Let’s Talk About Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships! 4 Steps With Examples!

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships – How Do We Do It?

We made it, the last segment of the Boundaries Book! This last segment is about setting healthy boundaries in relationships. It took a bit, but hey life happens right? We already know what healthy boundaries look like, how to tell if we have boundary issues, the downfall of having poor boundaries in intimate relationships, what boundaries are, why you want personal boundaries, and why we want and need healthy boundaries. That was a long sentence!

Before we dig in, as you’ve read so far you may relate to some examples or situations, but not others, right? There is no clear cut way when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. That’s the bad news however, there is good news too! Many of the ways we set healthy boundaries in a relationship either at work or in our most intimate relationships can be adjusted and fine tuned to your situation – regardless of what you are dealing with! Being said, setting healthy boundaries in relationships has a few key players or aspects to the concept of – well setting those boundaries. They are:

• Perseverance
• Desire
• Adjustment
• Enforcement

Keep that list in your mind, because we have a few steps to setting healthy boundaries in relationships; we surely will be adressing that list though!

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships – Step 1, Set But DON’T Forget!

We have heard it time and again that we can set and forget something. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships that is one of the last things we want to do! We want to set our boundaries with purpose. Actually, yeah it’s a plug, click here and grab your copy and you will see how useful our Lasting Change product is when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships! Again, the keyword so far in this paragraph has been purpose.

When we are setting boundaries, we have a reason for it. Although I have seen it where people literally try to place boundaries “just because” which accomplishes nothing from what I can see aside from attempting to show their dominance. Being said, when this occurs there are really some obvious signs that the individual most likely could have either a personality disorder of some type or severe identity and esteem issues. So when we are setting boundaries, we are doing it with purpose! Let’s take a quick peak at a quote that will help the idea toward the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a relationship really resonate.

You get what you tolerate

Henry Cloud drcloud.com

So let’s think about why we are setting these boundaries. Are you sick of getting hurt or feeling used? So we know why we are doing it, now we have to literally do it! Doing it is literally the first step. If you find that you have things you want to get done, office work or in this case setting healthy boundaries in a relationship, then maybe take a refresher and read this article on an awesome life coaching hack to stop procrastination dead in its tracks!

When Setting Healthy Boundaries In a Relationship We Need to Know the “Or Else”! Step 2

We live in a land with rules and laws to help people be treated to what the Constitution feels is fair and just. We have court houses who have judges and magistrates to hand out consequences when laws are infringed upon or broken. In your life, your boundaries are your laws and you are the sole judge. If you want people to respect you more, knowing that is crucial! How so you may be wondering? Well look at this compare/contrast example.

“Oh just grab Tom’s stapler, he won’t say anything. If he needs it he will probably just come and ask if we are done with it.”

“I wouldn’t just grab Tom’s stapler, he hates people touching his stuff. You’ll probably get written up if you take it without his permission. He’s a stickler about that stuff”

Although the second example shows people potentially talking down about Tom, there’s more than a subtle respect for what you can and can’t do with his things. The first example however shows that Tom is weak and can be pushed aside because there’s no consequence. This shows the benefit of having consequences when it comes to your boundaries you set.

When it comes to consequences with your boundaries there can be a fair amount of confusion, but this is important when setting healthy boundaries in a relationship. That relationship can look different for each aspect of your life too, which could complicate matters even more. When setting healthy boundaries in a relationship, we need consequences. These consequences don’t have to sound as perilous as the word makes it seem.

I’m working on, it will always be a work in progress, boundaries now and just stopped focusing on a relationship with someone over time. I’m actually proud of myself because I addressed what I expect within reason. I’ll continue this afterward. However, if I am dating or “talking” to someone as whipper snappers call it, I want their time. Due to past trauma and a bunch of crap I went through, I realized the importance of time from people.

Consequences Can Be Confusing When Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Let’s uncover another level of complication, what’s the consequence for rule breaking when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships? Just as setting healthy boundaries in relationships aren’t a one size fits all type of thing, neither are the consequences. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is just as unique as the consequences should be.

As I mentioned, I like time with people and this is a newer boundary I have set, rather consequence. My ex would go missing in action for days on end, and at one point early on I hadn’t seen her in over a month! If I am talking to someone now, I’d expect to see them at least once a week as we attempt to build something serious. So what would be a consequence if that didn’t happen? I’d move on and keep them at a level that’s not above friendship.

