Author: Coach Jay

Did you know THE BEST relationship advice is found in the Bible?! I’m not talking about the Song of Songs (although that does help with your…. intimate life). I promise I won’t will try not to be preachy, even though I am an assistant pastor. I also promise that you’re not up against much as far as “Keeping Up With The Jones'” as in an upcoming book (read my latest one here) you will see Christians are surely failing God left and right. I know many of you may not follow a Christian walk and I will respect that. Want to know what you’re going to find in this article beside the best relationship advice ever? You will find….

The Best Relationship Advice Plus……

We will be nailing good relationship traits, that’s a no brainer. What makes a relationship stronger will also be found in this article! We will be hitting the lovey dovey type of relationships as well as the ones not with “your person”! It’s all coming out of the Bible (again, we will not make you explain the meaning of the verses in Song of Songs to your kiddos, no worries). You’ll see a LOT of stuff in here about what we shouldn’t do too.

We will use headings to break down the topics for easy reading! If you felt any impact at all in this, follow our page on Facebook! Or at least share us, but we do share some pretty good memes on the Book. Not so much on Twitter yet, but we’ll get there. Follow the video for this too! So without further adieu, let’s start going over the BEST relationship advice ever (or evah as we say it in New England).

Good Relationship Traits Starts With…

One of my favorite reminder verses as I call them is in James 2:14-26 and that passage of Scripture works around the importance of works going along with your faith! One of the ways I feel we are failing Christ is with “lip service faith” (haven’t heard anyone else coin it so I will). Lip service faith is where we say this or say that, we are we aren’t, but our actions (works) show it differently. This is a part of Scripture we can throw right in to our relationships. This truly is some of the best relationship advice we will find.

Has your wife/hubby ever given you a Hunny Do List (why do only guys seem to have these lists?!)? “Yeah yeah, I’ll get to it”. You may have a strong desire to do it, but if you haven’t. Normally after a mega blow up we always hear the “I’ll try this” or “I’ll do that” but is it just lip service? Granted change can take some time, especially with deep rooted habits or patterns, but you really should have something to show for your words or “change” (If you want help changing, this course can save you thousands of dollars in coaching or counseling/therapy fees – clients have already said that).

I’m using an accountability partner here in lieu of a friend because I don’t have any. JUST KIDDING. Regardless, a relationship is a relationship. My accountability partner, which if you ask me is really just an amazing friend, brought something to my attention. “Jay, you mentioned you want to do more for yourself but you can’t even remember the last thing you prayed for God to bless or help you with!” What brings me to that is because when I relapsed, my accountability partner (now my sponsor – again) was my sponsor.

We were doing the 4th step, I knew I could get sober if I got through this stuff! But I was skipping our Wednesday night meetings to work out the steps. Then at times I was too drunk to go, other times I left because I had to get drunk. He knew I had the ability to not only get sober, but recover.

What’s the last paragraph have to do with the best relationship advice? Well simply that he could push me, and could have more at times. I played a part, I had the belief he was wise enough to get in my head and I could get sober and recover with his help, but we both failed to put in that extra work, for me basically any work.

So what makes a relationship stronger? Putting in the work.

So we see that some of the best relationship advice you can get is to put in the work. Make the effort is another way of saying this. Look at your top relationships as far as trying. Do they have the top three people or organizations in your life? No? Well if you’re feeling inadequate in them maybe put in some effort. This can be the friend who bails last minute, the husband who uses lip service and shows no actions.

Do You Have the Time For Some of The Best Relationship Advice?

Some of the best relationship advice by far is related to our time. Biblically it is seen in any passage or fable where something big is about to go down. I’m not going to lie, I struggled a bit finding “the right” verse for this because, again, the Word is packed with the importance and benefits of spending time with God.

I can testify to the benefit and importance of spending time with God! I read 5 or 6 books (a chapter in each) every day after worship. If I don’t my day feels off. Even when I do spend time, where’s my heart? Occasionally it’s with my dog barking, sometimes it’s with the mess my animals made on the floor while they are doing their parquor or however it’s spelled.

Regardless, I’m wasting my time with God. When I am actually seeking him with all of my heart, lo and behold I feel that connectedness with Him (this is a breakdown of Jeremiah 29:13). The time is crucial because I need to give Him me, and when I’m distracted even if I read 30 pages in the Bible and pounded tons of Hillsong, I don’t feel like I’m there. Sometimes I’m just singing the Words, but I’m not singing to Him.

Two people, no three come to my mind. Okay a bunch. I’ve been around people where I’ve noticed the quality of the time we spend/spent. Sometimes I am on my phone and extremely distracted from them even though we made plans to hang out. Sometimes I have something I need to prepare for a sermon or video or whatever. I’m not invested in the time we spend. I’ll catch myself doing this and change course.

One time recently, I forget if it was before New Years, yeah it was. I hung out with a girl Tiffany who was going through something. Some of the best relationship advice I can give was exhibited through her. Nothing inappropriate at all happened. I was there as a friend when she needed one. I notice everything and they amount of detail to her making sure, even if she did it purposely or not, I knew she was “there” was incredible.

We went out for a smoke, well I went out and she said it was too cold so she hung in the bathroom and opened the window. We both wanted a butt, I forgot what I touched on but it hit a nerve or struck a cord. She opened the window and as I was walking through her kitchen talked louder until I got near the window. I watched as she talked to me and her kids, amazing and beautiful kids, and she would make eye contact and maintain it in a very comforting and intimate way with everyone she spoke with. Same with her roommate/ex.

She knew how to give and spend time. She gave that time spent and interaction quality as well. I remember hanging out like it was yesterday and it was only about 3 hours months ago! It was one of the more enjoyable times of my year.

How to make What makes a relationship stronger? Improving the quality of the time spent.

This is one of the strongest good relationship traits I can think of and in our society this is something missing. Time and the quality of our time, what makes this some of the best relationship advice is that we can see how impactful the time we give without distractions can be. Again, pretty Biblical as we see above!

How can we use this so that it makes a relationship stronger? A few different ways actually. When we are sitting at the dinner table (I’m just as guilty) let’s put our phones down. Especially if we are on a date with someone and are trying to catch up on lost time. The person we are with who we haven’t seen in about 4 months should be getting the time and quality of that time versus the notification that your duck lip picture got a new like or comment.

This is actually a huge issue in relationships. I’d wager closer to half of the couples I coach who are having this trouble are guilty of this. Either one party or both. And if someone is talking to you and you get distracted, let them know and apologize! This will help them know that you value their time and they may want to give you more of it! Easily one of the top good relationship traits you want to work on. Sometimes giving time can be tricky, right? This leads to more of the best relationship advice I’ll be giving you today, well perpetually but you get the hint.

Realizing Priorities Is Some of the Best Relationship Advice You Will Get!

