With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Look Like… 18 Examples!

So far we have seen that with healthy boundaries relationships are the exact opposite of codependent tendencies. We have seen this all throughout the Boundaries Book pretty much in each of the preceding articles/chapters. This article is going to show a bit more of what, how, and with healthy boundaries relationships should look. Know what that means? We are going example heavy, because how else could we see the picture healthy boundaries relationships paints? Let’s get cracking! We will have a yes and a no for each topic.

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Have More Respect

Yeah, you read that right! There is more respect in them. Now is that going to come immediately? If the relationship in question is established already, we will be teaching old dogs new tricks – that goes for all involved including yourself. You’ll be giving acceptable respect, and you will be expecting respect! Let’s see how healthy boundaries in relationships look:

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, I wanted chicken, I’m not eating this crap.” “I’m sorry Billy Bubblebutt, I’ll make your dino chickie nuggies instead of this filet minon right away!”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, make my nuggets NOW! I’m not eating this steak!” “You’re going to eat what I made, I told you I was making this when you asked 5 times after school. Also, you do NOT talk to me like that you’re grounded for 3 days. You’re not watching ballerinas in pajamas this weekend Billy.”

Do you see how mom takes control in the first verses the second example?

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Share the Blame

As codependents, we have a tendency to take blame for things that aren’t our faults and a large chunk of the time do not even involve us. With healthy boundaries relationships blame allows you to accept when you made a mistake, but not force the issue to convict you. Other times, especially if this has been the way the relationship has gone, your partner may blame you when it isn’t your fault!

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I’m sorry you missed the ball champ, I should have held it in front of you so you could hit it when you were done staring at the bird flying.”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I can’t swing the bat for you, if it’s too fast let me know that. I’m not a mind reader buddy, nice swing though!”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “You made me crack the omelette, you gave me the wrong spatula. Breakfast is ruined.” “I’m sorry, let me have the place down the street deliver.”

Yes “The omelette is messed up, you gave me the wrong spatula. How are you going to fix this?” “It’s ruined because it was supposed to be flipped. You have the stuff out, toss that one in the trash and make another one, just flip it when it’s firm**”
** I’m a life coach not a chef, and I have admittedly never attempted to make an omelette, it should have been flipped whenever you omelette makers normally flip or fold it..

With Healthy Boundaries Relationships, You Can Say No Simply Because

When it comes to people pleasing and codependency, this one word can give us significant feelings of guilt, shame, and an overall sense we are letting people down. The most prevalent places I have seen this are at home and in the workplace. With codependency we are saving or being saved, with people pleasing we have to support and uplift them. With healthy boundaries relationships still allow for this, but not in the typical absolute sense of need we typically put on it. Even if it is going to impact us negatively, we HAVE to help!

With healthy boundaries relationships allow us to say no. If our plate is full, saying no could let people down – especially if they are used to us helping them. Especially when we begin inserting boundaries in relationships, this is the make or break point typically. We will either see progress or we won’t. With this one we are taking a more serious tone with our examples because this is a crucial area for change and improving your people pleasing and codependency tendencies.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Joe what are you doing this weekend?” “Not much just hanging out at home probably. Michelle was saying the other night even though we live together we basically only text because we don’t see each other.” “Aww come on guy, it will be a blast. I’m not taking no for an answer!” “I told her I would help paint the living room though.” “Joe, you’re coming out this weekend and catching trout – just text her and tell her something came up”

With healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Hey Joe let’s go out this weekend, party Friday and Saturday, we can recover Sunday!” “Hey Man, I appreciate the invite but I think I am going to stay in and spend a little time with Michelle I haven’t seen her all week.” “Dude, trout fishing. She will get it, you guys live together anyway!” “I really can’t, what are you doing next Saturday?” “Yes you can, I’m free every weekend for the next month I think.” “Alright I will, just not this weekend. Thanks again for the invite, send me some shots of what I miss if you catch anything this time.”

Do you see how that works? If you went with Joe’s example of not having boundaries he would probably be in turmoil because sure he wants to hangout with his friend however he promised time to his wife. If he went because, let’s say his name was Tom, was badgering him he would let Michelle down. What this would do, especially since the unhealthy boundaries showed him acting in a people pleasing way. He would start stressing most likely over how Michelle would handle it, he would instantly have resentments toward himself. His mental health would take a hit over unnecessary stress.

