Welcome to the next chapter of the Boundaries Book! In our last segment we looked at 13 different examples to see if we have boundary issues. If you do, keep paying attention as this is the chapter we are going to take a good look at personal boundaries. We will cover all sort of great topics, such as a personal boundaries definition, the negative impact of personal boundaries, and my favorite – examples of good and poor personal boundaries! The third chapter already eh? Let’s keep trucking along!
This section will be a tad shorter than the rest of the Boundary Book articles. Although we can say personal boundaries are simply what you will or will not stand for, or allow, is the answer really that easy? Sure, it absolutely could be, however I think it goes further as that idea is really just the tip of the iceberg. Have you ever heard of anyone refer to our being and living or existence as “The Game of Life?” I have and it really fits here. I love how the University of Berkeley explained personal boundaries.
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.
I hate not being able to cite properly and give credit where it’s due. That’s actually a personal boundary I set for myself, not taking what is not mine. I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit put that heavy on my heart, it is one of the 10 Commandments overall and in my past life I had no issue grabbing whatever I wanted! Not the best way to live at all. I digress.
The saying by the University of Berkeley in regard to personal boundaries brings to life, no pun intended, the Game of Life saying I mentioned before. A game has rules and limits. Another way we can describe limits is by using the word boundaries. Is it clicking yet? Now when we play a game, it’s not always full of fanfare and woohoo hoorahs right? Sometimes we really stink at it so we have to practice and get better at it. Personal boundaries are no different!
The 3 Different Types of Personal Boundaries
As I mentioned above these relate to a game, and as we have discussed in depth the importance of self talk we should view this as a game. By getting better at different levels, we will get a higher score. The fun here is enjoying the fact you are able to enjoy life more, with less resistance.So what are the 3 different personal boundaries? They are rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries.
The 3 Personal Boundary Types
As mentioned there are three types, you can think of them like Goldie Locks and the three bears. With that childhood story, there were three different personalities. Personal boundaries work the same way however instead of too hot, too cold, and just right we have rigid, porous, and healthy personal boundaries.
Rigid personal boundaries can appear to be very stand-off-like. This type of boundary has very few close and intimate relationships. The individual is also extremely unlikely to ask for help, even when they and everyone else knows they could use it. They typically seem to be detached from people and this is very telling in marriage or a long term relationship. Another sign is that they seem detached and may not realize it, but subconsciously have a fear of rejection.
Porous personal boundaries are almost the polar opposite in terms of relationships. This personal boundary type has no issue disclosing information to people, in fact as we saw in the last article of the Boundary Book they may typically overshare. With this border type you will find the individual is extremely dependent on other people’s opinions even for basic things, such as “what do you want to eat”. They can be found involved in everyone’s drama as well! This type of personal boundary can be seen as being extremely codependent as they have difficulty saying no and fear rejection if they do not act or think like they feel someone wants them to.
Finally, we have healthy personal boundaries type. This can be seen as the baby bear in the Goldie Locks story. They are able to say no without fear of rejection or ramifications. This personal boundaries type can also ask for help when needed without being over dependent on other people. You can also find that they have a decent amount of close relationships and typically only divulge personal information with those they are closest with. This personal boundaries type will also have no problem classifying people as acquaintances, colleagues, or intimate friends/significant others and interact with each group differently as far as conversations go.
Personal Boundaries Are Not a One Size Fits All Approach To Life – Welcome in Boundary Confusion
Personal Boundary Type = Knock You Out Aussie Style
Boundary confusion sounds like it could be confusing when we are talking about personal boundaries, and it very well could be. Actually, boundary confusion is confusing and is something I feel goes along with enforcing healthy personal boundaries and relationship problems. In fact, I think I may have met maybe a handful of people who do not at least occasionally have a mixture of the three main personal boundary types!
Something I have found very interesting with the way we use words is, well how we use words. We place very little importance on word usage. For me, I have a boundary in my house (a rule) that I don’t want to hear music with swears in it. I catch myself swearing occasionally, and 9/10 times it’s from music and I have to correct myself. This rule only applies to my children, one because I rather visit than have company, and two most adults who do visit don’t typically ask if they can play music on my television. I don’t let my children swear, no I don’t wash their mouths out, but I have no say over other adults.
Realistically that could look like what I call boundary confusion. Different people are able to act or use things differently. It’s really not boundary confusion at all. Again, people who know me typically swear less out of respect for my wishes compared to my children who I am disciplining to be respectable adults. I’ll end the argument regarding swearing with my opinion – a foul mouth does not make you seem more intelligent nor does it make you more attractive.
Some people you will probably notice after looking at the descriptions of the types of personal boundaries will be a mix of rigid and porous personal boundaries. This is extremely common as we are not one-size-fits-all robots! Some people get by, but this is where a lot of relationship problems can be seen. I’m not versed enough in the “love languages” to say I buy it, but I think people are simply that, unique people. I can shower some people with gifts and others I absolutely love spending a day with them!
The issue in relationships I have seen is where two polar opposites collide. I’ve found this is typically when the relationship, in a romantic sense, starts based mainly on looks. Additionally, we find polar opposite personal boundaries clashing due to the massive increase in online dating! So what do we do? Where do we go? We start to either work on ourselves or the relationship! We specialize in that over here, helping to find a balance that is. Plus change is hard! Thank goodness for our lasting change course which you can get by clicking the button below!