Another one that is tough to find one specific verse or passage, priorities. But this one is a doozie! I received a lot of insight from a message Pastor Rick talked about. It was titled Give God Your Best Time. The more I read it, it didn’t fit with the previous portion of the best relationship advice, but here? Absolutely. Another aspect going into the next book, idolatry (queue the dun dun dun noises). Again, hands down some of the best relationship advice I can remotely consider giving.

This one is so important to God, He had Moses put it into the 10 Commandments! Idolatry, or putting something before God led to many issues for the Israelites and other tribes and city-states in ancient times. A lot of trouble! In fact, and we will hit this one in the next section, here’s the command itself: “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me” (Exodus 20:2-3).

We got that from Life Hope and Truth, they have a really good breakdown of it here. God wants, and honestly deserves is beyond an understatement, to come first to us. Just like lip service above, this is important to God. Hey Christians, how did service go for you…. didn’t go? Too busy? “God knows I love Him.” It’s not only hurting him, and I believe it does, but you’re missing out from a message and community of evenly (as far as faith) yoked believers. Maybe you have that message for someone!

How is prioritizing people in your life one of the good relationship traits we are reading about?

How do you feel when you feel special? Special right? I hate how that reads but it’s the best my New Englander way of speaking could word it. I see/hear that A LOT in my relationship coaching sessions too. “I’m not a priority to you” and when I was actively abusing alcohol, I heard that from my special someone at the time.

Have your kids ever told you they want more time? Have your parents ever told you it would be nice if you came by more? A friend said to you they wondered if you would come by again? Those three question marks followed by words, should have just said questions, are where people are showing you they realize they are not a priority.

I would wager you know how that feels, and if you don’t try out a Celebrate Recovery Step Group and you’ll say “wow, I do get it!” because at some point the majority of people admit to feeling like they weren’t a priority. I had the potential for an incredible relationship with a wonderful woman named Katelyn, but I never felt like a priority. Eventually I stopped texting first and what hit me in the gut the most was “dang, I put alllll of the effort in”!

You know what happens when people don’t feel like a priority, aside from hurting inside? They develop resentments toward you or whatever you are busy with. How do I know? I read substantially about it and took that topic as a project for a Masters degree class. I wrote a ton about resentments here, and here, and here, and I’ll just add a tag for you to search soon. I know the topic well.

So how do we get to a point where people are not a priority in our life? Maybe that group video game online got you sucked in? Could it be the hours at work? Maybe you just want “your” free time without anyone around? Maybe you just need to pull your head out of your rear and notice the people around you?

We Have More of the BEST Relationship Advice Here!

“God let’s us walk all over Him, He doesn’t have boundaries!” I can see that, however I feel God is just showing the gifts of the Holy Spirit toward us, specifically long suffering. In this, God is showing I wouldn’t say hope but patience with us as well. Patience that we will repent from our sin, that we will be a light and look to Him, patience in His opportunity for the prodigal children to come back to Him. There’s a limit to His boundaries I believe. God wants us in HIS kingdom!

In the end times I believe post rapture you’ll have to show allegiance to the anti Christ. Once you do, your shot at Salvation and Heaven are gone. Poof. Once you take that mark, you’ll realize His boundaries after it is far too late. Don’t accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior? You won’ enter Heaven man. God has some easy boundaries to follow. If you’re living in sin, you may not get that answer to your prayer.

Remember the Boundaries Book series of Articles? Yeah, read them. Here’s a link for setting healthy boundaries. We have one here too for when it could be too late to set boundaries. 18 examples of healthy boundaries can be found here. Remember what poor boundaries look like? Find that article here. And here we have why personal boundaries are important.Why are Personal Boundaries Good for You? There’s More Than 1 Reason You’ll Certainly Want Them! I also went over why we need personal boundaries and I even started off with what personal boundaries are! Go re-read them, all the links open in a new window.

Communication is THE Best Relationship I Could Give You…

Hands down and by far the most important piece of any relationship advice. This is what makes a relationship stronger, communication. I won’t rewrite the Bible however I don’t think there is a more common theme presented. Literally in every chapter God is communicating with us. We see it throughout the Holy Word from Genesis through Revelation.

God makes clear how we approach Him. He let’s us know who He is. He tells us what He likes and doesn’t like. He tells us what He hates and loves. He tells us how to live and He tells us what to do in a variety of situations. He communicates with us when we are listening. Any aspect of anything relating to communication, is communicated with us through the Bible. This is the crux of the article, no attribute is more important in a loving relationship.

Good relationship traits don’t matter if communication is missing…

Communication is key in any relationship. It gives us guidelines to follow. How often do you and your partner sit and talk, just the two of you? This is when you guys get down to the nitty gritty! We will be doing a full fledged article on communication in a relationship soon. But there’s a big reason this is paramount in the Bible, because it literally sets the stage for a healthy relationship. Again, ythis concept is the best relationship advice anyone will ever get.

If you folks aren’t expressing what bothers you, what happens? You end up building resentments toward a person, place, or thing right? Suppose someone is getting really – I mean really – chummy with your spouse or significant other and it bothers you. “Well they should know it offends me.” HOW?! People do not have the ability to read minds unless you have a demonic gift (real and Biblical also). It’ll be assumed you are jealous, mad about something, or psycho. If people don’t know – they don’t know.

Although this is typically geared toward guys, it goes both ways. I lost a marriage over a lack of communication. I got engaged afterward and guess what, we broke up over a lack of communication. The last one tried, I was just busy throwing my pity party. Every single person but her knew. Rationally, how could she address what bothered me if she was unaware? I’m far from alone in this. I’ve been working heavily on my communication skills since before the split, it was too little too late. She made plenty of mistakes, but we couldn’t work on them as long as I kept the reasons hidden.

When friends upset us and we let them know, we are doing our part in communicating. Communication works in all relationships. If that friend discounts what you say and continues their behavior, maybe it’s time to let them know. If you keep doing blah blah around me I can’t spend time with you. There won’t be a need for closure, because they’d be aware the relationship is on the rocks.

This goes for your work relationships too! If you’re struggling to keep up, maybe let your boss know. Also I am a huge proponent for a 35 hour work week. And I am extremely pro small business. The more bureaucracy you have in your company, the tougher it is to understand what’s good and bad. You could also set yourself up for a great promotion, have an idea of how something could be done better? Let the manager know. These are only some of the ways communication can influence a strong and healthy relationship, or one that is hanging on by a thread.

Think You’re Set With Implementing The Best Relationship Advice?

It’s okay to be unsure. This is the best relationship advice and as you saw, it’s all pretty Biblical as well. We proved that the best relationship advice does in fact come from the Word of God. He is your first helper in my opinion. We are a solid runner up though! Give us a jingle and see how we can help you use the best relationship advice in your life and where you can improve. Unlike other coaches, we will give you ideas as well. Literally click the banner above.

What did you think about this? What do you think we missed? It was a long read, however I feel (and my test readers who are unpaid) believe this is hands down the best relationship advice on the web. Happy Valentines Day 2023 yall!

