What You'll Find Here
How Do You Know If You Have Boundary Issues?
We are following up the article on why you need healthy boundaries with this piece, “how do you know if you have boundary issues”. We could start with a quiz, but I like typing and explaining things so I guess I won’t. We know the benefits, some of them, as well as why you need healthy boundaries as we saw in the last article from the Boundaries Book here.
So how do you know if you have boundary issues? I ended up going down a rabbit hole that led to an incredible, 2 years worth, of research with what started from a past client asking how they could get past boundary issues with their mother-in-law. In a way, that actually led to the boundaries book. I digress as usual, so let’s jump into the question of “how do you know if you have boundary issues”.
Although we are not talking about the legality of this question, and when you discuss real property such as real estate boundary issues can cause significant headaches. I know that because my B.S. is in Legal Studies (you couldn’t pay me enough to practice law!). Toward the end we will relate a bit with the analogy of how a fence causing a boundary issue can relate to your own personal boundary issues.
In my years as a coach, I have seen boundary issues in the form of both physical actions as well as emotions. These pesky little issues can turn into huge problems in a few ways. If we leave them unaddressed, they can effect our relationships as well as take away from the joy and peace we should be able to enjoy in life.
Boundary Issues Follow Trends
If you look at the stock market, you will see trends with more established stocks. Personally, prior to 2020 I used to use the 1/3/5 year charts (not candle sticks and I will not attempt to get into stocks, this is only for an analogical example). You can tell and potentially guess where a stock will go with and without typical news. News can cause a stock’s price to increase or decrease on a whim and typically bounces back. Sometimes the decrease or increase sticks. Regardless we can tell a lot by the trend of the stock.
The same can be seen with us and boundary issues! Boundary issues will typically follow a past trend and do not normally just pop out of now where, like the stock’s reaction to news. We can almost dictate where or when something will happen. We get to this point through reflection. People in recovery seem to figure this part out during what is called the “dreaded” fourth step. In Celebrate Recovery which I attend meetings, like other recovery programs such as AA or NA but with a Christian viewpoint, we take a “fearless moral inventory” of ourselves.
This moral inventory done in the 4th Step work will help us see our trends. It is extremely helpful to see where our boundary issues may lay and the part we play in it! I encourage everyone to consider doing step work at least once in their life. It’s freeing, especially when we consider boundary issues and we can actually see them!
As you will see in the brief descriptions and issues below, it makes sense what was stated before. That boundary issues tie into a trend. Where they started is not something we will get into as they change for everyone. It could be PTSD or sexual/physical/emotional abuse and how it affected us.
Look at the image above of the candlestick pattern. Do you notice how it starts, then raises, and then completely drops off? You can view some boundary issues in much the same way. The relationships, normally during the flirting/courting stages will start off good, skyrocket, and then plummet. Can you relate to that? Over time I could, it turns out I had a horrendous issue with communication! In fact, some of the following signs that you have boundary issues I can completely relate with below!
Boundary Issue Examples
Again, we are not getting into causes of boundary issues. We are different as we are humans and not robots. What caused your boundary issues will likely differ from what can cause them in others.
The list below is not comprehensive, but are easy to spot a mile away as they are extremely common. Sometimes you may not even notice this until they are pointed out to you – which I am notorious for in the nicest way possible. Either way, once you honestly realize that you may have one or two, I would highly suggest working with us, or a therapist, to straighten thing out. You owe it to yourself. Also, click the banner below to secure your special session rates and lifetime access to the course that you can use not only to address boundary issues but other aspects or changes in your life!
Do You Typically Feel Used?
At time we can feel like a revolving door, where people have no issue using us – easily – for their own gain. This can be seen as constantly asking for a favor, or waiting until you are in a specific emotional state leaving you feeling “used and abused”. This is an example of having boundary issues.
Are You the Relationship (Unofficial) Handyman?
This is one I can clearly relate to, especially with my most recent ex girlfriend. She had an addiction issue, and I saw areas in her life I could circle on a board and point out without questions asked. And when she didn’t work on them, I’d start having resentments. This is one of the most common boundary issues you will find, in fact almost everyone I have personally coached has shown this particular boundary issue. When it comes to boundary issues, specifically this one we feel we need to fix people or their problems. I in fact use to pray that God would give me her problems instead.