We are following up the article on why you need healthy boundaries with this piece, “how do you know if you have boundary issues”. We could start with a quiz, but I like typing and explaining things so I guess I won’t. We know the benefits, some of them, as well as why you need healthy boundaries as we saw in the last article from the Boundaries Bookhere.
So how do you know if you have boundary issues? I ended up going down a rabbit hole that led to an incredible, 2 years worth, of research with what started from a past client asking how they could get past boundary issues with their mother-in-law. In a way, that actually led to the boundaries book. I digress as usual, so let’s jump into the question of “how do you know if you have boundary issues”.
Although we are not talking about the legality of this question, and when you discuss real property such as real estate boundary issues can cause significant headaches. I know that because my B.S. is in Legal Studies (you couldn’t pay me enough to practice law!). Toward the end we will relate a bit with the analogy of how a fence causing a boundary issue can relate to your own personal boundary issues.
In my years as a coach, I have seen boundary issues in the form of both physical actions as well as emotions. These pesky little issues can turn into huge problems in a few ways. If we leave them unaddressed, they can effect our relationships as well as take away from the joy and peace we should be able to enjoy in life.
Boundary Issues Follow Trends
If you look at the stock market, you will see trends with more established stocks. Personally, prior to 2020 I used to use the 1/3/5 year charts (not candle sticks and I will not attempt to get into stocks, this is only for an analogical example). You can tell and potentially guess where a stock will go with and without typical news. News can cause a stock’s price to increase or decrease on a whim and typically bounces back. Sometimes the decrease or increase sticks. Regardless we can tell a lot by the trend of the stock.
Boundary issues even if it is a candlestick pattern
The same can be seen with us and boundary issues! Boundary issues will typically follow a past trend and do not normally just pop out of now where, like the stock’s reaction to news. We can almost dictate where or when something will happen. We get to this point through reflection. People in recovery seem to figure this part out during what is called the “dreaded” fourth step. In Celebrate Recovery which I attend meetings, like other recovery programs such as AA or NA but with a Christian viewpoint, we take a “fearless moral inventory” of ourselves.
This moral inventory done in the 4th Step work will help us see our trends. It is extremely helpful to see where our boundary issues may lay and the part we play in it! I encourage everyone to consider doing step work at least once in their life. It’s freeing, especially when we consider boundary issues and we can actually see them!
As you will see in the brief descriptions and issues below, it makes sense what was stated before. That boundary issues tie into a trend. Where they started is not something we will get into as they change for everyone. It could be PTSD or sexual/physical/emotional abuse and how it affected us.
Look at the image above of the candlestick pattern. Do you notice how it starts, then raises, and then completely drops off? You can view some boundary issues in much the same way. The relationships, normally during the flirting/courting stages will start off good, skyrocket, and then plummet. Can you relate to that? Over time I could, it turns out I had a horrendous issue with communication! In fact, some of the following signs that you have boundary issues I can completely relate with below!
Boundary Issue Examples
Again, we are not getting into causes of boundary issues. We are different as we are humans and not robots. What caused your boundary issues will likely differ from what can cause them in others.
The list below is not comprehensive, but are easy to spot a mile away as they are extremely common. Sometimes you may not even notice this until they are pointed out to you – which I am notorious for in the nicest way possible. Either way, once you honestly realize that you may have one or two, I would highly suggest working with us, or a therapist, to straighten thing out. You owe it to yourself. Also, click the banner below to secure your special session rates and lifetime access to the course that you can use not only to address boundary issues but other aspects or changes in your life!
Are you ready to take control over your boundary issues and more importantly your life?
Do You Typically Feel Used?
At time we can feel like a revolving door, where people have no issue using us – easily – for their own gain. This can be seen as constantly asking for a favor, or waiting until you are in a specific emotional state leaving you feeling “used and abused”. This is an example of having boundary issues.
Unresolved boundary issues can be an easy way in
Are You the Relationship (Unofficial) Handyman?
This is one I can clearly relate to, especially with my most recent ex girlfriend. She had an addiction issue, and I saw areas in her life I could circle on a board and point out without questions asked. And when she didn’t work on them, I’d start having resentments. This is one of the most common boundary issues you will find, in fact almost everyone I have personally coached has shown this particular boundary issue. When it comes to boundary issues, specifically this one we feel we need to fix people or their problems. I in fact use to pray that God would give me her problems instead.
Having this type of boundary issue can lead us down dark roads of aggravation, resentment, disappointment, and overall poor feelings. Even if we don’t show the emotion superficially, this one also takes away from you living a fulfilling life.
Do You Feel Like Your Name Should Be Rocky?
I’m not asking this in an underdog hero type. Sometimes boundary issues are secondary effects to a larger issue. This is similar to addiction where most people use a substance because they see that it covers up other feelings or memories. If you find that you are fighting or always debating, not to prove a point but literally just to be right at any cost, you may have boundary issues. Like addiction not being the main issue, although it may be the worst, this is a side effect or could relate to other issues. Like the Handyman I mentioned above, this would be a symptom of that issue where people do not act your way.
I Don’t Even Know You And I Love You!
Another common one which can be seen as being boundary issues on its own or a symptom. Most of the time I see this with boundary issues relating to abandonment or mistreatment. I can unfortunately relate to this one as well. This can be tough to fix, however I found that being comfortable in my own skin helped alleviate this. This is also another reason I would cheat toward the end of relationships, I needed to have someone there ready.
