You’re willing to cause stress in your own, single life whereas the individual who relies on you shows little to no respect for your healthy boundaries and decisions.
Healthy Boundaries Allow For Better Choices For Your Health and Well-Being
This one hits home for me personally and allows me to see my growth in a few areas. I was very attracted to the mind and body of a woman a few months ago, probably around March of 2022. We agreed to go out on a date, as I am not bringing women to my house until we are very committed and have plans of moving the relationship forward. We dated a few times. She was well aware I was an alcoholic who had a good amount of sober time leading up to one crucial night.
Her brother was playing one of those “pretend we are those people” type of band where they play – very well – a famous artists songs. I forgot what you call that band and pretend wasn’t proper to use there. As I digress, she invited me to go. As I arrived at the location I sent her a text and asked her if she was aware she invited me to a bar. She answered she did know and didn’t think it was a problem so long as I didn’t drink.
Even to this day, I am not at a place where I see any need to frequent a bar. I left and thanked her for her brief companionship but that we were best off to end it then and there.
Years ago, before I began developing healthy boundaries, I would have probably went in. She was a fantastic woman, very witty and a pleasure to be around. She didn’t respect my healthy boundaries enough to ask if going to a bar would be a problem. Maybe for you there is a diet you have to stick to and people constantly invite you out to eat. That is well and great however, for me at least, aren’t so many times you want to spend $16 on a salad before you say enough?
Although often times healthy boundaries are not life and death, they very well can be. I am completely convinced I am going to die if I drink again. Maybe not instantly, however addiction is extremely progressive and not something I am willing to chance again. This can be dealing with stress in a relationship, or a job as I mentioned above. I firmly believe stress and anxiety are secret killers as they have been shown to contribute to heart disease.
Negative emotions have the potential to kill you. Healthy boundaries have a much better chance to be preventative measures. This is incredibly important for people who have suffered PTSD in relationships! Healthy boundaries will let you know when to say no. Saying no can potentially save you having to put in the work you already have to get better.
Setting healthy boundaries and your health are tough. I have met many people who are addicted to a variety of things yet they had no idea. As I coach them I ask numerous hypothetical questions based around their healthy boundaries. Many times, and I see it regularly while coaching, we have no idea how many ways we could get hit with something. Making life changes should almost have a “prerequisite” of setting healthy personal boundaries!
Let’s Look at a Quick Example of Healthy Boundaries
Look at those two pictures for a little bit. Times up, somewhat kidding, however I will attempt to show how they can look very similar to healthy boundaries as well as unhealthy boundaries. I won’t take much time on this, however I felt this to be a great contrast on the positive and negative healthy boundaries.
The image on the left is an example of bad personal boundaries. The fence looks like it offers some form of security, people will have to be careful getting in. However once they are in, it looks like they have free reign to an entire pasture right? Can you see how it may be difficult if they are running around, trying to catch them and get them back out? Even if you did, they are probably able to cut somewhere down the line and re-enter, right?
Look at the fence on the right now, this is our example of positive healthy boundaries. Compared to the image on the left this one looks like it’s very tough to penetrate. That’s the point, people may try and turn around instead of risking an attempt at sneaking in! Even if they were brave enough to try and get in, they will probably be swarmed by guards and immediately escorted. With this fence, or positive healthy boundaries, they have a much lower chance at sneaking in and causing damage or chaos!
Draw your own analogy around those two fences, make sure you are considering healthy boundaries as well as negatively healthy boundaries. Do you see the difference between having, and not having, healthy boundaries?
Having Healthy Boundaries Can Feel Absolutely Liberating!
Healthy boundaries, especially if you have gone a long time with out them, can eventually feel extremely freeing and liberating. When you consider the fact that you are able to help someone, however also have the ability to maintain your peace and tranquility you should feel empowered. When does that empowered feeling come after you set healthy boundaries? For me it was after saying no.
If you are in a relationship, children or friends, spouse or “special friend you will most likely find resistance after you set what you believe to be healthy boundaries for yourself. I did with a few different relationships.
I also had someone throw their healthy boundary around me when I was causing them issues! That hit me like a sack of bricks, however I was taking them down a bad path in their sobriety. I wasn’t anywhere close to being in recovery however made it seem like I did, until I was in meetings with slurred speech. He lovingly told me he didn’t want me to call him if I had began drinking but rather before and that that was what he was there for.
He explained that although I was an imposing figure, and surely gave him an attitude (which I don’t remember as I began blacking out after the call) he had to. I was affecting his attitude at home, his desire to be a sponsor, and his views toward me. He has the upmost respect for me, when I’m sober, and after discussing it have maintained a very close friendship still. In fact I call him roughly 5 times a week!
Setting healthy boundaries was freeing for him. I am quite sure it will be for you also. Give them a shot! Contact us here and we will see how we can help you! Also, take our flag ship course Lasting Change and thank us later, you can access that and the discounted rates on our coaching services here.