Let’s look at an example in terms of someone in recovery. Typically if you are strong in recovery, the following situation wouldn’t bother you too much. There’s an important saying that people brush off and they really shouldn’t, that if you hang around the barber enough you’re going to get a hair cut.

Without healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Tommy, want to come to a wedding and reception with me? It’s open bar and the party is going to be insane. I’m only doing the toast and a few drinks.” “Thanks for the offer Danielle, sounds like it will be fun. I’ve been trying to hang with you for a while but I can’t drink. I’m 3 months sober and when I’m around booze I get weak. Can’t say no, ya know?” “Come on dude, just don’t drink. I’ll make it worth your while after!” “I can’t, next time when there isn’t alcohol flowing maybe.” “You’re weak, if you can’t come with me forget it I don’t need a weak guy.” “Fine.”

Tommy went and was good for a while! He let her guilt him into it, and Tommy ended up getting a DUI charge afterward. Danielle didn’t want a guy who couldn’t drive so he got dumped anyway. Will that happen all the time? Of course not! But at 3 months, he knew his boundaries and tried to stick with them. He gave in and not only lost his clean time but also but his freedom.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Tommy, you should come to a wedding with me!” “Just the wedding or the reception too?” “Both, free booze and we could end up having a better night than the bride and groom.” “I’ll do the wedding but I don’t want to be around booze flowing like the Nile. I just got sober and don’t think it would be a good idea.” “Can’t you just have one shot with me or stay away from the bar?”

“I might be able to stay away from the bar, but one shot would be too many and 100 wouldn’t be enough you know?” “Well you’ve been bugging me to come, man up and let lose one night won’t kill you!” “May not kill me but I’ve worked hard to get here. Either another time or just forget it, I can’t be around that.” “Good for you bro, I like to drink and have fun so maybe we aren’t that compatible anyway.”

Tommy was dying to get with Danielle, but he knew his sobriety was more important. Even outside the recovery realm, sometimes we just can’t put ourselves in places that bug us. Tommy didn’t regret his decision, at first he was down but he felt empowered by finally being able to say no. With healthy boundaries relationships can have empowerment flowing freely, just like the open bar above. Empowerment does amazing things for your self esteem!

As I mentioned before, there are a few pain points that people feel in common situations. Without healthy boundaries relationships such as intimate and employee/employer related situations. Let’s focus on those, and although the mom/child situation above could be seen as intimate, let’s look more at an example with the ability to say no for healthy boundaries in relationships where it’s more of a significant other view shall we?

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to borrow your apartment for a visit!” “For what and why?” “DCF, just say I’ve lived there for a while and I’m clean and we are good.” “Are you crazy? I don’t want DCF in my house!!” “If you love me you will, just have your kids go to your mom’s or something.” “Ugh whatever.”

Little did he know that having been involved in an investigation would follow him. For whatever unreasonable reason people investigated by DCF typically have a bad following. He didn’t get custody of his 12 month old daughter because against his better judgement he let his girlfriend have the visit at his house and she dropped an empty heroin baggie from her purse accidentally in front of the worker.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to have a meeting at your place, DCF is on my case for a meeting over me neglecting Jasiel!” “Shannon, no way I can’t I’m going through a custody case for Conrad, if stuff goes south I’m screwed.” “

If you love me you will!” “Listen, I love you but I am not jeopardizing my sons. Plus I don’t want to be tied up in that, I can support you and say you’re doing good but you said last week you were sick and I know what that means. I get it, trust me I do. But for our safety, I can’t!” “Come on!” “Dude, my cousin works for the court system and told me whatever I do not to get caught up in their investigations. NO.” “Whatever, screw me over like that I knew you didn’t love me! I should have just stayed with Alex he would let me.”

“I said no, I do a lot for you. This is just something I can’t do, plus after you got out of detox and into the sober house we talked boundaries. I do feel bad for you, but if you’re just going to constantly bring me down maybe this isn’t going to work anyway.”

The scenario above is similar to something I helped coach someone through. He came to us because he was tired of getting used used in his romantic relationships and typical of codependent behaviors would put them before anything else. He unfortunately did have to end his relationship and, after advising him, did seek therapy too. He is thriving now and will be the first to tell you that standing your ground is tough but sometimes you need to for yourself. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for your decision to stand.

