Month: June 2022

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10 Ways You Can Use to Unlock the Ability to Let Go of Resentment Starting Now!

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Want to Let Go of Resentment? Start Here and Read to the End!

So we covered in depth how to get rid of resentment, how to handle resentment against someone, now we are going to discuss how to let go of resentment. It will be a bit of a read, I also included a table of content feature so we can have longer articles instead of just more articles!

If we want to let go of resentment, we have probably got to change some of our faults and habits, including our ways of seeing things and perception. The easiest path (because we have a path we set for you!) to changing a habit is with our Lasting Change product! There will take some work as we discussed previously that habits can be tricky to change.

Let Go of Resentment By Saying Adios to Yesterday

We have 11 different ways to let go of resentment. The first one is something that is discussed a lot in recovery circles. It is the fact that we cannot make a better yesterday. I can testify to the freedom of not living in yesterday anymore! It held me back and kept me stuck in a circle of the same behaviors because I was either trying to change, or mad (because I knew I couldn’t) change yesterday. When doing my steps through Celebrate Recovery Step Program, I was able to let go of resentment. It was painful, sure. But it takes work to get ahead.

Part of the freedom I found when I let go of resentment was I had moments of joy and beauty. I explained to my accountability team that I wanted to find joy. They explained that I was trying to do God’s job when I kept things a secret and would try to alter yesterday’s outcomes today. If I wanted to let go of resentment, I had to let go of yesterday. Not forget about it, but allow my journey to continue by moving on.

Let Go of Resentment by Accepting it is a State of Mind!

What’s an emotion? It’s a feeling. Anger is a feeling, however being angry or jealous are states of mind. Once you accept that your anger is controlling you, do the whatever resentment you want to let go of, you can slowly move toward recovering or being able to let go of resentment towards whatever it is bugging you.

resentment in a relationship

I’ll chime in and relate again. I was angry, can’t find much joy or peace when you are angry. I had no desire to let go of resentment against someone because I was comfortable – not happy – with my circle of chaos. Or so I thought, I was also drinking alcohol like a fish. I was literally stuck!

I found that cutting lose things that made me angry, like finally letting go of things out of my control, I became more and more joyful. I realized my poor state of mind was just that, and that was something I had control of. I wasn’t an angry person by nature, I chose to let myself stay angry!

Forgiveness is a Way to Let Go of Resentment Also!

I know people who hold grudges, even just the mention of someone’s name can send them up the wall! It literally changes their demeanor instantly. Imagine someone cracking up laughing and instantly looking at you with those “if looks could kill” eyes, that’s basically what their grudge gives them. It’s not hurting the other person though. Let go of resentment by practicing forgiveness.

If You Want to Let Go of Resentment You May Have to Look Inside Also..

Forgiving someone who you hold a resentment against does little for them. It frees you from the bondage of anger, maybe regret, and other nasty feelings, emotions, and states of mind we do not want to find our self in. But what about forgiving yourself?

This was actually one of my biggest struggles before I suffered a severe and long term relapse in 2018. It was also a major reason for the relapse. I was always mad and down on myself, but I never offered myself forgiveness for things I couldn’t change! I make mistakes occasionally still, but I resolve them as fast as possible. You should too.

Let Go of Resentment by Embracing Boundaries

These are tough, but not impossible especially if you use our Lasting Change method, to set in current relationships. However, by setting boundaries you increase the possibility of being able to let go of resentment because it has a lower chance to occur!

Setting boundaries are never fun, but they can be healthy protective nets for you. I have had to set some in life, in fact many. It hurts when someone runs into them and tries to get past them, because they have to go afterward. They no longer can have whatever place it was in my life because even if I choose to include them, they have a short leash. We will talk about boundaries on here before you know it.

Being a Life Coach in Massachusetts I have seen a ton of people needing boundary work! It’s almost like we have an epidemic of people with no boundaries. Without getting political, look at how kids learn the world revolves around them at an early age.

Let Go of Resentment by Looking at a Scar?

Yepper pepper pal! You can in fact let go of resentment by looking at your scars. They may be internal scars, but this is where you can use reflection! Reflection is an incredible tool that I will never encourage people to do enough! If you want to let go of resentment, reflection specifically on your scars can help. Maybe not so much how they got there, but realize how the source of those scars helped you to grow!

Let Go of Resentment With One of my Favorites!

A perspective shift could be just what you need to let go of resentment for good (eventually). Mindset, I’ve talked about at home mindset coaching techniques and such a few times and that is because I love the power of our minds! It can want us to stay in bed as we battle depression, or force us to get up because we are done losing and it’s our turn.

That leaves me with a question, can resentment cause depression? I am going to research the living daylights out of that soon. You know what’s funny, a few years ago I would have been mad at myself for not saying of course it can! I operate on researched facts though, that’s my motus operandi or whatever it is called. That also shows my shift in mindset.

Shifting your perspectives or mindset are not easy. It may feel like a battle you can’t win, but if you want to win the battle of letting go of resentment you have to put the work in. Take it day by day, if depression is keeping you in bed fight through that pain to get up because you did countless times before. You are a victorious individual and I am proud of what you’ve accomplished!

Let Go of Resentment By Singing a Song!

Can you really let go of resentment by singing a song? I can tell you there is a powerful song by Beyonce’s old group Destiny’s Child that can spearhead you in your journey to let go of resentment. She’s not along, there are many good songs including a bunch that are regulars in my morning worship list that can help you let go of resentment and they all focus on one thing, survivorship.

