What You'll Find Here
What Are Personal Boundaries?
Welcome to the next chapter of the Boundaries Book! In our last segment we looked at 13 different examples to see if we have boundary issues. If you do, keep paying attention as this is the chapter we are going to take a good look at personal boundaries. We will cover all sort of great topics, such as a personal boundaries definition, the negative impact of personal boundaries, and my favorite – examples of good and poor personal boundaries! The third chapter already eh? Let’s keep trucking along!
This section will be a tad shorter than the rest of the Boundary Book articles. Although we can say personal boundaries are simply what you will or will not stand for, or allow, is the answer really that easy? Sure, it absolutely could be, however I think it goes further as that idea is really just the tip of the iceberg. Have you ever heard of anyone refer to our being and living or existence as “The Game of Life?” I have and it really fits here. I love how the University of Berkeley explained personal boundaries.
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.
Some smart person at the University of Berkeley
I hate not being able to cite properly and give credit where it’s due. That’s actually a personal boundary I set for myself, not taking what is not mine. I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit put that heavy on my heart, it is one of the 10 Commandments overall and in my past life I had no issue grabbing whatever I wanted! Not the best way to live at all. I digress.
The saying by the University of Berkeley in regard to personal boundaries brings to life, no pun intended, the Game of Life saying I mentioned before. A game has rules and limits. Another way we can describe limits is by using the word boundaries. Is it clicking yet? Now when we play a game, it’s not always full of fanfare and woohoo hoorahs right? Sometimes we really stink at it so we have to practice and get better at it. Personal boundaries are no different!
The 3 Different Types of Personal Boundaries
As I mentioned above these relate to a game, and as we have discussed in depth the importance of self talk we should view this as a game. By getting better at different levels, we will get a higher score. The fun here is enjoying the fact you are able to enjoy life more, with less resistance.So what are the 3 different personal boundaries? They are rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries.
The 3 Personal Boundary Types
As mentioned there are three types, you can think of them like Goldie Locks and the three bears. With that childhood story, there were three different personalities. Personal boundaries work the same way however instead of too hot, too cold, and just right we have rigid, porous, and healthy personal boundaries.
Rigid personal boundaries can appear to be very stand-off-like. This type of boundary has very few close and intimate relationships. The individual is also extremely unlikely to ask for help, even when they and everyone else knows they could use it. They typically seem to be detached from people and this is very telling in marriage or a long term relationship. Another sign is that they seem detached and may not realize it, but subconsciously have a fear of rejection.
Porous personal boundaries are almost the polar opposite in terms of relationships. This personal boundary type has no issue disclosing information to people, in fact as we saw in the last article of the Boundary Book they may typically overshare. With this border type you will find the individual is extremely dependent on other people’s opinions even for basic things, such as “what do you want to eat”. They can be found involved in everyone’s drama as well! This type of personal boundary can be seen as being extremely codependent as they have difficulty saying no and fear rejection if they do not act or think like they feel someone wants them to.
Finally, we have healthy personal boundaries type. This can be seen as the baby bear in the Goldie Locks story. They are able to say no without fear of rejection or ramifications. This personal boundaries type can also ask for help when needed without being over dependent on other people. You can also find that they have a decent amount of close relationships and typically only divulge personal information with those they are closest with. This personal boundaries type will also have no problem classifying people as acquaintances, colleagues, or intimate friends/significant others and interact with each group differently as far as conversations go.
Personal Boundaries Are Not a One Size Fits All Approach To Life – Welcome in Boundary Confusion
Boundary confusion sounds like it could be confusing when we are talking about personal boundaries, and it very well could be. Actually, boundary confusion is confusing and is something I feel goes along with enforcing healthy personal boundaries and relationship problems. In fact, I think I may have met maybe a handful of people who do not at least occasionally have a mixture of the three main personal boundary types!
Something I have found very interesting with the way we use words is, well how we use words. We place very little importance on word usage. For me, I have a boundary in my house (a rule) that I don’t want to hear music with swears in it. I catch myself swearing occasionally, and 9/10 times it’s from music and I have to correct myself. This rule only applies to my children, one because I rather visit than have company, and two most adults who do visit don’t typically ask if they can play music on my television. I don’t let my children swear, no I don’t wash their mouths out, but I have no say over other adults.
Realistically that could look like what I call boundary confusion. Different people are able to act or use things differently. It’s really not boundary confusion at all. Again, people who know me typically swear less out of respect for my wishes compared to my children who I am disciplining to be respectable adults. I’ll end the argument regarding swearing with my opinion – a foul mouth does not make you seem more intelligent nor does it make you more attractive.
Some people you will probably notice after looking at the descriptions of the types of personal boundaries will be a mix of rigid and porous personal boundaries. This is extremely common as we are not one-size-fits-all robots! Some people get by, but this is where a lot of relationship problems can be seen. I’m not versed enough in the “love languages” to say I buy it, but I think people are simply that, unique people. I can shower some people with gifts and others I absolutely love spending a day with them!
The issue in relationships I have seen is where two polar opposites collide. I’ve found this is typically when the relationship, in a romantic sense, starts based mainly on looks. Additionally, we find polar opposite personal boundaries clashing due to the massive increase in online dating! So what do we do? Where do we go? We start to either work on ourselves or the relationship! We specialize in that over here, helping to find a balance that is. Plus change is hard! Thank goodness for our lasting change course which you can get by clicking the button below!
