That’s a really great question, “is life coaching worth it?” You will get YOUR clear answer in this article. The answer is yes, no, and maybe and that is as honest an answer as anyone could ever give or receive in regards to that question. Looking at the question again, is life coaching worth it we need to put quotations around the “it” aspect of the query. Why do we need to do that? Because the “it” opens doors to more than one viewpoint, what it are we talking about? Again, we are going to fully answer that question throughout this article.
Is life Coaching Worth It? No…
Let Me Tell You Yesterday (This is Not When You Want to Hire A Life Coach)
Is life coaching worth it? Let’s imagine the it being you interested in hiring a life coach to talk about your past. I would say without a doubt normally it is not worth it. There is only so much a life coach can do when it comes to discussing your past, because they are not equipped (normally) to do that!
If you want to hire a life coach, you should do so when you are trying to move forward. As I mentioned in our “Life Coaching” article that really breaks down what life coaching is I mentioned we help in a forward moving sense. Life coaches are not therapists. Therapists, albeit some life coaches, do have the proper training and education to help you.
Is it Worth it to Hire a Life Coach to Tell Me What To Do?
Negative, this is where you want a consultant. Personally I mix the two together very effectively, I was a consultant/advisor and I am also a pretty highly sought after Christian life coach. A consultant or advisor are brought in to literally do that. A coach, life coach or mindset coach, mainly bring the best out of you. I personally feel a sense of obligation to make more recommendations that the average coach, but I cannot tell you how to completely live your life. No life coach or even consultant can do that! Just like there is a difference between life coaches and therapists, consulting and life coaching are also different creatures.
Part of the beauty of coaching is the empowerment you get. A lot of the ideas and goals that, or at least should, come out of a coaching session come from you. I’ve seen too many times to count where ther coachee (that’s you) mentions something after my probing that is monumental for them. There’s a few reasons for this empowerment also:
Sometimes coachees aren’t as open with us as they should be. We don’t walk in your shoes, we can’t fully understand the impact a decision would have on you! The probing questions bring up things you may not normally have considered
All of these shine light toward the importance of coaching versus consulting or telling you what to do.
Is Life Coaching Worth It? Maybe….
What does the word maybe have in it (it being the word itself)? That’s an important question to ask yourself when pondering the question of is life coaching worth it. If you are completely unsure where you want to go, is hiring a life coach worth it starts to shift toward a no. If you are stuck between maybe 4 different avenues, then is hiring a life coach worth it shoots up to an easy yes.
The maybe answer comes to that question, is life coaching worth it with another dilemma. Are you willing to put in the work of make changes. If that answer is a maybe, then maybe is life coaching worth it becomes a nope again. If your willingness hinges on the scope of the actions or changes your really need to consider how much this change is worth to you. If it’s worth a lot, then absolutely will “is life coaching worth it” become a resounding yes.
Is Life Coaching Worth It? Absolutely YES!
Is Life Coaching Worth It? The Final Answer Before You Hire a Life Coach.
Is hiring a life coach worth it? Is life coaching worth it? Yes, it absolutely is if…..
You want more than “what do I do next” (and if you don’t you have to find out if the individual is the right one before you hire a life coach. As I said above, some life coaches like myself can mix advising and coaching. Most unfortunately do not have the experience to do that.
Is life coaching worth it becomes a heck yes if you are willing to follow through on your plan. If you’re not, you need to consider your motivation and whether or not your desire to hire a life coach is basically an impulse you’re feeling.
If you are ready for change and want more than a motivational speaker the answer to “is life coaching worth it” is a slam dunk yes. This is where most coaches shine! If you want to change and are excited or even anxious about it than you surely would want to hire a life coach. Motivational speeches or speaking could be part of the sessions, but that is more along the lines of an accountability partner. Coaches will do their best to pep you up and encourage you, but motivational speaking is left normally for the coaches who literally do that.
In the end, “is life coaching worth it?” is a question that only you have an answer to. Don’t forget, aside from life coaches there are other coaches too! Read about the many different types of coaches over here. If you have any other questions before you go and hire a life coach feel free to list them below and we will be sure to answer you!
In our page on Life Coaching we (very) briefly covered types of coaches. This list is going to give you a working overview of the many different types of coaches and what they do! Without further delay, and hopefully no digressing, let’s cover the main one’s! Read this as a type of definition list, like if you were looking for a type of coach
Life Coach: A life coach is a really general term. These types of coaches could cover one area of your life, work with other types of coaches, or even could work concurrently with a therapist. A typical issue people come to life coaches with is the feeling that they are “stuck” in life or that they feel they should be getting more out of life.
Mindset Coach: This is another of the various types of coaches out there. A mindset coach will help you with mindset based topics. Maybe you are a pessimist and want to think more clearly and positively. A mindset coach would be the type of coach you would go and look for.
Team Coaching: These types of coaches sound like they would be involved in the sports world, and that’s partially true – they could be. Team coaches are types of coaches that work with many different members, or all members depending on the scope of their project, in the goal of team development. This could be helping to foster better relationships between teams, working on having teams improve productivity, and the list is really just large. I did this type of coaching a few times and it can be very rewarding.