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If you want to let go of resentment, you CANNOT live like a victim. If you keep feeling like a victim I will tell you now you will not let go of resentment. You won’t, I’ve seen it time and again with many clients. You have beat so many challenges already! I let go of resentment by realizing I am a loved, blessed, and redeemed child of God and He has already won. So for me, I am not a victim, I surely was however now I survive because I fight from victory.

You Have to be Accountable if YOU Want to Let Go of Resentment

I’ll repeat the section title, you have to be accountable if you want to let go of resentment. Accountability is something I personally have as a boundary because for some reason the blame game bothers me. I have done it a ton myself, pushing blame away from me, but I was hiding my part in the mess. My part would not allow me to let go of resentment, because I kept holding onto it even as I passed blame wherever I could.

My alcoholism and recreational drug use was everyone’s fault but my own. Doesn’t make any sense to me either, however it’s true. Or it was. I had to be accountable to myself and others if I wanted to let go of resentment after resentment. My part wouldn’t go away because it needed an owner. It’s not easy, however it is doable.

Let Go of Resentment by Being Grateful

I’m not saying you should say “Lord, I am glad Tommy punched me in the eye and I knocked him out. We both got suspended instead of just him!” However I believe we have a lot of animosity these days because we are not using gratitude, which is a key way to let go of resentment! Sort of weird, after all how can gratitude help to let go of resentment? Let’s take a quick peak.

I was incarcerated, I was an alcoholic, and tons of other negative experiences. I don’t regret (or resent haha it fits here as well!) any of that. In fact, I am grateful for my experiences. I used gratitude to let go of resentment, and I hardly have them anymore. When I do, again, I address them as soon as possible. I focus on the positive in every situation.

Life recovery Bible celebrate Recovery resentment step 4

Prison was incredibly boring, however it gave me a love for studying the Word of God. In fact, I have it right next to my Chromebook, because I read it at least once a day. Being in God’s presence is my happy place.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to attend Celebrate Recovery and AMAZING program. Turns out alcoholism wasn’t even my biggest issue! In fact that is where I learned I had to let go of resentment and that concept has stuck with me. Although I pretty much have to (I trained myself for that) because that’s when my Monday’s end, at 5:00 when I get ready to head over for a meeting and open share.

I’m grateful for being able to coach 13 people yesterday! It was a long day, however I saw positive results because of my help in 13 people. I saw someone overcome a life long issue and really thrive in the new situation they put themselves in! Gratitude, all of those could be a resentment however gratitude helped me let go of resentment. Coaching was never a resentment I had to let go of, however I did burn out before. I took a break, I adapted, and I had people constantly tell me to come back!

Gratitude is not just good for being able to let go of resentment. It’s a great way to live. You begin to look and notice the positives in life, and there are many of them. There’s either a blessing or a lesson in everything we encounter, and being able to let go of resentment for good is surely a blessing. But it took work.

Do You Want to Let Go of Resentment For Good?

If you want to free yourself from the grips of shame and misery that accompanies resentment, and finally let go of resentment you really need to consider our course literally named Lasting Change. It’s beyond cost effective for what you get out of it. It’s incredibly powerful, and it’s broken down into easy to digest modules. As an added bonus, you can get access and start TODAY!

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We can also help you out! Grab a few sessions with me or one of our other seasoned coaches and let them help guide your steps as you walk the journey of finally being able to let go of resentment. Simply grab your slot here. Let’s let go of resentment together. Products & Services.

Here’s a FREE Gift!

Because you made it this far, I wanted to extend the offer of getting a free life assessment review. Simply leave a comment and we will shoot it over your way to the email you provide upon leaving a comment! Not bad, you get a $75 gift as well as learned 10 ways to let go of resentment!

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A Wrap Up! Handle Resentment In A Relationship The Last 9 Ways!

mindset training to help you change your attitude an original meme

Are resentment in a relationship the only kind of resentments out there? Nope. When you think about it, and it makes sense, a lot of the resentments we have looked at do focus on more intimate relationships, such as resentment in a relationship, resentment in marriage, and etc. You could have been hurt as I mentioned in a previous post by a church as I was when they parted ways with a recovery group I am in. I still feel it was a foolish move, however it is what it is and the group is still active and fine. I digress. We also discussed how to look inward and how to accept your feelings so what else have we got?

Handle Resentment in a Relationship By Accepting Life on Life’s Terms

Another popular topic in recovery circles such as Celebrate Recovery or Narcotics Anonymous is the idea we have to live life on life’s terms. Sometimes that way of taking care of a resentment in a relationship is tougher, like what if they don’t change?! Well in that case, and if you want to save a codependent relationship (which I have found most to be) it could take a combination of therapy and life coaching. We can help, however I feel this topic is cut back too much. Because for me, I couldn’t live life on life’s terms I had to have my hands in something fixing problems, because that’s what we do correct? No, that’s codependency at it’s finest.

So how do we live life on life’s terms? For me it was surrendering what I can’t control, accepting the fact that I am not God and sometimes I need help navigating a situation. I’m far better now than I was, but it takes work. I reflect daily on how to best resolve situations from many different vantage points, but a big part of it is living the Serenity Prayer to the best of my ability. This helps me a lot when I have to take care of a resentment in a relationship. Sometimes I can’t salvage them and that’s okay.

Sometimes I need to ensure I have higher boundaries, and that’s okay. Sometimes I need to realize I don’t know what I don’t know and that’s also okay… Talk it out with us if you’re stuck, because otherwise you’re just taking away from the rest of your life.

resentment in a relationship

Can Meditation Help Handle a Resentment in Your Relationships?

