Boundaries and intimate relationships go together like a building and it’s cornerstone (no log cabins here, let’s make my analogy work). Here we are with our newest segment in the Boundaries Book! You’ll read in this article how poor boundaries lead to a life that misses out on growth, fullness, and happiness. One way we learn in life is through having a constant to learn from. I will also be putting a short, hopefully entertaining, read together at the end.
Poor boundaries are almost like being rushed through basic math. When we are in kindergarten, we learn one plus one (maybe first grade) equals two and we learn how letters work together. Imagine if we didn’t have time to grasp that and understand how basic words and math work, we would constantly struggle through life! It’s my intention in this article to show you how poor boundaries are like a poor education.
Poor Boundaries in Intimate Relationships
One important factor in premarital counseling is boundaries I have read, I never took premarital counseling and if I had maybe I would have remained single instead. Boundaries and “roles” are important in relationships, they help the family operate. The roles will change periodically as situations change. When the situation changes, but the roles don’t, is where poor boundaries can really become an issue.
Although I have been a coach for what seems like ages, I have noticed some things around intimate relationships and poor boundaries. Poor boundaries in family typically lead to poor boundaries in relationships outside of the family. What’s weird now, maybe in the last 10 years is the amount of acceptance in having relationships that I call “hybrid relationships”. This is the relationship that has been born in the hookup culture we live in now. Did you know that I believe these relationships are worsening not only our culture, but our mental health?
I’m not sure where our need for these hookup relationships are coming from, although I do have my own theories. It could be (literally) hookup apps like Tinder or Ashley Madison. They could also come from what we are listening too, our obsession with instant gratification, or the devil. Even birds will pick a mate to make a nest with, it’s natural and, without having poor boundaries, healthy to have one partner.
How Can we See Poor Boundaries in Relationships?
I’ll tell you off the bat that it will be tougher for you to see poor boundaries in your intimate relationships without either reflection, therapy, or coaching. Honestly, that may not be a bad order to follow (although not mandatory) if you are finding yourself unhappy or feeling no enrichment from your relationships. Although we’ve discussed codependency and if you can fix a codependent relationship previously we are adding a twist to it. You are going to see how poor boundaries influence or are influenced by a codependent relationship(s).
Poor boundaries and neediness.
If you think you see traits of codependency in this explanation you are right. The psychological word that describes neediness is codependency. Having poor boundaries is shown as neediness because we crave affection, interaction, and happiness from others. Although this is extremely rational and Maslow points out it’s psychologically healthy to want approval and affection poor boundaries will have us go about it in a detrimental way.
With poor boundaries we can typically sacrifice our own needs and wants to get the “love”, which is what was mentioned above encompassed into a single word, we crave. We will also put our identity in that person or those people and blame them for our emotions and actions! I’m still researching it, because I’m a dork as mentioned above, but it seems as if this allows us to enter a state where we are living in a victim mentality and that person’s job is to save us. When they fail at that, the poor boundaries we are living with help bring out the codependent tendencies such as bitterness and resentment.
As we have seen previously, the giver and taker are almost magically drawn together due to their personalities. Neediness is also shown in the need to save someone, and I can relate to this as I was there myself. What ends up happening is we feel bad because of their emotions or actions because we take the blame for them!
Expectations and poor boundaries
This is another sign that you have poor boundaries, and also teeters on the idea of neediness (seems like all of these symptoms work together, doesn’t it? Hmm….). Have you ever received something from someone and although you liked it the value of it was instantly gone when you find out why you received it? Poor boundaries show with unrealistic expectations and ulterior motives. When something is given or done for people with the expectation of something or assumption you will get something in return the value is lost.
I was speaking with my great friend and sponsor about this. He mentioned we would typically do something but it always had a price tag. We wanted either a thank you or praise for what we had just done. This isn’t healthy and in relationships with poor boundaries it shows when someone is saving someone. It typically isn’t because they care about the person or the issue, but that they want the receiver to feel better about the giver. I will explain this in the video below (way below, keep reading about poor boundaries eould ya?).
Have you ever seen someone who seems to be around drama no matter the place or situation, there’s just drama following them? The most likely culprits for this, yeah it’s them – or you – are that person involving themselves in everyone else’s business or they are actually creating the problem themselves. Sounds crazy right, why would anyone even dream of creating a problem when there are no issues?! That’s what this section is all about.
The individual could be creating problems when there are none so that they can look like the hero. Where I mentioned that we help with a price tag, this is what I am talking about. The problem is there so they can fix it and get all the love and positive emotions they are craving. In more advanced situations, this becomes a sign of serious disorders one that comes to mind was the psycho nurse who would have to come and save people or babies because they were dying – because of her. If you can’t tell, not fixing poor boundaries can lead to serious consequences way worse than those mentioned above or in other articles!
Back to creating the problem or always being involved in the drama, something that may not be noticed by the perpetrator doing it is they become “ugly”. Instead of being seen as a hero in a nice tapered cape, they are seen negatively as unattractive, unwelcoming, or that person nobody wants to be around. Then more people need to have problems around them because as mentioned in the paragraph above this personality issues can easily become exacerbated if not addressed. That actually leads into the last section, the viscous cycle of poor boundaries.
Poor boundaries can create a viscous cycle – can you relate?
For a quick second picture a garden with a few weeds in it; what happens if you don’t tend to those weeds? Eventually you have a forest (literally because maple trees spring up EVERYWHERE out here) full of weeds you have to go through or else you don’t enjoy the beauty of your garden, right? The viscous cycle of poor boundaries is so similar it’s insane, that and I can be pretty handy with analogies.