In our page on Life Coaching we (very) briefly covered types of coaches. This list is going to give you a working overview of the many different types of coaches and what they do! Without further delay, and hopefully no digressing, let’s cover the main one’s! Read this as a type of definition list, like if you were looking for a type of coach

Types of Coaches

Life Coach: A life coach is a really general term. These types of coaches could cover one area of your life, work with other types of coaches, or even could work concurrently with a therapist. A typical issue people come to life coaches with is the feeling that they are “stuck” in life or that they feel they should be getting more out of life.

Mindset Coach: This is another of the various types of coaches out there. A mindset coach will help you with mindset based topics. Maybe you are a pessimist and want to think more clearly and positively. A mindset coach would be the type of coach you would go and look for.

Team Coaching: These types of coaches sound like they would be involved in the sports world, and that’s partially true – they could be. Team coaches are types of coaches that work with many different members, or all members depending on the scope of their project, in the goal of team development. This could be helping to foster better relationships between teams, working on having teams improve productivity, and the list is really just large. I did this type of coaching a few times and it can be very rewarding.

Leadership Coach: There is a plethora of topics that a leadership coach could be beneficial in. Either working on the leader or executive improve their communication and delegation abilities or other leadership tasks, a leadership coach can be very useful. Not to be confused with an executive coach who mainly works with an executive, leadership coaches help to instill and develop leadership qualities in their client.

Mentor: Where life coaches focus on plans, skill development, and action mentors provide a wealth of knowledge and wisdom when it comes to

Career Coach: Preparing for a particular career, switching careers, or looking to progress in your career is when a career coach would be most beneficial. In addition to this, a career coach can help you develop a trajectory plan, help with interviewing, educational opportunities, and similar work and career topics.

Personal coach: Sounds life it could be a life coach, and at times a life coach will be a personal coach. I am rarely open to the idea of personal coaching because of the amount of time you dedicate to one customer. Many rich and famous people will have a personal coach, they help with decisions and sometimes act as a companion!

Relationship coach: A relationship coach will help navigate the difficulties many find in relationships. What’s interesting is that this is not relegated simply to romantic relationships. Although relationship coaches are typical in intimate settings, I have actually worked with a few sets of tenants a landlord loved but did not love each other.

Family coach: Family issues can hurt the family relationship. A Family coach specializes in helping the family unit work cohesively to reach individual and family goals!

Health and wellness coach: I was researching a family members career path many years ago and found this type of coach. These types of coaches are similar to life coaches, and for that matter psychologists as well. They work to help improve your health through diet and behavioral changes. These types of coaches are rather all encompassing when it comes to your health and well being as life coaches are to your life.

Fitness coach: Fitness coaches specialize in helping you achieve your fitness related goals. These are basically personal trainers. This is one field where you would want to check and see if the coach has a certification.

Mental health coach: This is NOT to be confused with or replace certified medical care! I have done this from time to time. A mental health coach is someone who works to improve the mental well being of their client. This is not therapy at all. Although therapeutic tools and techniques are used, such as cognitive behavioral therapy strategies, these types of coaches do not focus on treating the client but rather helping them improve in general. I take great joy in this type of work and do hold a certificate specifically for this type of coaching that I keep up to date.

Spiritual coach: These types of coaches work on getting you closer to a higher power, whatever you consider that higher power. Rarely will I personally engage in these sessions however I do know other of these types of coaches I may recommend someone talk with. A typical topic you will find with spiritual coaches is a “spiritual journey”.

Christian Coach: Also known as a Christian Life Coach are different from Spiritual coaches. This type of coach works in a similar manner as a spiritual coach, however have a focus on Jesus Christ. I am a Christian Life Coach, I am not a Spiritual coach as I mentioned previously. What I do, is I help fellow Christians (most denominations) improve their walk with Christ. This is some of the absolute most fulfilling sessions I have as I get to pray and go over Scripture if fellow believers request that type of session!

Business coach: These types of coaches are known in the business world. Typically someone who is retired in the industry or who has an MBA from a University will be a business coach. Business coaches typically help their client with a wide range of business related topics. They could help develop strategies, improve leadership skills, etc. I personally do eCommerce coaching as I have ran successful websites for ages.

Finance coach: Financial Coaches are becoming very popular. I believe one of the best and most famous financial coaches is Dave Ramsey. The guy is a financial whiz and I have used some of his strategies personally. These types of coaches can help with anything from debt to budgeting, to saving for specific events.

Sales coach: Not to be confused with a business coach, these types of coaches focus solely on sales. It could be uncovering where sales issues arise from or even implementing new strategies to increase sales to new or existing services or products.

Vocal coach: I’m putting this for my son. When I sing, my “tra la la’s” sound more like a “even God puts earplugs in”. I would want to look into a vocal coach, they help you with pitch, tone, and singing in general. The Voice contestants have really made this field popular.

Sport specific coach: I coach first base currently for the Dighton 12U Fall Ball Team. During a recent game I witnessed a child throwing no less than 80 miles per hour. It turns out his parents spend a ton on a pitching coach for their son. A sport specific coach will work to help your child, or you, in various aspects of different sports.

Transition coach: Whether we are preparing to transition from one career to another (although you can also use a career coach for this) or are preparing for retirement, a transition coach can be useful. Depending on the transition as well as the coach’s experience in that particular field a mentor could be beneficial as well.

Launching coach: I’m on of few launching coaches and to be honest, there should be a lot more of us. We help parents properly launch their children from catapults…. or rather into adulthood. Finances, social life, and wisdom are given to teens who are reaching adulthood and launching coaches are the ones who do it. A few of the massive topics covered are boundaries, responsibility, and planning. These are typically done with a minimum 4 sessions but typically 6 to 8. There are a lot of “what if” hypothetical scenarios that go into the session work.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships – How Do We Do It?

We made it, the last segment of the Boundaries Book! This last segment is about setting healthy boundaries in relationships. It took a bit, but hey life happens right? We already know what healthy boundaries look like, how to tell if we have boundary issues, the downfall of having poor boundaries in intimate relationships, what boundaries are, why you want personal boundaries, and why we want and need healthy boundaries. That was a long sentence!

Before we dig in, as you’ve read so far you may relate to some examples or situations, but not others, right? There is no clear cut way when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. That’s the bad news however, there is good news too! Many of the ways we set healthy boundaries in a relationship either at work or in our most intimate relationships can be adjusted and fine tuned to your situation – regardless of what you are dealing with! Being said, setting healthy boundaries in relationships has a few key players or aspects to the concept of – well setting those boundaries. They are:

• Perseverance
• Desire
• Adjustment
• Enforcement

Keep that list in your mind, because we have a few steps to setting healthy boundaries in relationships; we surely will be adressing that list though!

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships – Step 1, Set But DON’T Forget!

We have heard it time and again that we can set and forget something. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships that is one of the last things we want to do! We want to set our boundaries with purpose. Actually, yeah it’s a plug, click here and grab your copy and you will see how useful our Lasting Change product is when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships! Again, the keyword so far in this paragraph has been purpose.