Maybe. Meditating is a REALLY good exercise to practice. I’d even recommend throwing some guided imagery in there as we talked about guided imagery for anxiety relief here.

What meditating could do to potentially help with a resentment in a relationship is reduce your “negative charge”. I won’t go in depth on the benefits of meditation, however it is helpful. I have found guided imagery in meditation can help reduce the animosity in a relationship from your end.

Use Some Empathy to Help With Your Resentment in A Relationship

Have you ever heard the saying put yourself into the other person’s shoes? Empathy is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse with me. I am an extremely empathetic person. I can look at a situation from 20 different ways (I’ve never counted, I’m just assuming and like the number 20).

But when I’m mad, it’s tough for me to be empathetic with someone. But I will tell you, when I look at the why instead of the what of how I am offended or feeling negatively, I find that sometimes “I get it”. It may not make me okay with whatever they did, however it does make it easier to gain an understanding with them or the situation.

Do NOT Get Even!

Another uncomfortable place to be is when you want to get even. At the time, it may seem like a good idea, maybe even justified in how to handle a resentment in a relationship. For instance, earlier this year I had a couple grab a few coaching sessions, they had been together for a while.

One partner cheated a few times and the other knew. Instead of addressing the cheating, they cheated back. Then the other returned favor again. What was left was a family (with children) who played a tit for tat game of unfaithfulness. I asked them which time in their cheating they felt better. They both had remorse and wanted to get past the cheating issue. But how?

It starts with not getting even. I would suggest if it is safe mentally and physically to handle the situation when it occurs. But when we are feeling pain or in a charged emotional state, good or bad, we do not typically think straight. First we would want to wait until we are calm. Next, address how you feel or what you believe happened and how it made you feel. Do not “go off” on them, in fact guard your tongue. When we argue and begin shouting and name calling there’s a huge chance we are not going to address the topic that needs to be addressed.

Handle Resentment in a Relationship BEFORE it Happens!

Sounds kind of crazy right? How could you have a resentment before you have any kind of relationship with someone? Because your expectations of what the relationship will or won’t consist of may be haywire.

When we enter into relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, we may have an idea of where it will go or bring with it. For instance, I had a LOT of resentments against me in the past. I am very easy to talk to and a people’s person.

Quite a few women had a romanticized idea in their head that I was into them in a way I assured them later I wasn’t, but I enjoyed their friendship. I love people and interacting with them. One girl actually began talking to another girl I was actually interested in to inform her we had something going on. That was a messy end to a friendship because she let a resentment in a relationship grow when there was no need.

So what could I have done? Maybe a few times let them know I enjoyed their friendship or acquaintance. I could have asked them what they wanted from our friendship and how I could be a better friend. I could have acknowledged what I expected in friendships, maybe a bit of time but nothing crazy like needing to hangout every day. On the contrary, they could have expressed their thoughts, ideas, and questions toward me. At the end of the day it is all water under the bridge now.

Look at Yourself Before the Other to Help Handle Resentment in a Relationship

Look within is a powerful concept for many areas of life, and you know by now after reading some posts that I firmly believe we should reflect more. This is another area to reflect on when you have a resentment in a relationship AND you are at a point where you are going to address it! Look at the picture below and we will talk about it briefly before moving on to the next way to handle resentment in a relationship

Obviously we do not walk around with planks in our eyes. However, we also need to see why we are upset, which is similar to what we discussed earlier about looking within. This focuses more on the “I” aspect of your relational issue. You have to own your own experience because you are the only one who has those feelings.

Instead of saying “I can’t forgive you and you screwed up our friendship” remove some of the “blame” and add yourself to the issue. Maybe “what you said was very hurtful and we need to resolve this.” Something along those lines, in switching the blame you are removing the fuse before it gets lit during the conversation! It is better to handle the resentment in a relationship than spreading the fire. In fact, every single relationship you are in will probably have a resentment of some type!

The People You Associate With Could Help The Resentment in a Relationship Ahead of Time

There’s a saying that you are the same as the company you keep. Forget that. You need good, quality, wholesome people in your circle. You need friends who can get together and have a great time of course, but it’s also important to have different circles of friends. Sure you’ll learn a bit from each but I am getting at something different.

I have a lot of the answers if I sit and reflect on things, but I love bouncing ideas I am torn on off of other people. It doesn’t hurt them because not only is the idea not physical when I bounce it (corny joke), but it also helps greatly when I have a resentment in a relationship!

In fact, I bet if we handled things differently the resentment in my marriage would have been dealt with potentially outside of divorce. I’m happy things ended up the way they did and wish my ex wife nothing but the best. But we both held our resentment against each other in! If we entrusted our issues with good and Godly people, the resentment in a relationship could have turned into a detour rather than a road closure.

Another good aspect to having good and positive people around leads into our next topic.

Allowing People to Make Mistakes Will Kill a Resentment in a Relationship Fast

I mentioned at the end that good positive and Godly people will help you with a resentment in a relationship. One thing I learned from people the last few years is forgiveness and acceptance. I struggled bad with alcoholism until 2020, and many people had reason to have resentment in a relationship as I was a truck load of trouble. I was damaged, hurt, confused, and filled with guilt as well as shame. So what happened? They accepted and knew I wasn’t trying to hurt or upset them, but I had no clue how to stop the spiral I had in my life.