As with most relationships with poor boundaries and as seen typically with codependency (which is a cause of and also could stem from poor boundaries – seeing how it all acts as a cycle yet?) we have a giver and a taker. Or we have a victim (receiver/taker) and a saver (giver) and oddly enough, because it makes no rational sense but is literally the cycle (eerily similar to the progressiveness of addiction), they both get a weird high from this dysfunctional relationship. Just like the addict or the alcoholic (there is really no difference having lived that life aside from the substance) poor boundaries are typically part of a horrible roller coaster type of relationship!
With this cycle of poor boundaries, when it comes time to date someone who is emotionally healthy, they may seem really weird. The person who has the poor boundaries can often feel like there’s really no chemistry or excitement in the potential new relationship and it ends. This is because that poor boundaries cycle 1) hasn’t been addressed in the person with the poor boundaries and 2) does not fuel the cycle, it starts breaking it! So the potentially healthy relationship gets martyred for one where the victim and saver role can be filled for that emotionally turbulent “fix”.
For a quick dose of geekness, let’s dive really quickly into attachment theory. The victim or receiver is typically the anxious-attachment types while the giver or saver is the avoidant-attachment type. And if you’re wondering, by the nature of attachment types they both repel secure attachment type of individuals. Poor boundaries seem like a drag so far, don’t they?
So how does this create a poor boundaries induced viscious cycle?
I’m glad you asked (not in a poor boundaries way where I created a problem…. oh forget it, it was slightly entertaining at least for me)! The cycle is fed here starting with bad habits or poor boundaries, sometimes one and sometimes both (man, people are weird by nature huh?). The victim has never had to, never tried, or for some even deeper underlying reason is unable to hold themselves accountable for their own feelings. Why don’t they change? That’s a story for another day (literally) but it is the danger of the comfort zone – they get used to having a weird comfort living this way.
The saver on the other hand has an issue with not solving other people’s problems! They can’t fathom a life where they are not needed to throw on their self perceived super hero cape and save the day, I mean that is how they perceive they feel love! Having these poor boundaries makes it very difficult for them to find joy and be satisfied without being the super hero. As mentioned above, change is scary for the saver as well!
Is There Hope for People With Poor Boundaries?
Oh there sure as greedy politicians raising taxes hope for people with poor boundaries! As I mentioned above it can be shown and seen as a viscous cycle and I related it to addiction. That is similar to how people who suffer from poor boundaries or intimate relationships with poor boundaries have to fix it. They need a new, fresh, healthier identity of themselves instead of being a giver/taker or victim/saver.
- In addiction, we had to first realize stuff was out of control either by our own (which is often difficult hence the need for interventions)
- a desire for things to improve
- and begin implementing the changes to not be so codependent anymore!
It really is that easy to fix poor boundaries in a relationship, but having done it myself it really is that tough too. It is possible though and aside from our awesome course we ar
It is only when both start the process of building self-esteem that they can begin to eliminate needy behavior and make themselves more attractive.
Let’s look at a quick example told via short story about hookup relationships and poor boundaries.
Rachel (because I was reading Genesis this morning, no disrespect to any Rachel’s!) and Greg are both partiers, meaning they like to go out and party. They love going out and having fun. Little did they know they are soul mates!
Neither stay in relationships because they are too busy being self absorbed in the fun moment. Rachel has a desire for love and that old time “The Waltons” type of love. She keeps looking for love and has an average relationship of about 3 months. Even though she gives everything away, her body, her time, her emotions, whatever the guy wants she gives it she’s always sad and miserable always feeling used and abused.
Greg has no clue what he wants. He takes whatever he can get. One woman is never really enough for him. If his girl can’t go on a date with him, he brings a new one out. By the time he is 29 after living like this Greg has more kids than Abraham’s descendants (again, I read Genesis today). He meets Rachel and she’s alright with him having a trillion children even though he pays an entire paycheck for child support.
She’s not okay with him going out with random girls though, but he’s stuck around more than 3 months so she doesn’t say anything. She gives up whatever he wants, but Greg is used to just taking what he wants so there’s never a sense of gratitude.
Eventually Rachel starts getting resentments toward Greg. Why isn’t she enough? She cooks, cleans, satisfies him, the whole 9 yards.
A few years after all of this Greg meets a girl at a library because he decided to teach nerds how to have more fun (nerds rock, don’t take offense, keep being you – I am a proud cool dork myself). Greg meets a knock out that makes his heart flutter and they start hooking up. Greg gets everything he has done to Rachel and other women from this girl! Greg learned the hard way that living a free roaming life will get you nothing.
What about Rachel? Well Rachel decided to go to church after she had been wondering why her life was a wreck, she went last where she should have went first basically, and heard a sermon on how God sees us. Rachel began seeing herself this way and boom, she got married and lived happily ever after and ministers women on the importance of boundaries.
Greg never got satisfaction from his relationships. He refused to reflect and look at his mindset as well as actions. Rachel made the changes and lived a satisfying life without hooking up constantly. Although she lived in relationship after relationship with poor boundaries she put the work in and set healthy boundaries.
What do Greg and Rachel teach us about poor boundaries?
I should add they are both typical codependents. I can also add that I can relate in the most absurd ways, and like Rachel I do not live that way anymore. Without expressing your expectations, wants and needs you set yourself up to be stepped on regularly. Poor boundaries are going to get you stuck there. If you’re curious, Greg joined a traveling circus and cleaned elephant poop (I have no idea, you are allowed to make you own ending on this one).
Regardless, they paint a picture of what poor boundaries in intimate relationships look like. Eventually we will have enough and want change, but it is up to us to make change. Ask yourself this question, “do I want this to be the rest of my life?” If not, put our proven course to work! Click here so you can start living the life you want.