I don’t date my friends, but if I don’t see them in a few weeks it doesn’t bother me as much. When I’m dating or talking to someone though? That’s a whole other can of worms. Taking into account we are planning consequences as we are working on setting healthy boundaries in relationships, we have to consider what is reasonable and what is not.

I mentioned I don’t date my friends so I wouldn’t expect to see them versus people I am dating or talking to; I do however have consequences for time when it comes to friends also. If we make plans and 9 out of 10 times they bail or do not show up, or are obscenely late where it impacts the rest of my free time then there’s a consequence. “Hey do you want to hang out after blah or before blah” I would be more reserved and probably say “not this time”. I also use reservation as a time to address resentments I may have, another story for another time though. I digress.

So for a quick summary, time is important to me. Time needed is dictated differently on different levels of relationships. When you’re trying to get going with setting healthy boundaries in relationships, it’s not just okay to have different consequences for different people – it makes tons of sense to have them that way!

When Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Communication is (A) Key! Step 3

I’ve been accused of being and accused of expecting them to be mind readers. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships we need communication. Every relationship needs communications, but when we are talking about setting or reestablishing boundaries (that’s a thing too which we will see). We may see no wrong in something and think nothing of doing it or acting on it, however to someone else it could be monumental.

When we are setting healthy boundaries we need to communicate that. First, that we are setting healthy boundaries in that relationship, and what the consequences are. Do we have a right to ask someone why they set a particular boundary with someone? Most would say no, we have no right. I however firmly disagree. This is completely different than telling someone their boundaries are ridiculous.

When we are asking people a question, there are a few under discussed benefits to the questions granted they are respectful. One of them, is that we have the challenge and journey of getting to know someone a bit better. Another benefit to asking someone about their boundaries, especially if you view it as unreasonable, is maybe they are unaware that their boundary is unreasonable – and that shows they never took the Lasting Change course that you were wise enough to take!

There’s been dozens of times in my life where people asked me why I do or think particular things and I have learned greatly about myself during reflection from those questions! A second set of eyes is normally extremely beneficial, that’s why I love to life coach our clients!

Reestablishing Boundaries is As Important (When Needed) As Setting Healthy Boundaries In Relationships!

Reestablishing boundaries follow the same communication needs as setting healthy boundaries in relationships. I see this regularly with parents who want more respect from their children. I’ve heard along the lines of “I’ve told them when they were 5 they can’t just take without asking.” I typically ask two questions, one of which I can typically assume the answer two the other gives a great guide and is normally eye opening for the parent.

The first question I ask is if they inform their kids why at a level the child can understand. Giving a consequence or even just a reason that requires a teacher’s aide for the child to understand isn’t going to work. Looking back at the common problem above, the parent wants respect. This is totally acceptable and common sense. I’ve also heard the answer come out as “because I am the boss and I say so.” Most people do not respond well to authoritarian attitudes and rebellion is typically common.

The second question I ask is how many times they’ve tried setting healthy boundaries in relationships with their kids – like how often did you put that statement on the table? I’ve heard everything from constantly (which is up next) to “oh you know, I told him once when he was 5. Do you know he’s still touching my stuff without asking and he just got his Master’s degree?! (Oyyyyy)”.

Focusing on reestablishing setting healthy boundaries in relationships is important. This is especially true if you are going through rough patches! Think about people who argue about the same thing over and over again. If they want to improve their toxic relationship, wouldn’t it make sense to come up with a solution, either agreed upon for both or as a way one expects to be treated or spoken to? If old ways start happening regularly, reestblishing and again setting healthy boundaries in relationships has to happen.

For it to happen, there’s got to be communication. Let’s look at this example: “Babe, we agreed that we weren’t going to eat a bag of chips before dinner so we can enjoy a meal together and talk about our day. Here we are basically owning half of Lay’s again. Time together was our biggest issue and now neither of us is hungry for a meal at the same time. We need to get back to doing what we agreed upon or either I am no longer cooking for us or we take a break from each other.”