This, I have found, is also quite common in the younger generations. Often people will talk for a very brief period and it seems like almost immediately move in with the person they just started dating. When we get attention, we want to give all of our attention to the person showing us time and affection. Can you relate to this one? Most people can as this is one of the most common boundary issues.
Are Your Relationships Bi Polar?
Similar to looking like the stock market example above, this one looks at your relationships in a familiar, but still different way. This question deals with pondering if your relationships are incredibly awesome or extremely horrible. You will find this in many relationships now a day. The relationship seems to have no middle ground, “or chill zone” like one of my sons called it which makes sense to me. There are extreme polar opposites in your relationship and it’s literally all or nothing. This shows signs that you could have boundary issues, but also that you may either be celebrating or in a defensive mode all the time which isn’t necessarily boundary issues but can surely add to them.
“I Love You. Never mind I Hate You. WAIT, I Love You Again!”
I had a few of these types of relationships when I was younger. Some of the time I’d be the one out the door, but then I’d walk back in like I forgot something. These can be seen as constantly off and on again relationships. Sort of like the preceding boundary issue example, but with this you’re actually willing to break up – when your mad.
I have seen time and again that this type of boundary issue stems from anger and resentment (If you want to work on how to not hold resentments read this). Although most boundary issues are emotion based, you’ll see that there are a lot of actions involved, including this where you are actually “breaking up” as well.
Do you hate drama? Does it seem like drama somehow always finds you and involves you? If you answered yes to the second part, you may have boundary issues! How do I know? I’ve seen it more times than I can count. Boundary issues as you’ve seen so far, tend to come from us allowing things to happen or continue to happen.
If ALL of Your Relationships Are Tough You May Have Boundary Issues..
This can stem from a few different things, however at the end they all seem to point to one thing, boundary issues. A few of the most common reasons that your relationships may be difficult is that you stay in an uncomfortable or unhealthy “zone”. You rely on people to make all of the desicions. If you ever go clothes shopping with me, you will find I have this issue.
Clothes shopping and dinner prep is where I’m at, however I am also known to hate regretting decisions. Being a thug in the 1990’s and earlier 2000’s I can say I have a justified gripe; have you seen how tight the pants are now a day?! I digress and that may be a poor example of boundary issues. Here is another one that relates to this example, “what church do we want to go to?” Or when in general someone makes a pick because you can’t, you find yourself arguing with how their pick was bad and you could have done better, but you can’t make the decision.
Codependency is a huge one we covered rather in depth before. If you hate letting people down, and you often find you hold a resentment that you had to help them, this is a huge sign that you have boundary issues. I can, again, relate to this one very well. I felt I had to fix everyone’s issues. Recently, I said I can’t and almost gave myself a pat on the back because it was huge for me to realize again my growth.
Relationships I find, again, are difficult if nothing changes. You are either putting in far too much effort in an attempt to help or save someone, you stay in your comfort zone regardless of how unhealthy it is, or you are afraid to think for yourself but hate the ideas of others.
You May Have Boundary Issues If You Are Always Drained!
This one I can say I relate to, but also that I’ve grown out of doing. I am able to help people on my terms, such as one of my son’s who is constantly going for medical testing and appointments (prayers for my boys is always welcomed and appreciated) and I find I have to rush to get “my life” into a day. Although I am blessed and grateful I get to take him and spend time with him, it can get tiring.
Assuming you are fully healthy physically, if you find yourself constantly tired because you are trying to live some semblance of a life you may have boundary issues. This is also a sign of people pleasing and codependency issues which surely relate to boundary issues. Sometimes with boundary issues when we are busy helping others, we have a fear we are going to miss out on what we want to do. This shows in boundary issues when you are seemingly worn for no reason as well. You could be pouring from an empty cup.
If You Overshare Details You Probably Have Boundary Issues
Where exactly this comes from, I have not found an intelligent hypothesis yet I agree with as there are tons of possibilities. However, boundary issues show here as oversharing intricate and, what should be, private details only intimate people with you should know occurs with people you just meet. To take it a step further, you may share these details with people who should just be classified as a colleague and don’t really have business (a career pun, you’re welcome) knowing a certain side of you as it is not pertinent information.
This can open the door to really nasty stuff, either intentionally or unintentionally by the person receiving your information. They could manipulate you by playing on a certain “heart string” you shared that, again, the average person shouldn’t know. I’m not saying that you should rehearse an entire conversation in your head before it happens because that’s just crazy, to an extent as I do it occasionally within reason.
There’s a relative to sharing too much with strangers that shows not only boundary issues but intimacy issues as well! It is panicking, or simply not sharing, when you consider sharing the same information with someone you are or at least should be growing close to! Again, these are boundary issues which probably, read surely, stem from something deeper.
Everything Hurts Me! Is Another Sign of Boundary Issues
You can probably figure it safe to assume you have boundary issues if you regularly feel like you are the victim. This can show in a few different ways. It typically comes from acceptance issues as well as accountability issues oddly I have found. I am not referring to running into red flag relationships where you are constantly physically assaulted, that’s a different story for a different day (read topic, not story).
I am talking about where you feel constantly overlooked (and maybe you are, a second set of eyes will surely help you realize this!) or blamed. Maybe you always feel like someone is attacking you with their thoughts, ideas, or opinions and you either fight or flight instead of hearing them out. Yep, that’s another sign of boundary issues.