Leadership Coach: There is a plethora of topics that a leadership coach could be beneficial in. Either working on the leader or executive improve their communication and delegation abilities or other leadership tasks, a leadership coach can be very useful. Not to be confused with an executive coach who mainly works with an executive, leadership coaches help to instill and develop leadership qualities in their client.
Mentor: Where life coaches focus on plans, skill development, and action mentors provide a wealth of knowledge and wisdom when it comes to
Keep reading on to see what types of coaches there are.
Career Coach: Preparing for a particular career, switching careers, or looking to progress in your career is when a career coach would be most beneficial. In addition to this, a career coach can help you develop a trajectory plan, help with interviewing, educational opportunities, and similar work and career topics.
Personal coach: Sounds life it could be a life coach, and at times a life coach will be a personal coach. I am rarely open to the idea of personal coaching because of the amount of time you dedicate to one customer. Many rich and famous people will have a personal coach, they help with decisions and sometimes act as a companion!
Relationship coach: A relationship coach will help navigate the difficulties many find in relationships. What’s interesting is that this is not relegated simply to romantic relationships. Although relationship coaches are typical in intimate settings, I have actually worked with a few sets of tenants a landlord loved but did not love each other.
Family coach: Family issues can hurt the family relationship. A Family coach specializes in helping the family unit work cohesively to reach individual and family goals!
Health and wellness coach: I was researching a family members career path many years ago and found this type of coach. These types of coaches are similar to life coaches, and for that matter psychologists as well. They work to help improve your health through diet and behavioral changes. These types of coaches are rather all encompassing when it comes to your health and well being as life coaches are to your life.
Fitness coach: Fitness coaches specialize in helping you achieve your fitness related goals. These are basically personal trainers. This is one field where you would want to check and see if the coach has a certification.
Mental health coach: This is NOT to be confused with or replace certified medical care! I have done this from time to time. A mental health coach is someone who works to improve the mental well being of their client. This is not therapy at all. Although therapeutic tools and techniques are used, such as cognitive behavioral therapy strategies, these types of coaches do not focus on treating the client but rather helping them improve in general. I take great joy in this type of work and do hold a certificate specifically for this type of coaching that I keep up to date.
Spiritual coach: These types of coaches work on getting you closer to a higher power, whatever you consider that higher power. Rarely will I personally engage in these sessions however I do know other of these types of coaches I may recommend someone talk with. A typical topic you will find with spiritual coaches is a “spiritual journey”.
Christian Coach: Also known as a Christian Life Coach are different from Spiritual coaches. This type of coach works in a similar manner as a spiritual coach, however have a focus on Jesus Christ. I am a Christian Life Coach, I am not a Spiritual coach as I mentioned previously. What I do, is I help fellow Christians (most denominations) improve their walk with Christ. This is some of the absolute most fulfilling sessions I have as I get to pray and go over Scripture if fellow believers request that type of session!
Business coach: These types of coaches are known in the business world. Typically someone who is retired in the industry or who has an MBA from a University will be a business coach. Business coaches typically help their client with a wide range of business related topics. They could help develop strategies, improve leadership skills, etc. I personally do eCommerce coaching as I have ran successful websites for ages.
Finance coach: Financial Coaches are becoming very popular. I believe one of the best and most famous financial coaches is Dave Ramsey. The guy is a financial whiz and I have used some of his strategies personally. These types of coaches can help with anything from debt to budgeting, to saving for specific events.
Sales coach: Not to be confused with a business coach, these types of coaches focus solely on sales. It could be uncovering where sales issues arise from or even implementing new strategies to increase sales to new or existing services or products.
Vocal coach: I’m putting this for my son. When I sing, my “tra la la’s” sound more like a “even God puts earplugs in”. I would want to look into a vocal coach, they help you with pitch, tone, and singing in general. The Voice contestants have really made this field popular.
Sport specific coach: I coach first base currently for the Dighton 12U Fall Ball Team. During a recent game I witnessed a child throwing no less than 80 miles per hour. It turns out his parents spend a ton on a pitching coach for their son. A sport specific coach will work to help your child, or you, in various aspects of different sports.
Transition coach: Whether we are preparing to transition from one career to another (although you can also use a career coach for this) or are preparing for retirement, a transition coach can be useful. Depending on the transition as well as the coach’s experience in that particular field a mentor could be beneficial as well.
Launching coach: I’m on of few launching coaches and to be honest, there should be a lot more of us. We help parents properly launch their children from catapults…. or rather into adulthood. Finances, social life, and wisdom are given to teens who are reaching adulthood and launching coaches are the ones who do it. A few of the massive topics covered are boundaries, responsibility, and planning. These are typically done with a minimum 4 sessions but typically 6 to 8. There are a lot of “what if” hypothetical scenarios that go into the session work.