Using the chip example above, would it be fair to just shut the door on the relationship? No, especially if communication has been missing! Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is only going to work when the boundaries and consequences are known.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Means You Have To Put Up Or Shut Up – Step 4

This is typically the absolute hardest part of creating lasting change as well as setting healthy boundaries in relationships. The boundaries and the consequences have to be enforced. I wish I could say it, I can but will save your eyes, 50,000 times because this concept is just as important as any of the others. In fact, if you leave one step out, you’re not going to get anywhere.

Setting healthy boundaries in relationships can be uncomfortable. Setting consequences to when, because inevitably it will probably happen, they are broken is equally as important. Communicating those new or reestablished boundaries in the relationship are equally as important. We can nail all of those, but trust me – this is the toughest part. Enforcing those boundaries is by far the toughest aspect.

It’s tough because of how uncomfortable it is when the consequence has to roll out. Maybe you’ve been stuck here, with enforcing boundaries, and that makes sense. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say it’s okay – because it’s not and you have to know that. When you aren’t enforcing them, you’re not sticking to your own wants and desires.

This isn’t to say you have to be a stickler and slap knuckles with a ruler (unless you said that was a consequence). There is plenty of room for compassion when you are enforcing your boundaries or following up with them. There does, however, have to be some firmness here as well. Is it putting that toy away your child loves but they didn’t clean their room? Is it enjoying desert, but your family doesn’t because they didn’t do (whatever, probably eat those nasty lima beans)?

For me recently following up on my boundaries was tough. I had to break things off with an ex who I was supposed to marry. Recently, I stopped talking to someone I had interest in. I explained to the recent girl that I feel like responses were obligatory as I always reached out first. I don’t roll like that. I have no issue making time or reaching out, however I do have an issue when I take initiative all the time. Was it easy? Of course not, however I had to because otherwise the pattern would continue.

As far as explaining yourself, that is entirely up to you. She didn’t ask and she hasn’t reached out in about 2 weeks. Sure it stinks, I began liking her. But I’m not going to feel like a beggar because I know who I am. If I expected a text message or phone call every 5 minutes, that would be completely unreasonable. A simple hi at the beginning or end of the day would suffice and now I’m like that with everyone.

Even though the enforcement may be tough, it helped me feel a greater sense of who I am and what I deserve. In the end, setting healthy boundaries in relationships ended up being one of the best changes I made aside from returning to follow Christ and becoming sober. Enforcement is a key part of establishing and setting healthy boundaries in a relationship.

Almost Done With Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships….. But What About That List?

I am glad you remembered! You may not have because this is surely a longer article, but it’s important! Here is the list I mentioned after the first paragraph:

• Perseverance
• Desire
• Realization
• Adjustment
• Enforcement

So let’s break this list down and see how it ties in to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. First, perseverance. Rome was not built in a single day, right? If you are setting healthy boundaries in a relationship that just started or are reestablishing those boundaries you need to stick with it. It may get tough because nobody said that setting healthy boundaries in relationships was easy, but is it worth it? Only you can know (and we are here to talk if need be!)

Desire is up next. Think about why you want to set healthy boundaries in relationships. Do you have an idea of what it will start or stop? Do you have milestone or benchmarks you can follow? There’s a famous saying that we “need to know our why” and it hold true to reestablishing or setting healthy boundaries in relationships! (Hint: Just because isn’t typically a good answer)

Adjustment is an important topic when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. This is because sometimes we may act, assume, or want something out of an elevated or depressed emotional state. Sometimes our boundaries may be too tough, not tough enough, or completely unreasonable. When adjusting, remember – communicate, communicate, communicate!

Enforcement was the last step we covered. If you forgot that already you either blindly read through this article, which I do appreciate you reading regardless, or have some major memory issues. Either way it’s fine as long as you got something out of it!

You’ve Made It!

8 chapters and probably around 30,000 (literally) words later we made it to the end. It was brought me a lot of joy writing this, it was fun. I pray (because I’m a Christian Life Coach so that’s what I do, either openly with clients or in quiet – integration is great!) this segment of articles blessed you!

If you’ve found that “wow, I really need better boundaries” in my life or “I never realized how important it was in setting healthy boundaries in relationships” or even realized “I think I need help setting healthy boundaries in relationships because I have none!” I highly encourage you to take the course, Lasting Change, by clicking the banner below! It’s the same process I regularly use and will be updated with examples and case studies throughout the year – and you get each update for free before we begin to sell them individually!