Positive people will see the good in you. For a while I had almost zero friends. I ended a long career as a gang member and if I didn’t want to go back, how could I keep them around? I didn’t, but I didn’t feel as though I would fit in with other crowds. Let me tell you, having good and uplifting people around is a blessing.

My brothers and sisters in Celebrate Recovery was a God send. Nobody judged when I mentioned I relapsed, or came back over two years later regularly. They believed in me when I couldn’t and that is what having a good bunch of people around will do for you.

Nobody is perfect, and maybe the Bible passage above fits best here, but it fits in both sections. People, including myself, are not perfect. Having people in different friend circles will allow you to address a resentment in a relationship with another person who is completely neutral to the situation.

Speaking of it, I’m going to do a post on the power of people eventually. They will be there for you to bounce an idea off. They will listen with your best interest at heart and hopefully not tell you what your tickling ears want to hear but rather the truth.

We Now Know How to Handle Resentment in a Relationship, But It’s Not Goodbye…

We made it to the end of our segment on how to handle resentment in a relationship! Your friends, spouse, and anyone else you deal with will most likely be greatful when you practice anything in any of these posts because of a few reasons. We are being more compassionate, accepting, as well as realistic when we practice the 10 methods I mentioned.

Sometimes we may only be able to the Serenity Prayer I will be leaving below and loving our person, people, or group from a far. If you find you are stuck in resentment and just can’t seem to get out of it, contact us and we will surely help you out just click here and get the ball rolling! We have a passion for helping people, and from we are told it really shows! Don’t forget to check out our course on creating lasting change, especially with resentments here!

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Mindset Training – 1 Lesson To Remember From the Storm (Hint… It Doesn’t Have to Be Bad!)

When it comes to how we see things, we may not realize it at the time, our actions are creating habits. Habits are defines as “a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior”. That definition is from the Merriam-Webster dictionary. You may probably think mindset training isn’t for you, however did you know when it comes to perception we are hardwired to be negative?

Think about that for a moment, it should make sense to you. When we are given a situation we typically go right for what can go wrong with it, agreed? There’s reasons for that just like there’s a reason my dog walks in circles before she lays down. Throughout her families lineage and I’m guessing other breeds as well, they are trained to make sure they aren’t going to lay down on a snake that could kill them. We by nature are wired to avoid danger. Negative thinking, or assuming the worst case scenario is actually natural! But it sucks, and sometimes is extremely unreasonable.

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I go into depth on how to create Lasting Change on this course which you can get for less than a dinner out. Not bad for something that is life changing is it? Grab yours here. You’d be surprised at how many areas of life it covers (plus it let’s you get discounted coaching as well!).

Let’s Look at Mindset Training In Action

mindset training to help you change your attitude an original meme
mindset coaching techniques mindset couch

Read that meme I made then look at the picture at the bottom of this section. One big concept, sort of like a behind the scenes idea with mindset training is that we create habits. Being said it is easiest to see the impending rain and potentially beautiful storm coming. If you focus too much on those clouds that are on the way and getting ready to consume the moment you miss out on the beauty that remains. It could rain for 3 days and if you don’t focus on the hue of the blue portion while you can, you’ll forget it is behind the clouds.

In life we have beautiful periods, we have darker periods, and we have periods where we aren’t sure if it is going to rain at that moment or how fast it will pass. The blue in the sky gives us a reminder we can see beauty instead of darkness. That storm is going to cover the blue, however once it passes the grass will grow and withering flowers will have a stronger bloom. Actually, what do you think of lightning? You only get lightning in a storm and it can leave you in awe (or shock if you were playing baseball with an aluminum bat next to a tree). It will inevitably come down to the mindset training you’ve done and are working on.

Let Your Mindset Training Lead You to See the Dark Period as Bad…. Very Bad.


Taking that thought a step further, if it stopped raining for a prolonged period we would be left with drought conditions. What happens during a drought? Well, from what I have read in the Bible it can cause death. That’s our dark period, our drought, it’s “death” because we begin to live in fear instead of thriving and growing! One fast moment, if you are a Christian you really should read “Conquer Fear”! And if you’re not, maybe it can open your eyes the same way it did to an atheist friend of mine! I digress…

So what happens when it’s cloudy with a chance of rain? We that’s entirely up to you. You can look at the daunting storm en route, which may or may not happen. You could also say, I have no idea what is coming so I’ll get ready mentally for a few different things. Congratulations, you’ve just practiced mindset training. And honestly, that’s a wise idea. I am a huge proponent of being prepared, for the good and the bad!

Have you ever witnessed one of the coolest things ever? Where it rains and is bright and sunny at the same time? We can look at this as something that happens in life as well! Have you ever been around something that seems like it’s trying to ruin a good time, maybe a person – or your negative thinking? Even though there’s a small sprinkle, the sun is out! View the sprinkle as a refresher, or in life a reminder that although you’ve gotten a little wet you can dry off and enjoy the day.

We need to look at those dark or rainy periods again. Yes, it’s natural but it can get you down and keep you there.

How to Make the Storm Last Longer for Christians

One common false belief that is important to understand is that only good comes to Christians. That can’t be farther from the truth. Do you remember when you started going through sanctification? All good right? Wrong! In fact, for me at least, it was almost as if I had more opportunity to sin come at me! This idea can be incorporated with mindset training and I feel, if you are sound theologically and know the Word this is where mindset training could have started with! Pretty neat huh? Without getting into a ton of what I learned getting my master’s let’s look at the clouds from a Christian vantage point.