Before we dig in, as you’ve read so far you may relate to some examples or situations, but not others, right? There is no clear cut way when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. That’s the bad news however, there is good news too! Many of the ways we set healthy boundaries in a relationship either at work or in our most intimate relationships can be adjusted and fine tuned to your situation – regardless of what you are dealing with! Being said, setting healthy boundaries in relationships has a few key players or aspects to the concept of – well setting those boundaries. They are:
Perseverance
Desire
Adjustment
Enforcement
When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships, we have to consider if the cat needs to stay outside of the fence, or can it come in?
Keep that list in your mind, because we have a few steps to setting healthy boundaries in relationships; we surely will be adressing that list though!
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships – Step 1, Set But DON’T Forget!
We have heard it time and again that we can set and forget something. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships that is one of the last things we want to do! We want to set our boundaries with purpose. Actually, yeah it’s a plug, click here and grab your copy and you will see how useful our Lasting Change product is when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships! Again, the keyword so far in this paragraph has been purpose.
When we are setting boundaries, we have a reason for it. Although I have seen it where people literally try to place boundaries “just because” which accomplishes nothing from what I can see aside from attempting to show their dominance. Being said, when this occurs there are really some obvious signs that the individual most likely could have either a personality disorder of some type or severe identity and esteem issues. So when we are setting boundaries, we are doing it with purpose! Let’s take a quick peak at a quote that will help the idea toward the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a relationship really resonate.
So let’s think about why we are setting these boundaries. Are you sick of getting hurt or feeling used? So we know why we are doing it, now we have to literally do it! Doing it is literally the first step. If you find that you have things you want to get done, office work or in this case setting healthy boundaries in a relationship, then maybe take a refresher and read this article on an awesome life coaching hack to stop procrastination dead in its tracks!
When Setting Healthy Boundaries In a Relationship We Need to Know the “Or Else”! Step 2
We live in a land with rules and laws to help people be treated to what the Constitution feels is fair and just. We have court houses who have judges and magistrates to hand out consequences when laws are infringed upon or broken. In your life, your boundaries are your laws and you are the sole judge. If you want people to respect you more, knowing that is crucial! How so you may be wondering? Well look at this compare/contrast example.
“Oh just grab Tom’s stapler, he won’t say anything. If he needs it he will probably just come and ask if we are done with it.”
“I wouldn’t just grab Tom’s stapler, he hates people touching his stuff. You’ll probably get written up if you take it without his permission. He’s a stickler about that stuff”
Although the second example shows people potentially talking down about Tom, there’s more than a subtle respect for what you can and can’t do with his things. The first example however shows that Tom is weak and can be pushed aside because there’s no consequence. This shows the benefit of having consequences when it comes to your boundaries you set.
When it comes to consequences with your boundaries there can be a fair amount of confusion, but this is important when setting healthy boundaries in a relationship. That relationship can look different for each aspect of your life too, which could complicate matters even more. When setting healthy boundaries in a relationship, we need consequences. These consequences don’t have to sound as perilous as the word makes it seem.
I’m working on, it will always be a work in progress, boundaries now and just stopped focusing on a relationship with someone over time. I’m actually proud of myself because I addressed what I expect within reason. I’ll continue this afterward. However, if I am dating or “talking” to someone as whipper snappers call it, I want their time. Due to past trauma and a bunch of crap I went through, I realized the importance of time from people.
Consequences Can Be Confusing When Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
Let’s uncover another level of complication, what’s the consequence for rule breaking when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships? Just as setting healthy boundaries in relationships aren’t a one size fits all type of thing, neither are the consequences. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is just as unique as the consequences should be.
As I mentioned, I like time with people and this is a newer boundary I have set, rather consequence. My ex would go missing in action for days on end, and at one point early on I hadn’t seen her in over a month! If I am talking to someone now, I’d expect to see them at least once a week as we attempt to build something serious. So what would be a consequence if that didn’t happen? I’d move on and keep them at a level that’s not above friendship.
I don’t date my friends, but if I don’t see them in a few weeks it doesn’t bother me as much. When I’m dating or talking to someone though? That’s a whole other can of worms. Taking into account we are planning consequences as we are working on setting healthy boundaries in relationships, we have to consider what is reasonable and what is not.
I mentioned I don’t date my friends so I wouldn’t expect to see them versus people I am dating or talking to; I do however have consequences for time when it comes to friends also. If we make plans and 9 out of 10 times they bail or do not show up, or are obscenely late where it impacts the rest of my free time then there’s a consequence. “Hey do you want to hang out after blah or before blah” I would be more reserved and probably say “not this time”. I also use reservation as a time to address resentments I may have, another story for another time though. I digress.
So for a quick summary, time is important to me. Time needed is dictated differently on different levels of relationships. When you’re trying to get going with setting healthy boundaries in relationships, it’s not just okay to have different consequences for different people – it makes tons of sense to have them that way!
When Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Communication is (A) Key! Step 3
I’ve been accused of being and accused of expecting them to be mind readers. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships we need communication. Every relationship needs communications, but when we are talking about setting or reestablishing boundaries (that’s a thing too which we will see). We may see no wrong in something and think nothing of doing it or acting on it, however to someone else it could be monumental.