When we are setting boundaries, we have a reason for it. Although I have seen it where people literally try to place boundaries “just because” which accomplishes nothing from what I can see aside from attempting to show their dominance. Being said, when this occurs there are really some obvious signs that the individual most likely could have either a personality disorder of some type or severe identity and esteem issues. So when we are setting boundaries, we are doing it with purpose! Let’s take a quick peak at a quote that will help the idea toward the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a relationship really resonate.

You get what you tolerate

Henry Cloud drcloud.com

So let’s think about why we are setting these boundaries. Are you sick of getting hurt or feeling used? So we know why we are doing it, now we have to literally do it! Doing it is literally the first step. If you find that you have things you want to get done, office work or in this case setting healthy boundaries in a relationship, then maybe take a refresher and read this article on an awesome life coaching hack to stop procrastination dead in its tracks!

When Setting Healthy Boundaries In a Relationship We Need to Know the “Or Else”! Step 2

We live in a land with rules and laws to help people be treated to what the Constitution feels is fair and just. We have court houses who have judges and magistrates to hand out consequences when laws are infringed upon or broken. In your life, your boundaries are your laws and you are the sole judge. If you want people to respect you more, knowing that is crucial! How so you may be wondering? Well look at this compare/contrast example.

“Oh just grab Tom’s stapler, he won’t say anything. If he needs it he will probably just come and ask if we are done with it.”

“I wouldn’t just grab Tom’s stapler, he hates people touching his stuff. You’ll probably get written up if you take it without his permission. He’s a stickler about that stuff”

Although the second example shows people potentially talking down about Tom, there’s more than a subtle respect for what you can and can’t do with his things. The first example however shows that Tom is weak and can be pushed aside because there’s no consequence. This shows the benefit of having consequences when it comes to your boundaries you set.

When it comes to consequences with your boundaries there can be a fair amount of confusion, but this is important when setting healthy boundaries in a relationship. That relationship can look different for each aspect of your life too, which could complicate matters even more. When setting healthy boundaries in a relationship, we need consequences. These consequences don’t have to sound as perilous as the word makes it seem.

I’m working on, it will always be a work in progress, boundaries now and just stopped focusing on a relationship with someone over time. I’m actually proud of myself because I addressed what I expect within reason. I’ll continue this afterward. However, if I am dating or “talking” to someone as whipper snappers call it, I want their time. Due to past trauma and a bunch of crap I went through, I realized the importance of time from people.

Consequences Can Be Confusing When Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Let’s uncover another level of complication, what’s the consequence for rule breaking when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships? Just as setting healthy boundaries in relationships aren’t a one size fits all type of thing, neither are the consequences. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is just as unique as the consequences should be.

As I mentioned, I like time with people and this is a newer boundary I have set, rather consequence. My ex would go missing in action for days on end, and at one point early on I hadn’t seen her in over a month! If I am talking to someone now, I’d expect to see them at least once a week as we attempt to build something serious. So what would be a consequence if that didn’t happen? I’d move on and keep them at a level that’s not above friendship.

I don’t date my friends, but if I don’t see them in a few weeks it doesn’t bother me as much. When I’m dating or talking to someone though? That’s a whole other can of worms. Taking into account we are planning consequences as we are working on setting healthy boundaries in relationships, we have to consider what is reasonable and what is not.

I mentioned I don’t date my friends so I wouldn’t expect to see them versus people I am dating or talking to; I do however have consequences for time when it comes to friends also. If we make plans and 9 out of 10 times they bail or do not show up, or are obscenely late where it impacts the rest of my free time then there’s a consequence. “Hey do you want to hang out after blah or before blah” I would be more reserved and probably say “not this time”. I also use reservation as a time to address resentments I may have, another story for another time though. I digress.

So for a quick summary, time is important to me. Time needed is dictated differently on different levels of relationships. When you’re trying to get going with setting healthy boundaries in relationships, it’s not just okay to have different consequences for different people – it makes tons of sense to have them that way!

When Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Communication is (A) Key! Step 3

I’ve been accused of being and accused of expecting them to be mind readers. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships we need communication. Every relationship needs communications, but when we are talking about setting or reestablishing boundaries (that’s a thing too which we will see). We may see no wrong in something and think nothing of doing it or acting on it, however to someone else it could be monumental.

When we are setting healthy boundaries we need to communicate that. First, that we are setting healthy boundaries in that relationship, and what the consequences are. Do we have a right to ask someone why they set a particular boundary with someone? Most would say no, we have no right. I however firmly disagree. This is completely different than telling someone their boundaries are ridiculous.

When we are asking people a question, there are a few under discussed benefits to the questions granted they are respectful. One of them, is that we have the challenge and journey of getting to know someone a bit better. Another benefit to asking someone about their boundaries, especially if you view it as unreasonable, is maybe they are unaware that their boundary is unreasonable – and that shows they never took the Lasting Change course that you were wise enough to take!

There’s been dozens of times in my life where people asked me why I do or think particular things and I have learned greatly about myself during reflection from those questions! A second set of eyes is normally extremely beneficial, that’s why I love to life coach our clients!

Reestablishing Boundaries is As Important (When Needed) As Setting Healthy Boundaries In Relationships!

Reestablishing boundaries follow the same communication needs as setting healthy boundaries in relationships. I see this regularly with parents who want more respect from their children. I’ve heard along the lines of “I’ve told them when they were 5 they can’t just take without asking.” I typically ask two questions, one of which I can typically assume the answer two the other gives a great guide and is normally eye opening for the parent.

The first question I ask is if they inform their kids why at a level the child can understand. Giving a consequence or even just a reason that requires a teacher’s aide for the child to understand isn’t going to work. Looking back at the common problem above, the parent wants respect. This is totally acceptable and common sense. I’ve also heard the answer come out as “because I am the boss and I say so.” Most people do not respond well to authoritarian attitudes and rebellion is typically common.

The second question I ask is how many times they’ve tried setting healthy boundaries in relationships with their kids – like how often did you put that statement on the table? I’ve heard everything from constantly (which is up next) to “oh you know, I told him once when he was 5. Do you know he’s still touching my stuff without asking and he just got his Master’s degree?! (Oyyyyy)”.

Focusing on reestablishing setting healthy boundaries in relationships is important. This is especially true if you are going through rough patches! Think about people who argue about the same thing over and over again. If they want to improve their toxic relationship, wouldn’t it make sense to come up with a solution, either agreed upon for both or as a way one expects to be treated or spoken to? If old ways start happening regularly, reestblishing and again setting healthy boundaries in relationships has to happen.

For it to happen, there’s got to be communication. Let’s look at this example: “Babe, we agreed that we weren’t going to eat a bag of chips before dinner so we can enjoy a meal together and talk about our day. Here we are basically owning half of Lay’s again. Time together was our biggest issue and now neither of us is hungry for a meal at the same time. We need to get back to doing what we agreed upon or either I am no longer cooking for us or we take a break from each other.”