The easiest way to make a storm or bad season last for a Christian is to not turn to God, because we seem to think He needs a break occasionally. I still have periods where I keep a hand on the smaller things, and I still get overwhelmed. If I’m going through something that could be a bigger issue as I’m in recovery like many others. A way we can practice mindset training as Christians is by remaining focused on Christ!

We are taught in the Bible to depend on Him, seeking wisdom is urged, and it’s only time before we are in His glory. So, let’s take a fast peak at an example. We are in conversation and we have a prompt from the Holy Spirit. He wants us to ask a stranger we are speaking with how they feel about Christ. We start to clam up and say, there’s no way I can do this! And we blow something that was set up by God, trust me I have done it more than a handful of times. Let’s take a peak at another example.

I’ve been coaching a while and one issue I see is how long some of us hang on to “impending doom”. I’m not an Angel yet, and I had been through the court system a few times. My dad pointed it out to me one time that I was constantly “mind (bad word)” myself. I was causing myself angst and stress. I was holding on to that doom that came a few times, but nowhere as often as I had imagined. I would stay up for nights stressing about failing a urinalysis, or what would happen with my ex girlfriend if I went away. I missed out on a lot of good times, wholesome family good times, because mentally I was drowning in my own rain storm.

Recently I have been through really bad situations. I saw my upward focus and mindset training in action. I attended a living wake for one of my favorite aunts. If it wasn’t for God helping me the months before with mindset training I would have cracked, back in the day I relapsed over way less. She was alive, barely. She was weak and tired and there were more than a few times I had to get up and walk away because I was with my youngest son and was very choked up. I stayed. My mindset training was more of a crash course at that time as living wakes are not common. I was able to compose myself and discuss amazing memories we had as a family in that room. I watched the sunset partly from her vantage point. When my son asked, I was able to tell him it was tough and I was having a hard time but it’s okay. God and mindset training were crucial for that experience. I had a beautiful last encounter with her, and though it still pains me a bit she is gone I will share in God’s glory with her eventually.

How Do We tie All of This Together?

Mindset training will make us or break us. We create a natural habit of seeing the worst, but it’s just as easy to look for the bright spots. So how can you incorporate mindset training in life? You may have to start being as positive as possible and really try especially if you suffer from depression or anxiety. You may have to write down as soon as your able to what joy or blessing you found in a given situation. One thing I have seen work is focusing on the good in the situation when you are explaining it to someone else.

Regardless it is called mindset training for a reason, as I mentioned we are hardwired to see the negative or detrimental aspects of a situation. We need to train to see the good. I’ve been there, I know all about it!

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Another Way to Get Rid of Resentment Against Someone Starting Now! Part 2

Another Way to Get Rid of Resentment Against Someone… From the Inside?

We said in the first post about how to handle resentment against someone that there would be more, we speak the truth because, well, here’s the next one! It will be a slightly shorter post, but equally as important! In the last post we discussed acceptance and we won’t be going over that again. This post is all about what’s hidden behind your resentment. Another way of saying this, is why is your resentment towards someone there. There’s a few ways to figure this out that do not involve sitting on a shrinks couch (and there is NOTHING wrong with that, in fact we encourage people who need it to go!)

Sometimes, like if someone hurt you or you just found out they lied to you, it’s easy to know why you have a resentment; and thus you may have an idea of how to get rid of resentment against someone/that person. Other times, it may not be all that easy.

Someone could have wrong you ages ago and it keeps festering up, sort of like in our last post. Here’s something we don’t want to think about, but if you want to work on how to get rid of resentment against someone you need to. It may be something they have. Remember, causes of resentment can be envy, anger, and etc.

I am a huge fan of reflecting, and honestly if your not sure where your resentment is coming from, you may want to do this. You are trying to figure out how to handle resentment against someone after all. This is a big part of 12 Step programs such as Celebrate Recovery. The rest of this article is going to help you on that reflecting.

First, try and think about when these feelings began. Can you pin point a day or time you started feeling ill will or against that person? Was it an instant feeling, like one day you were just mad at them?

Was there a specific time or event that caused this or these feelings of resentment? I ask it this way because there could have been a few or several times or events that “helped” you getting to where you are now.

get rid of resentment relationships resentment in marriage

Now we are figuring out how to get rid of resentment against someone, but what if it was a place? There are countless individuals we have helped (we can probably count them) who didn’t have a resentment against a person, but rather a place. Sometimes it’s a group. I had a resentment against a church with how the board handled a situation!

If your resentment is with your kid or maybe partner because they don’t help around the house or with bills, your resentment may be not with them but somewhere else. For example, you could be feeling overwhelmed and it comes out as resentment. Make sense?

In the end, there is no set “way” of knowing how to get rid of resentment against someone. It is possible, and we will continue our series on resentment shortly! Again, in closing, I can not stress the benefit of reflecting and being honest with yourself. If you’re denying the idea, or saying “it can’t be that toward them” you will be less likely to get rid of resentment toward that person or place!

I may sound like a broken record, but sometimes resentment issues can be tough to figure out or realize on your own. We are here for you! We also have our course on creating Lasting Change which has been proven to increases your chances of not only changing a habit or lifestyle, but keeping that change!!

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Mindset Coaching Relationship Coaching

11 Ways on How to Handle Resentment Against Someone Starting Now!

Resentments are no fun at all. In our last post we looked at what could be triggers for resentment. Without having too long of a post, I decided we could just do a Part 2 if you would. This post is all about how to handle resentment against someone, probably the first of many. You could also say it’s how to handle resentment, but we need a target. Not for practice, but how to overcome that resentment because at the end of the day, all it is going to do is wear you down. Who needs more stress in their day? I’d say nobody, let’s look at the ways on how to handle resent against someone.