When we are setting healthy boundaries we need to communicate that. First, that we are setting healthy boundaries in that relationship, and what the consequences are. Do we have a right to ask someone why they set a particular boundary with someone? Most would say no, we have no right. I however firmly disagree. This is completely different than telling someone their boundaries are ridiculous.
When we are asking people a question, there are a few under discussed benefits to the questions granted they are respectful. One of them, is that we have the challenge and journey of getting to know someone a bit better. Another benefit to asking someone about their boundaries, especially if you view it as unreasonable, is maybe they are unaware that their boundary is unreasonable – and that shows they never took the Lasting Change course that you were wise enough to take!
There’s been dozens of times in my life where people asked me why I do or think particular things and I have learned greatly about myself during reflection from those questions! A second set of eyes is normally extremely beneficial, that’s why I love to life coach our clients!
Reestablishing Boundaries is As Important (When Needed) As Setting Healthy Boundaries In Relationships!
Reestablishing boundaries follow the same communication needs as setting healthy boundaries in relationships. I see this regularly with parents who want more respect from their children. I’ve heard along the lines of “I’ve told them when they were 5 they can’t just take without asking.” I typically ask two questions, one of which I can typically assume the answer two the other gives a great guide and is normally eye opening for the parent.
The first question I ask is if they inform their kids why at a level the child can understand. Giving a consequence or even just a reason that requires a teacher’s aide for the child to understand isn’t going to work. Looking back at the common problem above, the parent wants respect. This is totally acceptable and common sense. I’ve also heard the answer come out as “because I am the boss and I say so.” Most people do not respond well to authoritarian attitudes and rebellion is typically common.
The second question I ask is how many times they’ve tried setting healthy boundaries in relationships with their kids – like how often did you put that statement on the table? I’ve heard everything from constantly (which is up next) to “oh you know, I told him once when he was 5. Do you know he’s still touching my stuff without asking and he just got his Master’s degree?! (Oyyyyy)”.
Focusing on reestablishing setting healthy boundaries in relationships is important. This is especially true if you are going through rough patches! Think about people who argue about the same thing over and over again. If they want to improve their toxic relationship, wouldn’t it make sense to come up with a solution, either agreed upon for both or as a way one expects to be treated or spoken to? If old ways start happening regularly, reestblishing and again setting healthy boundaries in relationships has to happen.
For it to happen, there’s got to be communication. Let’s look at this example: “Babe, we agreed that we weren’t going to eat a bag of chips before dinner so we can enjoy a meal together and talk about our day. Here we are basically owning half of Lay’s again. Time together was our biggest issue and now neither of us is hungry for a meal at the same time. We need to get back to doing what we agreed upon or either I am no longer cooking for us or we take a break from each other.”
Using the chip example above, would it be fair to just shut the door on the relationship? No, especially if communication has been missing! Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is only going to work when the boundaries and consequences are known.
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Means You Have To Put Up Or Shut Up – Step 4
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships means you have to enforce the rules and drop that gavel….
This is typically the absolute hardest part of creating lasting change as well as setting healthy boundaries in relationships. The boundaries and the consequences have to be enforced. I wish I could say it, I can but will save your eyes, 50,000 times because this concept is just as important as any of the others. In fact, if you leave one step out, you’re not going to get anywhere.
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships can be uncomfortable. Setting consequences to when, because inevitably it will probably happen, they are broken is equally as important. Communicating those new or reestablished boundaries in the relationship are equally as important. We can nail all of those, but trust me – this is the toughest part. Enforcing those boundaries is by far the toughest aspect.
It’s tough because of how uncomfortable it is when the consequence has to roll out. Maybe you’ve been stuck here, with enforcing boundaries, and that makes sense. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say it’s okay – because it’s not and you have to know that. When you aren’t enforcing them, you’re not sticking to your own wants and desires.
This isn’t to say you have to be a stickler and slap knuckles with a ruler (unless you said that was a consequence). There is plenty of room for compassion when you are enforcing your boundaries or following up with them. There does, however, have to be some firmness here as well. Is it putting that toy away your child loves but they didn’t clean their room? Is it enjoying desert, but your family doesn’t because they didn’t do (whatever, probably eat those nasty lima beans)?
For me recently following up on my boundaries was tough. I had to break things off with an ex who I was supposed to marry. Recently, I stopped talking to someone I had interest in. I explained to the recent girl that I feel like responses were obligatory as I always reached out first. I don’t roll like that. I have no issue making time or reaching out, however I do have an issue when I take initiative all the time. Was it easy? Of course not, however I had to because otherwise the pattern would continue.
As far as explaining yourself, that is entirely up to you. She didn’t ask and she hasn’t reached out in about 2 weeks. Sure it stinks, I began liking her. But I’m not going to feel like a beggar because I know who I am. If I expected a text message or phone call every 5 minutes, that would be completely unreasonable. A simple hi at the beginning or end of the day would suffice and now I’m like that with everyone.