Having this type of boundary issue can lead us down dark roads of aggravation, resentment, disappointment, and overall poor feelings. Even if we don’t show the emotion superficially, this one also takes away from you living a fulfilling life.
Do You Feel Like Your Name Should Be Rocky?
I’m not asking this in an underdog hero type. Sometimes boundary issues are secondary effects to a larger issue. This is similar to addiction where most people use a substance because they see that it covers up other feelings or memories. If you find that you are fighting or always debating, not to prove a point but literally just to be right at any cost, you may have boundary issues. Like addiction not being the main issue, although it may be the worst, this is a side effect or could relate to other issues. Like the Handyman I mentioned above, this would be a symptom of that issue where people do not act your way.
I Don’t Even Know You And I Love You!
Another common one which can be seen as being boundary issues on its own or a symptom. Most of the time I see this with boundary issues relating to abandonment or mistreatment. I can unfortunately relate to this one as well. This can be tough to fix, however I found that being comfortable in my own skin helped alleviate this. This is also another reason I would cheat toward the end of relationships, I needed to have someone there ready.
This, I have found, is also quite common in the younger generations. Often people will talk for a very brief period and it seems like almost immediately move in with the person they just started dating. When we get attention, we want to give all of our attention to the person showing us time and affection. Can you relate to this one? Most people can as this is one of the most common boundary issues.
Are Your Relationships Bi Polar?
Similar to looking like the stock market example above, this one looks at your relationships in a familiar, but still different way. This question deals with pondering if your relationships are incredibly awesome or extremely horrible. You will find this in many relationships now a day. The relationship seems to have no middle ground, “or chill zone” like one of my sons called it which makes sense to me. There are extreme polar opposites in your relationship and it’s literally all or nothing. This shows signs that you could have boundary issues, but also that you may either be celebrating or in a defensive mode all the time which isn’t necessarily boundary issues but can surely add to them.
“I Love You. Never mind I Hate You. WAIT, I Love You Again!”
I had a few of these types of relationships when I was younger. Some of the time I’d be the one out the door, but then I’d walk back in like I forgot something. These can be seen as constantly off and on again relationships. Sort of like the preceding boundary issue example, but with this you’re actually willing to break up – when your mad.
I have seen time and again that this type of boundary issue stems from anger and resentment (If you want to work on how to not hold resentments read this). Although most boundary issues are emotion based, you’ll see that there are a lot of actions involved, including this where you are actually “breaking up” as well.
A Lot of Drama is a Sign You Have Boundary Issues!
Do you hate drama? Does it seem like drama somehow always finds you and involves you? If you answered yes to the second part, you may have boundary issues! How do I know? I’ve seen it more times than I can count. Boundary issues as you’ve seen so far, tend to come from us allowing things to happen or continue to happen.
If ALL of Your Relationships Are Tough You May Have Boundary Issues..
This can stem from a few different things, however at the end they all seem to point to one thing, boundary issues. A few of the most common reasons that your relationships may be difficult is that you stay in an uncomfortable or unhealthy “zone”. You rely on people to make all of the desicions. If you ever go clothes shopping with me, you will find I have this issue.
Clothes shopping and dinner prep is where I’m at, however I am also known to hate regretting decisions. Being a thug in the 1990’s and earlier 2000’s I can say I have a justified gripe; have you seen how tight the pants are now a day?! I digress and that may be a poor example of boundary issues. Here is another one that relates to this example, “what church do we want to go to?” Or when in general someone makes a pick because you can’t, you find yourself arguing with how their pick was bad and you could have done better, but you can’t make the decision.
Codependency is a huge one we covered rather in depth before. If you hate letting people down, and you often find you hold a resentment that you had to help them, this is a huge sign that you have boundary issues. I can, again, relate to this one very well. I felt I had to fix everyone’s issues. Recently, I said I can’t and almost gave myself a pat on the back because it was huge for me to realize again my growth.