Guilt and Anxiety Are Your Most Common Emotions
You probably have boundary issues if you find a lot of guilt and anxiety all over your life. It could be from even thinking about taking the last piece of cake for example. It could be you fear what others will say when you have an idea. I suffered boundary issues related to guilt and shame, not so much but surely to an extent anxiety as well. It kept me drinking, way too much (in all honesty one is too many here on out so I abstain fully in my recovery).
Boundary Issues Shown Through A Lack of Respect
Although it seems a lot of these relate to each other, the biggest relation is with ourselves. With a lack of respect boundary issues can be seen as well. We may walk around resenting things all the time and a lot of those can come not so much from actions per se but the feeling we are no being respected, either our wishes or statements.
A Quick Boundary Issues Recap and Where We Go From Here
You made it to the end! If you answered yes to a few of those, guess what….. you have boundary issues. As you saw, I did too! They are extremely manageable, but it takes a few different things to get past them. Setting boundaries sounds like it’s the toughest, but in reality it is enforcing the boundaries I have found.
Again, I have been in your shoes I would bet. Don’t let the list, or even the fact you have boundary issues, get you down. As I always say we are here and more than able to help you sort them out and move from here (suffering from the effects of boundary issues) to there (living a life free from boundary issues!). At the end, it is up to you if you set and stick with them. We are here to help coach you through them, or you can also go through our course and potentially do it yourself!
Up next is the next segment from the Boundaries Book, hope you are ready for it!
In our introductory article about of the Boundaries Book segment which you can read here, we discussed the need for healthy boundaries. What’s interesting about this topic is that healthy boundaries in a relationship are deeper than simply referring to intimate relationships! Just like healthy relationships such as in your love life are important, equally as are professional boundaries important!
In the intro article for the Boundaries Book, I mentioned a healthy boundary for my dog was basically the back yard. It keeps her contained and safe from dogs that would most likely eat her alive, as well as preventing her from running into the street. Healthy boundaries are incredibly important for people recovering from addiction.
We can look at, without getting political because this isn’t the place for it if you leave a comment, healthy boundaries from a world view. Look at almost any country in the Middle East, Afghanistan would probably be a good example compared to the United States and we can see the benefits of healthy boundaries in a relationship with a bigger picture.
Although Afghanistan is a country, I wouldn’t dream of calling it a sovereign nation. There are war lords that run rampant and they have extremely porous borders. Although the citizens are typically nice from what I have heard, a lot of people (terrorists) who want to do harm across the globe like the area – because their boundaries are almost non existent. I’m assuming they have some form of boundaries but I have never, nor will I ever, been there.
Although the borders are more porous than they have been in recent times, the United States is an example of a sovereign nation with mostly secured borders. Shortly after the 2001 attacks by terrorists there was another individual who tried to enter the country through I believe it was Vancouver up in Canada. They had bombs or bomb making material and were trying to enter the United States. Their attempt failed. Along with Homeland Security, our borders also helped to thwart their attack.
So if we look at the healthy versus unhealthy borders, we can actually see how we can relate healthy boundaries to them and their effects. With healthy boundaries, we have more of a sense of self. Some people call it their inner peace commonly and we can see how protecting that peace is important. If the terrorists were to attack a city, picture your heart as the city, it would cause harm. Your emotional well being is their cities. The attacks would damage your sense of self. With the stronger borders, the healthy boundaries, although an attack could still occur it would be tougher.
Knowing who you are and what you need to protect is where you start. Healthy boundaries in a relationship can, and should, secure your past experiences. For years I had issues getting close to people, because of an early trauma where my “Grammy” died. If they were late, “missing in action”, or had lied I would snap and act completely inappropriately. This looked like severe physical attacks on males or purposely seeking out someone to have sexual relationships with that wasn’t my partner simply to get back at them. Nobody is perfect, myself included, however I also did not have healthy boundaries!
Healthy Boundaries Allow YOU to Decide How You Want to be Treated
There realistically is not much I could have done when I acted that way, because I had no idea why I did until I began opening up very slowly to people I was intimate with. I took loss of life hard, which being a former gang member was tough because it is expected that we would end up in a jail cell or coffin. I had to really get to know myself and face what bothered me so severely. One day I found out when it just clicked and a therapist told me where my temper came from. That was followed by a desk being thrown at him for even bringing it up. He was right!
Healthy boundaries, as I mentioned above, come from our experience as a human. Even after we resolve traumatic issues, these healthy boundaries act as a force field where we get a say in how we are treated. Healthy boundaries would have been an expectation of other people. No matter how bad something could be, tell me the truth is something I should have said. If you’re not going to be on time regardless of why, or if you needed space I should have told them to let me know.
For you, a healthy boundary can look like nearly anything – because I don’t know you yet. However, when you establish healthy boundaries it is extremely important to ensure they do not get crossed. When I established my healthy boundaries with people, I unfairly gave them a one and done chance – even if they had no clue what the newly formed healthy boundary was.
When you set your healthy boundaries, and if you want to change how you feel due to actions by others essentially, you need to set rules. If someone constantly keeps crossing your boundary, even if they are just skirting around the edge, you have to put a stop to it. If you don’t like them talking with a new girl, assuming you are in an intimate relationship with them, and they continue to do so they are in essence dictating to you how you will be treated. You don’t deserve that and it takes away from your person- hood.