Using the chip example above, would it be fair to just shut the door on the relationship? No, especially if communication has been missing! Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is only going to work when the boundaries and consequences are known.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Means You Have To Put Up Or Shut Up – Step 4

This is typically the absolute hardest part of creating lasting change as well as setting healthy boundaries in relationships. The boundaries and the consequences have to be enforced. I wish I could say it, I can but will save your eyes, 50,000 times because this concept is just as important as any of the others. In fact, if you leave one step out, you’re not going to get anywhere.

Setting healthy boundaries in relationships can be uncomfortable. Setting consequences to when, because inevitably it will probably happen, they are broken is equally as important. Communicating those new or reestablished boundaries in the relationship are equally as important. We can nail all of those, but trust me – this is the toughest part. Enforcing those boundaries is by far the toughest aspect.

It’s tough because of how uncomfortable it is when the consequence has to roll out. Maybe you’ve been stuck here, with enforcing boundaries, and that makes sense. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say it’s okay – because it’s not and you have to know that. When you aren’t enforcing them, you’re not sticking to your own wants and desires.

This isn’t to say you have to be a stickler and slap knuckles with a ruler (unless you said that was a consequence). There is plenty of room for compassion when you are enforcing your boundaries or following up with them. There does, however, have to be some firmness here as well. Is it putting that toy away your child loves but they didn’t clean their room? Is it enjoying desert, but your family doesn’t because they didn’t do (whatever, probably eat those nasty lima beans)?

For me recently following up on my boundaries was tough. I had to break things off with an ex who I was supposed to marry. Recently, I stopped talking to someone I had interest in. I explained to the recent girl that I feel like responses were obligatory as I always reached out first. I don’t roll like that. I have no issue making time or reaching out, however I do have an issue when I take initiative all the time. Was it easy? Of course not, however I had to because otherwise the pattern would continue.

As far as explaining yourself, that is entirely up to you. She didn’t ask and she hasn’t reached out in about 2 weeks. Sure it stinks, I began liking her. But I’m not going to feel like a beggar because I know who I am. If I expected a text message or phone call every 5 minutes, that would be completely unreasonable. A simple hi at the beginning or end of the day would suffice and now I’m like that with everyone.

Even though the enforcement may be tough, it helped me feel a greater sense of who I am and what I deserve. In the end, setting healthy boundaries in relationships ended up being one of the best changes I made aside from returning to follow Christ and becoming sober. Enforcement is a key part of establishing and setting healthy boundaries in a relationship.

Almost Done With Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships….. But What About That List?

I am glad you remembered! You may not have because this is surely a longer article, but it’s important! Here is the list I mentioned after the first paragraph:

• Perseverance
• Desire
• Realization
• Adjustment
• Enforcement

So let’s break this list down and see how it ties in to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. First, perseverance. Rome was not built in a single day, right? If you are setting healthy boundaries in a relationship that just started or are reestablishing those boundaries you need to stick with it. It may get tough because nobody said that setting healthy boundaries in relationships was easy, but is it worth it? Only you can know (and we are here to talk if need be!)

Desire is up next. Think about why you want to set healthy boundaries in relationships. Do you have an idea of what it will start or stop? Do you have milestone or benchmarks you can follow? There’s a famous saying that we “need to know our why” and it hold true to reestablishing or setting healthy boundaries in relationships! (Hint: Just because isn’t typically a good answer)

Adjustment is an important topic when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. This is because sometimes we may act, assume, or want something out of an elevated or depressed emotional state. Sometimes our boundaries may be too tough, not tough enough, or completely unreasonable. When adjusting, remember – communicate, communicate, communicate!

Enforcement was the last step we covered. If you forgot that already you either blindly read through this article, which I do appreciate you reading regardless, or have some major memory issues. Either way it’s fine as long as you got something out of it!

You’ve Made It!

8 chapters and probably around 30,000 (literally) words later we made it to the end. It was brought me a lot of joy writing this, it was fun. I pray (because I’m a Christian Life Coach so that’s what I do, either openly with clients or in quiet – integration is great!) this segment of articles blessed you!

If you’ve found that “wow, I really need better boundaries” in my life or “I never realized how important it was in setting healthy boundaries in relationships” or even realized “I think I need help setting healthy boundaries in relationships because I have none!” I highly encourage you to take the course, Lasting Change, by clicking the banner below! It’s the same process I regularly use and will be updated with examples and case studies throughout the year – and you get each update for free before we begin to sell them individually!

Starting to wrap up the Boundaries Book aren’t we? This article, “Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – When is it Too Late to Set Boundaries?” and then how to actually set boundaries! This is an incredibly important topic and there is a tough question to answer. When setting boundaries relationships can take a hit, I experienced this personally and I have coached people and seen when it comes to setting boundaries relationships can do one of three things and we need to be ready for all of them. When setting boundaries relationships can adjust and thrive, go through a rough patch and maybe survive, or burn and crash.

Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Yes

When considering setting boundaries relationships do in fact have an expiration date!. Life surely has no known timestamp on our lives, this is good and bad when you realize that when setting boundaries relationships will have a chance to thrive. This is especially true when you realize nothing aside from God’s kingdom will last forever.

There comes a time when the contemplation or realization for setting boundaries in relationships takes too long and the figurative ship begins to sail. It could be that last action, inaction, statement, or literal death that causes that timestamp to be shown and the possibility for salvaging and improving that relationship to arrive too late.

How do you know if the setting boundaries relationship time marker has come? Sometimes that is up to you to decide, sometimes it is totally dependent on someone else, and as you saw above sometimes it is dependent on God if it’s too late

We saw with God it’s easy to know if it’s too late, we see that when He decides an earthly existence for you or whoever is complete. So, if we don’t consider death what else is permanent? Nothing, literally. Nothing in life is permanent aside from taxes, birth, and death. So when it comes to setting boundaries relationships do have an expiration date where it is too late.

One curve ball is when the relationship is over. It surely has to be too late to set boundaries than right? For that relationship, potentially. I have to say the caveat there is that there exists too many variables for anyone to ever say for certain. I’ve seen people do almost unthinkable things to each other, have extremely toxic relationships, and still after a decade long break work things out and have a fruitful relationship. A few things will block this though:

• Death, because that’s certain and permanent
• A “sour taste in their mouth” attitude, think resentment here
• Blatant refusal

I firmly believe everything has a chance when there is “no hope”. People change, especially those who take out Lasting Change course. Considering that many other factors work in favor against the short list above, setting boundaries relationships could always stand a chance!

Let’s proceed!

Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Maybe.

Let’s take the above and expand on it a bit. We now know there is always hope, however when it comes to setting boundaries relationships will obviously differ, even relationships one person has with others. Look at addiction, it’s really a situation that has many circle of events that you can’t really predict. For the giver in a codependent relationship, will they be able to stop enabling whether that enabling is providing a roof and food, a ride so they know the receiver is safe, or money so the receiver is less likely to commit a crime?