Relationships I find, again, are difficult if nothing changes. You are either putting in far too much effort in an attempt to help or save someone, you stay in your comfort zone regardless of how unhealthy it is, or you are afraid to think for yourself but hate the ideas of others.
You May Have Boundary Issues If You Are Always Drained!
This one I can say I relate to, but also that I’ve grown out of doing. I am able to help people on my terms, such as one of my son’s who is constantly going for medical testing and appointments (prayers for my boys is always welcomed and appreciated) and I find I have to rush to get “my life” into a day. Although I am blessed and grateful I get to take him and spend time with him, it can get tiring.
Assuming you are fully healthy physically, if you find yourself constantly tired because you are trying to live some semblance of a life you may have boundary issues. This is also a sign of people pleasing and codependency issues which surely relate to boundary issues. Sometimes with boundary issues when we are busy helping others, we have a fear we are going to miss out on what we want to do. This shows in boundary issues when you are seemingly worn for no reason as well. You could be pouring from an empty cup.
If You Overshare Details You Probably Have Boundary Issues
Where exactly this comes from, I have not found an intelligent hypothesis yet I agree with as there are tons of possibilities. However, boundary issues show here as oversharing intricate and, what should be, private details only intimate people with you should know occurs with people you just meet. To take it a step further, you may share these details with people who should just be classified as a colleague and don’t really have business (a career pun, you’re welcome) knowing a certain side of you as it is not pertinent information.
This can open the door to really nasty stuff, either intentionally or unintentionally by the person receiving your information. They could manipulate you by playing on a certain “heart string” you shared that, again, the average person shouldn’t know. I’m not saying that you should rehearse an entire conversation in your head before it happens because that’s just crazy, to an extent as I do it occasionally within reason.
There’s a relative to sharing too much with strangers that shows not only boundary issues but intimacy issues as well! It is panicking, or simply not sharing, when you consider sharing the same information with someone you are or at least should be growing close to! Again, these are boundary issues which probably, read surely, stem from something deeper.
Everything Hurts Me! Is Another Sign of Boundary Issues
You can probably figure it safe to assume you have boundary issues if you regularly feel like you are the victim. This can show in a few different ways. It typically comes from acceptance issues as well as accountability issues oddly I have found. I am not referring to running into red flag relationships where you are constantly physically assaulted, that’s a different story for a different day (read topic, not story).
I am talking about where you feel constantly overlooked (and maybe you are, a second set of eyes will surely help you realize this!) or blamed. Maybe you always feel like someone is attacking you with their thoughts, ideas, or opinions and you either fight or flight instead of hearing them out. Yep, that’s another sign of boundary issues.
Guilt and Anxiety Are Your Most Common Emotions
You probably have boundary issues if you find a lot of guilt and anxiety all over your life. It could be from even thinking about taking the last piece of cake for example. It could be you fear what others will say when you have an idea. I suffered boundary issues related to guilt and shame, not so much but surely to an extent anxiety as well. It kept me drinking, way too much (in all honesty one is too many here on out so I abstain fully in my recovery).
Boundary Issues Shown Through A Lack of Respect
Although it seems a lot of these relate to each other, the biggest relation is with ourselves. With a lack of respect boundary issues can be seen as well. We may walk around resenting things all the time and a lot of those can come not so much from actions per se but the feeling we are no being respected, either our wishes or statements.
A Quick Boundary Issues Recap and Where We Go From Here
You made it to the end! If you answered yes to a few of those, guess what….. you have boundary issues. As you saw, I did too! They are extremely manageable, but it takes a few different things to get past them. Setting boundaries sounds like it’s the toughest, but in reality it is enforcing the boundaries I have found.
Again, I have been in your shoes I would bet. Don’t let the list, or even the fact you have boundary issues, get you down. As I always say we are here and more than able to help you sort them out and move from here (suffering from the effects of boundary issues) to there (living a life free from boundary issues!). At the end, it is up to you if you set and stick with them. We are here to help coach you through them, or you can also go through our course and potentially do it yourself!
Up next is the next segment from the Boundaries Book, hope you are ready for it!
[…] Do You Have Boundary Issues? […]