How to handle resentment against someone? Start With Acceptance!

how to handle resentment against someone

Nobody wants to accept the fact they harbor ill feelings against someone, however this is the number one place if you want to work on how to handle resentment against someone. You’re going to have to practice acceptance of how you feel. Your emotions are valid. This isn’t good for just handling a resentment, but negative emotions toward another person in general.

What happens when we allow ourselves to accept and feel our emotions? It’s the beginning of a freedom feeling. Trust me, I’ve been there and you have to “feel it to believe it!” One common mistake people make when trying to accept their feelings is they bottle them up. This isn’t just counter productive, it can be dangerous for your mental health! Have you ever seen an individual simply “lose it” for no reason, or maybe because their was a spec of food left over on a plate? Not allowing yourself to feel your feelings is not a good place to be in. It’s added stress which is not good and works against how to handle resentment against someone!

Think of a backpack that is stuffed beyond what it is capable of holding, or a volcano with an incredible amount of gasses and whatever else they have inside them. What is going to happen if more gasses build up or we try and stretch the backpack a bit more? There’s a tremendously higher chance it will blow up, right?

emotional freedom how to handle resentment against someone

Sticking with acceptance regarding how to handle resentment against someone, you may want to take a review on our article on self talk. The reason I suggest that is because you are going to need to remember to be kind to yourself. This is especially true if you’ve been “packing the backpack” for a while. You’re going to have all sort of emotions and thoughts come up! Imagine clearing out the drain for the kitchen sink in a house that’s poured a gallon of grease down it a day. It will probably take a while to get it all out and some of it may come up out of the blue. That’s okay! When working on how to handle a resentment against someone, your drain may occasionally keep burping stuff up. Don’t push it back down, get rid of it. You need to be your own best friend here.

Don’t rush to judgement against yourself either! This goes back to mindset coaching techniques where we practice nice, pleasant, uplifting self talk. This is especially true if you are hard on yourself by nature! You may want to say “I worked on how to handle resentment against someone and look, a week later I am still dealing with it!” It’s not fair to judge yourself including how you feel. Again, your feelings are valid.

In “Conquer Fear” I wrote about the Serenity Prayer. If Christianity isn’t your thing, I apologize. For me, it works tremendously and is a part of almost everything I do. This next part of this article will speak specifically on that, a Christian viewpoint. Why is knowing how to handle resentment against someone important for a Christian? Because it’s sin… and we are called to not sin, right? Look at this verse and think about it:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24

One of the most profound things I learned while working toward my Master’s degree was that God is the Great Counselor. He’s more than a few pay grades above me, and I am not ashamed to say that I have had countless sessions with Him. When I am surrendering my recovery and sobriety to Him daily, if there’s something there He gives a reminder. It’s almost like He is saying “Hey Jay, thanks for trying to glorify me! BUT, you sort of need to go over these feelings against someone first.” God knows a thing or two about how to handle resentment against someone.

We are humans who follow Christ. We are going to run into roadblocks and could stumble. But working on your relationship with Him and expressing your feelings to Him is freeing. Very freeing. It’s also freeing to discuss them with a close friend. Maybe we can’t, nor should we, immediately go directly to the source of our hurt. Processing our feelings is where we need to start. There’s wisdom in counsel, that’s discussed in the Word also!

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Relationship Coaching

Ingredients to a Toxic Relationship: Resentment in a Relationship And The 1 Surefire Way To Fix It.

toxic relationship resentment in a relationship red flag relationship

This edition of the Guided Steps Blog is all about another ingredient that makes a great toxic relationship, that is resentment in a relationship. The last post we discussed codependent relationships including signs you are in one and the feedback was superb to say the least (we do read our email!) so why not touch base on an underlying factor of a toxic relationship? Let’s talk about resentment which is something discussed far too little outside of the world of addiction recovery, yet it rears its ugly head in more places than you would think.

Want to Start With What Resentment Is (it’s way more than a toxic relationship)?

Resentment is a description toward negative feelings and emotions due to being mistreated. Sometimes the mistreating may not be bad to other people. This is part of the beauty, and craziness, of perception.

There is no “official” cause for resentment because we are people created Imago Dei and not a bunch of robots like the news would have us think (yep, I have a small resentment with the media but it doesn’t control me…. you’ll read about that soon!). In fact there are typically a few different ways resentment can make itself known, and although the root cause can differ it does relate to being wronged or mistreated. That’s not to say unfairness isn’t a part of life because it is. We are going to get disappointed, however that doesn’t necessarily cause a resentful attitude or mindset. It can however lead to a very toxic relationship. In fact, resentment in a relationship was one of the reasons my last one didn’t pan out.

Here’s How We Boil The Toxic Relationship Brew

I suppose a better way would have been to say “here’s what triggers resentment”. But that’s not nearly as visually appear it as you read it, right? The first way resentment can brew (I suppose it does work after all!) is in relationships with people who have to be right all the time. It’s important to note, they may not be right all the time. Have you ever talked to a kid who knew something and was completely wrong? How did it go when you tried to correct them? They probably fought back right?

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who thought they were always right. You have the makings of a toxic relationship if they let it get to them! It may come out, it may not. That sounds sort of vague but it is entirely up to the individual who harbors the resentment. I’ve found that it normally comes out in what could be a catastrophic blowup.