When it comes to setting boundaries relationships are going to require a lot, such as determination, consistency, desire, probably help for long ingrained issues, persistence, patience, hope, support, and dedication. Acceptance is tricky as we could simply be continuing the boundary issues in the relationship in a different light. When you are accepting different allowances and dis allowances you are opening the door for confusion and potentially reversion to the situation prior to the attempt at setting boundaries.

I can speak to the maybe here. A dear friend has a child who was messed up in some pretty serious things specifically gangs and drugs. This relationship had established boundaries which were constantly ignored by one of the parents yet enforced by the other parent. The difficulty here is the strain the violations had on the relationship. Divorce occurred and the child spiraled out of control.

Reunification was needed as the state had to step in and remove the child from the household of the parent who enforced the boundaries! Makes no sense, right? When the fact that manipulation was a tool used by the child it will. A codependent relationship can involve multiple people, this one involved two givers and one receiver. One giver gave to another giver who in turn helped the receiver. So how did this pan out?

Although there was divorce and a need for reunification with the child, we worked diligently with the parties, the receiver’s therapist and me acting as a life coach. The first step was the lasting change course and an idea of what an agreed upon big picture looked like with both of the givers. Then we set boundaries which were very flimsy in the beginning. However there was another reunification, the marriage between the two givers!

It was a perfect storm, however instead of slamming boundaries down at the drop of a dime they were incrementally put into place at the suggestion of the therapist and myself. It wasn’t easy, however the severity of the ramifications for both the enforcing giver (both wanted the relationship to work, the enforcer had a more difficult time adjusting to reasonable boundaries which is discussed in the Lasting Change course) and receiver became more reasonable. Rebellion was handled differently. A lack of communication was the root problem for all involved.

So how does this fit with “Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Maybe.” topic? Easy, as it is uncommon that marriages that end in divorce are reengaged we see clearly how this is a situational concept. It could be too late, if the enforcing giver wouldn’t budge the same spiral could have continued.

Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Nope

Finality is ultimately the key here. There is a chance that people can change. Look at that Disney movie with Scrooge McDuck! I bring that up because I miss good ole fashioned Disney and it shows a great example of how we never know the ending of something. People can have a change of heart.

So far we have dived into a few topics regarding personal boundaries. We have learned why we need personal boundaries, how to tell if we have boundary issues, and also what personal boundaries are. Today we are looking again at another topic from the Boundaries Book, why personal boundaries are good for you. This may seem similar to the first main article in the Boundaries Book, and it is. But this article will solely focus on the benefits of personal boundaries. Frame this topic as “what personal boundaries give you”.

Personal Boundaries Give Gifts!

Looking at what personal boundaries can give you versus why they are good for you, I have found in my practice as a life coach, make them easier to implement. Sure we all need them, but sometimes the want aspect to fulfilling is lacking. When the want is lacking, the potential of implementing them becomes even tougher (that is unless you grabbed our course, Lasting Change). So looking at the benefits of something and wanting them makes it easier to attain, in this case implement, them.

We all know vitamins and when needed medicine are good for us. How easy is it for us to remember to take them? What does CoQ10 even give me again (kidding, it’s great for heart health which is why I took it). Another example in realizing the difference is one of my children. James hates trying new things, this was very evident when he had a chicken nugget and fry diet and basically wrote off everything else. He eats broccoli now because it helps build up his immune system, I explained it as a missing piece to his “health puzzle”.

Have Self-Esteem Issues? Personal Boundaries May Be Your New Best Friend!

I was reading an issue of Forbes not that long ago (actually it was going on 3 years ago so maybe a bit of time ago) and noticed the relationship between self-esteem and personal boundaries. At first I thought that was interesting, but then I realized that Forbes caters to the business community and a weak leader is a huge issue (NO current president jokes regardless of the validity). I did some soul searching. I looked at my past life when I was a ruckus raising pain in the law’s butt. I was respected by everyone. I also had zero issue handing out punishment which led to that respect/fear.

I saw first hand that my boundaries helped me gain respect. I found something extremely interesting that I kept going back to in that article. The exact quote is below. “You define how you are going to be treated and how you are going to react”. I love quotes and that one is HUGE for me. The issue was, I didn’t want to be feared, just respected and appreciated.

So did I have to readjust my boundaries? To an extent. The funny thing is, when I was in relationships I wanted to be, I was walked over regularly. In the streets, nobody messed with me. I had to connect the dots somewhere and see what was wrong. The full quote below explained it perfectly.

Establishing personal boundaries reflects the way you take responsibility for your life. You define how you are going to be treated and how you are going to react. Of course, we can’t control every situation in our lives, but in many personal interactions, we have the ability to state, by word or deed, that certain behaviors by others will or will not be tolerated.

Svetlana Whitener

I found, through some step work and a lot of reflecting, I had boundaries but I picked and chose when I enforced them. I couldn’t physically harm a woman, that’s just not cool in my books, but they might leave! At that time I realized how completely codependent I really was. I started sticking to my guns (not literally this time) and said enough was enough. I lost my most relationship over it, but at the same time I was losing myself. My esteem was low and my boundaries with her were basically nonexistent.

The correlation had been found. Not only was the correlation between boundaries and my self esteem found, I also began finding I liked myself and was worthy of respect.

Your Boundaries Help Explain Who Your Are

There are three main types of boundaries I have found: emotional, physical, and mental. Although they are self explanatory, allow me to broaden each type a bit. Explaining each type of boundary will help to show you what I meant when I said boundaries can help to explain who you are.

Mental Boundaries and Why They Matter

Mental boundaries are what you hold upstairs in your noggin. Your wants and needs are found here. You can also find your beliefs and values hanging around the mental label area. Know what else makes up your mental boundaries? Your thoughts as well as opinions. So how can we have these violated and how do they affect our self esteem?

One thing we have to throw in here is a figurative crowbar, knowledge. This will effect how others view your opinion, thought process, as well as values. Take for instance the abortion debate. I was listening to someone argue for abortion and they explained that the fetus doesn’t feel pain so it really isn’t alive. In the medical community, her opinion raised eyebrows and wonder toward what she was reading. She was basically a big mouth with no knowledge toward the being of a fetus.

In fact, if you have an exposed nerve on a tooth, it would hurt right? I’ll let you have at that, it was just a good example of knowledge being imperative toward your thoughts and opinions. I really despise discussing politics personally. Again, having a lack of knowledge toward something will lower others view of you. I’ve also seen this lead to pointless arguments. When you have established mental boundaries, with knowledge, others will hold your discussions with more esteem!

What About Disagreement on Values and Beliefs?

Ahh yes, a fighting tool for Christians! First we should have a good understanding of what a value and belief is. A value is something you believe is important. A belief is a trust or faith in something. Those are the most toned down definitions I could think of. It’s also where a lot of Christians do the opposite of what God wants! As a Christian Life Coach, I had to bring this one up (also a big reason I get numerous secular/atheist clients!). We are not to shove our beliefs down anyone’s throats.