You Live Life MORE On Your Terms With Healthy Boundaries
Again no politics, our country and inside its borders is known as a source of freedom. Many people rush to America because we are safe, provide generally a better quality of life, and also offer a better chance of “success” in a general sense of the word which equates to education as well as prosperity. Healthy boundaries for you can provide similar benefits!
Have you ever been egged into something that you wasted time on for ages? For me I have had my share of things I have gotten into against better judgement, or desire. I’m willing to bet you can relate. Have you, as a parent, ever allowed your children to hang around with someone or a group you were sketchy towards only to be proven right? But your child wanted it, and you wanted them happy. You can’t make a better yesterday, however you can learn from it with healthy boundaries and begin to create a much better tomorrow.
There was a group I was always hanging out with, to me they were my friends, and my mother had no issue with me going out with them. Or so I thought, I was told that she and my sister both had an issue with a few people in particular. Against her better judgement, she allowed me to hang out with my best friends both before I was 18 and after because she felt she didn’t have a say. Honestly, until I was about 25 I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.
One of those “friends” was a high ranking gang member alongside me and I had a lot of respect for him. We both adhered to the code of the streets – death before dishonor, and no “snitching”. After we were stopped in a park around 11 PM we were taken out of the vehicle and a large amount of narcotics and weapons were seized. I didn’t have to tell the police it was his, they already knew! However, he had no issue pointing blame at me.
I will put zero blame on my mother, however healthy boundaries could have looked like “if you go with him, you’re not coming home.” She could have followed that up with a “and this is why.” We can not make a better yesterday. When I speak with my parents rarely about my past, they do wish they had enforced healthy boundaries and reached out to more people.
The other friendship resulted in a raid on our house looking for multiple firearms. My parents had to pay the price for my actions, not with DCF or their own arrests (the police didn’t bother to look in the yard) but regret for not placing healthy boundaries around me, and themselves. Another acquaintance stole from my dad’s wallet (he later paid back what he stole and much more physically and financially) while he was asleep. They hated that individual in particular.
Healthy boundaries can look like much more, that can actually deal directly to your joy or contentedness with life, as well as stress. Do you feel bad telling people at work “no”? Are you stuck at a job because you feel bad for other people? That is extremely admirable, however you’re far likely to start pouring from an empty cup and most likely will end with resentments. I
In life, people are always going to rely on us. When we have healthy boundaries we are able to help when we are able without causing ourselves stress, resentments, and other negative emotions. Your setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are where you will start to take back some of your freedom.
Healthy boundaries allow us to say no far easier and without guilt or shame. We may be led to feel guilty or shameful and in those cases the “guilt trip” shows a lack of respect for your boundaries! You’re willing to cause stress in your own, single life whereas the individual who relies on you shows little to no respect for your healthy boundaries and decisions.
Healthy Boundaries Allow For Better Choices For Your Health and Well-Being
This one hits home for me personally and allows me to see my growth in a few areas. I was very attracted to the mind and body of a woman a few months ago, probably around March of 2022. We agreed to go out on a date, as I am not bringing women to my house until we are very committed and have plans of moving the relationship forward. We dated a few times. She was well aware I was an alcoholic who had a good amount of sober time leading up to one crucial night.
Her brother was playing one of those “pretend we are those people” type of band where they play – very well – a famous artists songs. I forgot what you call that band and pretend wasn’t proper to use there. As I digress, she invited me to go. As I arrived at the location I sent her a text and asked her if she was aware she invited me to a bar. She answered she did know and didn’t think it was a problem so long as I didn’t drink.
Even to this day, I am not at a place where I see any need to frequent a bar. I left and thanked her for her brief companionship but that we were best off to end it then and there.
Years ago, before I began developing healthy boundaries, I would have probably went in. She was a fantastic woman, very witty and a pleasure to be around. She didn’t respect my healthy boundaries enough to ask if going to a bar would be a problem. Maybe for you there is a diet you have to stick to and people constantly invite you out to eat. That is well and great however, for me at least, aren’t so many times you want to spend $16 on a salad before you say enough?
Although often times healthy boundaries are not life and death, they very well can be. I am completely convinced I am going to die if I drink again. Maybe not instantly, however addiction is extremely progressive and not something I am willing to chance again. This can be dealing with stress in a relationship, or a job as I mentioned above. I firmly believe stress and anxiety are secret killers as they have been shown to contribute to heart disease.
Negative emotions have the potential to kill you. Healthy boundaries have a much better chance to be preventative measures. This is incredibly important for people who have suffered PTSD in relationships! Healthy boundaries will let you know when to say no. Saying no can potentially save you having to put in the work you already have to get better.
Setting healthy boundaries and your health are tough. I have met many people who are addicted to a variety of things yet they had no idea. As I coach them I ask numerous hypothetical questions based around their healthy boundaries. Many times, and I see it regularly while coaching, we have no idea how many ways we could get hit with something. Making life changes should almost have a “prerequisite” of setting healthy personal boundaries!
Let’s Look at a Quick Example of Healthy Boundaries
Look at those two pictures for a little bit. Times up, somewhat kidding, however I will attempt to show how they can look very similar to healthy boundaries as well as unhealthy boundaries. I won’t take much time on this, however I felt this to be a great contrast on the positive and negative healthy boundaries.
The image on the left is an example of bad personal boundaries. The fence looks like it offers some form of security, people will have to be careful getting in. However once they are in, it looks like they have free reign to an entire pasture right? Can you see how it may be difficult if they are running around, trying to catch them and get them back out? Even if you did, they are probably able to cut somewhere down the line and re-enter, right?