Last but not least, we arrive at work. Although we have an idea of what it looks like when relationships allow for healthy boundaries by saying no, work is a toughie. Some people are workaholics, and not because they necessarily love their job but because they feel obligated and needed. At times, they may be needed. When I left my position at Vitamin World, the store was closed a few months later and prior to me being employed it was set to be closed 3 months prior. I’m a great manager and I know that, I just prefer coaching versus managing.

Let’s look at an example from something I have helped coach a few people through, the situation is similar in each of their experiences. Here’s the scenario:

Jane is middle management and works for an hourly wage. She’s a mom of 2, an 11 year old and 5 year old. The 11 year old is constantly trying to get her to watch his games. Although she is divorced she has someone she is dating. She has been employed by the same company for 12 years and although is paid hourly, makes roughly $65,000 per year by herself.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane, I know you have next week off but we need your help with this. Is there anyway you can zoom in to a few meetings to help the team understand it better?”

[Important note – She has done this for years before and is never compensated for her extra work. Fun fact, even voluntarily – this violates labor law. Someone performing work for a company regardless of whether it is allowed or not is to be compensated. More of an important note, I have a BS (funny, I know) in Legal Studies however AM NOT a practicing paralegal or lawyer.]

“The company doesn’t allow for overtime and when I wrap up today I will be at 39:50.” “You’ve never asked for overtime, we could work something out maybe an early day or two to equal whatever you do at the meetings.” “Fine.”

Although she didn’t work everyday, she promised her 11 year old she would watch the game. She stayed in her car for most of the game for a meeting, and when she was by the field she was responding to text messages. “Did you see my home run?!” “Yes!” “I didn’t hit one, at least you came to the field, but I get it work is important because you need money to pay the bills.”

Even if she was getting paid, which was never guaranteed and she was using vacation time, we can see when we don’t have healthy boundaries relationships, regardless of where, will eventually spill in to other relationships. She let her son down, her unhealthy relationship has her mismanaging her most important role – her family.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane I know you’re off next week, but we need you to cover the Tuesday evening meeting. John’s on vacation and I don’t think Elliot is prepared yet, still learning the ropes you know?” “Ted, I’m on vacation too. I promised my son I’d watch his game and I want to watch his game, I’ve had this vacation planned for months now. I’m sorry I can’t.”

“Don’t you like the job?” “I do, but I love my family more. I’ll do what I can to help you guys set everything up for Elliot, but maybe ask John if he can give an hour or two from his vacation instead if that doesn’t work for you?” “But you always gave us extra help without asking” “I know, however I have been neglecting family time and probably gave this company a solid few months of unpaid help, I need this time for me.”

The clients I mentioned that had gone through the above situation or similar all showed codependent traits. It’s tough to say no, and as we had seen in other articles on this site about codependent behavior, badgering to say yes is often used. Typically, without healthy boundaries relationships with people we are close to make it tough to say no!

What’s interesting is we can in each example above see a codependent relation. There’s a giver and a taker. Codependency will always be difficult to manage if we don’t stick to our guns. There’s a book that I feel shows codependency better than any other. It’s called “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” and I highly recommend reading it and going over it with your children!

*note – If you click the book, and we would appreciate it, we may get compensation if you purchase it. We suggest this book being in your library especially if you struggle with codependent relationships as you can surely see the course of the giver and receiver.

What About Technology?

Social media has been impacting people’s lives. There’s surely a case for this, and the examples that follow are what I have heard and seen. Tpically I coach through these issues during relationship coaching. Additionally, I wrote a paper on the addictive qualities of technology during adolescence. The struggle is real. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for you to use or enjoy social media and technology! Let’s look at they it looks like when we combine both healthy boundaries and relationships.

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her page!” “Sorry there was a reason I was there!”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her time line, I’m the only woman you need to look at.” “A bit controlling, but I’m on here to share something.”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Oh my gosh put your phone down.” “But I might miss a notification!”

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Do you really need to stay on your phone?” “You know what, no, I can respond later.”

Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – Both people on their phone while at a restaurant together.

With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey let’s put our phones away and enjoy each other’s company.”