Even though the enforcement may be tough, it helped me feel a greater sense of who I am and what I deserve. In the end, setting healthy boundaries in relationships ended up being one of the best changes I made aside from returning to follow Christ and becoming sober. Enforcement is a key part of establishing and setting healthy boundaries in a relationship.
Almost Done With Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships….. But What About That List?
I am glad you remembered! You may not have because this is surely a longer article, but it’s important! Here is the list I mentioned after the first paragraph:
Perseverance
Desire
Realization
Adjustment
Enforcement
So let’s break this list down and see how it ties in to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. First, perseverance. Rome was not built in a single day, right? If you are setting healthy boundaries in a relationship that just started or are reestablishing those boundaries you need to stick with it. It may get tough because nobody said that setting healthy boundaries in relationships was easy, but is it worth it? Only you can know (and we are here to talk if need be!)
Desire is up next. Think about why you want to set healthy boundaries in relationships. Do you have an idea of what it will start or stop? Do you have milestone or benchmarks you can follow? There’s a famous saying that we “need to know our why” and it hold true to reestablishing or setting healthy boundaries in relationships! (Hint: Just because isn’t typically a good answer)
Adjustment is an important topic when it comes to setting healthy boundaries in relationships. This is because sometimes we may act, assume, or want something out of an elevated or depressed emotional state. Sometimes our boundaries may be too tough, not tough enough, or completely unreasonable. When adjusting, remember – communicate, communicate, communicate!
Enforcement was the last step we covered. If you forgot that already you either blindly read through this article, which I do appreciate you reading regardless, or have some major memory issues. Either way it’s fine as long as you got something out of it!
You’ve Made It!
8 chapters and probably around 30,000 (literally) words later we made it to the end. It was brought me a lot of joy writing this, it was fun. I pray (because I’m a Christian Life Coach so that’s what I do, either openly with clients or in quiet – integration is great!) this segment of articles blessed you!
If you’ve found that “wow, I really need better boundaries” in my life or “I never realized how important it was in setting healthy boundaries in relationships” or even realized “I think I need help setting healthy boundaries in relationships because I have none!” I highly encourage you to take the course, Lasting Change, by clicking the banner below! It’s the same process I regularly use and will be updated with examples and case studies throughout the year – and you get each update for free before we begin to sell them individually!
Starting to wrap up the Boundaries Book aren’t we? This article, “Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – When is it Too Late to Set Boundaries?” and then how to actually set boundaries! This is an incredibly important topic and there is a tough question to answer. When setting boundaries relationships can take a hit, I experienced this personally and I have coached people and seen when it comes to setting boundaries relationships can do one of three things and we need to be ready for all of them. When setting boundaries relationships can adjust and thrive, go through a rough patch and maybe survive, or burn and crash.
Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Yes
When considering setting boundaries relationships do in fact have an expiration date!. Life surely has no known timestamp on our lives, this is good and bad when you realize that when setting boundaries relationships will have a chance to thrive. This is especially true when you realize nothing aside from God’s kingdom will last forever.
There comes a time when the contemplation or realization for setting boundaries in relationships takes too long and the figurative ship begins to sail. It could be that last action, inaction, statement, or literal death that causes that timestamp to be shown and the possibility for salvaging and improving that relationship to arrive too late.
How do you know if the setting boundaries relationship time marker has come? Sometimes that is up to you to decide, sometimes it is totally dependent on someone else, and as you saw above sometimes it is dependent on God if it’s too late
We saw with God it’s easy to know if it’s too late, we see that when He decides an earthly existence for you or whoever is complete. So, if we don’t consider death what else is permanent? Nothing, literally. Nothing in life is permanent aside from taxes, birth, and death. So when it comes to setting boundaries relationships do have an expiration date where it is too late.
One curve ball is when the relationship is over. It surely has to be too late to set boundaries than right? For that relationship, potentially. I have to say the caveat there is that there exists too many variables for anyone to ever say for certain. I’ve seen people do almost unthinkable things to each other, have extremely toxic relationships, and still after a decade long break work things out and have a fruitful relationship. A few things will block this though:
Death, because that’s certain and permanent
A “sour taste in their mouth” attitude, think resentment here
Blatant refusal
I firmly believe everything has a chance when there is “no hope”. People change, especially those who take out Lasting Change course. Considering that many other factors work in favor against the short list above, setting boundaries relationships could always stand a chance!
Let’s proceed!
Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Maybe.
Let’s take the above and expand on it a bit. We now know there is always hope, however when it comes to setting boundaries relationships will obviously differ, even relationships one person has with others. Look at addiction, it’s really a situation that has many circle of events that you can’t really predict. For the giver in a codependent relationship, will they be able to stop enabling whether that enabling is providing a roof and food, a ride so they know the receiver is safe, or money so the receiver is less likely to commit a crime?
When it comes to setting boundaries relationships are going to require a lot, such as determination, consistency, desire, probably help for long ingrained issues, persistence, patience, hope, support, and dedication. Acceptance is tricky as we could simply be continuing the boundary issues in the relationship in a different light. When you are accepting different allowances and dis allowances you are opening the door for confusion and potentially reversion to the situation prior to the attempt at setting boundaries.