I have great reasons for my faith (belief) having huge importance (value) in my life. Now, my values and beliefs will differ from many other Christians. In discussing them, I like to first get a good understanding for why others believe a certain way. This includes the thoughts that make up their opinions and such. I have no issue explaining my points even if they aren’t aligned or even run contrary to someone else’s. I also realize they are mine. I don’t engage with people when they belittle my God, I pray for them instead and either end or change the conversation.

Many Christians feel they have to save someone, and while we do play a small part in it, we plant a seed, their thought is not very biblical. Would I correct them in that argument? Sure, with Scripture that I believe would help them. However, I would respect their beliefs and values (their mental boundaries) and pray for them to understand the truth being Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6).

Emotional Boundaries are Just as Important as Mental Boundaries

They are, and you know what emotional boundaries are right? Just in case, let’s clarify what we are talking about here. Emotional boundaries are your feelings, choices, and decisions. If you are emotionally healthy, you’re probably going to make wise decisions. A decision is a choice. A choice is what you picked from your options. Sometimes you only have one choice. Feelings are a bit different, we aren’t talking about me having no feeling in my left thigh, but rather that I’ve enjoyed a relatively peaceful life since January.

So how do we regulate emotional boundaries, especially when we have no control over the feelings of others? That’s actually easier than you may think! We can certainly regulate our emotional boundaries even if we can’t regulate the emotional boundaries of others. Going back to that quote above, it is what we allow.

For instance, I am living the single life. One thing I didn’t like was negativity around me. When negativity was around me it was tough to be my typical free spirit! I would argue back rather than discuss and her emotions typically rubbed off on me. I allowed my emotional boundaries to be regularly violated. It was literally either her or me in my own life. We protect our emotional boundaries by not letting emotions, choices, or decisions we are against dictate our life.

Granted there will be times where we have no say in the matter, like if your husband decided it was time for an affair. However, even in that situation there are areas you can regulate your emotional boundaries! You can either forgive him and fix the marriage with the caveat that next time he’s out or part ways and love him from a far. Regardless, you have your boundaries toward what you will or won’t allow.

Making moves, choices, or decisions when it comes to emotional well being interacts with self-esteem in a big way. When you realize your emotional boundaries and how you enforce those boundaries there’s a good chance you may, even if you are sad, feel empowered. When you allow yourself to feel those feelings, your self-esteem should rise with it!

How About Physical Boundaries?

This one is touchy, get it? We are not talking about property lines here, although we actually are to an extent actually. Physical boundaries are your personal space. This is an area I can see easily how people respect me. I have a specific chair in my living room, and my dog is trained not to get on it. I let her for a while, but then I couldn’t take her trying to warn everyone in a 90 mile proximity that a leaf was blowing down the street. She wants to get on the chair, but all she does is look at me and get on the couch instead. My dog respects my physical boundaries.

There’s a saying that says (that reads interestingly to me) “home is where the heart is.” I love that saying, but I have my own, “home is where your peace is.” For a while I never wanted to be in my home. When I was, I was typically drunk to escape my environment (and apparently early trauma which is another story for another day). This happened with a few relationships, and even company. My kids ran amok and would never clean their mess, nor would the adults or their kids I was in a relationship with. My house was constantly nothing but chaos.

As I discussed when going over codependency, when physical boundaries are enforced, there will be uncomfortable situations. I gained a lot from the transition. My dog is happier and barks less, my kids help clean more. I thoroughly enjoy working from my home office now, although I do leave my house I look forward to coming back to it.

“My Body, My Choice”

When you receive respect, especially within your physical boundaries/personal space you feel a sense of respect. But what about your most intimate personal space, your body and it’s proximity. Look briefly at a rape victim, I have met many and I am one myself (females can rape too). When our personal space is violently intruded we feel a plethora of negative emotions and feelings. To say our self-esteem drops is a gross understatement.

One thing we should have absolute control of is our body. We shouldn’t even have absolute control of it, but it rather should be seen as sovereign. Of the three different types of boundaries, I ask almost, if not, all the time if they have seen a therapist or even considered it. Can you survive rape? Sure, you can have a full life but it’s one of those things you can’t pretend never happened. I feel rape or sexual assaults show the extreme importance of keeping your physical boundaries safe.

How Can We Make Sure Our Physical Boundaries Stay Safe?

Even More Ways Enforcing Boundaries Can Reward You

We have already covered a good amount. We have discussed self-esteem, the types of boundaries and their importance, as well as a slew of other topics. I feel like that guy from the old commercials when I say, “but wait, there’s more!” and oh boy, there are more ways that enforcing your boundaries can help you.

You Are You, Your Self-Worth Is Important!

Our self-worth is crucial to our health. I won’t go in depth on the topic yet, but I will in the future, however I do need to touch briefly on it. Our identity is comprised of too many factors to count in this article. Some of those we have already discussed being our value set as well as emotional make-up. This is where enforcing boundaries becomes very important.

There’s a character trait that I have seen in many people when it comes to boundaries; something I’ve called the “doormat syndrome”. This is when people are constantly walked all over and it is typically how people view themselves or others. With the “doormat syndrome” you’ll hear things like “oh, it’s only Jerry, he won’t care. Even if he does he won’t say anything about it.” Can you relate or have you said that about someone?

If you can relate to that, I bet you probably don’t feel very good afterward, right? Maybe you take offense to it, but at the end of the day is that who you are? Without enforcing your boundaries it is going to be seen as you being a pushover. This is where identity and boundaries gets tricky, how do we fix it?

We fix , set, and enforce out boundaries cautiously. Having overly rigid or gargantuan boundaries are not going to benefit you or anyone else. Take for instance a man who get cheated on by a rich Caucasian woman, would it make sense for him to take offense any time a rich Caucasian woman approached him? Of course not. Unreasonable boundaries can also be seen in racism, people of a certain color can’t approach you? That’s foolish.

This is not to say there is anything wrong with preference. However when we have reasonable boundaries we will, as I said earlier, see higher self esteem and not be viewed as a welcome mat. Sometimes setting boundaries will be tough, however I have great respect for people who enforce them when I try and break their boundaries, typically accidentally. If they explain how they feel with grace and upfrontness (yes I made that word up) I’ll admire their sense of self worth.

Enjoy the Peace!

I mentioned before I hate chaos. I may not have said it in those words, but I absolutely abhor chaos and confusion. I’m hard of hearing in an eye and my brain works “differently”. Even the smallest noise can throw me off track at times. ADHD is not any fun, but I deal with it perfectly fine. So how can we enjoy peace by enforcing boundaries?

We won’t feel guilt when we have to tell a coworker we can’t cover their shift. When we have a full day, we can say “maybe not, but I will let you know” so we can wind down quickly. Granted sometimes life will throw, well, life at us and that’s okay because everything passes. If it keeps coming back, we probably need to look at and adjust our boundaries again which is fine. Don’t forget about Ruth Graham’s tombstone!

Who REALLY Needs Boundaries?