Look at the fence on the right now, this is our example of positive healthy boundaries. Compared to the image on the left this one looks like it’s very tough to penetrate. That’s the point, people may try and turn around instead of risking an attempt at sneaking in! Even if they were brave enough to try and get in, they will probably be swarmed by guards and immediately escorted. With this fence, or positive healthy boundaries, they have a much lower chance at sneaking in and causing damage or chaos!
Draw your own analogy around those two fences, make sure you are considering healthy boundaries as well as negatively healthy boundaries. Do you see the difference between having, and not having, healthy boundaries?
Having Healthy Boundaries Can Feel Absolutely Liberating!
Healthy boundaries, especially if you have gone a long time with out them, can eventually feel extremely freeing and liberating. When you consider the fact that you are able to help someone, however also have the ability to maintain your peace and tranquility you should feel empowered. When does that empowered feeling come after you set healthy boundaries? For me it was after saying no.
If you are in a relationship, children or friends, spouse or “special friend you will most likely find resistance after you set what you believe to be healthy boundaries for yourself. I did with a few different relationships.
I also had someone throw their healthy boundary around me when I was causing them issues! That hit me like a sack of bricks, however I was taking them down a bad path in their sobriety. I wasn’t anywhere close to being in recovery however made it seem like I did, until I was in meetings with slurred speech. He lovingly told me he didn’t want me to call him if I had began drinking but rather before and that that was what he was there for.
He explained that although I was an imposing figure, and surely gave him an attitude (which I don’t remember as I began blacking out after the call) he had to. I was affecting his attitude at home, his desire to be a sponsor, and his views toward me. He has the upmost respect for me, when I’m sober, and after discussing it have maintained a very close friendship still. In fact I call him roughly 5 times a week!
Setting healthy boundaries was freeing for him. I am quite sure it will be for you also. Give them a shot! Contact us here and we will see how we can help you! Also, take our flag ship course Lasting Change and thank us later, you can access that and the discounted rates on our coaching services here.
We are starting off with something good, I’m calling this next segment the Boundaries Book! This segment will hopefully open your eyes to what the “Boundaries Book” contains! In fact, I plan to refer to this as the “Boundaries Book” because that is what we are going to do, go over everything you can possibly think about that relate to boundaries! Everything we will talk about will be mapped out in the Table of contents, you will see a brief review of the topic and then be able to venture off and read a full article on the topic! As of the time of this writing, They’re all free, I just like the Boundaries Book theme and name.
The easiest way to explain the importance of boundaries for me is to look at my dog. She doesn’t go out front because she’s a big kid, she loves people, she will surely run into the street. She also loves other dogs (except for the one next door and across the street) but other dogs don’t care for her. She’s extremely fast and runs circles across around our tenants dogs which aggravates them, you can see personal boundaries in dogs easily (cats are just mean).
Much like her, I have my own boundaries. When I’m on my game it’s evident, when I’m off it’s equally as evident. I can’t go to bars, I can’t be around negativity, and I can’t swear. Those are very healthy boundaries for me. I’m in recovery from severe alcoholism so hanging at a bar isn’t the brightest idea – if you hang around the barber shop long enough you will get a hair cut. If I hang around the bar long enough, that water will turn into a Spirit of some kind…. not a good Holy Spirit either.
This is the first part of the Boundaries Book because it lays the foundation for the rest! Read more about the topic here.
I don’t know, do you? All kidding aside, this chapter will help you determine if you have boundary issues as described in the Boundaries Book! This looks at you, the most controllable entity in your life regardless of where you are and what is thrown at you! According to the Boundaries Book, you really need to check this one out and can read this chapter in the Boundaries Book here!
What good would the Boundaries book be if we didn’t discuss this ever important topic?! Probably still a good and enlightening read, surely something that could help you. You’ll enjoy the Boundaries Book series of articles regardless, but this is a crucial topic to fully understand. I will give a few examples as well! Check out this Boundaries Book Segment here.
Similar to the last Boundaries Book article, this one touches on why having personal boundaries are important. We will use examples in here so you get a full understanding of the concept!
This can lead to many red flag type relationships if you are not careful! Even if it doesn’t damage the entire relationship, it can cause harm that may be tough to work out. Read about this topic in the Boundaries Book here.
They look like the glistening of the sun on a drop of dew hanging from the leaf of a tree. Beautiful and easy to appreciate, but one good blow and they’re gone!
Is it ever too late to set healthy boundaries? Maybe, maybe not! The “Boundaries Book” looks at this topic and will provide a few scenarios, probably some you can relate to!
THE pinnacle course on creating change in your life!
Boundaries, especially while involved in a relationship can have amazing benefits or dire consequences. This is not 100% in your hands, the outcome that is, but does start with you. You set boundaries by applying what you learn in the course above! Get in now while the getting is good because the awesome content you see in the “Boundaries Book” series of articles is going to be turned into its own mini course for those who struggle with boundaries in relationships!
Until then, read this article which is most likely the last one until we wrap up our segment called the Boundaries Book!
The last post we covered how to save a codependent relationship and we listed off 5 of 10 ways that are known to help fix a codependent relationship. Again, they take work! I may sound like a broken record, but once it sticks it will make sense. The reason it takes time to fix a codependent relationship, or really any habit or trait we have developed over time, is because we learn through repetition. We like, as living things do, to follow the path of least resistance. That includes when we want to find joy in life and salvage as well as fix a codependent relationship.