I can speak to the maybe here. A dear friend has a child who was messed up in some pretty serious things specifically gangs and drugs. This relationship had established boundaries which were constantly ignored by one of the parents yet enforced by the other parent. The difficulty here is the strain the violations had on the relationship. Divorce occurred and the child spiraled out of control.
Reunification was needed as the state had to step in and remove the child from the household of the parent who enforced the boundaries! Makes no sense, right? When the fact that manipulation was a tool used by the child it will. A codependent relationship can involve multiple people, this one involved two givers and one receiver. One giver gave to another giver who in turn helped the receiver. So how did this pan out?
Although there was divorce and a need for reunification with the child, we worked diligently with the parties, the receiver’s therapist and me acting as a life coach. The first step was the lasting change course and an idea of what an agreed upon big picture looked like with both of the givers. Then we set boundaries which were very flimsy in the beginning. However there was another reunification, the marriage between the two givers!
It was a perfect storm, however instead of slamming boundaries down at the drop of a dime they were incrementally put into place at the suggestion of the therapist and myself. It wasn’t easy, however the severity of the ramifications for both the enforcing giver (both wanted the relationship to work, the enforcer had a more difficult time adjusting to reasonable boundaries which is discussed in the Lasting Change course) and receiver became more reasonable. Rebellion was handled differently. A lack of communication was the root problem for all involved.
So how does this fit with “Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Maybe.” topic? Easy, as it is uncommon that marriages that end in divorce are reengaged we see clearly how this is a situational concept. It could be too late, if the enforcing giver wouldn’t budge the same spiral could have continued.
Setting Boundaries Relationships and You – Can It Be it Too Late to Set Boundaries? Nope
Finality is ultimately the key here. There is a chance that people can change. Look at that Disney movie with Scrooge McDuck! I bring that up because I miss good ole fashioned Disney and it shows a great example of how we never know the ending of something. People can have a change of heart.
So far we have seen that with healthy boundaries relationships are the exact opposite of codependent tendencies. We have seen this all throughout the Boundaries Book pretty much in each of the preceding articles/chapters. This article is going to show a bit more of what, how, and with healthy boundaries relationships should look. Know what that means? We are going example heavy, because how else could we see the picture healthy boundaries relationships paints? Let’s get cracking! We will have a yes and a no for each topic.
With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Have More Respect
Yeah, you read that right! There is more respect in them. Now is that going to come immediately? If the relationship in question is established already, we will be teaching old dogs new tricks – that goes for all involved including yourself. You’ll be giving acceptable respect, and you will be expecting respect! Let’s see how healthy boundaries in relationships look:
With healthy boundaries relationships allow for yes and no when either is necessary
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, I wanted chicken, I’m not eating this crap.” “I’m sorry Billy Bubblebutt, I’ll make your dino chickie nuggies instead of this filet minon right away!” With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Mom, make my nuggets NOW! I’m not eating this steak!” “You’re going to eat what I made, I told you I was making this when you asked 5 times after school. Also, you do NOT talk to me like that you’re grounded for 3 days. You’re not watching ballerinas in pajamas this weekend Billy.”
Do you see how mom takes control in the first verses the second example?
With Healthy Boundaries Relationships Share the Blame
As codependents, we have a tendency to take blame for things that aren’t our faults and a large chunk of the time do not even involve us. With healthy boundaries relationships blame allows you to accept when you made a mistake, but not force the issue to convict you. Other times, especially if this has been the way the relationship has gone, your partner may blame you when it isn’t your fault!
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I’m sorry you missed the ball champ, I should have held it in front of you so you could hit it when you were done staring at the bird flying.”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “I can’t swing the bat for you, if it’s too fast let me know that. I’m not a mind reader buddy, nice swing though!”
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “You made me crack the omelette, you gave me the wrong spatula. Breakfast is ruined.” “I’m sorry, let me have the place down the street deliver.”
Yes “The omelette is messed up, you gave me the wrong spatula. How are you going to fix this?” “It’s ruined because it was supposed to be flipped. You have the stuff out, toss that one in the trash and make another one, just flip it when it’s firm**” ** I’m a life coach not a chef, and I have admittedly never attempted to make an omelette, it should have been flipped whenever you omelette makers normally flip or fold it..
With Healthy Boundaries Relationships, You Can Say No Simply Because
When it comes to people pleasing and codependency, this one word can give us significant feelings of guilt, shame, and an overall sense we are letting people down. The most prevalent places I have seen this are at home and in the workplace. With codependency we are saving or being saved, with people pleasing we have to support and uplift them. With healthy boundaries relationships still allow for this, but not in the typical absolute sense of need we typically put on it. Even if it is going to impact us negatively, we HAVE to help!
With healthy boundaries relationships allow us to say no. If our plate is full, saying no could let people down – especially if they are used to us helping them. Especially when we begin inserting boundaries in relationships, this is the make or break point typically. We will either see progress or we won’t. With this one we are taking a more serious tone with our examples because this is a crucial area for change and improving your people pleasing and codependency tendencies.