What about when you speak and people seem to not listen? Not being heard is a common trigger for resentment. I have heard about that in the halls for a while now. In fact, I had a resentment due in part to that.

Being taken advantage of in a friendship or romantic relationship can cause a toxic relationship to start forming. Imagine being nice and helping whenever you were called on. You may have did it because of a codependent tendency or you may have done it out of love because you could. Now imagine how easily resentment in a relationship can build up if when you called the same person or people they didn’t pull through for whatever reason. You’d probably be upset with them, right?

red flag in a toxic relationship because of resentment in the relationship

What’s another way resentment can be triggered in a relationship? Ah yes, unrealistic expectations of others. When we were growing up we had vivid imaginations, we would hear something without seeing it and draw a picture in our head of what it should look like. This can help cause a toxic relationship. Why? Well from experience, people aren’t who we think they are.

People can be stellar at something, but we expect more. I expected honesty in my relationships because I was honest. Unfortunately, I was wrong (shocking I know!) But I had set up unfair and unrealistic expectations for them. How they should act around and not around me, honesty, etc. I helped to create resentment in the relationship because I was brewing a toxic relationship without knowing it! The end result was not good, we no longer even have a friendship and they were really a great person. I’m sure you’ve set unrealistic expectations in a relationship and have been aggravated when they didn’t come to fruition, right?

I’m leaving out what is most common until the end. What do you think it is? You’ll read shortly, but first lets give another cause for a toxic relationship. Tardiness, or always being late can help people you interact with harbor resentments. You may not realize it, but people often feel like their time is not meaningful to you if you always keep them waiting. It doesn’t necessarily just deal with going out, it can be as simple as being with other friends too long or chatting with a coworker too long and forcing someone to wait. I don’t wear a watch, but one way for me to let someone know I’m getting aggravated is by looking at my wrist where a watch should be. I’m a very punctual person as a sign of respect.

The last common trigger for a resentment in what could be a toxic relationship is humor. Being put down to be exact. What makes it even worse is when you are the brunt of the joke! Yeah, that will make someone harbor a resentment! Have you ever saw those married couples where they joke about their spouse? Or the group of friends that always have that one friend they pick on? It could be all well and fun, but the person being picked on may not think so.

So You Caused A Toxic Relationship Over “Encouraging”
Resentments How Can You Fix It?

The easiest thing to put down here is to say you’re sorry. However resentments are “cured” that easily. You could try and make it up to someone if it was a one time thing. You could publicly admit your wrong and embarrass yourself. Words are empty and one time actions don’t equate to someone dropping a resentment.

So how do you remedy a toxic relationship that’s harboring resentments? With changed behavior! It’s literally that simple, both from knowledge and experience. An easy way to do this is with our course on creating Lasting Change which is getting rave reviews so far! Give it a shot and put in the work, you can start today! Grab your copy of Lasting Change here.

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Mindset Coaching Uncategorized

Am I In A Codependent Relationship? 10 Ways to Know AND Ways to (Potentially) Save It!

What Is A Codependent Relationship?

In layman’s terms, a codependent relationship is a crappy relationship that will leave you feeling nervous, empty, and not happy. Another way to describe this type of red flag relationship is that it typically contains a giver and a taker. They can start very subtly and grow into a beast that can be tough to see, but there are ways out! So how do we figure out if we are in one? We have a list below with 10 “symptoms”. And also a quiz that can be taken here.

In a Codependent Relationship You Don’t Matter!

To everyone else you may, but to you they come before first. Way before you. In fact if you are the giver, you probably can’t afford to offer yourself self care (say that 10 times fast). It is extremely common to feel good when the taker is happy, it is also common for you to feel extremely guilty when you find yourself enjoying yourself. What is really scary about this symptom of a codependent relationship is that eventually you begin trying to pour from an empty cup.

It’s An Extremely One Sided Relationship. A One Sided Codependent Relationship

I sort of hinted in the opening paragraph about this one. It’s possible to have two codependent people in a relationship, however a giver and taker are more common. This symptoms has one person being a harder worker, picking up the slack for someone without necessarily realizing it. For example, the giver works all day and comes home and does whatever they asked the taker to do. There may be resentment, but typically nothing is said.

one way relationship

“I have to Save Them… From Themselves!”

This is where the giver acts more like a caregiver than a friend or significant other. What are you saving them from? It could be their addiction, it could be their anger also, do they “not do things” right in your eyes and you have to help them? You can feel like you want their “issues” to be solved more than anyone, including themselves! At the end of the day it is entirely up to them to create a lasting change. That includes all of their flaws, addictions, and whatever else is wrong for them. If you’re the sole care taker for them and they keep making the same mistakes you my friend are in a codependent relationship.

You’re The Potter, They’re The Clay

codependent relationship signs of codependent relationship codependent relationship quiz

This sign of a codependent relationship is extremely unhealthy. If you were someone else looking at it, you would probably even say “they don’t even really love them because they are trying to change them!” This is where the idea of the potter and the clay come in. You have them in this heap and you are constantly trying to adjust and decorate them so they become more of your dream person.

Take It Easy? Get Out of Here With That Evil Talk!

Similar, all of these traits are if you think about it, to another symptom of a codependent relationship this focuses on your selfishness. Do you feel off when you’re taking care of them? Asked in another way, when you’re by yourself with your feet in grass at a park or in a stream do you feel selfish for not doing something for them? Doing what? Well you should be doing something for them instead of taking care of yourself, right?