Because we have to pay the bills, and because we have seen truly remarkable results – here is a commercial space for our Lasting Change course. And yes, it has helped people who struggle with codependency issues! Click the banner below and then come back and finish reading this article.
Get Ready for Resistance When You Begin to Fix a Codependent Relationship
Who likes change? Nobody, and when you are serving the needs day in and day out as a people pleaser, the one receiving may push back hard. When you are working toward trying to fix a codependent relationship, you will probably face resistance. I have seen this a few times in my intimate relationships, especially lately. And although I am not actively trying to fix a codependent relationship, I saw areas where they could.
One situation was where someone was cleaning a packed car and I went over to drop something off. She was stressed to the max and was cleaning the car out in the heat. She asked a few people for a hand and nobody did, but they were quick with the gripes on how long it took and that they were running late for vacation. So I gave her a hand. She didn’t know what to do with herself, when I help especially if it’s a stressful situation I pretty much take over and “clean house” effectively.
It is typical for her to do a lot to please other people. That’s “who she is” because that’s who she let’s herself be. She was never a client, but a close friend/ex. She is slowly growing boundaries and although I don’t agree with them, there is some progress. She gets resistance when she asks for help. When she tries to make changes, people think the world is going to end! Easy Street gets a detour and it is typically not well received. If you want to fix a codependent relationship, you need to place a detour sign on easy street…
Although her experience was with a family, it just goes to show you can fix a codependent relationship that isn’t romantic. It can be in the house, in a work place, in a club. You name it, you can find a codependent relationship in any situation. My favorite book that explains this in the simplest terms is “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” which I HIGHLY encourage adults to read for themselves as well as their children.
Practice Saying No
Saying no to people you love, especially when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship can be very tough. You’re used to saying yes, and it’s all but assumed you will say yes. This gets dicey when you start enacting change. You know you want to say no, but it’s almost like the word gets stuck leaving your mouth, right?
There’s freedom in saying no though! Much more than guilt or shame. When you’re trying to fix a codependent relationship saying no is important. What you’re doing is slowly increasing your role in the relationship. You’re justified in doing so, because it’s a relationship not a master/servant scenario.
Look Through the Eyes of Someone Else
I used to love playing pretend as a child, and it taught me how to be empathetic and really understand where people were coming from. When you are trying to fix a codependent relationship that could be the best way to start. Even if you don’t start here, it really needs to be in the plans.
You can do this yourself, or literally by asking someone outside of the codependent relationship what their thoughts are. What do they suggest? Another way is to look at your relationship through their eyes. If you were them, how would they fix your relationship? Or actually, how would you fix theirs, that makes more sense to ask it that way.
Fix A Codependent Relationship With Help!
If things in your relationship started great but got tougher, or you felt more pressure, as time went on it may be wise to get help. We obviously help with this all the time and you can contact us here for our relationship coaching or simply you for life coaching! In life we normally need a second set of eyes as it is no different when you are trying to fix a codependent relationship! Sometimes outside, professional help is needed and that’s okay!
Ask for Help to Fix a Codependent Relationship, Start Small!
Practice small things like if you, for example, typically clear off the table after dinner ask for people to scrape their plates into the rubbish! It starts with the small stuff. What you’re doing when you do this is slowly getting used to asking for help, and importantly letting people realize even if subconsciously that you may need a hand!
Start Taking Space up to Fix a Codependent Relationship!
Some people call this finding their voice, I call it taking space. Either way this is when you would slowly start interjecting yourself into the decisions and choices. You would be voicing your opinion, you would be taking your share of the relationship. This is typically the culmination for most people when they successfully fix a codependent relationship.
If you are in a storybook codependent relationship you may be asking a few different questions. Is this healthy? Can you save a codependent relationship (or can you save a codependent marriage) is another question you may ask, and that is the focus of this relationship. Can you save a codependent relationship? The answer differs in a few ways. A few things to factor in are past hurts from and outside the relationship, is it a trauma bond?
One thing, which I will bring up later due to it’s importance, is you may be comfortable where you are. That’s not to say it is safe, healthy, or joyful, but that you have a warped sense of security in the relationship you are in. Let’s start at the beginning in the following paragraph.
Regardless, if you’re not happy the steps below could surely help. They may just open your eyes, however before you ask “can I save a codependent relationship” you need to decide if you are better with or without it. That’s a tough pill to swallow and you can surely reach out to us for a hand talking it out! Again there is a lot to consider when you are asking if you can save a codependent relationship.
If you are constantly, and only you will know, putting your partners or whoever’s needs before your own, you need to take a step back. You should be doing things out of love, however when it comes to being codependent we often neglect ourselves! Once you start doing a bit more for you, you should have a sense of empowerment. There’s a high chance you may feel guilty, or you “should take care of them” first. That’s codependency talking, don’t listen.
Can you save a codependent relationship? Sure but you have to put yourself into the equation also! We will look at 5 ways you can save a codependent relationship today, and another 5 ways in another post. Believe it or not, we can’t control other people and have it be a healthy relationship! Just like resentment, sometimes we involve other people but for the most part it is up to us to put the bulk of the work in.
How Are You?
In a relationship suffocating with codependency issues, you may know how your significant other, or the person you are codependent toward are feeling before realizing how you are. They may be in a mood, or they may be sad. Realizing how you feel is critical if you want to save a codependent relationship!