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Joe what are you doing this weekend?” “Not much just hanging out at home probably. Michelle was saying the other night even though we live together we basically only text because we don’t see each other.” “Aww come on guy, it will be a blast. I’m not taking no for an answer!” “I told her I would help paint the living room though.” “Joe, you’re coming out this weekend and catching trout – just text her and tell her something came up”
With healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Hey Joe let’s go out this weekend, party Friday and Saturday, we can recover Sunday!” “Hey Man, I appreciate the invite but I think I am going to stay in and spend a little time with Michelle I haven’t seen her all week.” “Dude, trout fishing. She will get it, you guys live together anyway!” “I really can’t, what are you doing next Saturday?” “Yes you can, I’m free every weekend for the next month I think.” “Alright I will, just not this weekend. Thanks again for the invite, send me some shots of what I miss if you catch anything this time.”
Do you see how that works? If you went with Joe’s example of not having boundaries he would probably be in turmoil because sure he wants to hangout with his friend however he promised time to his wife. If he went because, let’s say his name was Tom, was badgering him he would let Michelle down. What this would do, especially since the unhealthy boundaries showed him acting in a people pleasing way. He would start stressing most likely over how Michelle would handle it, he would instantly have resentments toward himself. His mental health would take a hit over unnecessary stress.
Let’s look at an example in terms of someone in recovery. Typically if you are strong in recovery, the following situation wouldn’t bother you too much. There’s an important saying that people brush off and they really shouldn’t, that if you hang around the barber enough you’re going to get a hair cut.
Without healthy boundaries relationships look like this – “Tommy, want to come to a wedding and reception with me? It’s open bar and the party is going to be insane. I’m only doing the toast and a few drinks.” “Thanks for the offer Danielle, sounds like it will be fun. I’ve been trying to hang with you for a while but I can’t drink. I’m 3 months sober and when I’m around booze I get weak. Can’t say no, ya know?” “Come on dude, just don’t drink. I’ll make it worth your while after!” “I can’t, next time when there isn’t alcohol flowing maybe.” “You’re weak, if you can’t come with me forget it I don’t need a weak guy.” “Fine.”
Tommy went and was good for a while! He let her guilt him into it, and Tommy ended up getting a DUI charge afterward. Danielle didn’t want a guy who couldn’t drive so he got dumped anyway. Will that happen all the time? Of course not! But at 3 months, he knew his boundaries and tried to stick with them. He gave in and not only lost his clean time but also but his freedom.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Tommy, you should come to a wedding with me!” “Just the wedding or the reception too?” “Both, free booze and we could end up having a better night than the bride and groom.” “I’ll do the wedding but I don’t want to be around booze flowing like the Nile. I just got sober and don’t think it would be a good idea.” “Can’t you just have one shot with me or stay away from the bar?”
“I might be able to stay away from the bar, but one shot would be too many and 100 wouldn’t be enough you know?” “Well you’ve been bugging me to come, man up and let lose one night won’t kill you!” “May not kill me but I’ve worked hard to get here. Either another time or just forget it, I can’t be around that.” “Good for you bro, I like to drink and have fun so maybe we aren’t that compatible anyway.”
Tommy was dying to get with Danielle, but he knew his sobriety was more important. Even outside the recovery realm, sometimes we just can’t put ourselves in places that bug us. Tommy didn’t regret his decision, at first he was down but he felt empowered by finally being able to say no. With healthy boundaries relationships can have empowerment flowing freely, just like the open bar above. Empowerment does amazing things for your self esteem!
As I mentioned before, there are a few pain points that people feel in common situations. Without healthy boundaries relationships such as intimate and employee/employer related situations. Let’s focus on those, and although the mom/child situation above could be seen as intimate, let’s look more at an example with the ability to say no for healthy boundaries in relationships where it’s more of a significant other view shall we?
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to borrow your apartment for a visit!” “For what and why?” “DCF, just say I’ve lived there for a while and I’m clean and we are good.” “Are you crazy? I don’t want DCF in my house!!” “If you love me you will, just have your kids go to your mom’s or something.” “Ugh whatever.”
Little did he know that having been involved in an investigation would follow him. For whatever unreasonable reason people investigated by DCF typically have a bad following. He didn’t get custody of his 12 month old daughter because against his better judgement he let his girlfriend have the visit at his house and she dropped an empty heroin baggie from her purse accidentally in front of the worker.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey I need to have a meeting at your place, DCF is on my case for a meeting over me neglecting Jasiel!” “Shannon, no way I can’t I’m going through a custody case for Conrad, if stuff goes south I’m screwed.” “
If you love me you will!” “Listen, I love you but I am not jeopardizing my sons. Plus I don’t want to be tied up in that, I can support you and say you’re doing good but you said last week you were sick and I know what that means. I get it, trust me I do. But for our safety, I can’t!” “Come on!” “Dude, my cousin works for the court system and told me whatever I do not to get caught up in their investigations. NO.” “Whatever, screw me over like that I knew you didn’t love me! I should have just stayed with Alex he would let me.”
