Can You Save a Codependent Relationship? Maybe, Here are 10 Places to Start (Part One)

If you are in a storybook codependent relationship you may be asking a few different questions. Is this healthy? Can you save a codependent relationship (or can you save a codependent marriage) is another question you may ask, and that is the focus of this relationship. Can you save a codependent relationship? The answer differs in a few ways. A few things to factor in are past hurts from and outside the relationship, is it a trauma bond?

One thing, which I will bring up later due to it’s importance, is you may be comfortable where you are. That’s not to say it is safe, healthy, or joyful, but that you have a warped sense of security in the relationship you are in. Let’s start at the beginning in the following paragraph.

Can you save a codependent relationship? Yes, but is it worth it? Our course is EXTREMELY popular with people who want to try and save a codependent relationship! It breaks down questions you REALLY should be asking about the cause and effect and how to initiate actionable steps and goals.

Regardless, if you’re not happy the steps below could surely help. They may just open your eyes, however before you ask “can I save a codependent relationship” you need to decide if you are better with or without it. That’s a tough pill to swallow and you can surely reach out to us for a hand talking it out! Again there is a lot to consider when you are asking if you can save a codependent relationship.

10 Ways To Save A Codependent Relationship

Question Your Motives

If you are constantly, and only you will know, putting your partners or whoever’s needs before your own, you need to take a step back. You should be doing things out of love, however when it comes to being codependent we often neglect ourselves! Once you start doing a bit more for you, you should have a sense of empowerment. There’s a high chance you may feel guilty, or you “should take care of them” first. That’s codependency talking, don’t listen.

Can you save a codependent relationship? Sure but you have to put yourself into the equation also! We will look at 5 ways you can save a codependent relationship today, and another 5 ways in another post. Believe it or not, we can’t control other people and have it be a healthy relationship! Just like resentment, sometimes we involve other people but for the most part it is up to us to put the bulk of the work in.

How Are You?

In a relationship suffocating with codependency issues, you may know how your significant other, or the person you are codependent toward are feeling before realizing how you are. They may be in a mood, or they may be sad. Realizing how you feel is critical if you want to save a codependent relationship!

It is typical for over identifying with the feelings of your partner more than realizing your own. There’s a freedom in validating how you feel though! Feeling what they are feeling, not in an empathetic way, discounts you. For a healthy and striving relationship, you need balance. At times, especially if you want to save a codependent relationship, you need to be each other’s rock. The roles and times switch, and that’s healthy.

To fix a codependent relationship, I’ll say it again, you need to be in the relationship as an equal. Starting by understanding your own feelings is powerful and can help to save a codependent relationship.

Spend Some Quality Time With Yourself!

Many addicts are codependent, want to know a big reason why? Because we are addicts. Part of addiction is where we run from our pain through the use of narcotics, alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex, and so on. Once you put a substance down, you may develop patterns of escape which include using people as your escape route when things get rough.

It’s tough to sit with your feelings. Most of my alone time involves God. That’s not something I am willing to change, because I often reflect a ton during my time with Him! He’s also my rock and redeemer. In fact, He is helping me with my codependent traits! I’ve been in one relationship after the other since I was a kid. If I wasn’t in one, or at times even if I was, I would already be planning or entering my next one! During my struggles with addiction, I was fine with people just being there because I had my booze to comfort me.

I did not know myself. I knew what food I liked, but I never had it unless we went out to eat. I will tell you that spending quality time with yourself and God (or higher power if that’s how you refer to yours) alone is extremely beneficial. You get use to sitting with your thoughts and feelings. What’s tough about it, is that you have to focus on yourself first.

I’m not saying go and break up with whoever. I started staying alone because I said “hey this can save a codependent relationship, I may be in one.” I was! One after the other, after the other. And it wasn’t just with women I was sleeping with. My kids come first, and still do to an extent but I purposely put myself into things now. Which leads us to our next topic on how you can save a codependent relationship.

Can You Save a Codependent Relationship? You Can, But it Will be Bumpy at First

As I mentioned just above, I’ve been alone for a bit. I actually didn’t tell you, but I have been on my own desires. I am codependent, or was. Or still am but not as bad. Either way I’m better than I was. But in the beginning it was rough. My now ex would ask me what was up regularly. And I knew I wasn’t ready to move in to her new place with her yet, but she would push it constantly. Because she was also codependent!

It was uncomfortable hearing the question, because I didn’t want to hurt her. Which inevitably hurt her more, all I can say is I know better now. If you want to save a codependent relationship, you really have to get used to doing the uncomfortable. My uncomfortable was telling her not yet when I finally had my manhood drop and I said it. It really is a part of maturity by speaking truthfully as long as tact, time, and tone will allow (another conversation for another day). My uncomfortable came from telling my kids no means no! I had to face the uncomfortable to begin including myself.

Have you ever heard “I’m okay as long as you’re okay”? People who want to save a codependent relationship will regularly assume the worst, and fight like heck to avoid it! They put all of their effort into caring for their person. You probably won’t save a codependent relationship doing that, I didn’t. Why is this?

As humans we are, I call it, hardwired to avoid pain. Doesn’t it make sense you’d want to avoid pain or discomfort? The human experience is also made to have some discomfort and pain, that is how we grow. That’s an accepted view of Christianity that many miss and get turned off from the church or God. There’s an assumption because we are saved life will be roses and ice cream everywhere. Maybe, but roses have thorns and too much ice cream can cause diabetes.

In fact God does a fabulous job of helping us grow. Sometimes that is through pain and struggle. If you can sin and think you won’t have any ramification, I really pray God blesses you. Because He surely will discipline you! Why not? If you didn’t do as your parents say, part of my uncomfortable spot because it’s newish to me, you get punished. Either losing something or being forced to do something, an extra chore for example.

You can save a codependent relationship but if you really want to save that codependent relationship you better get ready for uneasiness. The good news, not that we have salvation and eternal life through Christ, is that the uneasy feelings pass. It may be awkward for a while, but stick in there. Keep watering yourself you growing flower you!

It’s Your Call, You Decide

Another common issue with being codependent is that we freeze when we have to chose. In a similar way with the concept of can you save a codependent relationship when it comes down to owning your feelings, you may also disown your needs and wants as the relationship goes on. This I have seen is the easiest area that we can work on when it comes to if we can save a codependent relationship or not by our changes behavior. Let’s take a really quick look at it.

We’ve already realized we have to matter, that can be tough. We need to operate alone, that can be tough (and uncomfortable!) at first. But if you really don’t like something, saying no should be easiest. We are talking about can you save a codependent relationship so I really had to italicize the word should – because even if we despise something or really don’t want to do something we may anyway. This is one of the easier starting points toward fixing you and your codependent relationship.

Could you voicing your opinion and deciding lead to arguments? Sure can, and it may lead to brief resentment (make sure it’s brief and work on that by reading this article and the corresponding series on how to handle resentments in a relationship). But we are trying to figure out the answer toward can you save a codependent relationship, you’re going to get push back. Embrace it and work through it.

Your decision could be saying yes or no to an invitation. You may want to miss it, but being a codependent person you will probably agree just to make them happy. Don’t do that, if you don’t want to start with no.

A Great Overview of What Causes Codependency (Center)

This video breaks down shame and codependency. I agree with a lot of what was said, and we seem to be on the same page. I’m personally not one for interviews but did watch this and feel it may be helpful for you! So can you save a codependent relationship? YES But you have to put the work in if the relationship deserves your time and effort.