“Feeling excessive guilt for doing anything for yourself is another major characteristic,”

Dr. Derrig

How Do You Feel About Your Relationship? Well That’s a Tricky Question…

Do you find it tough to realize what is tough and what is glorious in your relationship? Is it a relationship where you have mixed feelings or emotions about, well all of it? Reflection is a beautiful and powerful tool we can use in life, and we thoroughly encourage it when we are engaged in mindset coaching. When you’re in a codependent relationship you find yourself more worried about their feelings than yours. The next one is a huge sign. Look at it after this picture break.

the most codependent creature alive
She is probably the most codependent “person” I know. She’s a sweetheart though.

Where Are They? I’m About to Freak Out!

One of the most common signs of a codependent relationship is feeling sick, worried, nervous, or that the world is going to fall apart if you haven’t heard from them. Have they read your message is a thought you wonder constantly, are they okay?! They must be doing something wrong or they could be in trouble. Quickly to the Stress Mobile to go and rescue them! Is that how it goes in your head? This is a symptom that you are in a codependent relationship. “Why am I like this?!” Well, it’s become you have probably become dependent on them, hence the term codependent relationship.

There’s Nobody Here!

Another sign you have entered or helped to create a codependent relationship is that you have trouble being alone. This can be either from the taker of the relationship or the fact you literally can’t care (read it as self care) for yourself. This is extremely common and a potential root cause has been from over-involved or under-involved parents when you were a little drool tot yourself. When you’re alone, you can’t put your focus into someone else and that bothers you.

I Can’t Make It Fred Has 5 Minutes Off in 5 Hours so I have to Be Available

If you are routinely cancelling plans because you need to spend time with your partner or whoever is the taker you are in a what? A codependent relationship, great guess! You may cancel plans with your family or other things, even attending a concert you were really looking forward to! Again, this is another red flag relationship symptom.

Your Home Isn’t Your Home

Did you ever redecorate something to make it more like home, for someone else? There is nothing wrong at all with making someone feel comfortable in your house, the difficulty comes when you make it all theirs. Here’s a tip if you get really down the second they leave, reorganize a small itty bitty section so that it feels more like “yours” when they aren’t there.

“I Hate to Bug You But… Nevermind, I’m Sorry”

Hate speaking up and voicing your opinion to them? You don’t feel like you are intimidated by them, but you need them happy and speaking up, well you may hear something you do not want to. Did I nail this one in your relationship? If so, let’s talk. This one hits home and even until somewhat recently maybe a year ago I was personally stuck here. I’m not anymore and that makes me feel tremendously free. In this symptom/sign of a codependent relationship you’re literally pushing your feelings aside and not giving them a chance to be validated. Guess what…. YOU have valid feelings!

The Big One…. B-B-B-Boundaries.. YIKES!

You finally get the guts and smallest sense of self worth to speak up and place boundaries, but they spiral out of control! The taker loses their crap, right? Setting up boundaries is going to be different and potentially scary for anyone involved. It’s different, right? It’s uncomfortable and they may feel like you are almost taking away from them! Welcome to the pain of a codependent relationship.

How Can We (Maybe) Save a Codependent Relationship?

codependent relationship quiz codependent relationship examples

I am really strict (read also being adamant) about my boundaries being respected, but in the beginning it was tough. When I took a step back and saw the pains and hell of a codependent relationship, I became aware that the negatives outweighed the positives. Most of the list I can easily relate to. I took some time for myself and I started to flourish. We had a very good patch after, but my biggest change was realizing I didn’t need her. I wanted her. I needed God first and foremost! I mean, He did save me from severe alcoholism.. Anywho there’s my mini testimonial. If the relationship was to be saved, how would we do it? Let’s look at the condensed list below, or you can jump into the Lasting Change Course we created! People are loving it and there’s amazing discounts that go along with it! Grab it right here, you won’t regret it!

Can it be Saved? Here’s The List!

  • Get UNBIASED (incredibly important) OUTSIDE perspective and CONSIDER that insight
  • Work on it together, do all parties want a healthy relationship? Get to working on it!
  • How is your value system doing these days? MAKE time to reflect – this is healthy and something we NEED to do in life! No guilt about it either.
  • Look at your earliest relationships, has this been a common trend?
  • Agree on the healthy boundaries! (Coach Jay is a beast at this when used as a “referee”), set them, and work on them! Do not expect perfection overnight
  • Be dedicated to the process of healing your codependent relationship.
  • Allow the giver to take. If the taker is reading this, be comfortable giving a little.
  • We all have feelings, EXPRESS THEM and when you get them toward you, ask for explanation when you are not sure!
  • Realize you are in a codependent relationship and you want it fixed!

Should I Leave?

If it is obscenely abusive emotionally or mentally, yes. If it’s physical GET OUT OF THERE! Those are literally the signs.

I Am In A Codependent Relationship, What do I do Now?!

There are a few things you can do. Get cracking on the “Can I Save it List”. Grab a consultation with us, explain the situation and we will help you work out a plan to get it done. If it’s safe (important consideration) for your physical safety, sign up for our Relationship Coaching and we will get through this together! Realize this is a process and there has to be change and take advantage of our course at it’s low price that you can use again and again and again! Grab the Guided Steps Lasting Change Course Here.

Realize This…

You matter, you have feelings, you have opinions, you have ideas. You have this ONE life and it is not too late to start turning it around NOW. The power is in your hands to change. Start believing in yourself because I sure believe in you. It’s time to stop the codependent relationship and enjoy a fruit bearing, mutually beneficial, and exciting relationship!