It is typical for over identifying with the feelings of your partner more than realizing your own. There’s a freedom in validating how you feel though! Feeling what they are feeling, not in an empathetic way, discounts you. For a healthy and striving relationship, you need balance. At times, especially if you want to save a codependent relationship, you need to be each other’s rock. The roles and times switch, and that’s healthy.
To fix a codependent relationship, I’ll say it again, you need to be in the relationship as an equal. Starting by understanding your own feelings is powerful and can help to save a codependent relationship.
Spend Some Quality Time With Yourself!
Many addicts are codependent, want to know a big reason why? Because we are addicts. Part of addiction is where we run from our pain through the use of narcotics, alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex, and so on. Once you put a substance down, you may develop patterns of escape which include using people as your escape route when things get rough.
It’s tough to sit with your feelings. Most of my alone time involves God. That’s not something I am willing to change, because I often reflect a ton during my time with Him! He’s also my rock and redeemer. In fact, He is helping me with my codependent traits! I’ve been in one relationship after the other since I was a kid. If I wasn’t in one, or at times even if I was, I would already be planning or entering my next one! During my struggles with addiction, I was fine with people just being there because I had my booze to comfort me.
I did not know myself. I knew what food I liked, but I never had it unless we went out to eat. I will tell you that spending quality time with yourself and God (or higher power if that’s how you refer to yours) alone is extremely beneficial. You get use to sitting with your thoughts and feelings. What’s tough about it, is that you have to focus on yourself first.
I’m not saying go and break up with whoever. I started staying alone because I said “hey this can save a codependent relationship, I may be in one.” I was! One after the other, after the other. And it wasn’t just with women I was sleeping with. My kids come first, and still do to an extent but I purposely put myself into things now. Which leads us to our next topic on how you can save a codependent relationship.
Can You Save a Codependent Relationship? You Can, But it Will be Bumpy at First
As I mentioned just above, I’ve been alone for a bit. I actually didn’t tell you, but I have been on my own desires. I am codependent, or was. Or still am but not as bad. Either way I’m better than I was. But in the beginning it was rough. My now ex would ask me what was up regularly. And I knew I wasn’t ready to move in to her new place with her yet, but she would push it constantly. Because she was also codependent!
It was uncomfortable hearing the question, because I didn’t want to hurt her. Which inevitably hurt her more, all I can say is I know better now. If you want to save a codependent relationship, you really have to get used to doing the uncomfortable. My uncomfortable was telling her not yet when I finally had my manhood drop and I said it. It really is a part of maturity by speaking truthfully as long as tact, time, and tone will allow (another conversation for another day). My uncomfortable came from telling my kids no means no! I had to face the uncomfortable to begin including myself.
Have you ever heard “I’m okay as long as you’re okay”? People who want to save a codependent relationship will regularly assume the worst, and fight like heck to avoid it! They put all of their effort into caring for their person. You probably won’t save a codependent relationship doing that, I didn’t. Why is this?
As humans we are, I call it, hardwired to avoid pain. Doesn’t it make sense you’d want to avoid pain or discomfort? The human experience is also made to have some discomfort and pain, that is how we grow. That’s an accepted view of Christianity that many miss and get turned off from the church or God. There’s an assumption because we are saved life will be roses and ice cream everywhere. Maybe, but roses have thorns and too much ice cream can cause diabetes.
In fact God does a fabulous job of helping us grow. Sometimes that is through pain and struggle. If you can sin and think you won’t have any ramification, I really pray God blesses you. Because He surely will discipline you! Why not? If you didn’t do as your parents say, part of my uncomfortable spot because it’s newish to me, you get punished. Either losing something or being forced to do something, an extra chore for example.
You can save a codependent relationship but if you really want to save that codependent relationship you better get ready for uneasiness. The good news, not that we have salvation and eternal life through Christ, is that the uneasy feelings pass. It may be awkward for a while, but stick in there. Keep watering yourself you growing flower you!
It’s Your Call, You Decide
Another common issue with being codependent is that we freeze when we have to chose. In a similar way with the concept of can you save a codependent relationship when it comes down to owning your feelings, you may also disown your needs and wants as the relationship goes on. This I have seen is the easiest area that we can work on when it comes to if we can save a codependent relationship or not by our changes behavior. Let’s take a really quick look at it.
We’ve already realized we have to matter, that can be tough. We need to operate alone, that can be tough (and uncomfortable!) at first. But if you really don’t like something, saying no should be easiest. We are talking about can you save a codependent relationship so I really had to italicize the word should – because even if we despise something or really don’t want to do something we may anyway. This is one of the easier starting points toward fixing you and your codependent relationship.
Could you voicing your opinion and deciding lead to arguments? Sure can, and it may lead to brief resentment (make sure it’s brief and work on that by reading this article and the corresponding series on how to handle resentments in a relationship). But we are trying to figure out the answer toward can you save a codependent relationship, you’re going to get push back. Embrace it and work through it.
Your decision could be saying yes or no to an invitation. You may want to miss it, but being a codependent person you will probably agree just to make them happy. Don’t do that, if you don’t want to start with no.
A Great Overview of What Causes Codependency (Center)
This video breaks down shame and codependency. I agree with a lot of what was said, and we seem to be on the same page. I’m personally not one for interviews but did watch this and feel it may be helpful for you! So can you save a codependent relationship? YES But you have to put the work in if the relationship deserves your time and effort.