“I said no, I do a lot for you. This is just something I can’t do, plus after you got out of detox and into the sober house we talked boundaries. I do feel bad for you, but if you’re just going to constantly bring me down maybe this isn’t going to work anyway.”
The scenario above is similar to something I helped coach someone through. He came to us because he was tired of getting used used in his romantic relationships and typical of codependent behaviors would put them before anything else. He unfortunately did have to end his relationship and, after advising him, did seek therapy too. He is thriving now and will be the first to tell you that standing your ground is tough but sometimes you need to for yourself. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for your decision to stand.
Last but not least, we arrive at work. Although we have an idea of what it looks like when relationships allow for healthy boundaries by saying no, work is a toughie. Some people are workaholics, and not because they necessarily love their job but because they feel obligated and needed. At times, they may be needed. When I left my position at Vitamin World, the store was closed a few months later and prior to me being employed it was set to be closed 3 months prior. I’m a great manager and I know that, I just prefer coaching versus managing.
Let’s look at an example from something I have helped coach a few people through, the situation is similar in each of their experiences. Here’s the scenario:
Jane is middle management and works for an hourly wage. She’s a mom of 2, an 11 year old and 5 year old. The 11 year old is constantly trying to get her to watch his games. Although she is divorced she has someone she is dating. She has been employed by the same company for 12 years and although is paid hourly, makes roughly $65,000 per year by herself.
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane, I know you have next week off but we need your help with this. Is there anyway you can zoom in to a few meetings to help the team understand it better?”
[Important note – She has done this for years before and is never compensated for her extra work. Fun fact, even voluntarily – this violates labor law. Someone performing work for a company regardless of whether it is allowed or not is to be compensated. More of an important note, I have a BS (funny, I know) in Legal Studies however AM NOT a practicing paralegal or lawyer.]
“The company doesn’t allow for overtime and when I wrap up today I will be at 39:50.” “You’ve never asked for overtime, we could work something out maybe an early day or two to equal whatever you do at the meetings.” “Fine.”
Although she didn’t work everyday, she promised her 11 year old she would watch the game. She stayed in her car for most of the game for a meeting, and when she was by the field she was responding to text messages. “Did you see my home run?!” “Yes!” “I didn’t hit one, at least you came to the field, but I get it work is important because you need money to pay the bills.”
Even if she was getting paid, which was never guaranteed and she was using vacation time, we can see when we don’t have healthy boundaries relationships, regardless of where, will eventually spill in to other relationships. She let her son down, her unhealthy relationship has her mismanaging her most important role – her family.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Jane I know you’re off next week, but we need you to cover the Tuesday evening meeting. John’s on vacation and I don’t think Elliot is prepared yet, still learning the ropes you know?” “Ted, I’m on vacation too. I promised my son I’d watch his game and I want to watch his game, I’ve had this vacation planned for months now. I’m sorry I can’t.”
“Don’t you like the job?” “I do, but I love my family more. I’ll do what I can to help you guys set everything up for Elliot, but maybe ask John if he can give an hour or two from his vacation instead if that doesn’t work for you?” “But you always gave us extra help without asking” “I know, however I have been neglecting family time and probably gave this company a solid few months of unpaid help, I need this time for me.”
The clients I mentioned that had gone through the above situation or similar all showed codependent traits. It’s tough to say no, and as we had seen in other articles on this site about codependent behavior, badgering to say yes is often used. Typically, without healthy boundaries relationships with people we are close to make it tough to say no!
What’s interesting is we can in each example above see a codependent relation. There’s a giver and a taker. Codependency will always be difficult to manage if we don’t stick to our guns. There’s a book that I feel shows codependency better than any other. It’s called “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” and I highly recommend reading it and going over it with your children!
*note – If you click the book, and we would appreciate it, we may get compensation if you purchase it. We suggest this book being in your library especially if you struggle with codependent relationships as you can surely see the course of the giver and receiver.
What About Technology?
Social media has been impacting people’s lives. There’s surely a case for this, and the examples that follow are what I have heard and seen. Tpically I coach through these issues during relationship coaching. Additionally, I wrote a paper on the addictive qualities of technology during adolescence. The struggle is real. With healthy boundaries relationships allow for you to use or enjoy social media and technology! Let’s look at they it looks like when we combine both healthy boundaries and relationships.
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her page!” “Sorry there was a reason I was there!”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Stop scrolling on her time line, I’m the only woman you need to look at.” “A bit controlling, but I’m on here to share something.”
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Oh my gosh put your phone down.” “But I might miss a notification!”
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Do you really need to stay on your phone?” “You know what, no, I can respond later.”
Without healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – Both people on their phone while at a restaurant together.
With healthy boundaries relationships looks like this – “Hey let’s put our phones away and enjoy each other’s company.”
*note – If you click the book, and we would appreciate it, we may get compensation if you purchase it. We suggest this book being in your library especially if you struggle with codependent relationships as you can surely see the course of the giver and receiver.