I’ll make this easy, anyone who wants peace of mind and more tranquility in their life is going to need boundaries. Boundaries are a critical element for people in recovery, to this I speak with experience as a helper as well as someone in recovery. We typically, speaking to the addiction community, have poor or unhealthy boundaries – I surely did.

As I mentioned before, self worth and identity are awesome rewards for enforcing boundaries. Most addicts, in recovery or not, don’t have the best view of themselves. We stress over tomorrow and yesterday and if you think that sounds crappy, it really is. Enforcing healthy boundaries will allow that to increase although we like “normies” have to put the work in to get there. It is so absolutely doable though.

Regain Control!

When we have, set, and enforce healthy boundaries we are able to do really cool things. One of those is to regain control of our lives. It may seem like, and that is because it’s true, we really are out of control when we do not enforce healthy boundaries. Aside from getting figuratively stepped on, we also have to deal with other things. We are more prone to have people pour their hearts out to us when we are not mentally or emotionally able to comfort them.

Peace with healthy boundaries is also given in the form of reduction. We will typically argue a lot less when we have good boundaries. Why? Because we aren’t settling for that anymore and that’s okay. We are bringing us into relevance in our own lives!

What About You and Your Boundaries?

Take a few minutes and really think about what you need for boundaries in your life. I have to pay the bills and will plug the absolute success Lasting Change has had in helping people with minor or major boundary issues! Click here and grab it, especially if you think you need help with boundaries (that is one of my fortes). It’s a great course and you also get discounted coaching rates not available anywhere else! Grab it today because I haven’t decided how long it will remain at that price. As of now it looks like mid-September, however it really is about the help and not the profit and I absolutely believe in it that much.

Reflect on your boundary issues, or places where you could even be too rigid! If you have noticed a difference once you set boundaries let us know in the comments below!

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Welcome to the next chapter of the Boundaries Book! In our last segment we looked at 13 different examples to see if we have boundary issues. If you do, keep paying attention as this is the chapter we are going to take a good look at personal boundaries. We will cover all sort of great topics, such as a personal boundaries definition, the negative impact of personal boundaries, and my favorite – examples of good and poor personal boundaries! The third chapter already eh? Let’s keep trucking along!

This section will be a tad shorter than the rest of the Boundary Book articles. Although we can say personal boundaries are simply what you will or will not stand for, or allow, is the answer really that easy? Sure, it absolutely could be, however I think it goes further as that idea is really just the tip of the iceberg. Have you ever heard of anyone refer to our being and living or existence as “The Game of Life?” I have and it really fits here. I love how the University of Berkeley explained personal boundaries.

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.

Some smart person at the University of Berkeley

I hate not being able to cite properly and give credit where it’s due. That’s actually a personal boundary I set for myself, not taking what is not mine. I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit put that heavy on my heart, it is one of the 10 Commandments overall and in my past life I had no issue grabbing whatever I wanted! Not the best way to live at all. I digress.

The saying by the University of Berkeley in regard to personal boundaries brings to life, no pun intended, the Game of Life saying I mentioned before. A game has rules and limits. Another way we can describe limits is by using the word boundaries. Is it clicking yet? Now when we play a game, it’s not always full of fanfare and woohoo hoorahs right? Sometimes we really stink at it so we have to practice and get better at it. Personal boundaries are no different!

The 3 Different Types of Personal Boundaries

As I mentioned above these relate to a game, and as we have discussed in depth the importance of self talk we should view this as a game. By getting better at different levels, we will get a higher score. The fun here is enjoying the fact you are able to enjoy life more, with less resistance.So what are the 3 different personal boundaries? They are rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries.

The 3 Personal Boundary Types

As mentioned there are three types, you can think of them like Goldie Locks and the three bears. With that childhood story, there were three different personalities. Personal boundaries work the same way however instead of too hot, too cold, and just right we have rigid, porous, and healthy personal boundaries.

Rigid personal boundaries can appear to be very stand-off-like. This type of boundary has very few close and intimate relationships. The individual is also extremely unlikely to ask for help, even when they and everyone else knows they could use it. They typically seem to be detached from people and this is very telling in marriage or a long term relationship. Another sign is that they seem detached and may not realize it, but subconsciously have a fear of rejection.

Porous personal boundaries are almost the polar opposite in terms of relationships. This personal boundary type has no issue disclosing information to people, in fact as we saw in the last article of the Boundary Book they may typically overshare. With this border type you will find the individual is extremely dependent on other people’s opinions even for basic things, such as “what do you want to eat”. They can be found involved in everyone’s drama as well! This type of personal boundary can be seen as being extremely codependent as they have difficulty saying no and fear rejection if they do not act or think like they feel someone wants them to.

Finally, we have healthy personal boundaries type. This can be seen as the baby bear in the Goldie Locks story. They are able to say no without fear of rejection or ramifications. This personal boundaries type can also ask for help when needed without being over dependent on other people. You can also find that they have a decent amount of close relationships and typically only divulge personal information with those they are closest with. This personal boundaries type will also have no problem classifying people as acquaintances, colleagues, or intimate friends/significant others and interact with each group differently as far as conversations go.

Personal Boundaries Are Not a One Size Fits All Approach To Life – Welcome in Boundary Confusion

Boundary confusion sounds like it could be confusing when we are talking about personal boundaries, and it very well could be. Actually, boundary confusion is confusing and is something I feel goes along with enforcing healthy personal boundaries and relationship problems. In fact, I think I may have met maybe a handful of people who do not at least occasionally have a mixture of the three main personal boundary types!

Something I have found very interesting with the way we use words is, well how we use words. We place very little importance on word usage. For me, I have a boundary in my house (a rule) that I don’t want to hear music with swears in it. I catch myself swearing occasionally, and 9/10 times it’s from music and I have to correct myself. This rule only applies to my children, one because I rather visit than have company, and two most adults who do visit don’t typically ask if they can play music on my television. I don’t let my children swear, no I don’t wash their mouths out, but I have no say over other adults.

Realistically that could look like what I call boundary confusion. Different people are able to act or use things differently. It’s really not boundary confusion at all. Again, people who know me typically swear less out of respect for my wishes compared to my children who I am disciplining to be respectable adults. I’ll end the argument regarding swearing with my opinion – a foul mouth does not make you seem more intelligent nor does it make you more attractive.

Some people you will probably notice after looking at the descriptions of the types of personal boundaries will be a mix of rigid and porous personal boundaries. This is extremely common as we are not one-size-fits-all robots! Some people get by, but this is where a lot of relationship problems can be seen. I’m not versed enough in the “love languages” to say I buy it, but I think people are simply that, unique people. I can shower some people with gifts and others I absolutely love spending a day with them!

The issue in relationships I have seen is where two polar opposites collide. I’ve found this is typically when the relationship, in a romantic sense, starts based mainly on looks. Additionally, we find polar opposite personal boundaries clashing due to the massive increase in online dating! So what do we do? Where do we go? We start to either work on ourselves or the relationship! We specialize in that over here, helping to find a balance that is. Plus change is hard! Thank goodness for our lasting change course which you can get by clicking the button below!